LonelyPluto18

[lonelypluto18]

I have to walk out of every crowded room because I am afraid that one of the voices in the noise might be you

[lonelypluto18]

Awaiting the frost that coats my lips and gives me permission to hide from this

[lonelypluto18]

There has to be more than this I have to feel more than this

[lonelypluto18]

If you wanted to hurt me, why did you wait this long to do so? If this is when the end was always going to happen, why did the beginning feel like an open field? I stayed waiting in the shadows, a forgotten flower growing crooked from trying to reach the sun. You drive away, and I watch, stuck in that gap between the concrete slabs on the patio. The chemicals run towards me. And I stare them down like heaven itself is waiting.

[lonelypluto18]

Maybe tomorrow I will feel the things they promise The sun upon my skin and I'll be fine, kid, fine

[lonelypluto18]

Wake me up, i beg

[lonelypluto18]

There's paper on my floor The ceilings built with cardboard And so when it rains the roof falls in It rains again and again and again

And I rebuild the ceiling Dry off my clothes Take anger like a tablet and force myself to go

[lonelypluto18]

I reach out for somebody but no one is waiting I disappear and the world spins faster I dream for long periods of time and I think I'm slowly forgetting how to wake up

[lonelypluto18]

Kindly forgive me if I forget how to turn off the tap and flood the whole house Would you still love me if I set my hands on fire Somebody told me that I was an angry child I never really saw what they meant until all of my clothes lay on the floor in rage

[lonelypluto18]

I'm home, I feel like I'm alone, nobody knows

[lonelypluto18]

All that I wanted was a change big enough for somebody who knew me back when I was completely losing my mind to one day see me and think that I've grown up

[lonelypluto18]

Sometimes I feel a primal urge in me to scream until my throat rips open. A door slams and I jump, scared. Afraid that nobody heard me. Or that they heard and never cared. If my own voice was an echo playing again and again in a tunnel, would I listen to what it said. Or would I run, hide, and wait for the train to tear it apart. Forget the words, though. For a second. And tell me about my eyes. Are they not sad? Are they not loud? I'm screaming when I clench my fists. When I look into the sun. When I leave my cups in piles on my desk. When I go to sleep with the curtains wide open. When I'm ready for someone to find me. I'm screaming right now. Can you hear?

[lonelypluto18]

Smooth Over Tracks I stood beside you on the tram Wanted to meet your eyes but I was worried that you'd see me Maybe a few months ago I'd have tried but now to me you're not even real You're a fantasy that turned to a tragedy that turned to a book covered in dust in Grandpa's attic Do I miss you? In the way a city misses a flood They can't see the destruction when the waters still there Chance will be a fine thing and even less so to me I'll never have a chance for as long as you're near, for as long as you're here You were never really here Was this all a dream?

[lonelypluto18]

Picture Feel I need to take a picture of this exact moment This very second where everything has collided just to make it Picture perfect What if I never see such beauty, such serenity What if I never see this again Maybe I'll be doused in blood tomorrow and this image will have been the last little glimpse of peace I had And I didn't take it A picture Draw it in my mind instead and hope it stays strong long enough to imbed it deep where forever remembered things hide Images of this perfection This beauty that's only mine

[lonelypluto18]

Tides and Silence Just want to tell you something I don't want complaint Don't want you to sigh and look away Don't want you to go through everything I didn't say or need to do or should have done Don't need you to criticise Just listen. For once. Then for once I'll speak Silence is a defence but even that's got cracks where water leaks I'm tired Tired of crying on the bathroom floor cause it's the only place with a lock so you can't walk through the door Tired of not saying anything cause what can I even say I've gone way too far to recap it all anyway I understand the anger now. I understand it all so well.

[lonelypluto18]

Maybe I care The way you smile and glance down at the floor is the most beautiful thing and every time you do it I smile too Looking into your eyes, you meet them briefly and I wonder if you see anything other than their colour In yours I see words and if I wait long enough you'll say them I see things that make me want to keep you close in case there's a moment when you need something Smile again, I want to say But I could never tell you that, or how much I want you to stay You've started hugging me for longer than anyone's ever hugged me before and it makes me feel safe, warm okay which is how I felt today when you smiled down at the floor, glanced up again and of course I was looking directly at you At your eyes which hold a million moons and stars because they're endless in their beauty and the future is impossible to predict or control Sometimes I have to stop reading poetry I find online because it makes me feel too much and too much of that feeling is about you I can't let myself think that way but I still let you hug me for a bit longer than I should Too many times I cling on and laugh in your ear as if I want you to hear something unspeakable in my voice The way you look at me can leave me wondering if you know Maybe you do Mostly I care a few times I don't.

[lonelypluto18]

Do you need a shoulder to cry on? Remember I told you You could tell me the same thing a hundred times and I'd still want to hear it again I really meant that and I think that's where it all went wrong. You said I was the only one to know and I got power hungry Started leaving trails in the hope you'd follow them to me But you never quite did, the more I compelled the more you withdrew and I'll never fully know if it was me that caused us to be through or if it was your undeniable sense of independence I said to rest your head forgetting you didn't care to do so at all.