The Space You Left Here In My Bed Waits For You @lovelyinvincible - Tumblr Blog

I just woke up from my afternoon nap, still feeling sluggish, then I realized I did a lot of work today.

I exercised for almost an hour, cleaned the house, did the laundry, and did my corporate job from 6 am to 3 pm. Now, I am awake, still finding things to do even when my body is desperately asking for a breather.

I got so used to keeping my hours occupied with a lot of work. I've developed severe procrastination, and I pile a list of tasks for the day, then squeeze in more work in between. I think this kind is better than the not-so-good latter. But I in direly need a rest. I'm supposed to make an entry on my journal, but my hands couldn't take a grip anymore lol. I'm doing content for my business as I write this.

Tomorrow, I've got things planned already. I wish to tick everything off during the day, so I can have time to enjoy the night. Plus, I'm having my sister stay for the rest of next week. I may not have time to do by then. Next week is going to be merely more on the non-physical stuff. Damn. It's one of those days when I wish I had wine in my stash.

I extended my waking hours to past midnight, and my brain is still functioning. It keeps on storming out ideas as topics for the next months, and it's covering me until December. I can only pray and hope that my spontaneity and plans coincide without contradicting each other. Can you two meet half-way?

So much for gibberish, my reflexes are out of control. My hands are shaking. It's time to rest now or not.

The Truman Show Tried to Warn Us

Thanks for the reminder

First of all, fuck the Philippine government for being incompetent, selfish, and insensitive bullies. While other countries have returned to their usual operations, my country is nowhere near any sign of improvement.

My hunger for productivity has led me to a lot of different things, good and bad. During the previous months of lockdown, I managed to keep up and almost finish a good series, which I put the last few episodes on hold just because I don't like to end it just yet. I did rearrange my apartment more than twice since lockdown, and I bought sets of furniture. I was able to write more on both of my bullet and digital journal. Surprisingly, I reconnected with my friends from Highschool, but then I lost too many special people in my life. One died due to CoVid. One was a cancer patient, a woman who had nothing but love and kindness for people. Another was someone who had discarded me like I am of no use anymore, someone who never really took my care and concern as help. I quickly picked up the clues shown to me. Moving on, I got new plants from my mom, and they are thriving. To keep me away from doing unnecessary stuff, I read a lot of books and painted on canvases. Still, I bought way too much stuff online. I finally have started putting my ideas to work, a project I seriously want to put out even before the pandemic happened.

There are rare instances when you thank the gods that some things didn't go as planned, and working on this project is one of them. Grateful for the people who continue to keep in touch despite the circumstances of today's world. Support means a lot, especially when it's your time of needing it. I'm still surprised by my spontaneity, that I had to consider putting my socials off hiatus. Whatever happens, I'll trust my instincts. There's nothing to lose, and I can't afford any more regrets.

Oh Hello, August.

Don't flatter yourself

I accomplished my tasks this day. I was able to think about a lot of concepts today for some family and friends. I couldn't sleep yet. My mind is still thinking of things to do. I cleaned the house, attended online training which was long overdue, finally figured out some subjects for the art I will do.

Still in quarantine, because there's no cure for Coronavirus yet. Tonight, it rained, and the wind blows cold air through our window. My indoor plants are swaying while I enjoy listening to OPM music and watching apartment tour videos. Supposedly, I wanted to write in my journal, but my hands grew tired writing during my training sesh. There are a lot of tasks hanging on my to-do list.

I may be getting used to staying indoors, no frequent nightmares. Last night I dreamed about a friend saying she's sorry. At least she said it even if it's just in my dream. The 5-minute meditation before sleeping worked. There's this app I downloaded called, Moodspace and it helped me sleep soundly.

I don't know what to expect in the coming days. I grew tired of getting furious, blaming people, wishing we could have done better, it's draining my energy. Although I react and comment on posts about the current situation, I only allow a few minutes of frustration, proceed on doing productive things, or allow myself to breathe.

June is about to end in a few days. We are nearing towards the 3rd quarter of the year, indoors.

I'm thankful for:

The rain tonight

I ticked off all the tasks of the day

My croton is happy and swaying

I saw my baby nephew's photos

My family and friends finding ways to do what they love and earn from it

For my boyfriend who's stuck with me for the rest of his life

My family is safe

I lived through the day.

Looking for a temporary fix, isn't going to certainly fix the problem

An advice You can Give Yourself

Grateful

To practice it, and feel something good about waking up, I try to be thankful despite having so much nonsense in my head. I am grateful I got to open my eyes today and do what I have to do.

Thankful I have a job that pays the bills, a cool boss and a great company. Thankfully I work at home, not worrying about the internet connection.

The sun is up today. It showed love to my dying plant, which I am grateful.

My hair is growing so fast. Gratefully, I never have to worry about how I can look styling it in different ways.

Thankfully, I no longer experience dysmenorrhea. Yesterday, it felt so uneasy working around the house with the pain I was feeling.

And Thank God it's Friday! Thank you for giving me another day to live, I know I have so much to do even if I do not know most of it, at least You still want me to continue.

Regrets

As I write today, there are so many things that I wish I didn't do. What would I be if my choices were different? What would I be if I didn't settle? Would I be the same person if my take on things were not the same as now?

I am doing work at the moment, at home sitting comfortably on a swivel chair, listening to a Lofi hip hop mix. I took a short break to write about inappropriate thoughts. I have all these questions in my head, which may pop randomly, and today it did.

I pretty much question my choices most of the time, although every time I do it, I pretty much let the choices I make sink in and accept the reality that everything I do isn't just my doing but the way I am wired to this world. That in life, choices are given, inevitable, and I can only choose one. Only A, B, C there's no none of the above and explain your answer. Or can there be? Can we rewrite the choices which we think are better for us?

#so me

Learn. Learn. Learn

For such a long time, I kept on searching for myself, looking for what I want to do with my life. I kept on looking for my worth, what I deserve, and asking myself what else life has to offer me. I looked past what I already have.

When I was feeding my curiosity, tumbling down, feeling like I got everything under control like I can take it all, you stood by me, picked me up, and soothe the pain. You made me feel as if nothing was ever affecting you. You were there when the world was against me.

You suffered in silence when I thought all was alright.

#so you

I like to keep distant from my relatives. I may enjoy get-togethers, but having to see and socialize with them is mentally exhausting. They can be fun to be around at times, but they ridicule and belittle our family a lot. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but how my parents depended on my relatives for financial support is off-putting.

Most of the people in our lives are insensitive to the ideas, things, or words that make us insecure. This day, I received a degrading statement from someone so close to my heart, and the person knows me too well that I value what I do, and yet managed to say hurtful words. At least I know what not to tell you because I damn well know enough it will not improve anything in your life. Hell, you can just shut up if you can't pick on the right words. What's even worse, the person was justifying why what was said didn't mean it's about me. The exact words were, "Why don't you throw away those paintings? They're trash anyway."

I already lost interest in showing you anything I cherish doing.

I hope you won't hear anything like the ones you told me, and I hope you realize the passion people pour on something before you call it trash.

Doll house

This day was just like any other day. I got my dining set delivered at home. I couldn't help but see my younger self in me who was playing by herself most of the time. Before my relatives renovated the house at our backyard, it used to be my sanctuary. My playhouse was a real vacant house back then. It was my refuge whenever I feel like running away from home. I used to improvise scraps and pretend they were something else, like a plastic container made into a sink, blankets either turned into curtains or carpets. I remember picking up election banners and cover the skeletal partitions of the wall. I may not have a treehouse, neither a playhouse bought somewhere, but I had a whole empty house. Even back then, my subconscious has been dreaming about this phase in my life.

Now that I am older, I'm pretty sure I made my little self proud and happy. I am still that young girl, dreaming about this day. When I thought I never did anything grand for myself, this day made something grand come true.

It's been two years since I made an "adult" decision to move out of my parents' house. Although I currently live in a rental space, I am grateful for all the things I learned living alone, co-living with relatives, my friends, strangers, and living with Ken. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family and friends back from my childhood home, and long to be with them. Even when I'm away, I make it to a point to be present in moments when I need to be. I still have commitments as a daughter, as a sister, and as a family relative. But also, I like the feeling of wanting to see people after a long time of being apart, the long tight hugs, the catching up conversation, and, of course, seeing the nostalgia of different memories embodying a person.

In the Philippines, it's somehow financially challenging and culturally taboo to be living away from your parents until you get married. I have to disclaim that not everyone wants to move away from their parent's house, neither allowed by people and their situation. But we all have our reasons.

But, Dear self,

For years, I haven't acknowledged you enough for all the work you do, and people may not see it, understand it, nor accept it, now I do. Thank you for always pulling me out of unnecessary situations. Thank you for all the years you have never given up. Struggling in life is part of the task given to you in this world, yet here you are always finding something in situations. You know, when you're losing it, you also know how to get it together.

Happy two years of moving out, my dear self, you are making it on your own. Continue progressing and living how you want to, trust your guts, enjoy the process, in any hurdle find wit, never not learn from your mistakes, commit to the good things in life. You may not be the best of anything, even so, you are trying to be a better version of yourself. You have my love.

Where’s the good in your changed behavior?

PMS is kicking in

Trying not to talk to anyone because my emotions are unstable at the moment. So I gave myself time to cry listening to Novo Amor. Thank God I clicked the suggestion.

We are like a somebody

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The Space You Left Here In My Bed Waits For You