John Mulaney Sentence Starters
NEW IN TOWN
â Â I was hoping that by now I would look older. â
â Â I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. â
â Â Looks like regular sand, but then youâre gonna start to sink into it. â
â Â Thatâs pure mom. â
â Â Luckily, I had a good alibi. â
â Â Itâs a grid system, mother fucker. â
â Â Of the racial slurs, that has got to be the laziest. â
â Â Before I went through puberty I had the voice of a little flute. â
â Â No one knows what youâre talking about you idiot. â
â Â You will treat me with respect! â
â Â I am a tiger mom. â
â Â First off, no. â
â Â Midgets were never enslaved! Unless you count the Wonka Factory. â
â Â Youâre gonna have to get used to that. â
â Â Yeah, you got it, man. â
â Â It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. â
â Â Oh, good, it has a mind of its own. â
â Â Itâs really easy not to go to things. â
â Â That you would do anything is totally remarkable. â
â Â The less amount of time you live the better. â
â Â I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. â
â Â I have girlfriend and sheâs a female person. â
â Â Go, fetch! â
â Â Life is a fucking nightmare. â
â Â Iâll keep all my emotions right here, and one day Iâll die. â
â Â What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? â
â Â Letâs go over there and destroy the place. â
â Â Fuck da police! â
â Â Iâve never climbed a fence that high before. â
â Â Did I do that? â
â Â Hey, come here. I want to show you something. â
â Â Why do you do this? â
â Â Iâm not gonna kill that guy. â
â Â Hey can you help me out? Iâm very gay. Iâd like a few dollars. â
â Â Yeah, thatâs the type of lowbrow shit iâm looking for. â
â Â It was a lie. To get drugs. â
THE COMEBACK KID
â Â I know how big letters should be. â
â Â You totally forgot the lesson you just learned. â
â Â Do not fuck with me. â
â Â Marriage is gonna be very magical. â
â Â I bet he did kill his wife. â
â Â I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. â
â Â Anyone whoâs seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. â
â Â Why would you marry a woman if sheâs already having sex with you? â
â Â If you just bought the cow nobody would say that anymore! â
â Â Itâs just a little bit wrong, isnât it? â
â Â What a mighty king I will be. â
â Â Itâs haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. â
â Â You donât deserve a beach house. â
â Â This is an on-fire garbage can. â
â Â I donât care for that shit at all. â
â Â Youâre never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. â
â Â No one wants to applaud the penis of a thirty-two-year-old weirdo. â
â Â You know how Iâm filled with rage? â
â Â So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. â
â Â This is the best movie idea Iâve ever heard in my life. â
â Â Kids have it very good now. â
â Â Doesnât anyone wanna know why his dick was near my biters in the first place? â
â Â How did he lose his arm? â
â Â Thatâs exactly what you wonât ask. â
â Â You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers. â
â Â Iâm just reading this Yellow Pages. â
â Â My dad loved us! He just didnât care about our general happiness or self-esteem. â
â Â McDonaldâs! McDonaldâs! McDonaldâs! McDonaldâs! â
â Â That is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. â
â Â How perfect is that? â
â Â Weâd rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else. â
â  AhâŚnumbers. The letters of math. â
â Â One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! â
â Â Donât you see? Iâm a duck now. â
â Â If you eat enough ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs. â
â Â Hey, man. I like your button. â














