Notes on the book: 13 Things Mentally Tough People Don’t Do
This book is one i wish i would hve read much earlier in my life and are great for helping you get through tough times!
⁃ 1. No pity parties aka no feeling sorry for yourself
⁃ Waste of time
⁃ Causes more negative emotions
⁃ Prevents you from dealing with other emotions
⁃ Causes you to overlook the good
⁃ Ruins relationships
⁃ Keep in mind what you do have, not what you don’t
⁃ 2. They don’t give away their power
⁃ If someone says something you don’t like and you begin to yell or argue then you give those words more power. When you lose your cool you give the other person more power.
⁃ To help combat this:
⁃ Take deep breathes
⁃ Excuse yourself from the situation
⁃ Distract yourself (example: walking or reading)
⁃ Develop feedback critically (consider the source). Ask these questions to evaluate the feedback: What evidence is there that this is true? What evidence is there that this isn’t true? Why might this person be giving me this feedback? Do i want to change any of my behavior?
⁃ Recognize your choices
⁃ Ways retaining your power will help you be mentally strong: develop a better sense of who you are when you make choices that are best for you and not what will lead to the least amount of consequences, when you take responsibility for your own behavior you become accountable for your progress toward your goals, you won’t be forced to do things you don’t want due to peer pressure, you can do things you choose, reduces risk of depression and anxiety.
⁃ Forgiveness reduces stress, increases tolerance to pain, unconditional forgiveness can help you live longer (waiting for someone to say sorry before forgiving gives them power over your life and possibly your death)
⁃ 3. They don’t shy away from change
⁃ 5 stages of change: 1. Pre contemplative 2. Contemplative 3. Preparation 4. Action 5. Maintenance (often overlooked, but very important)
⁃ Prepare for making change with these steps: establish one goal you want to reach in 30 days, establish realistic changes to make that get you to the goal, identify one step each day to get to goal, make a list of challenges that may arise, list of how to deal with these, hold yourself accountable with friends and with yourself by writing down progress daily, monitor progress (writing it down helps keep you motivated), behave like the person you want to become, clearly identify who you want to be and then be proactive about becoming that person.
⁃ 4. Don’t waste time on things they can’t control
⁃ Internal locus of control: you control everything that happens in your life
⁃ External locus of control: everything in the world happens for a reason and you can’t help control it either way
⁃ Bi-locus of control: good even mix of both locus’s of control
⁃ Instead of focusing on controlling what you can’t control, focus on what you can do to prepare
⁃ 5. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone
⁃ Most of us think always people pleasing is a generous and selfless act. It actually isn’t, it assumes people care about your every move and it assumes you have the power to change how people feel.
⁃ Truths about people pleasing: worrying about pleasing everyone is a waste of time, people pleasers are easily manipulated, you can’t please everyone, clarify your values and make a decision based on your values not others
⁃ Pick top five values, are you living your life according to these values
⁃ Take time to decide, yes or no
⁃ When someone asks you to do something, ask these questions to make the best decision: do i want to do this, what do i have to give up for this, what will i gain, how will i feel if i do this?
⁃ What’s helpful:
⁃ Identifying your values and behaving accordingly
⁃ Being aware of your emotions before deciding to say yes
⁃ Saying no to things you don’t want to do
⁃ Practice dealing with uncomfortable emotions
⁃ What’s not helpful:
⁃ Losing sight of who you are and what your values are
⁃ Only considering others feelings and not your emotions
⁃ Automatically accepting an invitation without evaluating if it’s a good choice
⁃ Agreeing with people and complying with requests to avoid confrontation
⁃ Going along with the crowd or refusing to express any opinions that go against what the majority of people think
⁃ 6. They don’t fear taking calculated risks
⁃ Remember to calculate emotional risk when evaluating risk
⁃ Develop a plan to deal with worst case scenario
⁃ How will this risk effect me in 5 years
⁃ Practice taking risks (guy who went to botanical gardens and started convos with 130 girls)
⁃ take strategic judgment risks, not blind gambles
⁃ Monitor type of risks your taking and how you feel about them
⁃ Take note of opportunities you are passing up
⁃ Remember calculating risks takes practice
⁃ What’s helpful:
⁃ Being aware of emotional responses to risk
⁃ Identifying types of risks that are particularly challenging
⁃ Spending time thinking about risk before making a decision
⁃ Recognizing irrational thoughts that influence your decision making
⁃ Educating yourself on the facts
⁃ Practicing taking risks and monitoring the results
⁃ What’s not helpful:
⁃ Basing your decisions on risk on how you feel
⁃ Avoiding the type risks that stir up the most fear
⁃ Allowing irrational thoughts to influence your willingness to try something new
⁃ Reacting impulsively without taking time to weigh risk
⁃ Ignoring the facts or not making an effort to learn more when you lack information you need to make the best choice
⁃ Refusing to take risks that cause you discomfort
⁃ 7. They don’t dwell on the past
⁃ You can’t heal the past by living there, you heal it by living fully in the present
⁃ Dwelling on the past gives you a greater chance of disease
⁃ Learn from your past and take valuable lessons forward
⁃ When you recall negative memories use these strategies to keep your experiences in perspective: focus on the lessons learned, accept that it happened and that you grew from it, think about facts not emotion, when you take emotion from an event you are less likely to dwell on it, change the version of the story to one from a different perspective, and make peace with the past
⁃ Ways to make peace with the past: give yourself permission to move forward, recognize the emotional toll of dwelling on the past vs moving forward, practice forgiveness, change behavior that keeps you stuck in the past, seek professional help if necessary
⁃ What’s helpful: reflecting on the past enough to learn from it, moving forward in life even when it might be painful, actively working through grief so you can focus on the present and plan for the future , finding ways to make peace with the past, and thinking about negative events in terms of facts not emotions
⁃ What’s not helpful: trying to pretend the past didn’t happen, trying to prevent yourself from moving forward, trying to undo the past, replaying painful events repeatedly and the emotions with them, focusing on the past and not living in the present, trying to make up for past mistakes
⁃ 8. They don’t make the same mistake over and over
⁃ Good example of what not to do... Someone whose lost thousands in a stock, but decided I’m too far now and keeps throwing money at it
⁃ If you keep repeating mistakes: you won’t reach your goals, the problem won’t get solved, you’ll think differently about yourself, you may not try as hard, you may frustrate others who watch you make the same mistakes, you may develop irrationalized thoughts to excuse your mistakes
⁃ Steps to make written plan to fix mistakes
⁃ 1. Establish behavior to replace previous behavior
⁃ 2. Identify warning signs that you are heading down the wrong path
⁃ 3. Find a way to hold yourself accountable (journal/calendar help)
⁃ 4. Practice self discipline - ways to practice self control - practice tolerating discomfort, use positive self control, keep your goals in mind, impose restrictions on yourself, create a list of reasons you want to change, learning from your mistakes will make you stronger
⁃ What’s helpful:
⁃ Acknowledging your role in each mistake, practicing self discipline strategies, creating a written plan, identify triggers
⁃ What’s not helpful:
⁃ Making excuses or refusing to examine your role in the outcome, putting yourself in a position to fail, responding repulsively without thinking of other possibilities, assuming you can always resist temptation or thinking you’re doomed to the same results
⁃ 9. They don’t resent other people’s success
⁃ Use these strategies if you find yourself being resentful: avoid comparing yourself to other people, develop an awareness of your stereotypes, stop emphasizing your weaknesses, quit magnifying other peoples strengths, don’t insult other people’s accomplishments, stop trying to determine what’s fair, stop focusing only on competition instead focus on cooperation and collaboration, create your own definition of success
⁃ What’s helpful:
⁃ Creating your own definition of success, replacing negative thoughts that breed resentment with more rational thoughts, celebrating other people’s accomplishments, cooperating rather than competing with everyone, focusing on your strengths
⁃ What’s not helpful: treating everyone like direct competition, diminishing other people’s accomplishments, imagining how much better everyone else’s lives are, chasing after everyone else’s dreams, constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you, treating everyone around you like direct competition
⁃ 10. They don’t give up after the first failure
⁃ Here’s what research says about perseverance and failure: deliberate practice is more important than natural talent, grit is a better predictor of success than IQ (definition of grit: perseverance and passion for long term goals), attributing failure to a lack of ability leads to a sense of learned helplessness, if you think you can’t improve you likely won’t try, accept failure is a part of the learning process for you to grow
⁃ Self compassion and not necessarily high self esteem may be the key to reaching your full potential. Self compassion means viewing your failures kindly yet realistically and that everyone has short comings. Being too hard on yourself leads to you thinking you’ll never be good enough and being too easy on yourself leads to excuses as to why you can’t.
⁃ Replace irrational thoughts with these realistic realistic reminders: failure is often a part of the journey to success, i can handle failure, i can learn from failure, failure is a sign that I’m challenging myself and i can choose to try again, i have the power to overcome failure if i choose
⁃ What’s helpful:
⁃ Using failure as a learning opportunity
⁃ Resolving to try again if the first try wasn’t successful