hasta el final @lookalilke - Tumblr Blog

I'd like to come home now!!

They said I would never love the same way I loved before again, and it seems like they where right.

I have this sudden urge to not be anywhere but everywhere all at once. I feel like isolating myself from everyone and everything and just fade into the faceless void. But theres still so much to see and so much to appreciate.

I always like to think of the good times when I'm feeling down. It's hard being frustrated and upset all the time but I just cant help it. It's a sign that I am still alive and doing my best to stay that way. Every time I think of you I dont get mad, I do get a little upset because we dont talk or hang out, but I'm also happy that your living your life and probably more happier than before. At least I have these memories that I saved at least for times like these.

Isolation caved in, I adore you, the sound of your skin.

This month has been a very difficult and stressful month. It was a month of change and also some rehabilitation. The tensions and anxieties that have held on to me have slowly been stripping away and slowly but surely I am accepting things for what they are. My behavior was not the best behavior I had during this month and I have completely made an idiot of myself. I have came to my terms and conditions that it's best that I focus on my own well being and keep rehabilitating. to disassociate with the past and its tendency to self destruct without warning. If I have to burn a bridge or two just to swim a shore then I'm sure I can find another bridge maybe one made out of stone. I dont want to go back to my old ways, I dont want to be the person I was years before. I don't want to drown my sorrows with a bottle anymore and have to keep forcing an apology for the things I didnt mean to do in the first place. I am not afraid to lose what I have already lost a long time ago and I think this will be better for me and everyone else in the long run. I will be away for a couple of days of the month working on myself and my well being learning to live with what I have and what I have done, but also what I can do to have and influence a better and healthy life for me and everyone around me.

Why

Why is it that everytime I try not to mention your name other people still bring it up and 8 end up just thinking about it. Am I just making a fool of myself or am I trying to set an example? That was mostly a rhetorical question but still why does it still happen.

Last week, I stumbled upon the girl that I had a crush on in the third grade. I found her on tinder out of all places what are the odds of that happening haha.

It may seem like a rough time but in all it's truth it's a blessing in disguise. I'm sure after all the hardships and struggles there is peace and forgiveness. I hope one day I won't need to worry as much as I do now. I am forever grateful to have this life and the people who accompany me through everything I am going through and what I am yet to discover.

And just like you I raise my flag way up high for everyone to see.

I guess this is it

This is my chance to no fuck things up and start a new chapter in my life.

I haven't been able to sleep. It's been 9 days since I've had any decent sleep and when I do sleep it's only for 2 or 3 hours. There's so much going on in my mind I don't know where to start. So many decisions so many options but very little time.

Some days I am fine things are ok and I don't usually sweat the small stuff. Other days I break apart and lose myself in the what ifs and what i should have done. My anxiety gets bad at that point and I tend to smoke or just lock myself away from the real world. I need to find a way where I can balance myself and not have to take other medical alternatives due to my past addictions. Maybe I need therapy maybe I need to unwrap more mazapans and do the best I can without falling apart.

The path is clear now and I can see where I am going. I have accepted all my losses and cut out loose ends. My future seems bright and my goals seem closer every day. I am glad to have those who have guided me and supported me through all of my hardships.

It's not always easy to forgive yourself let alone forgive others. As much as I want to turn back time to fix something that broke a long time ago Every day it seems more and more impossible to fix and put together. I wish I could talk to you again and tell you I'm sorry over and over again but doing so is impossible and I'm just going crazy.

I feel like I'm there but I can't be seen or heard. Like I died and went to purgatory and have to wait in line like the rest of the people. If only I can find a decent place to rest and leave my frustrations behind then I wouldn't hesitate to try. Maybe then I'll finally realize that this was not a dream but it happened and I had no other choice but to set my alarm and wake up like it was any other day. Am I just the only one going crazy or is everyone I know not sane enough to understand me. In all it sounds like an escape a plan that is expected to come true and no matter how sincere it's always hard to tell the truth that there is no other way to put it but it's what I'm going through. That it sounds so very tempting but I rather not pursue the darkest innuendo or an assumption made to be. That the words can save a moment like the one i didn't see or couldn't hold on too because of depression and addiction. It's a moderate affliction that grows consience every second influence a bad decision that never really felt so guilty diluted but exaggerated out of context and despised. The feeling comes back and it feels like the whole world watches the whole world knows of all the bad things you did and that path you once chose. Like an alarm Clock it blares so soundly resonating with the past and creates a rift of anxitey and hate mixed with fear and pitty transforms into something so beautiful and understanding of the hardships of the past and what you where made for. I just want to rest I want a quiet place somewhere that I can close my eyes and count to ten. My alarm clock sounds and it's seven am I am awake I am alive I am aware of what always dwells inside it's not pretty it's not nice but some how now it gives me advice and tries to lead me in the right direction. I am awake I am alive I am awake I am alive.

Sometimes I wish I was not there. I have a very strong urge to just leave everyone and everything and not say a word. at times I've been left without knowing and without anything to say which lead me into this state of failure and frustrations. At this point I wonder why stay if you know you will be disappointed? Why care if they fell in and don't want to get out? Why put so much sentiments and emphasis to what is clearly irrelevant? That's because you can't make them think, talk or live the way you do because they lead themselves into anything they feel. At this point I've had enough of everything and everyone that I just don't say or do nothing anymore. I'll just disappear like how they disappeared on me.

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hasta el final