how soon is now?

if you want to get to know me, follow my smile down into its curves. all these lines are born in sorrows and in pleasures and everyone ends up with the face that they deserve.                                                                                                                                               Come for the amateur astrology journey, stay for the random rants! 

[love-isaresult]

What platform is it appropriate for me to talk about the fact that on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, when all of Rebecca’s exes start trying to win her back now that her mental health is doing better or the fact that she’s working on it, it makes me SO ANGRY! Like.... leave her alone! Let her do the work on herself and stop being selfish. Not the point of the show but.. blegh. Truly, though, I love this show.

[love-isaresult]

This is my actual first day of “summer” at home and you just can’t make this shit up people. 🥴

[love-isaresult]

I have been absent from this page for a long time but I have continued to pull cards (almost) every day. It got a little crazy there at the end of the school year.

This morning I decided to do a little three card check in with myself. Recently, I have been really frustrated with how much I feel like I am existing for the sole purpose to give to others, and I’m feeling nothing in return. Lots of thank you’s, sure. But my life is stagnant and unchanging and I’m tired of putting my effort in elsewhere. Do I feel an incredible amount of guilt for this? You betcha. At this point, I can’t ignore it. And I keep putting off change like, next year or right after this... and maybe I need to listen to this feeling and also my readings. For months now I have had readings and horoscopes tell me that big things are on the horizon. At first, I was like, oh do I just wait for that to happen or when will this be coming to me. But, maybe I have to make it happen. (If you’re reading this you’re probably rolling your eyes at this realization). I always thought that tarot and horoscopes tell you what will be put in your path, but I think I need to look at it more as a door opening, and I have to be the one that puts the effort forth to walk through it.

So, for the cards listed above, I have the queen of wands in my past. I didn’t look up any of these meanings, I need to try and derive meaning from within me. If I’m stumped I’ll go back and look. But, this one was clear. In the past I have had this identity of really being secure. I have built what I built at my job. I have my cat at my feet. A cute little sunflower as my septre. But im looking to the side like, what else is there? Or what’s next?

Present: the ten of swords. Yeeeep. Feeling unease. Restless. I am equipped with 10 swords. So I feel like this is showing that I am equipped and I’m ready for the battle that lies ahead whether that be the hard work of moving or looking for a new job or whatever it is. I almost feel like of course I want a relationship but I feel like I can’t even think about that if being in erie isn’t right for me. So we are in a low, even though most days I feel fine.

Future: the empress. WELL SHIT! I think if I go through with looking to change up my living situation/LIFE, I could have everything I need! I will have become the empress of my life! I just looked at the card for some clarification and it said fertility and pregnancy HAHA. While that scares me, I have been talking a lot about motherhood with people. Whether I have a child myself or not, maybe that is in my future. And I’m ok with that. I love my nieces and nephews, I love my friends’ babies. I would like the opportunity to put a good human or two on the planet.

Overall, I think this reading really gave me some strength, hope, and maybe a little direction. I just need to figure out where to start.

[love-isaresult]

Sometimes I think about how I used to get up and go to school and deal with all the bullshit extra curricular afterwards and also have a pit in my stomach 24 hrs a day because I was in a toxic relationship like HOW DID I DO THAT? Mental breakdowns are at an all time high and I used to do that shit?! What have I become.

I still pull cards every morning, I just got busy again and had to cut the extra journaling out.

[love-isaresult]

(Belated)

April 20: Seven of Pentacles reversed and Ten of Wands.

Almost every day I have a card that jumps out at me. I don’t know if I’m just being more careless or what, but that card will be listed first. Pentacles usually mean money (apparently) so since this is reversed I would assume it means I’m losing money - which is true. Blew through that stimulus check. And that was true when I had to move some money out of savings because I was just hitting it too hard. But I did buy some things I need. The iPad was a purchase for me, but I think I can make a return on my investment if I work at it.

Next, the wands. I’m still not super familiar with wands and swords. He is struggling to hold these wands up. Its representing a burden he is carrying. It’s showing hard work. I think that it was representative of how I’m carrying a lot of things that are making me sad nd it’s weighing me down (about school) but we have to press on.

I forgot to take a picture of the cards. I’ve been having to rush down stairs that I don’t do my cards until I’ve made breakfast or something.

[love-isaresult]

April 19: Queen of Swords reversed.

Okay, I want to first explain how things went this morning. I will always see the card that jumps out of the deck, if that happens. So today Queen of Swords feel out and landed reversed. So I listened. But honestly, it didn’t fit my day. You can see what it means above.

So just for kicks, I checked what card I would have drawn: 8 of Cups reversed. It sounded much more like the vibe I have been feeling and what I felt when I woke up this morning.

I started to think about what miserable woman I would encounter or what gossip might come up? None really happened today. I wasn’t narrow minded. I worked most of the day. I did see my grandmother. She’s a miserable woman. But everyone was good and so am I. Weird day, but we will see what tomorrow brings.

[love-isaresult]

April 17: Five of Swords - bonus draw because I did not accept the negativity: Two of Cups.

First of all let me say I am finally getting cards thay are not reversed. The man is looking back at the two men who are scattered. It seems like destruction and just not pleasant. The facial expressions of the men’s faces that I can see are kind of deviant but worried. It seems like the farthest one away made a mistake. The one closest is smirking. I just don’t like the way it looked. If you see the description from my app and also read what I wrote last night. It makes total sense. I was carrying all this anger into today. I know that’s not healthy and that’s not something that I do anymore. I was feeling stupid and used and did not want to be another fucking joke!

So I didn’t stand for it and I wanted to change my outlook for the day. What I love about tarot is you can seek what you want. If you need more clarification, all you have to do is ask! So for my next card...

I love the cups suit. I feel like that’s most representative of me. I felt that it brought me to focusing on myself and my home and my surroundings. There were two cups, two people, and I spent the day with Abbi and we did some crafts and hung out. I’m not longer dwelling on things. Jordan was fucking stupid and he needs help and he keeps denying the help we try to give him so he can fucking do it himself and his way. I have my own shit to worry about. Overall today was good. I am feeling the wrestlessness creep back in, though.

[love-isaresult]

April 17: I forgot I bought this fucking tarot app.

I got the Page of Swords reversed. I was kind of on edge because I had a zoom meeting scheduled with friends and someone who I have been unclear about since we blurred the line of friendship or more. Here’s what I wrote this morning: the man on the card looks ready for battle - but it’s reversed. So I’m guessing it means the opposite. He stands alone looking determined. I am facing a potentially awkward situation tonight. So maybe this is me, not prepared? The handbook: authority, overseeing, secret service, vigilance, spying, examination, the qualities thereto belonging. AND REVERSED: more evil side of these qualities, what is unforeseen, and unprepared state, sickness is also intimated.

OKAY. So what had happened was. Today I had a meeting with teachers and students about various things. It was an emotional day in that regard. I had some really good deep talks with Abbi. I did help her with some financial aid stuff. And tonight, I had a zoom party with high school friends. And Jordan was there. And he started this fucking weird relationship between us that I just can’t shake. I don’t know what to do about it. We have hooked up a couple times and he said things to me thay I can’t erase from my head. And I don’t want to be the stereotypical old person who is just desperate to be with someone. But he said things like he would be with me and he always thought about being with me and he just doesn’t think that’s the place he’s in. Then, he goes to rehab after fucking up on Valentine’s Day. He can’t stop talking about, thinking about, or talking to his ex girlfriend. Tonight he tells us how much he loves her. And I’m just like, FUCK YOU DUDE. Why did you even say those things to me??? Like you had no reason to bring that shit up - no, now it feels like you MADE THAT SHIT UP. And I just look and feel like a big fucking loser because I actually believed it and considered it. I feel so fucking stupid. And it’s just another point in the column that every man on this fucking planet is a fucking idiot and what is their fucking point.

I might be too upset tonight to reflect on this.

[love-isaresult]

April 16: The Final Judgement Reversed

Well I’m assuming this means I will not be judged or judging people - quite literally. There is one person looking down from the sky and everyone rejoicing beneath. But, since this is reversed, everyone is on a level playing field? This is a major arcana care so maybe it will be a major day. Handbook states weakness, pusillaninaily, simplicity, and also deliberation, decision, sentence.

What actually happened today: I woke up and showered, attempted the whipped coffee trend, did some work on the computer, planned lessons for a few more days and then I was pretty much done working. I started looking again for nintendo switches and they were all sold out. I’m not sure if this is what it means by weakness in the handbook? But I ended up buying an iPad because I have been thinking about it a lot, I am looking for a way th be productive and i felt it was a more mature purchase than a video game console. So, that’s weakness because I was going to wait to see if I needed to do anything to my car. I still have half of my stim check but it would be nice to save it. I didn’t feel like any this else other than having a fun day bonding and laughing with my cousin happened. I’m dreading a call with my boss tomorrow. She is very narcissistic and doesn’t do well with communication. We will see what the cards say for tomorrow. 😅

[love-isaresult]

April 15: This is the card I pulled this morning. My initial reaction was that the person is struggling to carry the 5 swords in their hands, but because it’s inverted for me, that means the opposite. I am not struggling to carry something. The handbook states that the inverted 7 of swords means good advice, counsel, instruction, slander, babbling. I think I participated in all of those things today!!

What really happened: my ex boyfriend had a package sent to my house - for himself. I initially thought that he just clicked through too fast and this was the first thing he ordered from this website since he moved out. I was definitely nervous that I was going to have a forced encounter with him. So I tried to get rid of it as quickly as I could. I tried getting in touch with the company, with Fedex, and got nowhere. So I drove it to a Fedex location and said this was delivered but he does not live at my address, they took it, end of story. He calls my dad in the middle of their diner and he leaves a voicemail explaining there was a “mix up at fed ex”. Um, no, you put your previous address on there yourself.

Now, I could have flipped out and let this crush me. Or, I could have acted before I thought it through and opened a whole can of worms. But, that has not been my behavior this whole time - going through the break up and the year after. Completely non-confrontational and removed from it. I think it’s easy for me to do that because I was the one who wanted to break up - even though he acted like he didn’t even like me for 2 months leading up to it. So anyways, I was very surprised that the “good advice” was from me, to me. I am not struggling with the break up. I mean, will I have trust issues for the rest of my life causing me to be single until I die? Sure. But I’m not struggling with the loss of him. That’s not what I carry with me.

I helped a friend by playing tech support over the phone and did my fair amount of shit talking. Over all, this day definitely related to that card.

[love-isaresult]

I really need to get back in the tarot groove. I want to draw a card each morning and reflect on it, go about my day, and then journal about it at the end of the day.

But since it’s 11pm, and I’m just now committing to being recommitted, here’s a card that just fell out while I was absentmindedly shuffling and thinking.

This card really represents my life right now. It is the 6 of cups. I feel like the four cups down below are my siblings (that I see most frequently) and my parents, I have a cup for myself, and I’m hanging a cup to my cousin who has come to live with me for the time being. I always talk about how my cup is empty, I’m spread so thin, I can’t keep up - but right now, even thought the actual situation of the Covid 19 pandemic is very bad, I have felt like I actually have enough time in the day to do what I need to do and my cup is full in that regard. There are a million ways I could make this negative. But, I’m going to use this card to look at my situation as positive.

I really feel that tarot should be used to clarify what is already happening, or reveal something that has already happened. And, maybe, give you some preparation to handle what will happen in the future. But I know this isn’t a prediction method. At least I don’t believe I will ever use it in that way.

Everything I read or everything I listen to has said to bind with tarot in what ever way is natural. And it is not meant to predict the future. It is meant to give further clarification so that you are prepared for what will happen.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to getting serious.

[love-isaresult]

I knew this would happen.

I am in my house that feels more like a cave because it is where I retreat. And, now that my cousin will be here, more people are interested in me and what I’m doing and possibly even coming here more. My dad has actually showed up to help me with projects that were his idea. My mom wanted to come over to bring stuff for her. And, this is all I usually want, people to visit me. To feel like, for a change, I am receiving rather than giving all the time. To admit that makes me feel gross. So when I’m in the middle of working really hard to make sure my house is in the best shape for Abbi, my mom, who was supposed to stop by today, just says, can you just come here and get this stuff for her? And this enrages me even more! She can’t be bothered to do what she wanted to do in the first place!

And now I’m like, okay, I’m mad when no one gives to shits about what I’m up to and my life and visiting me, I’m mad that now because someone ELSE is now on the scene, I have to do all this work to make sure it’s fit for everyone else, and I’m mad that people will eventually change their mind and still not want to step foot in my place anyway!

I wish I knew why I was so sensitive about this. I wish I understood the deeper reason to why these things that seem so minor make me feel so hurt.

[love-isaresult]

clearing out my boxes.

Holy mama has this quarantine made me crazy. 

I have a list of things I need to write down and address. I don’t want to write this by hand in my journal. I don’t want to just type this on my school computer and save it somewhere. So my fake astrology and tarot blog will hold these thoughts for me. I need to touch on work, personal life, (non existent) love life, and just my own thoughts in my head towards myself about all of this. 

Work: So we are going to try doing school online as much as possible for the next two weeks. I feel that it is highly likely that we will be out for the rest of the year, and that just breaks my mother fucking heart so much. This has been so frustrating because I know, truly, that there is nothing we can do about this situation we are in with the covid19 virus, but I am having a hard time accepting it. I just got off the phone with Jordan who talked to me about his time in rehab and how acceptance has become a huge thing for him. Accepting the things he cannot change. (More on that later). So I am feeling really overwhelmed by the work we now have to do to come up with an online and a paper version of our curriculum for at least the next two weeks - but the other teachers are saying, you might as well do the rest of the year. What does that even look like? It isn’t even like a traditional cyber class because we can’t give our kids books or anything. We would have to photocopy everything! I know I will start to chip away at this tomorrow and it will be fine. but for right now, I just shut my computer after the online meeting and laid down and watched two movies. Me laying here and watching TWO movies and NOT falling asleep - that is a big deal. You know I’m preoccupied if that’s how we’re living. So that’s going on. I’m freaked out. This is weird. I am so worried about what life looks like for these kids next year or the rest of this year. Like, in the meeting today we were talking about a list of what these kids will be missing as they start their next year of school and I keep thinking to myself - WHAT ABOUT THE SENIORS?! A lot of people have given up on some of the older kids - and I guess I shouldn’t really look down on them for this because they are with them every day and see the little effort they are putting in, and I’m sure I would be frustrated too. But I love them like family, some of them, and I worry about them, and with this big gap, I just hope they are understanding why it is important to put in effort while they are on their own right now. I have been getting feedback from my students and so many of them are like, “I never will stay home from school again. I hate this!” It’s really rough right now. Okay, so, overwhelmed with all this newness and stuff. 

Personal (family): My aunt’s family has been in shambles since she died. My uncle has now let their house go into foreclosure. My family has been there a few times to help him move into his mother’s house. Right now, it’s just my uncle and my cousin Marc living at that house. When I was there, he would not help with anything. He laid down because he said he felt sick. My dad has been back a few times and he just says he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet. It is really fucking sad. I get it. It has been 5 years and he has not got the help he needs to be strong and put back together so he can move on. I would like to say that the kids were old enough to manage on their own, but they really weren’t. Abbi was in 10th grade and Marc was a senior. He just really has not risen to this challenge that life threw at him, but my family has been as supportive as possible and it has helped the kinds - I think. Anyways, with everything shutting down right now, Abbi has to come home from college. She is in Tennessee, so that means that someone has to go get her and move all of her stuff. Both years my dad has been the one that has moved her back and forth. When we went down to clean our their house, we ended bringing all of Abbi’s stuff to my house since I had some storage space in the shed. So, now that she is leaving school for the rest of the year, she needs a place to go and she said she doesn’t want to go back to her hometown. So, long story short, she’s going to come live with me. I am not worried about this at all, let me just preface that. I am just feeling this pressure - and I don’t know why!! Like, I am really really self conscious about my house, and I think that’s what is weighing on me. Like I have to finally get my ass in gear and clean it up like I have been saying I want to and need to. I guess it goes back to Jordan and acceptance. I am so sick, after 31 years, of having to do this shit by myself. And, that is something that is not going to magically change when I wake up one day, so I need to accept it. And I need to accept that this is the way life will be and if I can accept that, then anything else will just seem like a bonus. I do think it will be kind of weird, and my insecurity comes in and is like, “she will hate it, she will think it’s boring, she will wish she wasn’t here.” Like what is this bullshit that is coming up like I can’t believe anyone and what they say. 

Which brings me to

Love Life: I talked to Jordan on the phone tonight - didn’t talk anything about us. And, as of right now, I am letting that dream die. Like, fully have to let it die. ACCEPTANCE and anything else will be bonus. We talked for about an hour and it sounds like rehab went really well and he’s in a really good place. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fishing for how things are in regards to how he feels about me. And, that’s totally not fair because he is doing something I cannot do which is focus on himself. But, then he did bring up Kelsey. He said that he knows nothing can happen right now, but they still talk and he said he had a lot of dreams about her when he was in rehab. Anyways... I just need to stop. I need to make a conscious effort to stop. And A C C E P T what I can’t change :) It just fuggin sucks man. Like I am tired of not knowing what is so fucking off putting about me that I cant get anyone to be interested.

so.. the negativity is at an all time high. Feeling very out of control. Need to work on acceptance. I look to tarot and astrology to help me understand why my life is the way that it is, but I need help with taking the reins and making my life what I want it to be. 

[love-isaresult]

I’m feeling very lost and sad and confused right now in self quarantine. I decided to get my tarot stuff out for guidance. I sat here thinking and setting my intention: what does today look like? Where do I go from here?

I pulled the 8 of pentacles reversed. And here’s what it means. Great.

[love-isaresult]

Today is a day I am so unfocused and distracted because I feel like the weight of the world is on my chest. Do others feel this? I’m assuming yes. I’m just thinking about my friends and the shit they go through and how I feel like my life is so hard and stressful and it could be so much worse and how I take it for granted. I have been scrolling on my phone for way too long reading shit about how teachers have so much work to do all the fucking time. Yet, here I am wasting the time I have in the evening to do all the work I need to do to make sure my lessons are ready and my shit is graded. I keep beating myself up because I want to challenge my kids in the way they deserve and have them keep producing work but I can’t keep up with grading it because there aren’t enough hours in the day. But when I spend an hour at night trying to unwind by being on my phone or watching tv I feel guilty but it spirals into more time not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

I don’t know who to talk to about all of this thought spiral shit because I’m too old to be acting like this. My mom would say I need to go back to therapy. She’s right. But I haven’t called a dentist for the fucking bullshit that my tooth is doing that is actually a big problem, so of course I haven’t called about going back to therapy. I fucking hate how I am.

I was trying to find some answers/peace about shit so I was trying to get back into astrology and tarot yesterday and it just gave me all this (what I think is false) hope about things getting better but I feel like that makes me crazy too. Like it said all this stuff about love and starting a new relationship and I felt like that could have been happening if the other person wasn’t shut away for 30 days. And then my head is like, oh you’re making something out of nothing. That was nothing and how can you even think it was something if it was *pre rehab*. I don’t think I will ever believe anything anyone tells me ever again. Not even what I tell myself. I don’t know how to trust anyone or anything.

[love-isaresult]

Questions about a new love situation... Tarot card layout with four cards about a new love interest relationship connection thing.

The first card is the four of pentacles and it is meant to represent the physical connection. This cards description says, the surety of possessions cleaving to that which one has, gifts, legacy, inheritance.

The second card is the reversed the hermit card and this is meant to represent the mental connection between the two. The description of the card as it’s reversed is, concealment, disguise, policy, fear, unreasoned caution.

The third card is meant to represent the spiritual and emotional connection. And for this card I have the night of wands. The night of wands is described as having the meaning of departure, absence, flight, immigration. A dark young man, friendly. Change of residence.

The last card. This fourth card is meant to represent long term potential. For this card I got the eight of swords reversed. This is described as a woman, bound and hoodwinked, with swords of the card about her. That is the description of the image. What it means as reverse is disquiet, difficulty, opposition, accident, treachery, the unforeseen, fatality.

Yikes. So I think that overall this is a sign that I should either not pursue this or to not take it to seriously because it won’t work long term. I think the last card is telling me that this could ruin our friendship if I pursue. The reason I’m feeling that way is that I don’t trust myself. I think I get too wound up and will ruin it to a point where we wouldn’t be able to be friends or it would end something else. It just seems too damaging. I don’t know how to reach out after what happened last night and what was said. The thing is I want it to work. But I think I just want something to fucking work. I really don’t know how to make sense of what is going on and I wish I could find anything that seems like... something I can understand or see some kind of answer.

[heatherheatherheatherandmaiya]