me. just me.

[longingfor]

Lost is the feeling that I have.

Not in directions, but in beaten down moments.

I know there’s not a prize to win.

Besides good sleep and a meal.

I ate today. Now it’s time for sleep.

Remember when self harm was off the table?

Keep it off.

There’s more to peel in front of others.

7/16/26

[rosieandthemoon]

Richard Kühnel, 1895

[claddaghcottage]

Art nouveau

[spaceforrent]

Sorrow and solitude; precious things 35mm August 2018

[random-brushstrokes]

Nikolai Bodarevsky - Her Favourite (1905)

[alcrego]

.⚪️.

[longingfor]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

I need to leave for work and my bike tire is flat. I can’t find my headphones, and I can hear the wind outside there my window. It’s 30 degrees and I haven’t slept well for days, and I feel like I can’t call my partner my partner, but the person I’m dating. I want to jump in from of a car on my way to work. I want to cut myself but I need to do my hair and makeup and get ready to wait on people.

[longingfor]

Until I write in detail about the end of the year, these photos will tell its story. I have a lot to say about this day. I have a lot of feelings attached to these pictures.

It’s January 3rd, and all I can say is that it was my mom’s birthday 21 minutes ago, and it didn’t matter as much as it used to. Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I have so much going on that I can’t think. Or maybe I’m just ready for bed.

I can’t think about the sad things right now. A part of me is hoping I bored them out of me. Or maybe I reached out to a friend. T and my sister are reasons to keep going. O is becoming my number one, and I hope that’s something that will continue to be good.

With many, many more thoughts left to say but to unpack another night, happy new years to me.

And happy (late?) birthday to mom.

1/3/25

00:29

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Leo Tolstoy

[angelicdewdrop]

[longingfor]

Strawberries.

[longingfor]

Being young and lonely is sometimes an empowering thing. I dressed up a tonight in my new thrifted dress. I played with my makeup, and I brought water in case I was thirsty.

Sometimes I get lost in my head of disliking myself so much that I choose to not care for myself. This can alter the way I present myself.

Tonight I presented confident.

Tonight I cared for myself.

7/15/24

[historicaltimes]

Columbia student flashes the peace sign after being beaten by riot police at an antiwar demonstration, April 1968

via reddit

[cosechadehuellas]

Robert Hutinski

Mirror 2010

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Fyodor Dostoevsky; Letter to his brother 9th August 1838

[longingfor]

Black Box Recorder

Child’s Psychology

[longingfor]

It’s weird when you talk to someone about feeling lonely, and they relate to everything you say with words of agreement, but in casual conversation talk about the vision boards, swimming, trivia nights, drinking, and spending time with friends.

Maybe feeling lonely in a group of friends is worse than feeling lonely alone. I understand people don’t want to be around others that hold sadness for too long. After a while, the refreshing realness wears off, and all you’re left with is someone who sighs and doesn’t make eye contact.

Last night I asked my friend how she would kill herself. We’ve had lots of conversations in the past about our suicidal struggles. She told me she would overdose. In my mind I agreed, that’s the easiest way to go.

She left me alone after that conversation. I was in a dark building and lost my phone. I am grateful for her conversation, and I am grateful that she checks in on me occasionally. I wish she would have stayed with me until I locked up the building. She used to.

I can change the energy I bring out in the world. I can be someone people desire to be around. I have been this person. It feels good to be sought after.

Is this selfish thinking? I do my best sometimes, but not all the time.

I want to leave. I’m not suicidal at the moment, but I will be soon. I almost hope for it. I’m tired and unhappy, and my cat is keeping me from leaving. I don’t have too much money. If I left, I’d loose everything and most likely become homeless.

Then would I finally kill myself? If that’s what I choose, it could be my fate.

I hate a lot right now. I do. I am so resentful for people around me. I think this is the first time I’ve admitted it.

I am rambling and crying now. I think it’s time to end this entry. My cat is cuddled up to me close right now. I will give him all my love before going into work today.

7/13/24

[longingfor]

!!!!!