Lucas*, 27, has been in a relationship with Viviane*, 23, for a year and a half. When he meets her, he doesn't know she's a transgender girl. We met them, each in turn, so that they could tell us how they invented their sexuality.
Lucas: When Viviane tells me that she is a transgender girl, I tell myself that she is making fun of me. We are on vacation at the same place. Our apartments are close, I spot her earlier in the week and I have a kind of flash for her. One evening, we meet in the same bar, I get closer to her because I feel like she likes me. So when she tells me that, I think it's wrong and that she's just trying to get rid of me.
Viviane: I started my transition five years ago. I have always had an androgynous physique and I am lucky to have a good passing. I take hormones and I have a chest. I have never had gender dysphoria, that is, I have no disgust for my penis. In my sexual relations with boys, I have always been in a passive position. Let's say that I use my anus and that I am more reluctant to have my penis touched. I think that to feel more legitimate as a girl, I don't necessarily want my penis to come into the crosshairs. However, what I have in my panties has no impact on my social life. I live my life as a young woman.
Lucas: When I realize it's true, it makes me weird, I'm not going to say the opposite. I have never been attracted to men or transgender people, even in my hidden fantasies. Only there, I have in front of me a beautiful girl with a sublime body, a chest, I have hard to believe her. We kiss. I would go a little further with her at that time, but she refuses. The holidays are ending.
Once back home, we exchange. Then I'm clumsy. I don't know anything about transidentity issues. We don't live very far from each other, so we decide to see each other again. There is no doubt: I like her a lot... I have in a corner of my head the fact that she has a penis, but anyway, she is a girl, and she is a crush. The first time we sleep together, I have no idea how it will go. But one thing is certain: out of the question that she penetrates me.
Viviane: The first night, I have a little apprehension because I like it and I tell myself that we can potentially get into a relationship. I wear beautiful lingerie. During the whole report, I keep my panties. This time and the next. I take pleasure, and I think, without being too wrong, that he too.
Lucas: In the end, I act as if his penis did not exist. It happens that I realize that she's banding. It's a little disturbing, but since I'm having sex with a beautiful girl, I don't pay attention to it. It was finally me who later proposed to him to take off his panties. She is my girlfriend, I want to see her naked. I am surprised by the size of his penis. Since you can't see anything when she's dressed or in panties, I thought she had a small penis, and actually no. Little by little, I start to caress her, masturbate her. It's weird, it's the first time I masturbate a penis actually, but it doesn't cut off my pleasure.
Viviane: One day, he gives me a blowjob. I'm surprised and I like it to be spontaneous. It wasn't something taboo between us, but it's not a subject we talk about very often either. I didn't realize he could be interested.
Lucas: When I suck it, a part of my brain says to itself: "Fuck, what am I doing?" She ejaculates, it bothers her. I don't, it's just the sperm of the woman I love. It's a little weird as a sentence, but it's reality.
Another night, I lose my virginity. It's been in my head for some time, but I didn't necessarily tell her because I don't know how she's going to take it. I don't want it to disturb the fact that she feels legitimate as a girl. That night, I let my hand drag on his penis. I feel his erection getting bigger. I put my buttocks against her, I take off my underpants to tell her that the way is clear. We put a little lubricant and that's it. That's good. The next day, I wake up with a slight pain, but that's having a well-mounted girlfriend.
Viviane: This is the first time I cum in him. When it was time to ejaculate, I still wondered if he would enjoy having sperm in his anus. My fear was that it would call into question our roles, and on the contrary, it reinforces me in the idea that I do not want to have surgery. I am a woman with a penis, and since it is here, I might as well use it.
Lucas: She is still my wife and I am her man. If I had been told a year and a half ago that I was going to get caught from behind by my girlfriend and that I was going to like it, I would never have believed it. This is possible thanks to our complicity.
* These first names have been changed.
Article published in NEON magazine in February-March 2021
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