hope

[lookingforhope]

Should i give up with my dream?

Even i lost the way for what i want to be.

Sadly, I don’t know what i want. But for now, i also can fulfill my daily with my current situation. Again, I don’t know what to do.

Confused

[lookingforhope]

Hard decision that i take is doing operation. I never imagine that i will receive this. But i know this is a consequence because of my past. This is because of me. Allah give me a good salary for this. I realize that all of these are owned by Allah. I sincere.

I hope i can be a better person for future. I can help my mom for all the things. I can help my dad for assisting something. I can accompany my sisters by doing all they want.

I love myself. I can’t loose myself like this. Allah wants me to learn from this. Be careful for all decision that u take. Bcs every decision has a consequence.

[lookingforhope]

Why is this so difficult? I don’t understand. Even I can’t control myself like usual.

What should i do?

[lookingforhope]

I am not a perfect person, yes ofc. I just the common one. I know the world is so dangerous right now. Even when we are facing some foreign from abroad. What are u expect at the first time when u hear the foreign word? Yeah some feels afraid. Many people around there (outside country) are fake. They just ask ur money for them. Yup it happens. But some feels grateful. Why? When u meet them, u think that u can talking to them with different language. U know how to speak and at the same time u know what their culture is. Amazing right? The new things is always make u feel curious and want to ask again and again with long conversations.

For now, i realize that i have someone special. I feel his presence. Although I didn’t meet him yet. Yeah that is my current condition. But who am i? I don’t have anything to complain about someone. That’s why i still grateful in my condition. No one can be a perfect person. U can’t complain to someone if u can’t manage ur life so well. Ur life is same like others. Not perfect.

I learn that nobody can disturb u if u have a purpose. Keep learning and show off to the God if u achieve it. Bcs only God who knows all ur struggles. And only God who can help u in many ways.

Dear myself, i love u. Goodjob!

[lookingforhope]

I realize that some emotions get into my mind and impact on my body as well. The bad feelings that i have is i am envy with someone who has low quality (as i see) when they’re working but they have a big income rather than me. Yes that’s how the world works.

I know that I can’t compare myself to others. It’s not really good ofc. But why i have to stay in the same place with sadness feeling for all the time??? I don’t know what happen on me.

Am I not deserve to work in another one? No. U stuck on it bcs of ur mind. U can’t faith on ur skills. U degraded ur capabilities. You’re not serious when branding urself.

Dumb me.

[lookingforhope]

Letting ur emotions to go somewhere they want. Just enjoy with that.

It is exceptionally difficult to face those amidst the imagination

[lookingforhope]

I want to die again.

[lookingforhope]

I failed to be a good woman. I am so bad. Really. I am not deserve to be with anyone. I am not.

[lookingforhope]

Now I am feeling not good because I really want to have a life partner. It's such a good things if you can share anything to him. But I trust that Allah gives me several way to be a great person first. So I don't want complaining for long term. I am trying to realize that all the things that I have today is so mean to me. That’s why, I am feeling grateful. Please pray for me, I am planning to go to Makkah if Allah give me a chance.

[lookingforhope]

I usually wake up at 5 am and I take a shower for praying subuh. I clean myself dawn early. Then, I wear my clothes. After that, I have breakfast with my family, except my younger sister because she is studying in different city. My mom always tells me that I have to eat vegetable, but sometimes I decline it. When I finish my meal and throw my trash, my mom always says that clean it up! She says like that with angry expression wkwk so funny.

[lookingforhope]

Who is woman can life by herself? Who is someone want to be alone? No one. So please, don't make me feel bad.

[lookingforhope]

It's real. He doesn't want to engage on you. Why are you feel into him? What do you want? Are you such a stupid girl? Why are u get broken heart because of him? He didn't mean anything to you. He is only thinking of him. Why are you still hopes to him? Why? You can't with him. Just go away. Let it go.

[lookingforhope]

Honey. No matter what happen to you, please don't including me. I have been loving you but I can't be an enemy of yours. Hence, you can found another part for completing your life, don't choose me. I can't. I don't have my own bravery.

Ya Rabb, I trust You. I deserve to get this trouble. I'm choose this one. I'm sorry for my past story. Please forgive me. Please help me.

I don't have anyone who can assist me like You, ya Allah, ya Rabb.

I am so glad for Your Kindness. I still can taking a breath, eating, etc in this life. Thankfully, I can learn a message of this problem.

[lookingforhope]

This time, right now, i want to trust Allah for all the things in my life.

No matter how stressful i am facing the conflict, i have to believe Allah.

[lookingforhope]

I love you.

This is the word that I miss. After dating with you for 2 months, I become crazy and speak the bad words. I broke up the relationship itself. I miss our lovely word. We care each others and also fighting. It's funny memories. But you still want to contact me until right now. Thank you my love. You're the one of my wonderful people.

Hopefully we still can talking about our story for long term.

So grateful I am.

[lookingforhope]

Along 1 years I've struggled with my mind. I force myself to feel hurt, feel lonely, feel dumb, and all the bad things. I never imagine that I will facing this conflict. I can't go through with this. You're not for me. You can't. Why you force me so much? I deserve to get better than you. I want to be happy with him. Why you disturb us and make this conflict twice? Why me? Why you can't be and don't want be a friend, dear ex? I don't want hate anyone. Please, this feel is not comfy. I feel sinful to him. He try to be kindness but can't. He choose to leave me right now. For the second time, I feel lonely. You're jerk.. I am so bad woman..

[lookingforhope]

The maturity level is not only about how you control yourself but also that you are willing to hear what someone talks to you.

You have to brave to make a decision. Even you would get high risks and consequences. This is your life. Only you can control your life, not else.

You can do that. Trust yourself.

#love #loveyourself #spirit