jane

love letters from jane

[lovelettersfromjane]

The Dream I'm Still Grieving

I’ve always wanted to work in the field of my degree. I didn’t spend years studying civil engineering just to throw it all away. I had dreams. I had plans. I had this clear picture of who I wanted to be. Sometimes it feels like that version of me died before I even got the chance to meet her.

I didn’t talk to anyone for six months. I disappeared on purpose because I couldn’t handle the noise, the pressure, the expectations, the fear and the silent shame I feel whenever I think about my family. I wasn’t just lowkey, I was barely surviving. And even now, after all this time, I’m still not healed. I’m still picking up pieces of myself that I’m not sure even fit anymore.

I wake up every damn day carrying the same heaviness, the same questions, the same ache that never really goes away. And now I’m stuck in a job that looks nothing like my degree. A job I never dreamed of. A job that constantly reminds me of everything I lost, everything I couldn’t become, everything I had to run away from because, at that time, I felt like I didn’t have any other choice.

That’s why I pushed myself so hard in this job. I tried to be good at it, not because I loved it, but because I hoped that maybe, just for a moment, I could forget the job I actually wanted. I hoped I could somehow forget the dream of being an engineer, even if that dream still hurts every time I think about it.

Every time CELE board exams come around, every time results are released, I smile for the people who passed. I’m proud and I’m genuinely happy for them. But inside? It breaks and it sinks me in. Because my heart whispers all the questions I try so hard to silence:

What if I worked in the field I studied for?

What if I didn't lose myself in 2023?

What if I didn't waste so much time fighting battles no one sees?

What if my life actually went the way I planned?

Those “what ifs” hurt more than anyone will ever understand. Those thoughts haunt me. They remind me of everything I lost, not just opportunities, but parts of myself I still haven’t gotten back.

People judge, people talk, people assume, but not one of them knows how heavy it feels to watch your own dreams drift away while you’re still trying to recover from wounds you never asked for or, like my life hasn’t been a battle I never asked to fight. You have no idea what it feels like to keep fighting for a life you never chose, like everything has been a battle you were forced into, one you never wanted to fight in the first place.

So if anyone has something to say about the degree I graduated, or why I’m not pursuing it, keep it to yourself. Don’t act like you know my battles. Don’t talk to me like my story is something simple you can comment on or throw opinions at me when you don’t even know the version of me that died in 2023.

I lost pieces of myself that I’m still trying to find. I’m healing wounds I never deserved. I’m surviving days I never expected to face.

And that alone… already took everything I had.

[lovelettersfromjane]

From Street Eats to Scenic Peaks: My Dumaguete and Valencia Adventure

I booked a flight to Dumaguete on December 25, 2022, for a passport appointment. Unfortunately, the president declared December 26 as a regular holiday, so my appointment was cancelled. To make the most of our time and money, we decided to explore some of the city's famous attractions and dine at the one its best restaurants .

In the afternoon, we strolled around Aquino Freedom Park, which was conveniently located just across our accommodation. After taking plenty of photos, we hailed a tricycle to Rizal Boulevard. The driver dropped us off near the street food kiosks. I can’t remember exactly how much I spent on the street food, but I can say it was super lami—especially the sauce for the tempura, fishballs, kikiam, and kwek-kwek. I didn’t grow up eating street food because my mother once warned me in high school that it might upset my stomach. But honestly, eating street food in Dumaguete was the best!

A short walk from the boulevard brought us to Starbucks. I ordered mango mousse cake, a Java Chip Frappuccino for Ate Che, and my favorite—Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew. We stayed there for about 30 minutes before heading back to Aquino Freedom Park for dinner. For dinner, we kept it simple with chicken barbecue, hotdogs, and isaw. After finishing our meal, we returned to the hotel and went to sleep

The next day, we woke up early to begin our day of exploration in Valencia. We rode a tricycle to the jeepney terminal bound for Valencia. We were the first passengers to arrive, while the driver was still fixing some parts of his jeepney. We waited for a few minutes until it was full, then traveled for less than 30 minutes before arriving at the town plaza.

We bought some fried chicken and rice for breakfast nearby. After eating, I asked the vendor if she knew someone who could give us a tour around Valencia. Luckily, she did! She approached a motorcycle driver and asked if he could take us on a tour, and he agreed. He quoted ₱300 for three destinations: Sulfur Vent, Red Rock Hot Spring, and Pulangbato Twin Falls. Of course, we accepted—it was the cheapest option.

Our first stop was Pulangbato Twin Falls, where we enjoyed taking photos. We didn’t swim, though, because it was raining heavily and we hadn’t brought extra clothes. We stayed for about 20 minutes before moving on.

Next was Red Rock Hot Spring. By the time we arrived, the rain had stopped, but the place was crowded with people enjoying the springs. We only visited to admire the mountain view and the spring’s unique rusty color, staying for about two minutes without taking photos due to the crowd.

Our final stop was the Sulfur Vent, also called Smokey Mountain. This was my favorite of the three. Despite its strong but bearable smell, the sight of volcanic gases emanating from the Earth’s crust was fascinating.

After our tour, we rode back to Valencia and asked the driver to drop us off at Valencia Public Plaza. We looked around for nearby restaurants but didn’t find any that caught our attention, so we decided to have lunch at Sans Rival Bistro. The bistro offered great value for money and definitely wouldn’t break the bank.

Overall, our trip to Dumaguete and Valencia was an unexpected adventure that turned a cancelled appointment into a memorable journey. From the bustling street food stalls of Rizal Boulevard to the serene beauty of Pulangbato Twin Falls, and the unique sights of Red Rock Hot Spring and the Sulfur Vent, every moment was filled with discovery and delight. The warmth of the locals, the delicious food, and the stunning landscapes made this trip truly unforgettable. Dumaguete and Valencia proved that sometimes the best experiences come from simply exploring, being curious, and embracing the unexpected.

[lovelettersfromjane]

How Do I Know When I'm In Love?

There's no definite way to tell when and how you fall in love. It just happens. Lately, I ponder to this question from time to time: "Am I in love? Is this true or just some sort of infatuation?"

So, how do I exactly know when I'm in love? Is it when I think of him all the time?

Well, I caught myself thinking of him during my lazy afternoons or cold midnights. His face just shows up in my thoughts out of the blue. I can't keep myself smiling of the crazy things we did and even the mundane things too.

I can't help but enjoy looking at him all the time when he shares something personal about him. I love to listen to every story he shares. I'm interested in knowing more about him. I'm indeed happy when I'm with him. I hope he doesn't find me boring at all, because I feel like I haven't contributed much to those conversations.

To be continued...

[lovelettersfromjane]

"Sometimes you fall for someone you didn't expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?"

[lovelettersfromjane]

All I wish for you is to find love with someone else.

[lovelettersfromjane]

In moments like this, I wish my mom was here with me so she could comfort me in every pain that I have in my heart right now. I miss you, mama.

[lovelettersfromjane]

I'm so stupid to think that maybe we had a chance so I lowered my standards for you. I didn’t want to admit you were wrong for me. I always say that I don’t want someone else in my life because there's "you".

But,

I'm tired of chasing.

I'm tired of waiting for a love that never comes.

So again,

I'll never beg for the bare minimum.

Because,

I deserve more than the bare minimum.

Love,

Jane ♡

[lovelettersfromjane]

My First in Almost Everything: An Open Letter to the Man I’m Letting Go

Hi, I don't know why I'm writing this but here's me again — expressing my sadness through writing.

I'm not sure if this will ever reach you, because God knows I'll probably never speak to you again, or maybe even see you again. For the past few months, I’ve been struggling, constantly thinking about everything between us. So, I decided to write this letter instead.

I want to start by asking how you’ve been. How was your New Year celebration with your family? I didn't message you on New Year's Eve — not because I was busy or didn’t want to greet you, but because I'm trying to stay away from you and forget you completely.

This year, I decided to forget you, forget us and forget everything we shared. I knew from the beginning that this would not last and that what we had was only temporary. But, as time passed, I kept falling harder and harder.

I'm hurt. It kills me that every place in this city reminds me of you — of us — and of all the happy little moments we shared last year. I tried to forget you when I left the city and flew to Dumaguete & Bacolod, but I can't stop thinking of you. I still think of you often —multiple times a day, to be exact. I still reread our old conversations. It’s bittersweet seeing those messages and those photos you sent.

I can't tell my friends or everyone the right answer when they ask why I choose you. All I can say is, it’s always been you. You were the first man who asked me out for lunch or dinner that I never ditched. You were my first kiss, my first touch, my first embrace, my first heartbreak— and the only man I entertained for almost 2 years. I kept myself not to fall in love with you again, knowing that one day you would leave. But, with you, it was impossible — every smile, every touch, every word pulled me back in, and I found myself falling harder, despite knowing the heartbreak that awaited me.

I will never regret getting too attached to you. I hope you understand that I will never regret meeting you — or what we had. I’ll never look back and close my eyes to our counted memories. I will never wish you didn’t exist or that we hadn’t met.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the cute kiss emoji that'll always make me smile and feel kilig. Thank you for giving me hope on the night of the 23rd of December at Circa, when you told me to just take my shot at the April CE Board and confidently say that I can do it and that I can pass the board exam. Thank you for the best life lessons, for the unforgettable memories. Please know that you’ll always hold a very special place in my heart.

Please always take care of yourself. Don't drive too fast. Don't drink too much beer. Don't overwork yourself. Take your medicine right away when you have a cold or cough or when you're not feeling well.

I wish you always the best in life. You deserve nothing less than genuine happiness.

Love,

Jane ♡

P.s. I’m done hurting myself for you. I'll try harder this time to finally move on...

[lovelettersfromjane]

THE RUINS

[lovelettersfromjane]

ART DISTRICT

[lovelettersfromjane]

Finding Myself in the City of Smiles: My Solo Trip to Bacolod

I’ve always wanted to try solo travel — that mix of freedom, quiet, and a little bit of adventure that comes with exploring a new place on your own. After spending a few days in Dumaguete, I decided to continue my little adventure and head to Bacolod City, the famous City of Smiles. I didn’t have a strict plan, just a backpack, a curious heart, and a hunger for new experiences.

I woke up early and caught a bus to Bacolod around 8 AM. The ride took about seven hours — long, yes, but there’s something oddly peaceful about long bus trips, watching the countryside pass by and having time just for your thoughts. I finally arrived around 3 PM, a little tired but excited.

After a quick rest and shower around 4 PM, I headed out to the Art District. I took one of Bacolod’s modern, air-conditioned, and eco-friendly jeepneys — what locals call an e-jeep (similar to what we have in Cebu). The jeep was full, but I was lucky: a young man offered me his seat. I thanked him, feeling a little shy, and even considered offering a free fare in return. Small gestures like that always make travel feel more human.

When I arrived at the Art District, I grabbed a quick snack: takoyaki with squid from one of the stalls inside. Hot, savory, and perfectly satisfying, it was just what I needed to recharge before exploring the colorful murals and creative vibe of the area.

Next, I made my way to Manokan Country, a must-visit food haven for anyone coming to Bacolod. My goal is to try Aida’s famous chicken inasal, said to be one of the best in the city, along with some isaw on the side. The smoky aroma coming from the grills instantly made me hungry — and true enough, Aida’s chicken inasal did not disappoint! It was juicy, flavorful, and perfectly grilled — every bite tasted like Bacolod itself. The isaw was also deliciously charred and seasoned just right. It was the perfect local dinner to end my first evening in the City of Smiles.

After that, I made a quick detour to BongBong’s for pasalubong. I grabbed some piaya, biscocho, and napoleones to bring home. Not only were they delicious, but it also felt good to carry a piece of Bacolod back with me.

By the time I got back to The Suites, it was evening. I showered, relaxed in my cozy room, and reflected on the day. It had been simple, but perfect — just the kind of first evening I hoped for.

The next morning, I enjoyed breakfast at the hotel — they offered a free breakfast, which was a nice, simple way to start the day. Afterward, I headed to The Ruins, one of Bacolod’s most iconic spots. Seeing the mansion in person was truly magical — its grand columns and romantic, almost haunting charm make it unforgettable.

I stopped by the café on site and treated myself to truffle pasta, a slice of chocolate cake, and a Spanish latte. Honestly, it might have been one of the best meals of the trip. Sitting there, sipping my coffee and soaking in the atmosphere, I felt completely content and this is exactly what travel is about.

After a few hours at The Ruins, it was time to head back to the hotel, pack my things, and make my way to the airport. Walking through the streets one last time, I couldn’t help but smile at the memories I’d collected — the food, the sights, the quiet moments of reflection.

Bacolod, you lived up to your name: City of Smiles.

[lovelettersfromjane]

If there's one wish left for me before I die, I wanna spend the day fucking and moaning until I run out of breath.

[lovelettersfromjane]

I feel so happy looking at you,

being able to talk to you.

But it always brings

a quiet to my heart —

because I can't tell you

I love you.

[lovelettersfromjane]

Maybe you're the reason I wake up every day smiling — staring at my phone waiting for your late reply.

Your delicate smile melts my heart; I can’t forget the things we did last night.

[lovelettersfromjane]

Remember the night we first met?

Staring at each other,

as if we've known each other for years.

[lovelettersfromjane]

I find myself staring at the ceiling again. In the dark. Where it's quiet enough to hear my hear heart breaking.

I try not to cry too loud. The walls don't need to know. The night doesn't need to listen.

I try not to think of you— but you're everywhere.

You're in the air I breathe, the spaces between my fingers, the silence between songs.

Every corner of this room. still remembers you. The bed. The light. The smell. Everything does, except you.

I fucking miss you.

Not in a pretty way. Not in a poetic way. In a desperate, shaking can't - breathe kind of way.

I miss you so much it hurts to even say it out loud.

And God— I just want to see you again. Just once. Even it breaks me all over again.

[lovelettersfromjane]

I lost myself again. I lost myself to a guy whom I thought will be my biggest support in life. The walls I've been protecting for so long, he ferociously breaks in such a short time. I hide this fucking pain from everyone. But, I don't think I can bear it anymore.