everything that you wanted, i have done. you cowered before me - i was frightening. i have reordered time, i have turned the world upside down, and i have done it all for you. i am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. isn’t that generous? just fear me - love me - do as i say, and i will be your slave
under blue moon i saw you | “I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible and when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.
i. Third Wave Trocadero
ii. My Body Is A Cage (cover) Peter Gabriel
iii. Sweet Nothing (cover) Alex Vargas
iv. Requiem For Blue Jeans Bastille
v. For Everything A Reason Carina Round
vi. Love Song Cure
vii. Old Skin Ólafur Arnalds
viii. Wasting My Young Years London Grammar
ix. Up All Night Oliver Tank
x. Tautou Brand New
I can't even handle deaths when I'm the one in control of them. Why do you think I can handle this? Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU.
London
21st November, Day 2
Jason
I'm not going to your funeral
London
22nd November, Day 3
Jason
You could of said something. I might not have understood but you never said anything at all and now I don't know what to do.
London
23rd November, Day 4
Jason
You spent so much time making sure I'd never leave you that I never stopped to think what might happen if you left me first. Funny how things turn out.
London
24th November, Day 5
Jason
When I woke up today I realised I'd forgotten how you pronounce 'assholes'
London
25th November, Day 6
Jason
I wish I'd gone to your funeral
London
26th November, Day 7
Jason
You'd better be Hades, King of the fucking Underworld by the time I get down there. Promise me.
London
27th November, Day 8
Jason
Could I have changed your mind?
London
28th November, Day 9
Jason
I thought I was meant to be the most important thing to you
London
29th November, Day 10
Jason`
I cut myself today and for a second I was worried but then I remembered you wouldn't be here to get upset over it so I didn't clean it and maybe it's going to get infected
London
30th November, Day 11
Jason
It's fine. I was never going to be happy in the long run. We had a good time and you're never going to be like him now
London
1st December, Day 12
Jason
The nurses are decorating for Christmas already. I stole your mugshot out of your file when they were distracted. Your file's always out these days. You made a lot of fucking paperwork for them, you know? You look like such a thug in your mugshot. I like it. It's in my bedside table.
London
2nd December, Day 14
Jason
Would it have made a difference if I'd dragged the knife over your wrists instead of you?
London
3rd December, Day 15
Jason   Â
People are more scared of me now I think. Maybe they know you were what kept me together
London
4th December, Day 16
Jason
There's this sinking feeling in me and I hate it and it's your fault
London
5th December, Day 18
Jason
Come back. I need you to come back. I need you. I feel so tired and sick all the time. Please come back. We were going to be old together
London
6th December, Day 19
Jason
Sorry. I could have been so much better. All I can think about is how I should have told you all the things you are and all the things you're not and all the things you are to me. I should have done a lot of things differently.
London
7th December, Day 20
Jason
I stopped seeing Doctor Stark today. You never liked him and I told him I wanted a new therapist. All the staff still look at me with these sad eyes but they never say anything.
London
8th December, Day 21
Jason
They asked if I wanted to put up some kind of memorial for you but I thought it was bullshit. I didn't think you'd like it. I don't know, maybe you would because everyone could remember you how you want to be remembered. But it seems stupid. I told them not to do it. What the fuck is a tree in the garden going to do to help people remember you anyway? You'd just be a name on a plaque and in ten years people would sit under it and be like, Jason Thatcher. Huh. What a dumb fucking hippy he must have been to have a tree with his name on it
London
9th December, Day 22
Jason
People keep telling me it's okay to be angry and it's okay to cry and to be sad. Like, fuck off. I don't need anyone's fucking permission to feel how I want to feel about the fact that my boyfriend slit his wrists. I bet you would laugh if you were here. Sometimes I think about what you would say and it makes me laugh
London
10th December, Day 23
Jason
To be honest, I'm jealous. Nobody should be allowed to kill someone I love except for me. Who gave you the right? I NEEDED you. I NEEDED you and you were so scared. If I didn't love you so much I would hate you a lot
London
11th December, Day 24
Jason
Did you ever know I need glasses? I don't wear them because I'm vain, but I can't really see that well without them. There's a lot about me that you never got time to hear about and I hate that because it must mean there was so much about you that I never got to hear about, and now I never will. If you didn't hate your mum I would write to her but I know how you feel about her so I won't
London
12th December, Day 25
Jason
Every time I talk about you in the present tense, the other patients look like they can't decide whether I'm going crazier or if I'm doing it on purpose to make them uncomfortable. It's neither.
London
[...]
23rd November, Day 368
Jason
It's not getting any easier and I'm still fucking stuck here. I'm trying to get better and get out like you said but it's
not
fucking
working
London
24th November, Day 369
Jason
When I was younger I always started diaries and I'd keep them for maybe a few weeks before I forgot, or lost them, or got bored, or whatever. I've written a letter to you every day for over a year now. I wonder what the difference is here. I talked to a patient today who met you like forever ago, and she said she was so sure you were called David right up until the service for your death. It made me so angry when you did that. Of all the fucking names...
London
25th November, Day 370
Jason
You would look so funny in devil horns and with a big pitchfork, torturing the damned. I bet you're having fun down there. Without me. I hope Hitler laughs at you because you don't work the cape like he does
London
26th November, Day 371
Jason
I keep thinking I'm doing okay and then I start crying and I know it's you. I still haven't even kissed anyone else and I'm kind of surprised by how okay with that I am
London
27th November, Day 372
Jason
I'm still so fucking angry
London
28th November, Day 373
Jason
I wish I could have said goodbye. It shouldn't still hurt like this
[Frankie’s not sure what to say - clearly he’s not fooling anybody with his words, so reluctantly, he drops Scott’s hand - quickly, so it would be easier, like ripping off a band aid - and takes a step away from the male. He didn’t want to, of course, but with London standing before them, he’s terrified. He doesn’t want her to shout again, and he has a fear in the back of his mind that she could hurt them, not just mentally or emotionally.] Nothin’ happened. [He repeats the words, quiet yet determined, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt to distract him from the loss of warmth in his hand from Scott.] I ain’t got a clue what you’re talkin’ about… y’all are both crazy. I-I wouldn’t… I haven’t…
[Scott looks at Frankie, hurt. And really fucking badly. Frankie had just said earlier that he was comfortable with Scott, and now he is pretending he had nothing to do with him. Scott licks his lower lip and looks back at London, smiling painfully.]
Great… Thanks London. [Scott sniffs and looks down, his teeth gnawing on his lower lip to the point where Scott thinks he’s broken skin.] Yeah. It was nothing. Nothing at all.  I must be crazy, thinking up this shit. Fantasizing about a straight guy, huh Frankie? [Scott stepped a bit away from the two.] Thanks. To the both of you. I’m SO fucking glad I have such amazing friends.
N-nobody was, sucking, anybody… nothing happened… [He’s trying to lie, but the bright flush of his cheeks is a dead give-away. He’s trying not to hid behind Scott completely, but he’s failing, miserably. His grip on Scott’s hand is tighter than before - maybe he should let go, it might help to make his lie more believable, but he can’t let go. Not now.] We didn’t, uh, do anythin’…
[Scott’s mouth falls open.] Jesus, London, don’t you think that was a little harsh? Fuck’s sake he is just now getting comfortable and you’re going to fuck him up more? [Scott licks his lips.]Â
Look can you and I deal with this later? Like… Not in front of Frankie? [Scott looked back at Frankie, hoping he was okay with Scott voicing so much about the situation.]
[Intellectually, London knows that Scott's right. Frankie has a lot of fucked up shit in her head, and beyond all this she does like him. She doesn't want to make his problems worse just because she has a tendency to melodrama.
Not without a slight pout, she shrugs]Â Nothing to deal with. Whatever. Maybe something went on in there, maybe it didn't. The really great thing is that I don't give a shit either way. And before you shit yourself, I won't fucking talk about it, Frankie. There's way more interesting stuff to talk about anyway.
[Frankie grins, happily holding Scott’s hand and walking out of the bathroom with him. In his eyes, this had been progress for him; he had managed to do what he wanted without feeling guilty or utterly hating himself.] Hopefully they’ve got somethin’. I’m freakin’ hungry.
[He chuckles, before London speaks, almost as soon as they step out of the bathroom together. His grip on Scott’s hand tightens, and he takes a small step back, trying to hide behind Scott, at least a little bit.] L-London… I, uh, don’t know what one of those is… and I-I don’t know, um, what y’all are talkin’ about.
[Scott’s eyes narrow at London. He knew that she probably followed him or recognized his voice. And as mad as he was, he couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed as well.] Well hi there, Miss Nosey. [Scott squeezed Frankie’s hand hoping that the other wouldn’t run away.]
We were just making out London, don’t get so testy. [Scott lied. Hoping he wasn’t being too much of an obvious liar.]
Who's getting testy? Ain't my business who's sucking off who. I guess I'm just surprised that Mister I'm-Straighter-Than-A-Fucking-Arrow would even be making out with someone of the male persuasion. Funny. Not like funny ha ha, either. Funny peculiar.Â
So, I taste pretty good, huh? [It’s cheesy as fuck, but so is Frankie. He grins, before taking Scott’s hand in his own. After what he had just done… he can’t exactly hide it outside of this room. Especially since somebody could have heard them.] Maybe we should get outta here. It might look kinda weird, uh, us hangin’ out in a bathroom in the dark. [Really, he’s not sure what to do. What are you supposed to say to a guy after doing that?] Plus I’m pretty darn hungry now.
[Okay, so the patients at Belv were never very good at subtlety. London herself was one of them, in fact. And on the whole she thinks it's hilarious, because they get away with so much shit. The sounds coming from the bathroom she almost walks past for example: not exactly muted. Lolling against the wall opposite the door, she wants to wait and see who it was. Mostly so she knows who to laugh at, and who to gossip about. But the door opens and its Frankie and Scott and for a second the smile fades. It takes a sharp bite to the inside of her cheek to remind London not to be stupid, and she throws out a cheeky grin]
Hi guys. You know, call me a Debbie Downer but I find the mental image of some bloke brushing his teeth on another bloke's John Thomas to be less than exotic. Maybe keep it down next time.
A lot of things. I’m your best friend, London, I know when you lie… Or I like to think I do. And don’t give me that “I’m a psychopath” shit. I know you too well by now.
[Scott moves off of London, looking down into his lap and biting his lip.] I mean sometimes they are fun… [He mumbles, not wanting the playful banter to fade away.]
Pretty sure you yelled at me for wanting Syd or Frankie, London…
That’s besides the point. Right? Isn’t it? You’re happy. And I am happy. You. Are. Happy. [The words left a bad taste in his mouth, he still didnt know how to feel about what she said that one night. He didn’t know if she, or him for that matter, was actually happy.]
[Scott laughs loudly, not necessarily disagreeing with London putting herself as number one on his sex list.] I don’t care that no one else finds it funny, London.
It’s still fucking hilarious that he did it. I still think its funny, and if one thing can make me laugh around here it’s the fact that the hand you hold, kiss, or fall asleep on, was all over my sweaty balls. [ At this point, Scott was basically in her lap, laughing so hard.]
[Scott sneaks up behind London and puts his hands over her eyes.]
ARGH! I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND AND I TOUCH PENIS! [Scott hops over the couch and sits next to London, his head laying on her shoulder.] It’s dark and if your man hasn’t heard that comment yet, I doubt that he will show up.
[For a brief moment London is genuinely frightened at having been crept up on] Uh, bite me you fucking knob goblin. Out of any context it sounds like you just called me a chick with a dick. Are you ever planning on letting that go? Nobody even cares-- you just can't stop thinking about it 'cause you know Jason threateningly touching your cock is the best you're ever getting.
...Second best, actually. Totally forgot we had that thing.
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