sound of wind

[louderlouderloud3r]

when  it was good, it was because i was melting, or because i was dancing without thinking

but i think when someone is pulling me. when someone is staring at my breasts.. when someone is touching my ass. even my boyfriend. FUCKING STOP. 

when it was good, i was not self-conscious. when it was good i was just experiencing him. when i didn’t want him to be touching me so much finally he started dancing colombian, and then i got uncomfortable because i didn’t know how. i felt so white. so american. so like a nobody because i don’t have culture

[louderlouderloud3r]

i took Ken with me to a party last night and it was a disaster 

good thing, too, because i don’t know how much longer it would have taken to see 

i think he knows himself and i don’t know myself yet. 

that his loneliness and mine are two different beings. 

he longs to be with someone else and i long to be with myself. 

it was so terrible on the dancefloor, let me tell you. i like him! when he’s doing his thing.. i admire him. i want to see more of who he is. but he faces me, and faces me, and faces me, and faces me, and faces me and faces me and faces me and faces me it’s like um! i’m not the reason why you’re alive..like stop. there’s more here, and more, there’s yourself. so he’s like you’re-the-only-person-in-the-room type and i can appreciate that. that’s romantic. but i came to dance. i have a special relationship with dance. and him facing me so much...like literally. i felt like he wanted more than i could give him. i don’t even have as much of myself, for myself, that he wanted to have. so i was feeling like i wanted him to back off. it was a struggle. i’d ignore him, i’d move away, i’d dance up on him from behind, eventually i would turn him and idk what his deal was i had to say “don’t face me so much. i feel self conscious when you face me so much. you’re making me uncomfortable. ya babe.” like wtf. so it was frustrating to say the least. read my fucking body language. 

i think it boils down to him wanting to share this thing with someone that’s out of my realm because i don’t even know who he’s touching when he touches me. 

i think his touch feels so nice because he knows himself. i could melt into him. but i feel like that’s all i would be doing. not building. not growing or expanding. melting. 

[louderlouderloud3r]

I wanted to create this blog because I am excited about who I am. I am afraid, too.