A series of sleep paralysi that made me see, feel, and think that there may be other dimensions/realities that we are typically unaware of, or, rather, unattuned to.
Head vibrating and I saw blotchy dark sequences in my vision around my room.
Occasionally I'll tell myself the end is near. I'm not sure what it means.
I guess it has to do as a result of my bank account declining and having no plans for my future. My two thoughts have been schmeekly forest or my parents. Neither feels quite fitting for my soul. Though of the two, I lean towards the former.
I tried to kiss her yesterday. It was wrong. And she was right for not accepting it. I was vulnerable.
It hurts to imagine her and him having sex and doing all those things together that once felt so sacred between her and I. Thinking about the way her body moved in bed with me, but now with him, pains me. The sounds she made with me.. Now making all the same with him.
I must not think of such things.
I can only wish the best for them.
I cant even imagine that we'd be fit for each other even now. Especially because of where I am. Though perhaps to me the kiss wasn't a proposition for us and the future. It just felt like it would have been nice and right for the moment. Perhaps as a sorry. Or maybe even as just a gesture between two loving, hurt, human, and understanding friends. And that could have been just it.
I spend a lot of time sitting in my room, staring out the window. I think alot. Listen primarily to somber music. I'm not sure if it's self-pity. I dont believe so. I'm just lost. Probably depressed. I dont feel my worth. I feel like I'm constantly losing something. It's been this way for a long time.
Times feel a little better when I venture outside. And it's those times when occasionally I feel that maybe nature is a place I need to reside.
But it seems to only be a vice.
Because I end up in my room again, typically before night, to lay down and put forth effort in clearing my head to fall asleep, so I can do it all again tomorrow.
Just moving forward to a time that feels like a deadline; an end: what happens when my money runs out. I guess.
But even all these feelings and thoughts will pass. This day will pass. Just like all the others that got lost and blurred together in time. Just like all my other days and thoughts and notes and feelings and ideas. They all wash from the sandy shores of reality back into the ocean of stoicism, hope, lostness.
I long for the wild. To lay in it peacefully, forever. But unfortunately I always come to the conclusion that this will not suffice. This is primarily due to food and climate.
My soul and mind does not mesh with this modern economic life.
As with many things, wanting to slip into nature is just another foolish desire, brought to life by an ideation of a reality that will pass by just like the hours spent inside of the white walls of my room.
Nothing will be as you wish.
But perhaps this is all just pessimistic.
But I've been through it all. Tearing through myself to buy and find things that might fulfill me, only to set them aside just as fast as I had acquired them.
janainaart
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
2087
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