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@losergirlfaye
I'M LOSING MY MIND
hey, starting a blog like a diary, idk how long this would last but I've had visions of pouring my heart out to the internet. Daily problems, mental problems, and problems with my non-existent romantic relationships!!
Who Knows - Daniel Caesar
But Not Kiss - Faye Webster
WOAH OKAY UPDATE ON THE GUY. I haven't really been paying much attention since the big crash out of February (I cried a lot that night, over friends, over him) Nothings lots happened because really, nothing really happens with me, we both still say Hi to each other, but other than that really nothing. Honestly, I was already out the door, my head and foot was outside, but i think my heart was still inside. It's been what, 2 months??? What progress do you think I could have made when it's not my turn to move smh. ANYWAYS, back to him, he has this reallllyyy amazing ex gf. Their break up was not so messy, but also not clean, both were in fault but it mostly stacked against him, he was an asshole to her and all omg. He really didn't support her when she needed it like girl! That's your gf doing something so scary, why would you do that to her! Messy mess happens and they end it, he says something crazy to her which honestly it really changed my perspective on him, a new point of view really is nice.
I was with my friend and my friend invited her ex which is also her friend and classmate, ill call her classmate, So classmate mentions how that dude is crazy, like I learned things I haven't learned, omg there was a time too we were supposed to meet up with friends at a cat cafe, and apparently that was a set up??? he wanted to be set up but ended up not going since he was sick or something??? idk man. AND from bweteen now and December, there was a point where he liked a girl from his friend group like recently, woah man what. AND HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS PROM DATE??? AND HE TOLD HIS MOM????? That, I was not expecting that in all honesty, I cant get over why he told his mom, that's crazy. We still chat duh that proposal happened yesterday, but seeing him in this new light is crazyy, I wanna see where this ends my gosh. He also said something along the lines of "I enjoy being since with god now" during his proposal and honestly I prossesed it as, "I want a situationsip" LIKE LMAO, he place he pulled me too was really loud there was someone playing drums and I couldn't hear him half the time. huhu poor dude. THAT'S ALL, we have a date?????? (idfk man) On May 2nd, since I plan on getting my nails done that day omg so excited (for the nails).
Both all the time - Faye Webster
I ... Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, but at the same time, I have to live with that loneliness. it's hugging me, in a really cold hug after a good day, I have friends sure, I love them so much really but there's this feeling I'm really just floating around them. I hope they don't find me annoying wanting to be with them so much, I feel like I'm the only one feeling like this since they also have their own friends they really care and I'm just here. I hope I'm not bothering them by wanting to hang out,,, but really I would think this would be karma the amount of times I've declined them. They both seem so close to each other and idk, maybe I'm making this up. I hope they both know I love them but I really don't want to be here. I feel like being friendless and alone is better than suddenly being lonely.
Think
I want to get married, I really do, nothing's stopping me other than maybe my emotional contepation and the fact I don't think ill loved and to give out love that large to want to get married to someone. I want to see myself walk down the aisle with someone I truly adore and who will hear my love, not for me, but for my parents. I want to see them secure with someone; I want to ensure that their daughter is in the right hands and they don't have to worry about that. Its such a sad, deep heart feeling that whenever I think about it, I don't think I can achieve that. I don't know if I can give that amount of love. I wish I could get married contractually to someone who I can marry to make sure my parents are content and happy. Maybe one day I can feel indifferent to this post, learn to extend myself, and absorb more. Only time can tell.
Break It Off - pinkpantheress
Nothing happened... sorta. We hung out like a handful of times, usually with our mutual friend and my friend too, on study date, and then soon we would see each other and say 'hi'. ABOUT THE STUDY DATE: It was so fun and nice. I haven't gotten anything done because really I don't do much study dating but after it when we were done we moved to a place to get picked up and get food we went to Mcdees, and talked more with friends then one by one they started leaving, it was only the three of us left since his friend would ride with him home and really It would have been so much more awkward without him. We chatted and talked about travel, and he's so nice and sweet. Going to him, I checked Instagram notes because that's where I live, and I send cryptic messages through songs. HE placed Daniel Salad's song rearrange, which is sweet. Time passes, and we don't see each other during the whole test period:///
We saw each other during our university's sports season; he was cheering, and I was there to monitor games since it was part of my committee's job to keep track of that. He sat down next to me and started chatting ofc I had to talk to him back, then idk I said something wrong?? is it?? I said, 'I wish the game would start so I could go home' and he responded with 'What ever makes you happy' LIKE WHAT sorry idk it sounds ... weird.. I also did a few weird things before. He questioned me omg, I KEEP SAYING THE WRONG THINGS omg STOP ME. Another instance was that he plays a sport being live-streamed on our HQ's TV, and his friend was there and took a video and idk he was playing so well and amazing ofc they got first runner up's. HE MESSAGED ME, saying he was motivated watching me watch him win and play omgfijbngie. Good on him.m It's like our first time chatting other than the time I greeted him happy birthday back in december. OFC, I felt like I said something wrong. Really, I should just stfu. The whole week really I felt like shit emotionally despite it being the most fun of the year. on the second to the last day I felt like shit so I started ignoring him, my foot is out the door but my mind and body is still inside. He's really good. I really don't think I'm good enough for him.
What can I really do? I want him to reach out to finish this or to start something nice together. I can't really get him out of my head. it's been what, 3 times since he appeared in my dreams?? I hope he's well and figures out what he wants, I hope I can figure out what I want as well.
Thinking about you - Faye Webster
I NEED TO TELL THIS TO SOMEONE OMG,
lately, well it was around the second week of December to be exact, my close friend sent a 'heyyy Faye : smirk:' and that was so sus and sent another one later but now with a screenshot of a photo of me and someone responding to that photo with 'omg crushie'. obviously wth???? In what day and age would any of her friends like me??? She's the type to be with really cool, smart, and popular people. omg, which one of her friends like me??? I could think of two people, the first being someone taken, and the latter a really cool guy with a past relationship with a goddess. AND LIKE woah, no way cool guy would like me...
THE FOLLOWING DAY HE FOLLOWS ME ON INSTAGRAM. which in all honesty raises my suspicion of him to the highest suspect, because??? why now of all time omg. Days go by with no thought about it because who needs to think about that when you're praying animal crossing!!!
Then I and my friends went out for coffee since it was December and we hadn't hung out in a yearrrrr, we went out and chatted, and then the topic of my admirer came up, omg this was so nerve-racking because I felt like I know who it is, but I don't want to come as too excited!!!!! My other friend, who had no clue who it was started guessing people like crazyyyy, he even mentioned cool guy but said something about being gay or smth idk, and brushed him off! We hadn't hung out after that time because I kept flaking on them huhu/
The second semester started on the first day, I greeted my friend and her classmates one of my friends and cool guy's friend said 'Hey, greet him too' AND POINTED AND HIM OMG. At that point it was so obvious. ofc I consulted another friend of mine in my class and the first thing they asked me was 'Would you accept their confession' woah! crazy! idk if he actually likes me or not!!!
THEN BOOM another hang-out with friends, I actually made a point to show up since really, I've been flaking on them and I wanted to see them ofc. When me and my friend were alone together she came out to me and said, 'apperently he doesn't like you anymore, so I'm going to say who it is' AND REVEALED WHO IT WAS and the reason he didn't like me was because his grandparents didn't like my dad?? my dads well know, but like?? why would he grandparents know about me??? wth!!
thought about it long and hard, still thinking about it, like the hangout literally happened 3 weeks ago AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!
recently we had lunch together - my friends, and he was there to drive us!! omg he sat in front of me and like honestly idk. He also chatted to me about how our parents know each other since his dad and my dad went to the same school, like woah such a small world, but like wth!!! didn't you allegedly say your grandparents don't like my dad, BUT ALSO his father made a point to meet with my dad during his first year in my school!! woah.... okayyyy....
still thinking about it :/// honestly I should give background, I first saw cool guy during our department acquaintance party, he sat with my friend since they were close and honesty to God my first thoughts about him were "Woah he's so cool, I wonder if I could make him like me" Like I was crazyyyy my gosh and he's been at the back of my mind since then, I don't mind him, I think I mind myself more, Hes really cool and really normal, a good student, christ-loving and a decent person. which!!! like I'm not any of those wth! at least I know I'm pretty but with a rotten personality and crazy interest... sometimes I wish I was normal so that maybe I would be right for him...
butttt, I should honestly let go, its been like weeks, and nothing really has happened, but I don't think I can stop thinking about it lol, it would be at the back of my mind as a 'what if' moment, even as a friend I think I would be content haha!!!
thats like, is the reason I made this blog here, its nice to write and reflect on shit.
Love Me For What I Am - Carpenters
having someone like me for my looks really fucked me up. I can't stop thinking about how they know me on the surface, but the problem is I actually do want them to like me. So in the end really I've been evaluating myself, thinking about how the interest that makes me is too weird to be normal in his eyes... Like?! how do I tell this normie whos so normal and well that I like reading guys who take it up the butt??? How do I say to him that this novel has changed me in all ways but then also read the two main characters take it raw????
I've become self-aware with the things that I like and enjoy, it's sad to ask myself 'Would he like this?' because apparently, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE???