[lonely-gray-sky]

I view publishing videos on YouTube as sharing a passion, sharing something you love with others, that's why I opened my YouTube channel.

But I've never anticipated receiving such harsh negative comments on my videos ( especially because I receive less than 1k views per video and it's a math channel).

And I know that their comments shouldn't make me feel so bad, but all the positive comments disappear when someone writes that they don't like my voice, that my grammar (in my mother tounge) is not correct (actually not true), that they didn't understand anything and they hope I'm not a teacher.

I feel like I'm drowning.

As if my soul's waiting for a confirmation of what my mind is constantly thinking: I'm not enough, I'm not good at explaining, I'm boring, people won't understand what I'm saying, I don't speak well, my ability to speak is below average, I just wanna disappear, don't be perceived again.

[lonely-gray-sky]

Why am I always alone?

[lonely-gray-sky]

Unbelievable. I received an harsh comment on my math YouTube video. I patiently explained that the video was correct and that there were two ways to solve the problem (both correct), one was the one I suggested, the other was the one they suggested. The commenter insisted that I was wrong (even though I proved that the two ways of solving the exercises are equivalent and they didn't give me a single explanation why my method was wrong). And then she told she was a Math teacher and, well, I'm worried about her students.

[lonely-gray-sky]

I feel so lonely. So many things are happening and I have no one to talk to or to whom I could ask advice or for reassurance.

[furiousgoldfish]

my parents: why don't you already know stuff! how old are you! you have no skills to survive, you'll never make it out in the real world! Nobody will ever hire you!

me, about things I'm interested: hey how does that work?

my parents: don't ask me! nobody cares! you should already know this!

me, trying to learn a new skill on my own: hey i can do this now, look

my parents: THAT WONT MAKE YOU ANY MONEY, and you're horrible at it, what is that, I'll rip it apart! it's ugly and worthless!

me: it's so easy and encouraging to learn and grow in this household :) I am getting all information and support that I need :) I am going to grow into a capable and functional adult :) nobody is withholding knowledge or skills from me :) I am certainly not being blocked from gaining knowledge and skills so I wouldn't run away from this place :) my parents are so well meaning when they paralyze me in shame and cut information off :) this is a normal and loving family situation :)

[lonely-gray-sky]

I didn't expect YouTube to pay so little.

[lonely-gray-sky]

Why people say that things are stupid? (Especially if they didn't even understand those things)

Why?

[lonely-gray-sky]

Hope. That's what's killing me.

When you have no hope, it's easier. When you have a tiny little ray of hope that shines into your heart, that's when the problem starts.

I've always wanted freedom. That's what I value the most. That's the reason why I don't like working for a private company or working state jobs. I hate having to follow orders from people that usually makes my life harder or having to be part of a bigger mechanism (where often you are stuck in the middle and you can start your part of work unless another person completes their part and when they complete it you are now near the deadline and the anxiety skyrockets). I want to be free, i now that being self employed would be the better choice for me (the path that I'd like to follow), but which jobs could I do as a freelancer? No one, I don't have the skills or the titles ( a degree in maths it's not like a degree in psychology or in medicine). And then... Then I started my YouTube channel and it gave me hope, I thought perhaps I'm good at this, perhaps I'll earn some money from it in the future, perhaps i could do this as a job.... Making math videos on YouTube would certainly make me happy.

And now I feel so stupid and so naive for even thinking I could earn something from YouTube and especially an amount of money that would make it my job.

[lonely-gray-sky]

An overwhelming wave of sadness surged inside of me today. It seemed sudden, but it's only the result of an emotion that I've been ignoring for weeks that finally got out.

The last straw was something small: I discovered a YouTube channel created the same week as mine but with four times my subscribers and all videos with 40k views minimum (mines have 200 views usually). And I don't know ... Something inside of me broke.

My first thought was: they surely are monetised already. Why their videos are liked so much? What am I doing wrong?

Not having a job surely influenced my reaction. Not that I plan to become a YouTuber, I Just.... I don't know. I wanted to be successful at something? I wanted to have a future.

[lonely-gray-sky]

!!! You're here! 💜

☀️☀️☀️

[lonely-gray-sky]

Hi there!!

First and foremost, Congratulations on your master's degree!! I hope you're proud of yourself friendo, you worked super hard for it!

Second, I went through your blog, and I'm sorry life's been giving you a bit of trouble in the recent years :/ but I'm glad you're still here, I'm glad you stuck around! I hope you continue to be here! I'm glad you post videos on YouTube for math(I probably used it at some point :/ but I appreciate you all the same) and sorry people kinda suck :/

Point is friendo, I'm glad you're here, doing things, I'm so enamored by the idea of existing in the same space as you at the same time, to be blessed to share this existence with someone so kind 🥹 it makes me so happy <3 thank you for being here, thank you for being you, you're doing amazing<3<3<3

Thank you for your kind words and sorry for the late reply. When I read your ask it made my day :)

[lonely-gray-sky]

This is one of the many days where I wonder why I have so much anxiety (and the majority of people don't). My face is feeling hot since this morning (it's almost evening now), and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm anxious even though I don't feel anxious.

[chessys]

im so lonely and desperate for human connection but also need like 3 rest days after replying to a text lmao

[lonely-gray-sky]

Why people are so mean?

I post math videos on YouTube, just for fun, I don't make any money from them, I just post them to help other people to learn math and to share a passion, nothing more.

So why, why my math videos are so full of men who make sexual jokes and insult me? I make math videos with my tablet, they can only hear my voice, they can skip my videos, nobody forces them to watch. So why, tell me why they post things like "you should make more sex" and things like that? Why? Why they have to be so mean?

[lonely-gray-sky]

I haven't hugged someone since 2016.

I haven't gone out with friends since 2018.

I haven't received a birthday present since 2016.

I haven't had a relationship since 2014.

I haven't been told "good night" since 2015.

I haven't been told "I miss you" since 2014.

I haven't been told "I love you" since 2015.

My life is full of this

I haven't

I haven't

I haven't

Will I ever have something?

[lonely-gray-sky]

Why can't I have friends? What's so awful about me? Why? I don't want to be alone anymore.

[lonely-gray-sky]

I don't understand people (and why they are so mean when's completely unnecessary).

A week and a half ago a girl texted me on Vinted, told me she wanted to buy my Funko pops but that she wasn't at home for the next week so she hadn't a place where she could deliver them. I told her that I could send her after a week, no problem, she agreed and told me she would let me know.

Meanwh several people asked me to buy them, but I refused, waiting for her. After a week I texted her again, she ghosted me. Why couldn't she simply tell me she wasn't interested anymore? Especially knowing that I was waiting for her.

And this happened again four days ago with another girl. It was 8a.m. she asked me to reserve a few items for her and that she will buy them at 10 a.m. because she had to reload her card. 10 a.m. go by, nothing. I wait two days, nothing, I text her, she left me on read.

Why people can't communicate? Do they think it's better gosthing someone that is reserving some items for you rather than saying that you changed idea?

(also it was not something expensive, 10 € max, but if it weren't for them I would have already sold them and they also made me more distrusting about people)

(yeah perhaps mean was not the best adjective in this context, perhaps careless? I don't know, but they made me feel bad)