Lovesick-frog

I am gay and no longer in love. I am big sad though so I might continue this means of expelling my thoughts from my brain. This isn't a serious blog, it's just a place for me to share my pent up feelings with someone other than my notes app, in a place where my identity is secret so even if those I know irl do fine me, they won't know who I am :)) Pronouns: he/they

[lovesick-frog]

So. You're aromantic. I wish I could say I'm happy for you. I wish I could say that I am truly happy that you know a little more about yourself,but the truth is I can't. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me selfish? You'd hate me if you knew, so I'll put on a smile and pretend that everything's okay. Pretend that I'm not in pain, fighting back tears. I am happy for you, but not for me. I know you can't help it, but neither can I. I know that in a way I wished for this. I wished that I could know what you truly thought of me, I wished that I could have some sort of closure. But I also wished you'd fall in love with me. I wished so many times, so why did no one listen? Why am I destined to be single forever? Why am I destined to constantly fall for those I can't have? Those who don't want me. I want you to hold me. I want you to kiss me and hold my hand. To hug me when I'm feeling down, to keep me safe. I suppose you can do most of those things whilst still remaining friends with me, but it's not the same. It doesn't have the same level of intimacy love does. Am I unlovable? Does everyone just hate me? I hate myself. I should be happy. I should be glad you're happy. I'm not. I'm despicable. I hate myself. So much.

[lovesick-frog]

Today I came so close to telling you. I walked you to your bus in the rain and you let me hold a single umbrella over our heads to keep us dry. I was so prepared to tell you when we set out, or at least to drop hints. I said one thing and then my mind took over. What if you reject me? What if you hate me? What if you tell me that we're only friends? What if we can't even be friends anymore? I truly think that would break me and I dread to think what I'd do to myself then. I'd rather keep myself as stable as possible.

I told our closest shared friend about my feelings for you, and she says that I should tell you. They say you're happiest around me. I hope that's true. I fear it isn't. They tried her best to comfort me and, in the end, she did, in a way. It was refreshing talking to them, but now I feel in even more turmoil than before. If I'm your favourite out of all of us, what does that mean? Dare I dream that perhaps these feelings are reciprocated? Or are we just friends? Am I simply the friend that you're happiest around? If I tell you I'm in love with you, will that betray your trust in me and ruin that perception you have of me? Will you no longer want to be as close? I wish I knew. I wish.

[lovesick-frog]

If hanahaki disease was real, I'd be coughing up more flowers than words. I think I'd be half way to the grave by now. If that were the case, would I still refuse to tell you? You're one of my closest friends, would I risk that for the sake of life, or would I choose death to preserve our friendship to the end? I know I wouldn't take the surgery. To me there is nothing worse than losing my memories of you. I may wish I had no feelings for you, but I'd never wish to forget. I'd sooner choke to death on flowers and mildew, spreading through my body, making me cold. Perhaps I'd welcome the pain. It can't be worse than the heartache I feel right now. I wish you'd walk up to me tomorrow and tell me you love me. I wish you'd love me how I love you. I wish I wasn't always so unlucky.

[lovesick-frog]

You tell me "you know you love me really". But what if I did? Huh? What if your stupid fucking eye contact thing worked?? What if I am in love with you?? How would you feel then? How would you react? Would you love me back? Would you pull me close and kiss my forehead and let me snuggle up to you like I dream of? Or would you reject me? Would you tell me you don't see me that way, that I'm creepy for thinking that you're the most beautiful person on this planet and for dreaming of spending the rest of my life with you? Would you hate me? I would. I'm revolting. I only ever fall for those I can't have. My friends who I can't have. Who falls in love with their friends?? Me. I do. I hate it. I hate you. I hate you so much. I love you so much.

[lovesick-frog]

But you're so fucking dumb and I hate you so much and why do I feel this way around you? Why why why!!!?? Why can't we just be friends?? Why aren't I content with that? With what we have at the moment?? It's perfectly fine, why do I want more? Why do I always ruin things? Why. I want to touch your face, I want to hold your hand for more than 5 seconds, I want to lean against you, I want you to hug me when I'm feeling down, I want to kiss you, I want to feel your lips on mine, I want to fall asleep in your arms, I want to cook things for you, I want to give you a thousand gifts, I love you, I want you to love me. I'd do anything, so why won't you love me back???

[lovesick-frog]

My other friends shower me in love and praise. Compliments, telling me how amazing they think I am. Their words feel empty. One insult from you is worth a thousand of their compliments, and one compliment is worth a million. You tell me I'm stupid and I bite back with a vicious retort, feeling fuzzy inside. You tell me I'm cute and I mock you, feeling as though I could simply float away. I'm worthless, but your words give me meaning. They may be negative, but I mean something to someone. To you. It's nice when others tell me I'm pretty, but when you do it it makes me clam up. I don't know how to respond, so I laugh. I tell you you're wrong. I tell you you're deluded. That you're clearly not thinking straight. I tell you this for my sake. If I didn't, I'd be overcome with emotions. I'd be sat there stuttering and blushing like a little child caught by their first crush.

[lovesick-frog]

They say that you know it's more than a crush if they change their hair and you still think they're cute. You could change anything, and I'd still feel the same. I'm not even sure what it is that I like about you. I hate to admit, but you're not stunningly beautiful. You're just right. You don't have an outstanding personality. In fact, mostly you're just annoying. There are plenty of times when I question why I feel this blush rising to my cheeks when you come near me. You bring me comfort, in a way. I suppose. I can never identify the selling point. You just feel... right. I've had crushes before, but not like this. Each time it's been looks, or personality; some defining feature that attracts me to them. With you I have none of that. You just feel like home. I'd follow you anywhere, as long as you wanted me there. If only this silent, constant yearning would disappear. If only I saw you as a friend. If only you saw me as more than a friend. If only. I wish. If only.

[lovesick-frog]

I tell myself we'll probably lose touch after college. I tell myself that I'll follow wherever you go. I tell myself that I'll go my own way. That I'll forget about you. I lie to myself every day.

You draw hearts on my hand and I tell you they look bad. Then you'll draw more. If I can trick my brain into thinking you love me then maybe I'll be happy for a while. Maybe my aching heart will ease. But do I want that? Do I want to be happy based on these lies that I tell myself? In the end, all those hearts do is bring me pain. I think a part of me welcomes that pain, now familiar. The pink cloud of love, spiked with razorblades.

You ask if I love you. I answer with feigned horror, as though I can't think of anything worse. I then daydream about a world where I can answer with the truth. Where I can tell you that yes, I do. I am. I'm in love with you. I dream of this world where you know I'm not joking. You know I mean it. This will never happen. I wish it would. I wish it could.

[lovesick-frog]

You write stupid little notes in the margin of my notebook, calling me names, telling me words you don't really mean. I do the same. You draw silly things on my hand that I laugh at and tell you they're ugly. I tell you I hate you. This is a lie. I'll never tell you how much of a lie it is.

You'll never know how, when you touch my face, I blush inside. You'll never know how I wish I could close that distance between us. How I wish you weren't joking when you do that. How, when you ask me "do you want to kiss me?" I answer honestly. I do want to kiss you. I can deny it all I want, but deep down I know that I do. I know that I wish I could tell you. I wish you'd listen. I wish you'd feel the same. I wish, I wish, I wish. I know you don't.

How many wishes does a person have to make before their wish can come true? How many times do I have to wish for this before I can confidently tell you. I love you.

[lovesick-frog]

You're soft and warm and comfortable.

Now, when I sleep, I imagine I'm falling asleep next to you, resting my head against you, just like I did the other day. I imagine that you have your arm around me, keeping me safe.

I like it when you tell me I'm an idiot. When you call me names and tease me. I know you don't mean it when you say you don't like me, but I'm also painfully aware of the truth: you do like me because we're friends. Nothing more.

I wish you'd see me in a different light. I wish you hadn't had bad experiences in the past, scaring you away from relationships. I'd do nothing to hurt you. If you would only tell me that you feel this way too. If I could only tell you how my heart beats faster when you're around. How you make it flutter like a caged bird when you touch my hand. How you light up my world, no matter how dumb you can be. My favourite beautiful, idiotic person. You're so stupid. I love you so much.