relapse

[losingmeh]

Please block don't follow if you're under 18

About me:

27, trans dude, ex bulimic now dx with EDNOS

Relapse started after 2 years of binging non stop and gaining a whole 30kg

I have a kiddo

I'm inpatient in a treatment center working on my other illnesses (cptsd, psychosis and anxiety/depression)

Using this blog to vent.. I'd prefer no one followed tbh I don't want this life for anyone.. recovery just wasn't for me.. not till I'm thin and masc again anyway.

Can't follow/interact off this account as it's not my main blog

SW: 85.8kg

CW: 71.6kg

GW1 74.4kg

GW2 68kg

Gw3 64kg

GW4 60kg

[losingmeh]

Making a new account so I can follow back and interact please go follow me on @sickpuppieslosinggunfight over 18s only though please

[losingmeh]

Ahhh my fucking inbox on this blog has disappeared... advice?

[losingmeh]

So many new followers since that shower post blew up..

One) welcome, I can't follow you back till I make my main blog more anon ill get there eventually and let you all know when so we can be mutuals

Two) please please check your inbox if your age isn't in your bio or pinned post. I will block you if I don't get a reply in the next 12 hours.. for your safety this is an over 18s space

[losingmeh]

Haven't felt this strongly about not aliving in a long fucking time. Today's been horrific. This week has been horrific. I hate my existence. Benzo has been doubled and can take three times a day. Please let that help. I guess it is a little cause I've stopped uncontrollably sobbing. At least I avoided being moved rooms I guess. Idk. The only part of me that wants to stay alive is for my toddler and not to leave her with no one adequate to raise her.

[losingmeh]

To my new followers, check your inbox please or I'll be blocking you if there's no reply

[fawningoverbabydoll]

Its Not fun being Anorexic in your mid 20s. Most ppl I meet online talk about school and boys while I am over here trying to convince my husband I ate after I put our child to bed and calculating how many calories will get me through my work day.

Cant relate. Just cant relate.

[losingmeh]

V much relate to this.. You're not alone 💖

[losingmeh]

Used my points on my fasting app to skip today's fast because it's fucking cold out and I wasn't gonna get by without my coffee.. make that two. Feeling guilty but oh well.

Stressing about food today. Dinner is a triggering thing for my ptsd. Don't wanna smell it when I go collect my vegan meal. Can I peg my nose and not be judged?

[losingmeh]

Idc how many calories it burns you will never catch me having a cold shower..

[losingmeh]

Pita pocket pizzas for the win! So full I don't believe my cal calculations but I'm under for the day by a decent amount so..

[losingmeh]

I just can't with this being the way my life is. I hate being controlled by food. It started with emotional eating as a kid and stealing food to full blown bulimia and now I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've never known a healthy relationship with food.

I watch my toddler eating. I watch her asking for food when she's hungry. I watch her eyes light up when I offer her a lollipop. And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my toddler for seeing food as a form of nourishment, as a form of enjoyment, as something to have fun creating.

I don't want her ever to be like me. Yet I can't let go of my fucked up eating. I can't make myself have more than one meal a day. I can't nourish myself. I eat to fill a void or I don't eat to numb myself.

I'm body positive for everyone but myself. I can't live with myself for what I've done to myself. To my family. To my friends.

And it's not just the messed up eating it's the self harm and the suicide attempts and the violence and the psych ward admissions and I hate who I am/have been. I don't want this to be my life.

But I can't let it go.

How do I go on knowing my existence has caused so much pain?

[losingmeh]

Planning dinner.. love the two nights I can cook for myself cause I'm on leave from the ward. Gonna do pita pocket pizzas.. expensive on ingredients side of things but I should be able to make quite a few and they'll go in the daycare lunch box. And it feels like I'm treating myself with "pizza".

[losingmeh]

Log Tues 7/2

Intake: 515cal

TDEE: 1795cal

Steps: 6751 👎👎👎

Need to get back into my walking groove. It benefits my mental health so much. I don't know what's stopping me. There's just this invisible anxiety barrier. And I feel better when i get my 10k steps because it puts my tdee in a normal range. Like let's be honest 1795 cal for a whole day is pretty below par.

On the plus side I'm thinner than I've been in 2.5 years. I get so nervous in the morning before I weigh in but then the last two mornings have been such a relief. I know I'll plateau again soon which will suck but I'm so hooked to seeing a lower number. I can't wait to see my next gw. Don't get me wrong in still huge but I was so so so much bigger.. 14.2kg bigger. It's nice having my clothes get so loose and baggy. Not letting myself buy more clothes till at least another 6.6kg though.

[losingmeh]

Yayyy down another 600g this morning so under what I was last week now. I don't know if what I'm now calling a metabolism weekend was worth it or not. It was horrific to see the scale back up to where it was.

[hailbones666]

[losingmeh]

Log mon 6/2

Intake: 512cal

TDEE: 1846cal

Steps: 7493 👎

I was gonna post wieiad but now I'm not cause I'm scared it makes me identifiable by other people in the ward.. so yeah.

Really missing my morning coffees with doing intermittent fasting but I'll get used to it. Will be able to have one just before 1pm. Also really missed my pre bed hot chocolate but again, I'll learn to live with it. Starting my fast on the app helped me not eat my feelings last night so I guess it's gonna be helpful?

[losingmeh]

Weight down 1.8 kg from yesterday. Thank fuck it's disappearing. I'm never letting myself eat that much again. Gotta stick to 19:5 intermittent fasting on Sunday which is my most challenging day. I overeat every Sunday and hate myself. No more. Its not worth how miserable it makes me feel.