lovestill-exists

Sometimes my hands, they don't feel like my own.

[lsleofskye]

Cherry blossoms are in full bloom | criss1016

[lovestill-exists]

I never want to feel this sorry for me again.

I wrote in this journal that I kept in the span of two years, and the gaps are already cringe worthy alone, but when I did write in it is when we had problems and then when we were "resolving them". The way I talked about me, about you, about us: extremely problematic. The most problematic was how accepting I was that this was it. This was my life now. Cos without you felt like failure. Without you felt like giving up on me.

I cannot stress enough how stupid that feeling was. And I overcompensated to make sure I'd never feel that way again.. but in turn, my defenses were high. My self worth was very lo. My perception of my own love, directed to anyone else, was not to be trusted or respected. Cos when I was with you, I didn't respect it or trust it. But I had to believe it just to stay in one piece. That hurt me every fucking day.

I didn't want to believe I needed to love anyone else to make it through my days. I didn't want to believe falling in love was falling into a bed of lies again. It was.. difficult to trust myself. And difficult to trust the next guy in my life. We were already having issues on communicating with each other, period. My situation did not assist with that..

I recently told all this to my mother, while I was home during her Birthday. I told her I didn't love myself and that living with Jordan helped me.. and destroyed me at the same time. Even now, if you asked me to say how horrible he was.. I can't do it. Mariam tried to assist me with that when I went to visit her in LA hahaha. She had nothing nice to say about him: even then, I couldn't say anything. All I could say was how he made me feel.

My mom made me promise her to give Justin an out. "You need to be honest: tell him with all this you're feeling, you should probably do it on your own. To avoid him resenting you. Cos that's not fair to him or you." And she was right. 💯 %

I told her I would do that. And walking into the apartment, seeing his face and although he was busy and I decided to bring up my stuff from home back into the apartment.. I was ready. I wanted to. I was too preoccupied with the sinking feeling, but surprised how excited I was to see him.. I wanted to get the place done up and couldn't because I was so late. I needed a shower. He needed to eat. I was so worried and he was tired and hungry and when he told me he was glad to see me, I wanted to melt. His stay from there on out was so nice, so wonderful.. I didn't even think about asking him.

I wonder if a small part of him resents me now, for getting him sick.. he indirectly says no, he doesn't fault anyone.. but if any of his roommates came back positive, maybe he'd change his mind.. it's such a shame. For a while there, I felt like the worst kind of person. Not only feeling stupid hanging out with my family who had it, but then bringing it to him, and threating it to his family.. then his roommates.. and not being able to work. This whole year was taking chances and our relationship was already a liability.. it didn't sit well with me after its finally coming to a head.

It could have been way worse, I think.

It could have never happened in the first place, I keep countering in my head. Fuck.

I'm not even going to start with how I've been feeling about being winded by walking down the street. My selfishness has been threatening to destroy me.

Instead, I've decided to think ahead and realize my next move. I need to leave this place. I need to actually follow up on my fuckin dreams. I need to realize that if I really don't get physically any better than this, this was on me. I will survive that and adjust my goals. I can still live in the desert. I can still maintenance my existence.

And then I can let him go if I must. I've accepted responsibility and I want to make things right if I can. And if letting me go is the right move for the both of us, I accept that. I don't want to live with resentment anymore.

And I refuse to feel sorry anymore for the things I've done from here on out. Once I accept how he feels about it all, I will find it inside myself to let go, learn from this and move on. I've put it off for far too long. It's time to see if I'm capable of my own damn dreams for once. And follow through.

And in the meantime, I can only take this season a day at a time. See where this takes me while I'm still here. Learn this lesson while I'm going through it. Accepting the things I cannot change. Strive to be better, cos then once I am, then I can allow others to love me. Then I can be accountable.

I will ask for forgiveness from you. And then from my family. Then from myself. Then

Then then then

Then I can leave and start again

[lovestill-exists]

how do you think being with you will change me?

if i thought i felt stupid before..

instead of spiraling on my realizing im only a grown version of my younger self, who has the same internal struggles and the only way ive remotely changed is my perception of myself and how i dont shy completely away from grown up responsibilities..

i decided to pull a question from the { } and dating edition box and answer it here, where i can be BRUTALLY honest. i should change this blog to honestystill-exists. not sure if anything else should..

to answer this, since im seeing someone.. i should answer as if he asked me. cos i mean, i think being with me in any sense should change anyone. but dating me? oh boy. i mean to change a lot. its my gold standard. whether it’ll be a good change or not is another thing entirely:

I try and make the goal for it to be a good change, but i know im human. i already know what ive done in this relationship hasnt been very helpful or positive in your experience. ive spent the first half of our relationship reserved and the other half trying to tell you why ive been reserved.

i have definitely opened up further since then, finally getting to the part of this relationship where if you really dont like who i am by this point, you can definitely change your mind at any moment here, and that would be so damn fair. i put myself on my own standards, and i dont even meet them most days. im supposed to feel better about that day in and day out with you, who’s just this.. really talented, fun person. who puts their own pressure to be that person all the time and i wish we could both relax most days. i think we were getting there. you know, i thought of you as someone way more responsible than you ended up being haha and its not a bad thing, but i sometimes think its because of me you feel that way. and i didnt want to be that for you.

i also dont want to be the reason why broken people shouldnt be trusted or given second chances with you. i know im broken. its been my most charming chip off my shoulder. but this last chip really took a chunk. how are you supposed to be charming with the chunk of your own self worth taken out? tragically. i should be more worried you’d have liked it. but no way you could have settled for that. even i know self loathing isnt fun if you really mean it.

what i should have admitted to you is that you seemed so sure of yourself, so secure with who you are, that was the biggest driving reason why i wanted to be close to you. thats what made me want to ask you out initially. so i could at least know someone who i could learn how to be so comfortable with myself. and in a way, that worked. thats whats changed about me. im ironically more sure that im a horrible human being who finds my own kindness to be more apprehensive and try hard than i hoped it would be, but i wouldnt have any other way. you sort of highlight it. i actually really like how contrast we are with each other. but youre also so surprisingly skeptical and dark.. its been the most wonderful discovery i have of you. you fascinate the fuck outta me and i actually love it

i hope i challenge you and your skepticism. i think my being around would make you realize there are a million more different things to pay attention to in the world. but i should be more self aware that i will make it seem like being more lazy is totally fine. i like cuddles. a lot. if i can have those even more, i think in turn id hope that promotes more mellowed moments, where i can still show you how much you mean to me, even though we’re not doing much at all. i like holding your hand, feeling you there, your arm around me, those small kisses on my cheek or forehead when you're near and you just want to fuckin do that, omg i absolutely ADORE it.

Mmm, what else. i hope i can also prove that you’re wonderful and enough on your own. that you dont need to prove yourself to anyone else. that you can feel comfortable with how you think and how you hold yourself when youre around your peers and coworkers. how you can believe in your own ability, because you work hard and you know so much. I think youre always so much more capable as your own person. and you should feel assured of that fact in every situation out there.

i hope i dont hurt you. youre made of some harder stuff then guys from my past. but i do seem to make a few hits in your guard i didnt realize were there. you surprise me. i hope im paying more attention to it. 

i still hope i can change a few things in your for the better, but hell. i have to get there for myself first. ive got a bit more time in this relationship, im sure

[lovestill-exists]

money

currency. that thing we chasing. i literally told a kid today that i needed to get a covid test so that i could eat tomorrow.

really, thats just an exaggeration though. To be honest, BrUTALLY so-- i am awful with the stuff.

I lost my wallet while running down the beach bed, flirting with the waves up to my ankles. the bitch stole it. ive been feeling that itch of something taking it the entire day. but what did i do? I pushed that sense out of the way, finding it really annoying. but it wasn’t wrong, was it? it never is

i felt like an idiot. especially when i was whispering wishes to the ocean, asking her about something completely different.. i trusted it was listening, answering my questions in its own, vague way the universe typically does.

instead, it swept up my wallet and gave me false hopes. im livid. genuinely mad

also, the job i took the covid test for isnt responding back to me. probably cos theyre on location and i was meant to look for a breakfast place for 40 people, but i didnt.. cos i told them i needed the address. “please send me the address to your location for tomorrow and i can get right on that” but nope. my hiring location scout told me a sad story instead over the phone, where she had awful reception and i couldn't hear half the words she said.. tried to tell her i couldnt hear her very well, that if she could quickly text me the information id need, then i can start doing my job.. but i doubt she heard me.

i called her again after getting back to my apartment to ask for that information

three hours later, she calls back but doesnt leave a voicemail

i call her back half an hour later and she answers, then hangs up.no call back.

and at this point, im not even mad if i dont work tomorrow. free covid test. ill get my results and have these days off again. I can make my doctor’s appointment.

will i be able to pay for the damn appointment. yes.

will it hurt to do it? only my ego..

I only have the foresight to be able to save a shitton of money if i need it.. call it a cautionary evil, quite necessary but.. its not as big of a basin as id like it to be. sometimes i wonder if im good at anything else.. make money on the side doing.. something else besides being a badass on set

cos set life isnt how it used to be. safe, that is.

I’m not above taking pictures of my feet, for instance.

but maybe.. i should look a lil deeper. I’m also not above working a 9-5 again

at least, until i find this thing im meant to be doing, besides rescuing dogs or something.. at least rescuing someone else, instead of someone rescuing me.

My boyfriend had enough foresight to lend me some money so i can get back home safely. i wasn’t even thinking about it. he mentioned how calm i seemed over losing my wallet, how no one could be blamed for going completely insane over it. but im used to it. how much worse does that sound?

Losing your wallet is losing your identity. your name. your address that isnt the one you reside at anymore but the one that felt closer to home in a long LONG time. your totem, the one your mother printed for you to assure that "abundance is always there for you". ha. my two debit cards.. probably my insurance card ive never used. a membership card for go karts in the bay area.. and 23 dollars.

what a loss. and at the same time.. i dont feel it as badly as i should.

like im lost. truly. like why dont i follow my inner instincts ushering me to just shut up and pay attention to it for once? i walked around, paid for things the entire day and everytime my wallet was in my hands, i had a sinking feeling of dread. that i need to keep it safe. and i felt stupid for feeling that way. so conflicted. money never meant so much to me. why was i worried.. was i overspending? was i depending on it too much? 

but now i just feel stupid i hadnt listened.. i do that all the damn time. i get a sense of something before it happens and i ignore it. im.. worst at listening to myself than my actual financial responsibilities.

i felt that stupidity every time i stopped at a gas station on the way back to my apartment from LA. The act of taking out cash and walking away from the pump inside to let the guy behind the counter authorize the transaction for me.. I only stopped twice.. the second place i stopped at, i convinced myself to stop simply cos i knew the place well and it would be the quickest stop id make on my trip. i kept second guessing my route back home solely as to whether id be making the right choice to go there.

it was at this gas station that a kid came up to me, mask no where on his face, but swearing he wasnt homeless.. just a lil scared. he needed gas to get home but his card was declined. asked me if i had any cash or if i could cash app him some money, just enough to get home.

I hesitated, thinking in the back of my mind if i was going to be alright to give him anything. i had no cards, no more cash than what i had to get home, and i still needed a covid test to get to, where i was unsure if id had to pay for it out of pocket. told him “Sorry, i dont have an iphone” and hes like “shit.. can i please ask you to pay for at least five dollars, you can stand by the pump-!”

“sorry, i lost my debit cards.. haha”

“oh shiiit.. hahaha..”

“yeah.. but i do have a bit of cash my dude. let me get it for you”

“Oh shit, really?? thank you so much!”

This kid, obviously young, a teenager, looked so relieved. cos the more i said something unhelpful, the more panicked he started to look. and i was gut punched by it. i was this kid, worried about his next paycheck, wondering why i was so bad at money, why i couldnt be responsible.

and im not trying to say that was his deal today, his card could have declined for any real reason. but i was that panicked once. its stupid to feel that way over something so.. fucking stupid. something that rules over everyone a little too much.. when we should really not be worried about our next meal, or when our next job will come. i handed him the cash, booked my covid test and booked it out of there. all so “i could eat tomorrow”

i use money to make things just a lil easier. i dont try too hard to be irresponsible. but definetly dont make myself too responsible either. its just habit otherwise, which could be the only thing keeping me afloat. but there is another lesson im missing too.. maybe still not money related. or if it is.. i clearly dont have the answer for it yet.

still learning that one

[aghartta-deactivated20150720]

What is coming is better than what is gone.

Unknown  (via fuckinq)

[lovestill-exists]

well

i got tired of my own writing so fast. you didnt know how to reach the words ileana, but damn it you struggled through and worked hard to believe the things you were saying. a lot of it was uncomfortably true.

a lot of it was wishing. wishing without any hope behind the things you needed to do to really change. change was easy if it was easy.. since it was so hard and the best writing felt like it stemmed from sadness, you were willing to go another few years to endure it for your art. for beauty.

but its not beautiful to hate you. hating myself has been the hardest thing to overcome. and im fucking impressive.. how did i fall on the other side of that pendulum? 

im still trying to make sense of what it means to care about myself. treat yoself, fuck the rest of the world, if he doesn’t love everything about you, dont settle, don’t compromise.. all of that didn’t help me in the net worth of my own worth. in fact, it really marred me.

i still think im tragic. i still dont believe love is enough. i dont believe its obtainable in any tangible way. i still dont plan to get married, have kids or even fall back on my brandon flower’s desert fantasy i made up back when i was 12, although out of that entire list, that one always seems the most attractive alternative i  could still aim for

i am still self deprecating. and hilarious. and a little sad.

but i feel better. a little bruised. a little battered. sometimes i still feel small. sometimes its okay.

boy, have i been tired for a very very long time.. i dont think i’ll stop. until i get home maybe.

and that definition has changed too.

are we in for some growth around here or what?

[lovestill-exists]

gutting a webpage is harder than gutting a physical journal.

maybe its pressing the delete button so many times. seems exhausting. at least a journal cant ask you constantly “are you sure you want to delete this content?”

[lovestill-exists]

does true love wait? or do you have to be fit enough to catch it?

[lovestill-exists]

ill have to remind myself to ask you what you thought of burn the witch

[a-new-hope-1975]

[lovestill-exists]

i want to be able to talk to you about everything under the sun. i want to talk about whether im making bad decisions on keeping my mother out of my life and keeping my mom closer. i want to talk about how much bullshit interstellar was but how incredible and mind blowing it would be if we were true. i want to talk about our past lives and how we'd live a hundred years from now. i want to talk about if god was real, how would we built her to be. if saul was right about how a kiss changes the world if we'd scare the three year old versions of ourselves if we'd met if time is truly irrelevant over the course of our heartbeats and staying up at night isn't the result of how terrifying these topics may be but because i dont want to stop talking to you about this because you make it less terrifying to hear it. im a product of my own demise. i hope one day i have the bravery to meet you soon.

[lovestill-exists]

so this is what it feels like to be at the lowest you can get

so much room down here. enough for all my mistakes. ill let them pile enough for me to leave them and climb back out,

but that’s what ive always done

nothing changes

to be free is to be conscious

is there anyone out there

[lovestill-exists]

i want to try and reject you so that you can move past it and see me like all the weird stuff i do isnt all to push you away, but to see how youd react to the real me. i do it persistently like i want to push you (away), when i only wish to push what parts of me cant you live with? maybe if you were the one, the answer would be one or two things things that are expendable. like how i curse at myself for simple fuckups or how i dont look around before I back up the car anymore. those i can change, with time i cannot change my art preferences. my music lifestyle. my need for space. my love for the horrorific. my family. my dreams and when i need you the most and youre not there. it hurts like me trying to tone me down, but a thousand times over, you asshole there has to be men made from stronger a metal than earth. youre solid but you can crumble. what the fuck was i thinking

[hatin-deactivated20140225]

[lovestill-exists]

im not even heartbroken over this

isn't that the worst of it all?

[lovestill-exists]

how could you not know

how can someone not feel the other person and know how they feel. even about you. i can remember the growing concerns of someone beginning to pity me and pray for me to become something they believed was healthy and sane. i can remember the very change in my lovers eyes once theyve stopped loving me. i can feel the repulsion from strangers gazes and the tension in a room of naysayers. i know the touch of someone who adores the very floor you step on. i know when smiles are forged and i know when kisses are genuine. i know even liars kinks and whether i reach another person deep in their mind rather than what they fake to process on the surface. i still wonder how there are people i know, as well as they know themselves, and have them not know these things about me. and sometimes im scared. because when i think about this sort of thing, i start to wonder and believe that no one will. that no one does anymore, for anyone. and how content must i be to live with this like everyone else. there's got to be more.

[lovestill-exists]

Birdland- Patti Smith