i want to end my last day being twenty-something with a short story about self-love because that’s how this decade started for me.
i was a very new twenty-something walking with my ex to target in DTLA on a saturday morning when i asked him who his top 5 favorite people were. his answer changed my life forever. the very first person he said was “me”. i remember looking at him like “ugh you are so arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed, what a turn off”. i remember him looking at me the same way at that moment when i told him he was so full of himself and he said “yes, i am” lol. i was taken aback by the entire conversation. first, i thought that was illegal somehow. we’re always taught to be modest and in that moment it seemed like he was anything but that. but then when i thought about it, his response left me feeling intimidated. he was 6′2 and i was 5′5 and i never noticed the height difference (people that know me know i think i’m tall in my head) but right then i felt very small standing next to him.
truth was, i really felt attacked and i didn’t like the fact that i wasn’t my favorite person. i didn’t know i could choose that. why didn't i think of that? i was almost a little envious of how much he loved himself and i didn’t know how to handle it. part of me felt like him loving himself took away from me somehow, too. i mean, he was my first favorite person and i was his second? that stung. but what hurt even worse was that i had hurt my own feelings and broken self-trust somehow and he kind of put that in my face without knowing it.
after i got over it, that night i went back to my ex and i said “thank you for showing me where my blind spot is, i'm going to work on that” and i dedicated myself to falling in love with me again. i wanted to love myself like i was a kid again. i worked on finding all fissures and fractures, removing all outside opinions i held on to, and gave myself all the patience and empathy i needed to find my way back to me.
it’s been a long journey since that day, and i am honestly thankful he was my partner during that time because he was so supportive of me coming into my own. he could’ve used that against me and kept me small to boost his ego, but he wanted me to shine and stand on my own. I had never met a man like that before him. he changed my standards of what i wanted in a partner. he left pretty big shoes to fill. even though we outgrew each other, i still owe him everything for that. he me how to love myself remorselessly.
one thing i’m learning is that when you live long enough you end up playing all the roles. now here i am safely in love with me. and i notice people looking at me the same way i looked at my ex that day. i can’t help but laugh because i remember what being your own hater feels like. if i could i would tell them, you will find your way back. one day you will know to remove everyone that made you feel small. one day you will realize self-love is the best love you could possibly attain. you’ll be your biggest fan. and one day you’ll teach people that it is okay to be their number one fan too.
ten years ago, i would’ve said “the work to maintain relationships is 50:50 because that’s fair”. today, i can admit that although this idea may work for others, it doesn’t work for me anymore.
and looking back, it never really did.
“50:50” in relationships are meant to feel like everyone is doing their part. like teamwork or relational communism. what it actually felt like for me, however, was a disappointing and stressful roller-coaster ride of emotions.
on my best days, keeping everything 50:50 left me resentful and saying “if i could do my part, why couldn’t he?” and on my worst days, i felt intense moments of shame because i couldn’t do my part and i felt maybe something was wrong with me. but most days, it left me feeling unsatisfied, discontent, and completely turned off by the concept of relationships altogether. the idea of the “50:50 relationship” also created this intense and irrational fear that i could end up with someone who might take advantage of me, or somehow not give me what was owed (expectations) further delaying any official commitments on my end.
so in typical fashion, i decided to challenge my perspective. here are some things i recognized to be true for me:
• i don’t see relationships as two people doing their separate halves the work, but as two people doing all the work together.
in regards to emotional, mental, spiritual, and intellectual work involved in relationship, doing all the work as a couple, together, that’s my definition of teamwork. i’m not interested in becoming the perfect half waiting for someone else to complete me. i’m interested in two whole human beings integrating and becoming an entirely different entity altogether. this isn’t possible to do, though, if i’m only doing half of the work.
• i only want love that is an offering.
i’m not a tit-for-tat person. i come from a family of extreme givers. if we gave each other money, or did a favor, we would never ask for anything in return. it was never “well i helped you the last three times and you helped me once”. the love and support was on an as-needed basis. no pressure. and we trusted that when it was our turn to lean on that person they would be there. and if it wasn’t possible for them to return the favor, that was okay too because the love given wasn’t a sacrifice. we didn’t deplete ourselves. and if by person or God, we trusted that we would be taken care regardless and that it would all come back to us. conversely, love based on the 50:50 rule feels like splitting rent with a roommate, or like going out to dinner with that friend that will cash app you forty-five cents because they didn’t order that extra sauce. i can’t enjoy someone’s company when we both feel the constant pressure to meet criteria based on roles that may not even apply to us. i want to love and be loved because it’s there to give.
• i don’t want the love i give or receive in my life to be fair; just authentic.
fair would be me asking everyone for five dollars. but some people don’t have five dollars; they only have two. does that automatically make them toxic? no. no one always has five dollars in life. it happens. maybe that’s all they could afford at the moment but it was still their all. and then there’s others who have $1,000 but because i only asked for five, i blocked an opportunity where they could’ve given me more in a way that i couldn’t even fathom. in relationships, some days i may have thirty to give and someone else may have seventy, or vice versa. either way, the expectation is not “i’m only doing this much and nothing more”. maybe fifty percent is the bare minimum for me to give and i’m capable of doing eighty-five in my sleep. who said fifty was the number?
true, unconditional love is never fair.
we come a Creator so perfect, magnificent and so abundant that we are constantly gifted with grace. grace sets the stage for unconditional love. what is grace? unmerited, unwarranted favor. feel those words. unmerited. unwarranted. the idea of “fair” completely contradicts the entire concept of unconditional love itself. fair would say: “you didn’t earn it”. grace would say: “you didn’t deserve it because my love is not based on deserving. i give because i have.” i don’t want to be on the other side of grace, because then i would be on the other side of God. my practice is to always be in aligned with God’s heart and integrity. when relationships are on the 50:50 model, there is no wiggle room or padding of understanding on the walls. it either is or it isn’t. did you pass or fail?
but when i really feel into it, i wonder…
if i can give seventy-five percent but i give fifty, who am i really doing the disservice to:
a. the person i embarrassed into overextending themselves because it wasn’t enough for me
b. or am i really doing myself the disservice by not allowing myself to act at full capacity because it’s not “fair” even though it requires more effort to hold back than to give my all?
some people just run faster than others. that’s not fair. that’s life. some people have a high-capacity to give and receive love at certain times of their life. that’s not fair either. and it’s not fair to blame others because my well runs deeper sometimes. love from others is a supplement, not a source. some of my discontent with others was just a manifestation of what was coming from within, telling me it’s time to fill myself up more. but that’s another story. i don’t want a love that makes sense. i want a love that’s honest. a love where instead of percentages or old gender standards, it’s just two people choosing to create a connection where they give their all to themselves, together. mmm. i like that. two people choosing to experience giving their all back to themselves, together. i think that’s the perfect way to end any story.
“the peace i have now was worth everything i lost.”
— diamond dorris, book as it comes
change can be traumatic; especially when everything changes at once. good or bad, there is a sense of instability and uncertainty. aspects of you will want things to go back to normal, even though you know that normal no longer exists. what made you happy before doesn’t fill you the same way. what made you passionate before doesn’t stir you quite the same. your fire burns different. it’s something not really acknowledged in discussions of change, loss, and the grief behind it. when we grieve we are not just in sorrow over the loss; we also mourn the loss of who we were before the loss. we grieve over our old identity, and what that identity was attached to.
loss cannot be prevented, avoided, or controlled. loved ones will leave this world for a new one. friends will drift apart. relationships will end. opportunities will be lost, mishandled, or blown. some events can cause you to lose your home, job, car, or make you feel you lost your passion and purpose.
i challenged myself to see loss from a different perspective. i wanted to shift the lens on loss in a way that didn’t leave me stuck in the past. so i began to write little notes to myself. here was what came to me—
1. loss presents an opportunity to reinvent your life and create a “new normal”. any kind of death is a rebirth for the people left behind. as we learn how to function in a world without the people or things that once made us feel safe, we are given the obscure opportunity to recreate our realities.
2. life is a cycle of feasts and famines. never take the process personally. everything we see, have, and lose is here to remind us that what really matters is within. trust the shift. trust what goes and what stays. loss is your reminder that whatever you lose cannot weaken or reduce the true essence of who you are. when you have nothing to lean on, the universe is reminding you that you are powerful on your own.
3. if the universe is guiding you to carry less, what you are about to receive requires more room in your life. do not confuse new beginnings for emptiness. everything can’t come with you where you’re going. this is an opportunity you may not have asked for or wanted, but it is exactly what you needed to grow.
because of loss, i will never be who i was a few years ago. loss taught me how to be wiser and more resilient, how to hear God’s voice in silence and noise, and that i can have my needs met without stepping out of alignment with God. i have a renewed level of awareness. my heart is filled to the brim with compassion. i’m a lot less ashamed of my feelings. i’m a lot more in love, too. i find myself unavailable to play the game of self-blame. it was in loss that i found my storehouse. that is both a miracle, and a testimony.
“today is the last day that i lament over the graves of all my failed expectations. farewell to all the dreams i held of how i thought my life was supposed to be. i’m calling you by name so we can both be set free. i want you to come home. i am worn out by my cries over your corpses. i cannot change what has happened but i offer the opportunity to give you the proper send-off. today is my last day breathing life into dead things. may my past live in peace and i enjoy life as it comes.”
to the doormat in me; you have the right to say no...
(note: this is the original version published march 21, 2017. the revised version can be found in my book as it comes available now on amazon in paperback and kindle.)
do not starve yourself to feed others out of fear of loneliness. serve you everyday. say “no” today. say it again. don’t waste time trying to figure out who feels what about you. you have the right to be the only person you live for. free up your time that was once full of commitments that didn’t honor you. the kind of love worth a favor is counterfeit. do not become bitter when you see the love you gave was not returned to you. continue to love with discernment. you have the right to boundaries that only abide by you, and cause no harm to others. make it a mantra for others to follow. fall in love with having a voice. now fall in love with hearing your voice. become your favorite sound. you have the right to love that won’t exploit you. there are people who are okay with you living for yourself. the love you seek flows freely within you. you have the right to please you. do what makes you smile. you have the right to relationships with those that you won’t ask you to pay with your life to love them. your love belongs where it’s appreciated most, not with the highest bidder.
to the manipulator in me; you have the right to engage in confrontations. you do not always have to concede to psychological warfare. allow people to know your wants, needs and desires in its most natural form— tell them. you do not have to live avoiding altercations. let that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach be a reminder of your release from feeling undeserving. you have the right to ask for what you want directly, confidently. you do not have to plant seeds, use power of suggestion, and create dramatic scenes acting out roles of victim & damsel to access the affection you long for. you have the right to be honest with yourself. you have a duty to remind people how you prefer to be loved. you have a duty to know what to tell people because you know yourself. you have a right to authenticity, and a life void of ulterior motives. you can be yourself and still receive what you need. you will never have to deceive, extort, or exploit others for your needs again because you know there is enough for you. you have the right to ask for more from others. you don’t have accept everything that is given. you have the right to be vulnerable. you have a right to be safe.
to the ugliest parts of me; you have the right to believe you're beautiful. you deserve to be showered with compliments. accept every kind word you receive without a counter argument. do not second-guess celebrations of yourself. bask in your moments of worship. you are glorious. we will never experience the unique frequency that is you, again. honor your rare existence. you are precious to me. be the best you there is. walk upright, and have compassion stored for the days that you don’t. you have the right to forgive yourself. the love you demand does not rely on successes and failures but on inherent self-worth. you are allowed to be imperfect, and you are allowed to receive love while imperfect. be proud of your work. there is healing in every mistake you made. they have a right to be seen so they can touch others. you are a picture best when complete. find beauty in your own right. join hands with the rest of your existence. i am not complete without you.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change my mind...
(note: this is the original version published march 20, 2017. the revised version can be found in my book as it comes available now on amazon in paperback and kindle.)
people may not use me as their emotional dump.
people may not attempt to make me feel less than them.
people may not gossip, lie in front of me, or ask me to lie.
people may not invade my space without permission.
people may not use my needs to control me.
people may not use me or my power to bring harm.
people may not be allowed to affect my mood.
people may not negotiate me.
i may not be dishonest with myself.
i may not please for approval.
i may not put down others to feel good.
i may not hold on to what doesn’t serve me.
i may not use my power to cause harm.
i may not settle.
i may not compare.
i may not neglect my gifts.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change my mind.
to protect my energy, it is okay to cancel a commitment.
to protect my energy, it is okay to take a day off.
to protect my energy, it is okay to not answer that call.
to protect my energy, it is okay to not share myself.
to protect my energy, it is okay to do nothing.
to protect my energy, it is okay to be alone.
to protect my energy, it is okay to sleep in.
to protect my energy, it is okay to speak up.
to protect my energy, it is okay to move on.
to protect my energy, it is okay to let go.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change.
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