i want to end my last day being twenty-something with a short story about self-love because thatās how this decade started for me.
i was a very new twenty-something walking with my ex to target in DTLA on a saturday morning when i asked him who his top 5 favorite people were. his answer changed my life forever. the very first person he said was āmeā. i remember looking at him like āugh you are so arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed, what a turn offā. i remember him looking at me the same way at that moment when i told him he was so full of himself and he said āyes, i amā lol. i was taken aback by the entire conversation. first, i thought that was illegal somehow. weāre always taught to be modest and in that moment it seemed like he was anything but that. but then when i thought about it, his response left me feeling intimidated. he was 6ā²2 and i was 5ā²5 and i never noticed the height difference (people that know me know i think iām tall in my head) but right then i felt very small standing next to him.
truth was, i really felt attacked and i didnāt like the fact that i wasnāt my favorite person. i didnāt know i could choose that. why didn't i think of that? i was almost a little envious of how much he loved himself and i didnāt know how to handle it. part of me felt like him loving himself took away from me somehow, too. i mean, he was my first favorite person and i was his second? that stung. but what hurt even worse was that i had hurt my own feelings and broken self-trust somehow and he kind of put that in my face without knowing it.
after i got over it, that night i went back to my ex and i said āthank you for showing me where my blind spot is, i'm going to work on thatā and i dedicated myself to falling in love with me again. i wanted to love myself like i was a kid again. i worked on finding all fissures and fractures, removing all outside opinions i held on to, and gave myself all the patience and empathy i needed to find my way back to me.
itās been a long journey since that day, and i am honestly thankful he was my partner during that time because he was so supportive of me coming into my own. he couldāve used that against me and kept me small to boost his ego, but he wanted me to shine and stand on my own. I had never met a man like that before him. he changed my standards of what i wanted in a partner. he left pretty big shoes to fill. even though we outgrew each other, i still owe him everything for that. he me how to love myself remorselessly.
one thing iām learning is that when you live long enough you end up playing all the roles. now here i am safely in love with me. and i notice people looking at me the same way i looked at my ex that day. i canāt help but laugh because i remember what being your own hater feels like. if i could i would tell them, you will find your way back. one day you will know to remove everyone that made you feel small. one day you will realize self-love is the best love you could possibly attain. youāll be your biggest fan. and one day youāll teach people that it is okay to be their number one fan too.
ten years ago,Ā iĀ wouldāve saidĀ āthe work to maintain relationships is 50:50Ā becauseĀ thatās fairā. today,Ā iĀ can admit that although this idea may work for others, it doesnāt work for me anymore.Ā
and looking back, it never really did. Ā
ā50:50ā in relationshipsĀ are meantĀ to feel like everyone is doing their part. like teamwork or relational communism. what it actually felt like for me, however, was a disappointing and stressful roller-coaster ride of emotions. Ā
on my best days, keeping everything 50:50 left me resentful and saying āifĀ iĀ could do my part, why couldnāt he?ā and on my worst days,Ā iĀ felt intense moments of shame becauseĀ iĀ couldnāt do my part andĀ iĀ felt maybe something was wrong with me. but most days, it left me feeling unsatisfied, discontent, and completely turned off by the concept of relationships altogether. the idea of the ā50:50 relationshipā also created this intense and irrational fear thatĀ iĀ could end up withĀ someone whoĀ might take advantage of me, or somehow not give me what was owedĀ (expectations) further delaying any official commitments on my end.Ā Ā
so in typical fashion,Ā iĀ decided to challenge my perspective. here are some thingsĀ iĀ recognizedĀ to beĀ true for me:Ā Ā Ā
Ā ā¢Ā iĀ donāt see relationships as two people doing their separate halves the work, but as two people doing all the work together.Ā
in regards to emotional, mental, spiritual, and intellectual work involved in relationship, doingĀ all theĀ work as a couple, together, thatās my definition of teamwork. iām not interested in becoming the perfect half waiting for someone else to complete me. iām interested in two whole human beings integrating and becoming an entirely different entity altogether. this isnāt possible to do, though, if iām only doing half of the work. Ā Ā
Ā ā¢Ā iĀ only want love that is an offering.
iām not a tit-for-tat person.Ā iĀ come from a family of extreme givers. if we gave each other money, or did a favor, we would never ask for anything in return. it was never āwellĀ iĀ helped you the last three times and you helped me onceā. the love and support was on an as-needed basis. no pressure. and we trusted that when it was our turn to lean on that person they would be there. and if it wasnāt possible for them to return the favor, that was okay too because the love given wasnāt a sacrifice. we didnāt deplete ourselves. and if by person or God, we trusted that we would be taken care regardless and that it would all come back to us. conversely, love based on the 50:50 rule feels like splitting rent with a roommate, or like going out to dinner with that friend that will cash app you forty-fiveĀ centsĀ because they didnāt order that extra sauce.Ā iĀ canāt enjoy someoneās company when we both feel the constant pressure to meet criteria based on roles that may not even apply to us.Ā i want to love and be loved because itās there to give. Ā Ā
Ā ā¢Ā iĀ donāt want the loveĀ iĀ give or receive in my lifeĀ to beĀ fair; just authentic.
fair would be me asking everyone for five dollars. but some people donāt have five dollars; they only have two. does that automatically make them toxic?Ā no. noĀ one always has five dollars in life. it happens. maybe thatās all they could afford at the moment but it was still their all. and then thereās others who have $1,000 but becauseĀ iĀ only asked for five,Ā iĀ blocked an opportunity where they couldāve given me more in a way thatĀ iĀ couldnāt even fathom. in relationships, some daysĀ iĀ may have thirty to give and someone else may have seventy, or vice versa. either way, the expectation is not āiām only doing this much and nothing moreā. maybe fifty percent is the bare minimum for me to give and iām capable of doing eighty-five in my sleep. who said fifty wasĀ the number? Ā
true, unconditional love is never fair.
we come a Creator so perfect, magnificent and so abundant that we are constantly gifted with grace. grace sets the stage for unconditional love. what is grace? unmerited, unwarranted favor. feel those words.Ā unmerited.Ā unwarranted. the idea of āfairā completely contradicts the entire concept of unconditional love itself. fair would say: āyou didnāt earn itā. grace would say: āyou didnāt deserve it because my love is not based on deserving.Ā iĀ give becauseĀ iĀ have.āĀ iĀ donāt wantĀ to beĀ on the other side of grace, because thenĀ iĀ would be on the other side of God. my practice is to always be in aligned with Godās heart and integrity. Ā when relationships are on the 50:50Ā Ā model, there is no wiggle room orĀ paddingĀ of understanding on the walls. it either is or it isnāt. did you pass or fail?Ā
but whenĀ iĀ really feel into it,Ā iĀ wonderā¦ Ā Ā
ifĀ iĀ can give seventy-five percent butĀ iĀ give fifty, who amĀ iĀ really doing the disservice to:Ā
Ā a. the personĀ iĀ embarrassed into overextending themselves because it wasnāt enough for meĀ
Ā b. or amĀ iĀ really doing myself the disservice by not allowing myselfĀ to actĀ at full capacity because itās not āfairā even though it requires more effort to hold back than to give my all? Ā Ā
Ā some people just run faster than others. thatās not fair. thatās life. some people have aĀ high-capacityĀ to give and receive love at certain times of their life. thatās not fair either. and itās not fair to blame others because my well runs deeper sometimes. love from others isĀ a supplement, not a source. some of my discontent with others was just a manifestation of what was coming from within, telling me itās time to fill myself up more. but thatās another story. Ā iĀ donāt want a love that makes sense. i want a love thatās honest. a love where instead of percentages or old gender standards, itās just two people choosing to create a connection where they give their all to themselves, together.Ā mmm. i like that. two people choosing to experience giving their all back to themselves, together.Ā i think thatās the perfect way to end any story.Ā Ā
Ā āthe peace i have now was worth everything i lost.ā Ā Ā Ā
ā Ā Ā diamond dorris, book as it comes
change can be traumatic; especially when everything changes at once. good or bad, there is a sense of instability and uncertainty. aspects of you will want things to go back to normal, even though you know that normal no longer exists. what made you happy before doesnāt fill you the same way. what made you passionate before doesnāt stir you quite the same. your fire burns different. itās something not really acknowledged in discussions of change, loss, and the grief behind it. when we grieve we are not just in sorrow over the loss; we also mourn the loss of who we were before the loss. we grieve over our old identity, and what that identity was attached to.
loss cannot be prevented, avoided, or controlled. loved ones will leave this world for a new one. friends will drift apart. relationships will end. opportunities will be lost, mishandled, or blown. some events can cause you to lose your home, job, car, or make you feel you lost your passion and purpose.
i challenged myself to see loss from a different perspective. i wanted to shift the lens on loss in a way that didnāt leave me stuck in the past. so i began to write little notes to myself. here was what came to meā
1. Ā Ā loss presents an opportunity to reinvent your life and create a ānew normalā. any kind of death is a rebirth for the people left behind. as we learn how to function in a world without the people or things that once made us feel safe, we are given the obscure opportunity to recreate our realities.
2. Ā Ā life is a cycle of feasts and famines. never take the process personally. everything we see, have, and lose is here to remind us that what really matters is within. trust the shift. trust what goes and what stays. loss is your reminder that whatever you lose cannot weaken or reduce the true essence of who you are. when you have nothing to lean on, the universe is reminding you that you are powerful on your own.
3. Ā Ā if the universe is guiding you to carry less, what you are about to receive requires more room in your life.Ā do not confuse new beginnings for emptiness. everything canāt come with you where youāre going. this is an opportunity you may not have asked for or wanted, but it is exactly what you needed to grow.
because of loss, i will never be who i was a few years ago. loss taught me how to be wiser and more resilient, how to hear Godās voice in silence and noise, and that i can have my needs met without stepping out of alignment with God. i have a renewed level of awareness. my heart is filled to the brim with compassion. iām a lot less ashamed of my feelings. iām a lot more in love, too. i find myself unavailable to play the game of self-blame. it was in loss that i found my storehouse. that is both a miracle, and a testimony.
ātoday is the last day that i lament over the graves of all my failed expectations. farewell to all the dreams i held of how i thought my life was supposed to be. iām calling you by name so we can both be set free. i want you to come home. i am worn out by my cries over your corpses. i cannot change what has happened but i offer the opportunity to give you the proper send-off. today is my last day breathing life into dead things. may my past live in peace and i enjoy life as it comes.ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
to the doormat in me; you have the right to say no...
(note: this is the original version published march 21, 2017. Ā the revised version can be found in my book as it comes available now on amazon in paperback and kindle.)
do not starve yourself to feed others out of fear of loneliness. serve you everyday. say ānoā today. say it again. donāt waste time trying to figure out who feels what about you. you have the right to be the only person you live for. free up your time that was once full of commitments that didnāt honor you. the kind of love worth a favor is counterfeit. do not become bitter when you see the love you gave was not returned to you. continue to love with discernment. you have the right to boundaries that only abide by you, and cause no harm to others. make it a mantra for others to follow. fall in love with having a voice. now fall in love with hearing your voice. become your favorite sound. you have the right to love that wonāt exploit you. there are people who are okay with you living for yourself. the love you seek flows freely within you. you have the right to please you. do what makes you smile. you have the right to relationships with those that you wonāt ask you to pay with your life to love them. your love belongs where itās appreciated most, not with the highest bidder.
to the manipulator in me; you have the right to engage in confrontations. you do not always have to concede to psychological warfare. allow people to know your wants, needs and desires in its most natural formā tell them. you do not have to live avoiding altercations. let that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach be a reminder of your release from feeling undeserving. you have the right to ask for what you want directly, confidently. you do not have to plant seeds, use power of suggestion, and create dramatic scenes acting out roles of victim & damsel to access the affection you long for. you have the right to be honest with yourself. you have a duty to remind people how you prefer to be loved. you have a duty to know what to tell people because you know yourself. you have a right to authenticity, and a life void of ulterior motives. you can be yourself and still receive what you need. you will never have to deceive, extort, or exploit others for your needs again because you know there is enough for you. you have the right to ask for more from others. you donāt have accept everything that is given. you have the right to be vulnerable. you have a right to be safe.
to the ugliest parts of me; you have the right to believe you're beautiful. you deserve to be showered with compliments. accept every kind word you receive without a counter argument. do not second-guess celebrations of yourself. bask in your moments of worship. you are glorious. we will never experience the unique frequency that is you, again. honor your rare existence. you are precious to me. be the best you there is. walk upright, and have compassion stored for the days that you donāt. you have the right to forgive yourself. the love you demand does not rely on successes and failures but on inherent self-worth. you are allowed to be imperfect, and you are allowed to receive love while imperfect. be proud of your work. there is healing in every mistake you made. they have a right to be seen so they can touch others. you are a picture best when complete. find beauty in your own right. join hands with the rest of your existence. i am not complete without you.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change my mind...
(note: this is the original version published march 20, 2017.Ā Ā the revised version can be found in my book as it comesĀ available now on amazon in paperback and kindle.)
people may not use me as their emotional dump.
people may not attempt to make me feel less than them.
people may not gossip, lie in front of me, or ask me to lie.
people may not invade my space without permission.
people may not use my needs to control me.
people may not use me or my power to bring harm.
people may not be allowed to affect my mood.
people may not negotiate me.
i may not be dishonest with myself.
i may not please for approval.
i may not put down others to feel good.
i may not hold on to what doesnāt serve me.
i may not use my power to cause harm.
i may not settle.
i may not compare.
i may not neglect my gifts.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change my mind.
to protect my energy, it is okay to cancel a commitment.
to protect my energy, it is okay to take a day off.
to protect my energy, it is okay to not answer that call.
to protect my energy, it is okay to not share myself.
to protect my energy, it is okay to do nothing.
to protect my energy, it is okay to be alone.
to protect my energy, it is okay to sleep in.
to protect my energy, it is okay to speak up.
to protect my energy, it is okay to move on.
to protect my energy, it is okay to let go.
to protect my energy, it is okay to change.
discoholicmusic
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
blakekathryn