diseased

long covid ruined my life so i bitch about that here. main @staggera

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my entire life is just thinking about how much i hate this existence

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the dream: being taken seriously and learned to when talking about being suicidal for good reason over a very real problem

the reality: don't die!! you're not stupid!! you don't know that it won't get better randomly magically for no reason one day!!! stick around because we love you even though we have no idea that we lost so much of the person we supposedly love :)

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i just want to like put a giant knife in my abdomen and drain all the shit m undigested food out

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i keep thinking about how some ppl w lc randomly start getting better n I'm just not going to be one of them n i have no fucking hope of a cure and i need to just balls up n figure out how to die already

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you think you're sooo superior for not using chatgpt? bite my whole ass

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me about to stretch: shouldn't do that it's bad

me unable to breathe because i lightly stretched: figured

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took a huge shit n then was in soooo much pain n lightheaded for hours afterwards god i can't keep doing this

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so many of us have given up on doctors cuz they don't know shit n can't do shit. mine just suddenly became unavailable. not that she can do much.

also insurance declined my testosterone so ok

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i can stand up for about half a minute before everything goes to hell and i start trembling really bad. it hurts too much when i try to poop.

riff said "yeah this is the point where options aren't really options anymore" irt hospitals doing anything like. yeah. i can go and suffer more faster there or stay here and suffer slower. which is generally my choice.

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im just so fucking empty and getting emptierr i lose more and more if gets harder to think harder to remember I'm going to lose all of myself before i even die that was why i wanted to kms before it got this bad but i just let myself decay because I'm so scared to fail at dying there's no good way to die it's just suffering no matter what

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i have Nothing going for me except to sit here and stare at screen all day and once i lose that? then what.

i have 0 hope of getting better when my doctor isn't even available no tests find anything and anything i put in my body just makes it die faster.

fuck. that's why it feels like i have THE WORST version. that's why I'm the main character. besides the people that literally can't move or look at screens right now, I'm pretty much in the lowest territories.

there is nothing that can help me. there is nothing can be done. i just decay slowly.

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crazy that i can't even connect to o other ppl in the lc community anymore because no one has it like i do.

someone's going dancing and getting better every day and i want to rip skin apart in jealousy.

What I would fucking GIVE

to dance again

meanwhile I'm almost a week unable to shit and eating and turning on a light for 3 seconds makes me hot and itchy and pissed off.

i can't fucking keep doing this i say every day but have no fucking choice

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im so desperate. I'm so desperate to stop suffering. I'm not ready for it to get worse. I'm not ready to not be able to get up anymore

I'm not ready for everything i put in my mouth to fuck me up

I'm not ready for the inevitably of being trapped in my body unable to thinkor move while nobody can fucking do anything

i don't want to do this anymore

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i can't fucking think. I'm just getting dumber and dumber. insurance wont approve my testosterone. fine i don't have the energy to inject or apply it on myself anyway

sickga advocate for myself for no reason . just dying so so so do slowly

I'm fucked up bad cuz i ate soup tried to find forks

miserable

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i get up, i barely eat anything, i feel like fucking awful terrible shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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wake up> symptoms terrible

get off > symptoms terrible

eat foid > symptoms terrible

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painful spasm in my abdomen so bad my whole body jolted