The Breakdown:...Nobody's "sorry"
Today they’re going to take my uncle off of life support. A few days ago he went into cardiac arrest & they had to resuscitate him twice. The doctors said that he’s completely brain dead, so the family has decided to take him off. This saddens me for many reasons.
I’m NOT sad about his death because he will be in a better place. I’m sad about how the family is going to handle it. My mom was her brother’s keeper, and she suffers from severe anxiety attacks, which she takes medicine for. I wish I could be there for her. My grandmother loves her son & hates that she has outlived, yet, another one of her children. The last time she tried to take her own life because it was hard for her to deal with. Not to mention his wife and kids. I can’t imagine trading places with them, right now.
He was a good man. A MANLY man. He fought for our country in the U.S. Army. He was shot 7 times in the Vietnam War. After the military he would have flashbacks that scared his family. But he was a GREAT man. A good husband to his wife, and a good father to his kids. He was a provider. He reminds me of my dad a lot. He had a purpose driven life, and he served it well.
We all need a time for tears. Not for the one who is at peace in heaven, but for ourselves as we realize that things will never be the same. We all need time to just… BE. When we open ourselves to God and let the reassurance of his everlasting love start to heal our broken hearts.
I go through so much in my personal life, but I hold it all in. My parents don’t know. Not even my best friend knows all that I go through. I just prefer not to bother people with my problems. It’s not like they can help me with them or change anything. “Sorry to hear that” doesn’t fix anything. “I’m here if you need me” doesn’t change what’s happening. I APPRECIATE those kind words, but I don’t need nobody’s “sorry”. I don’t want anybody “feeling sorry” for me. Are they genuine anyway, or is it just the appropriate thing to say? They know that there’s nothing they can do or say to fix anything, so why ruin someone else’s good day with my sob stories? Maybe that’s why I don’t care to hear about anybody else’s problems or sad stories because I have enough shit of my own to deal with. You actually have to mentally “get sad” in order to “feel bad” for someone. I don’t want to do it, and I don’t want to cause that for other people.
That’s why a good old friend of mine calls me Sunshine. He said I always have a smile on my face that shines light onto other people’s darkness. If there’s ever anything wrong with me, he’s never known it. Someone also told me that I pick her up, when her wings forget how to fly. I’m glad that I can be all of these things for other people. But I AM TIRED.. I need a break.
Somehow, every day I wake up in an AWESOME mood. Maybe it’s because I feel like “today will be better than yesterday”… and I get excited for that.
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