My eldest sister always emphasizes on having realistic expectations especially regarding marriage. I didn't use to understand before (considering the generation who have romanticized relationships and marriage so much that I'm from) but now I am slowly getting it. i was casually having a discussion earlier with my sisters and this thing came up & one thing that particularly stuck with me was that she said, "there's a lot of healing that one needs to do before marriage, a lot of it". It's not that I didn't knew it before but hearing it from her reminded me of how we keep living in a false reality that our wounds will be miraculously healed somehow by someone else, who we often think will be our spouse. This not only ends up building an unrealistic pressure on your spouse but also always ends up with you being disappointed and hurt even more than before. Because you put the load on someone else which wasn't their's to carry, to begin with, and when they are unable to deliver those results you end up being disillusioned with marriage as a whole. We grow up dreaming about things we see in movies and novels not realising how damaging they can be to us later down the line. Know how you want your relationship to be by all means, but do not measure it with fictitious works... there is no perfect woman or man breathing right now, if there are, they are all only pretending. Marriage is not a romantic movie or a novel. There will be boring and mundane days, and a lot of them. Your marriage should be based on the understanding that we are two different individuals and both respecting that individuality. marriage should be done knowing that your happiness is not dependent on the other and that you're two complete beings, coming together only to complement eachother. Understand that marriage is not an escape from your traumas or difficulties. It comes with its own set of responsibilities. I am not saying marriage can't be beautiful but it can be beautiful only when there's a shared understanding of things. You are complete as you are. A soulmate is only meant to complement you. That is why we (as a man or a woman) should not make , at any point of our lives, the center of our existence anything except our creator ânot marriage, not kids, not the house, not your job. Be content where you are in your life. Grow, heal, have standards, know your value and also your flaws, and work on them, build yourself, have goals, be capable enough to stand yourself... better yourself each day, but do it for yourself and with the intention to please Allah. And then when He deems it fit for you to meet someone, you will meet them as your healthiest self, seeing things from a different perspective, not from a place of vulnerability. You will know what you're looking for. You will not then be chasing happiness somewhere else or in someone else because it would be within you, no matter where you are, at whatever stage in your life. The sense of fulfillment that you are looking for? It does not come from someone else, it only comes from your relationship with yourself and with your Lord. What makes a marriage good mainly, I believe, is respect, honesty, understanding, and compatibility. Those are the things to look for.
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