me. just me. @longingfor - Tumblr Blog

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Fuck fuck fuck fuck

I need to leave for work and my bike tire is flat. I can’t find my headphones, and I can hear the wind outside there my window. It’s 30 degrees and I haven’t slept well for days, and I feel like I can’t call my partner my partner, but the person I’m dating. I want to jump in from of a car on my way to work. I want to cut myself but I need to do my hair and makeup and get ready to wait on people.

Until I write in detail about the end of the year, these photos will tell its story. I have a lot to say about this day. I have a lot of feelings attached to these pictures.

It’s January 3rd, and all I can say is that it was my mom’s birthday 21 minutes ago, and it didn’t matter as much as it used to. Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I have so much going on that I can’t think. Or maybe I’m just ready for bed.

I can’t think about the sad things right now. A part of me is hoping I bored them out of me. Or maybe I reached out to a friend. T and my sister are reasons to keep going. O is becoming my number one, and I hope that’s something that will continue to be good.

With many, many more thoughts left to say but to unpack another night, happy new years to me.

And happy (late?) birthday to mom.

1/3/25

00:29

letsbelonelytogetherr

— Leo Tolstoy

angelicdewdrop

Strawberries.

Being young and lonely is sometimes an empowering thing. I dressed up a tonight in my new thrifted dress. I played with my makeup, and I brought water in case I was thirsty.

Sometimes I get lost in my head of disliking myself so much that I choose to not care for myself. This can alter the way I present myself.

Tonight I presented confident.

Tonight I cared for myself.

7/15/24

historicaltimes

Columbia student flashes the peace sign after being beaten by riot police at an antiwar demonstration, April 1968

via reddit

cosechadehuellas

Robert Hutinski

Mirror 2010

letsbelonelytogetherr

— Fyodor Dostoevsky; Letter to his brother 9th August 1838

Black Box Recorder

Child’s Psychology

It’s weird when you talk to someone about feeling lonely, and they relate to everything you say with words of agreement, but in casual conversation talk about the vision boards, swimming, trivia nights, drinking, and spending time with friends.

Maybe feeling lonely in a group of friends is worse than feeling lonely alone. I understand people don’t want to be around others that hold sadness for too long. After a while, the refreshing realness wears off, and all you’re left with is someone who sighs and doesn’t make eye contact.

Last night I asked my friend how she would kill herself. We’ve had lots of conversations in the past about our suicidal struggles. She told me she would overdose. In my mind I agreed, that’s the easiest way to go.

She left me alone after that conversation. I was in a dark building and lost my phone. I am grateful for her conversation, and I am grateful that she checks in on me occasionally. I wish she would have stayed with me until I locked up the building. She used to.

I can change the energy I bring out in the world. I can be someone people desire to be around. I have been this person. It feels good to be sought after.

Is this selfish thinking? I do my best sometimes, but not all the time.

I want to leave. I’m not suicidal at the moment, but I will be soon. I almost hope for it. I’m tired and unhappy, and my cat is keeping me from leaving. I don’t have too much money. If I left, I’d loose everything and most likely become homeless.

Then would I finally kill myself? If that’s what I choose, it could be my fate.

I hate a lot right now. I do. I am so resentful for people around me. I think this is the first time I’ve admitted it.

I am rambling and crying now. I think it’s time to end this entry. My cat is cuddled up to me close right now. I will give him all my love before going into work today.

7/13/24

!!!!!

I need to move somewhere cold. These Indiana summers are hotter with each flash. Every day I wake up with a heavy feeling that weighs me down. This is something I have felt for a very long time. I tend to feel it less in the cold. Maybe it’s the glorified sweater in frigate weather, or maybe wearing a sweater actually means something. I am more than my body on a hot summer day. But on a cold day, I am my body. I don’t think this makes sense, but it’s what I’m thinking right now which means it’s coming from somewhere.

I have also grown up self conscious of my body. I hated my arms. The first time I wore a tank top was when I was 17, and at that point I had lost 50 pounds due to dieting. I ate a lot of fruit and ran twice a day. My hair fell out, and my doctor explained the bruises on my body were due to malnutrition, not blood disease like I suggested.

My friends are not responding to me. This makes sense. People can only wait for you for so long before they need to pull back in their life raft. I have not responded to others in the same way that I am talking about now. My friends are wonderful people who have busy lives to live. I usual tell them that I’ve been busy myself, and I’ve been overwhelmed with things to do when in reality, I’ve been scrolling online for hours, and yesterday I woke up at noon, cried very hard for a short amount of time, and fell back asleep until 5pm. My to do list consist of

-clean my cats litter box

-load my dishes in the dishwasher

-call landlord about broken sink

-call landlord about broken hvac

-get ready for the next bed bug spray

-find a new job?

These are a few things I need to get done. I am also worried about the cut on my finger that’s started to swell. I don’t have health insurance, and living in a free county comes at a cost. I remember the first time I heard the term “there’s no such thing as a free lunch,” when I was in 6th grade. My teacher was reading a book aloud, and asked us if we could think of anything in the world that is truly free. I did my best giving examples. Food someone offers, apples on a tree, a birthday gift.

Food requires care to make. Apples require care to grow. And a birthday gift requires care to give.

What is required for care? Love? Consistency? Desire? Where does that come from?

Once again I don’t know what I’m saying. These are just the thoughts going on in my brain. I wish I was more educated at times so I could say something so meaningful it gives me happiness. I am really struggling right now, and I think moving somewhere cold where I can wear my turtlenecks and hide under a blanket while I shiver myself to sleep sounds better than being pant-less on my couch.

I thrifted this turtle neck and vest yesterday by the way. I drove to the next town before I found what made me happy.

I wish it wasn’t 85 degrees outside.

Friday July 12, 2024 1:29am