the best mythology professor
In honor of the end of the semester, allow me to introduce my definitely-a-cryptid Classical Mythology professor, who has Einstein hair and who I’ll call Dr. F.
“If you can see the ground outside, and I am not here, assume I am dead. Find my body, give me a proper burial, and then avenge my death.”
“Don’t be a dick about knowing stuff. If you know things, and you are a dick about the fact that you know things, you are my enemy.”
[referring to Apollo] “He’s always the guy who shows up and is like ‘let’s play Wonderwall.’”
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Zeus wasn’t real. There never was a Zeus.”
“You live this life, and then you can earn the Superlife.”
“Have you heard of our lord and savior Poseidon? He’s really terrible.”
“It’s like in Star Wars. Use the Force. Use the Athena lying power.”
“Today I’m going to tell you about a modern poet. His name is Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy.”
*goes to conferences where they only speak Latin*
“Even the sneezes tell us this is gonna happen.”
“Odysseus is like a super-liar, he’s a meta-liar.”
[talking about Odysseus being born] “As soon as he yeeted out.”
“I’m a big fan of toddlers. They’re hilarious assholes.”
“That’s Mercury, not Hermes. Always sketchy.”
“That’s why dogs don’t die in most movies, because most movies are written by dogs.”
“Aphrodite’s like, ‘Suck it up and get in bed, bitch.’”
*describes The Aeneid as “thicc”*
“My whole life is a trick.”
“If you’re a baby, and you’re reading the Aeneid, you say things like, ‘This is just bad Homer fanfiction,’ or, you say, ‘This is just a bunch of propaganda.’ Babies say that.”
“Babies freaking love Homer.”
*makes us vote between Selena Gomez and Coldplay with no context*
*context is that both of them have mythological references in their songs but Coldplay’s don’t make sense*
“Anything I pay attention to, I love.”
“The earth is sad and it can’t do anything productive.”
“I not only teach y’all weird-ass shit, I research weirder-ass shit.”
“These confusing words tell us what we should do politically.”
*has us find out our fortune for the day by opening The Aeneid randomly and reading the first line we see*
“These are bad entrails, not good entrails.”
“We haven’t done enough chanting in this class.”
“I’ve had enough of this shit. I’m so done with this fucking semester.”
“I consider all the squirrels in the world my pets because I love them.”
“I’m not a talented person, that’s why I’m a teacher.”
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