Blow the candles out

,,,,THE RECORDs OF MY LIFE AND DEATH,,,, tw: SUICIDE, SUICIDE IDEATION, SELF HARM, mood disorders, personality disorder, BPD, toxicity, toxic moods, negativity, self destructive, self hatred, mental illness... etc. please do not report, FEEL FREE TO BLOCK

[lost-my-way-there]

if I could, I'd sell all my organs and send all the money anonymously to my family, it's a win win situation

[lost-my-way-there]

a year of being clean and now I'm going to relapse...

[lost-my-way-there]

i'm losing touch with the concept of love...

[lost-my-way-there]

even ghosts eventually die

I kill a part of me everyday in the name of love and life but I'm scared of isolation and so I try to... I go out and laugh with them... get burnt out and I'm so scared they'll find out but in a week or so I'm sure they'll know anyways— I'm the freak the shi no one's asked for with problems to die for but why still here, and I'm so very projecting spewing all nonsense... so so disturbing... I wanna have those nightmares if it means I get to hold you if it means... I'm so tired so tired of pretending and smiling and talking and hoping... to keep a lid on it so that none of the darkness spills out of me so that nobody sees.... that I'm a lost cause... fighting to breathe in the name of love in the name of life they keep me trapped here and so I'm here fighting to breathe

[lost-my-way-there]

all day, not once have I thought... not a single memory crossed my mind no flashes, no pain, no absence felt within— happy death day dear, have u achieved everything u wanted now? the self fulfilling prophecy fulfilled... the monsters you've created are terrifying now? your worst wishes manifested? i can't feel anymore, i don't exist,,, high as a kite, i'm crossing the streets,,, cars and bikes whoosh by, i don't fear for my dear life... i don't feel.... but i still care so damn much— its so so disgusting,,, i still... still care so much and it makes me ill drowns my head under water... and i'm listening... still, uuugghhhh i care so damn much, is that why i can't kill...

[lost-my-way-there]

I hate food

[lost-my-way-there]

the reality is you were just lazy

[lost-my-way-there]

give me a pill that will stop me from moving on...

[lost-my-way-there]

all I've learned is to cut somewhere else

[lost-my-way-there]

from birth

I came into the world a murderer

never thought I'd kill again

prayed that it'd be me if it happened

but what can I say... I came into the world a murderer

I prayed i wouldn't survive—not again

I prayed i could switch places—but what can I say... I killed... again

I wish I'd taken those pills,

when i had the chance

when i could still stop it all

change the circumstance...

not be so defiant — trying to live—

you know, and leave them all,,, all in peace...

[lost-my-way-there]

please don't fade away

please please please

please don't turn me into that person

selfish and wretched

don't make me this monster

this cruel bitch

please please please

just don't fade away

let me have some integrity

let me hold on to this last piece of sanity—my humanity

please don't break my brain

don't make me hurt myself

just to remember you again

just to remind myself my life belongs to you

all my sadness and all my pain,

I'll only allow them to be yours

my depression and all the sickness,

take it all— it's yours

I won't bleed for no one else

I won't cry for myself

I'll submit my grievances

all to you— just for you— I swear,

see for yourself...

[lost-my-way-there]

please please please fkin k me

[lost-my-way-there]

i want somebody to kill me

[lost-my-way-there]

floats away...

like a kid's lost balloon

flashes of you bordering my insanity...

I go there only cause of you

I can't picture your face,,,, I forgot it all...

I'm hoping sleep deprivation will bring it back to me

the memories that meant something to me

you took away those versions of me

I grieve the souls of a hundred ones

the persons I lost and won't become

I miss being a kid again...

but maybe it was all overdue

maybe my punishment's only coming thru....

I become a zombie when I think of you—

a heartless machine

I become the crazy dog that I am

ripping out my hair

the absence is maddening

the silence bleeds my ears

and no matter how hard I hit my head

I can't trap you back in there

I think I just... I think I forgot it all...

[lost-my-way-there]

why...

[lost-my-way-there]

u r fucking incompetent...

[lost-my-way-there]

this makes me wanna die