Lost Child Diaries

[jillianleedy]

[lostchilddiaries-blog]

With denial comes confusion. . Years went by of me denying my negative emotions. I approached life with a polyanna attitude and got seriously mad at myself when I let any sort of upset break the surface. I was unsure of how to express what was going on inside because I didn't want whatever it was- anxiety, judgement, defeat; insert your worst feelings here- to be real. I wanted to be happy. . While I believe I needed this- a (somewhat faked) time of things and me being okay- I'm at a point now where this denial of self keeps the happiness at bay. I'm discovering what these negative emotions are and their roots. I'm letting myself feel them. . Wallowing in self pity isn't what I'm encouraging, here. I'm talking about acceptance. . This weekend I went on a mini vacation with family 😶 leaving a pretty dreary situation back home. I desperately want things to be okay, (family dysfunction background, hello) but denying the issue in hopes it'll disappear is just making it larger. Fuzzier. Confusing. . I enjoyed my weekend away but when this issue crossed my mind I let myself be quiet and real. . With time away and allowance to feel this through, I'm realizing major themes within the issue. My emotions are releasing healthily rather than building up inside. I'm calming down and feel grounded in knowledge about what's really going on. . With acceptance comes understanding. . Let yourself be you. Let your people be themselves. Let things fall apart if they must. Let it all be. . In time you'll start to see youself and everything else for what it really is. . xo . Featuring a photo of me with my brother and my main squeeze 💕

[lostchilddiaries-blog]

I was walking through a greenhouse the other day when this flower caught my eye. His beauty was almost impossible to not notice, reaching higher than the other flowers around and facing not up towards the sun, but sideways, head on to passerbys. . The day before, on Mother's day, my sister had a greek mythology book sitting around and I skimmed the table of contents only to be immediately drawn to the story of Narcissus and Echo. . Both characters feel dissatisfied and insufficiently loved. Narcissus falls in love with himself, overidealizing his magnificance and importance. He is transformed into a flower that blooms by water so he can stare endlessly at his own reflection. Echo longs for Narcissus's love, but can't call out to him - she lost her free speech and was only able to finish sentances or repeat the last thing she had heard. She loses herself trying to make him love her. They both waste away, depleted and unloved. . In loving a narcissist.. In being raised and  taught what love is by a narcissist.. I learned that love was conditional. I lost my voice. I lost my sense of self. I became invisible. . In learning that I'm not alone.. that since the beginning of time ancient gods have been written up to explain the phenomena.. that present day there are people out there who understand.. I'm learning that love is meant to be unconditional. I'm discovering that who I really am is vibrant and worthy and loveable. . I'm finding my voice. I hope my story and knowledge provide comfort to those who relate and information to the masses that are oblivious to the things that tore me apart growing up. . I gave the flower all I could, some appreciation and a moment of my time, then moved on towards the vegetables. I'm looking for plants that I can harvest and recieve from for all the care I give to them. I know you know what I mean (: . Have a grateful spring day, beauties. Know your inherent radiance. Provide for yourself love and validation of your greatness. . Thanks for reading. Great things are coming, stay tuned if ya feel me. Let's heal together 🌸 . xo Allison