the ramblings of a certified yapper

all my poems and thoughts. my road to healing.

[lovetobelostnotfound]

you should be used up by now

always pouring into someone else, how do you have anything left

you should be shattered, broken into a million pieces that no one could repair

you should be distrusting, weak and weary

a hollow thing, a reminder of what once was

and yet you beat, how disturbingly beautiful

what a testament to your strength or maybe your stupidity

are you learning anything?

if so then how do you keep ending up in the same situations

do you care if you survive?

the way you don’t take a break before jumping into something new

how is this possible, something to be studied they say

the ridiculousness of it all

where does the strength come from?

your brain? is that why you still believe in happiness, in goodness, in love?

how silly of you to think it gets better even though you’ve never experienced it

how ironically beautiful to believe the same people who break you will make you whole

-5.7.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

i’m broken

in places I don’t think can be fixed

in ways I don’t think anyone is capable of healing

not even me

and maybe that’s the problem

maybe you gotta believe you can be fixed

but I thought miracles and magic happened anyway

without consent or concern for who believed

I thought that’s what made it magic or miraculous

the fact that it happened anyway

but maybe i’m too old for magic

and too broken for miracles

maybe everybody doesn’t get happiness

or maybe just me

somebody has to be the example right?

how can you know you’re better if no one is worse

and maybe i’m worse

i’m the thing that has to stay broken so people know that they’re fixed

or maybe i’m too impatient for miracles

maybe I haven’t been broken long enough for it to be considered miraculous when i’m fixed

maybe something is coming to break me more

but if I feel unfixable now

how much more breaking can I withstand

how many more pieces before i’m just broken and not a puzzle

how many more hits before I just stay down

and call the fight

-12.12.20

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I am so full of feelings that I can’t explain without sounding crazy

can’t tell you that the grief still hits me in waves

or that I don’t feel like im doing enough

and in the next breath say i’m exhausted from working so hard

I know it doesn’t make sense

you won’t understand how much I miss my family

because when I see them we all have attitudes and only cry on departure

i’m drowning except i’m kicking just enough to stay afloat

and so to you i’m swimming

i’m having fun

you’ll see me smiling and joking

and ignore the tears

you’ll see me dating and disregard the desperate need to be loved

i’ll sound crazy if I explain it or worse you won’t agree

make me feel crazier like it isn’t justified

i’m drowning and i’m screaming

but you can’t hear me

because you weren’t looking for me in the deep end

and so there is no one coming to save me

a fact i’ve known ever since I lost my sister

and I might be crazy

but i’m full of emotions with nowhere to put them but further down

except i’ve been pushing them down for years and now they’ve stacked up

that’s why im always talking

word vomit and confessions

dark humor that doesn’t seem so funny after the 10th joke

just makes the room awkward and silent

and so I fill it with laughter and the constant reminder i’m just kidding

except I wrote a suicide note

except I made a plan

and no one is coming to save me

- 4.28.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I love him I say through gritted teeth

as if someone had a gun to my head

or a hand up my back making my mouth move

I love him I say again unsure of who i’m trying to convince

I love him I think

if I didn’t wouldn’t I have left by now

moved on by now

been happy by now

I love him because he makes me not want any of those things

makes me feel unstoppable

tells me i’m too much for this world reminds me that I do possess good qualities

I love him I say bc he helps me love me

because he shows me i’m deserving of love

capable of loving

I love him I say even when he’s rude

even when his words sting like needles

I love him even when hands hit harder than this words

I love him bc it’s just a dark phase and i’ve had dark phases and I think love can fix him

I love him even when he puts me down

even though sometimes he tells me he regrets our life together

I love him even when I can’t love myself bc he helps me to love myself

and so I say I love him bc it shows i’m capable of loving

capable of keeping company

deserving of companionship

not alone

but this time he is holding a gun to my head

and there are bruises on my back

and he’s forcing me to say it

to say i’ll never stop

no matter what

so I do

but as the words come out

I know that i’m supposed to be convincing you.

- 12.11.20

[lovetobelostnotfound]

Letter to my younger self:

I always wondered what I would say to myself if I could go back in time, what would I change, what would I keep. I do not know. If I go to a different college I may never meet the girl who became my roommate sophomore year, who ten years later is one of my closest friends. If I never meet Chris I never get my son or at least not the same version. Maybe i’ll keep the school and Chris but I won’t drop out this time, i’ll stay in and get my degree. but if I never move back home much time do I lose with my sister. Or could I save her because I could take her away from everything she was stuck in. would I join the military? I wouldn’t get married. I know I would change that. But how different would I be? what lessons would I still be learning or never have to learn? how do I change what shaped me into myself? how do I know which pieces are replaceable, how do I know the changes wouldn’t make everything worse?

I would tell younger me to be careful. That everyone doesn’t have your best interests at heart and you can’t expect yourself in people. I would remind her that men and evil are often synonymous and to leave the first time. everytime. I wouldn’t let her quit as much. put her in therapy younger. tell her that drugs won’t change what they did to you, they’ll just destroy what’s left. I would tell her that driving well while you’re drunk is impossible because you shouldn’t be doing it. I would remind her to keep the good. I would tell her that self control is more important than others fear. I would make her save her money. don’t take out your bellybutton ring. it wasn’t worth it.

but mostly I would encourage her. tell her that it does get better and she does get through it. one thing I wouldn’t change is her resiliency. because no matter how bad I think it was back then, she survived it all. so maybe just an I love you girl and a pat on the back because she got me this far and i’m so proud of her.

3.31.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

they don’t tell you about the dreams

about how real they feel

about how much you’ll want to stay in them

because it’s the only way you can visit me now

they don’t tell you about the reflexes you’ll have to unlearn

how hard it is to stop doing something you’ve done all your life

how you have to turn parts of you off to survive

they don’t tell you about the nightmares either

where I lose you all over again

or how you’ll wake up shaking and screaming

because the nightmare is real and it’s just a memory now

they don’t tell you

how it’ll change every part of you

how scared you’ll get by every bad thing that could happen

how probability stops factoring in and possibility is enough to level you

they don’t tell you much after the first year

it doesn’t sit as close to the surface for them

they won’t tell you get over it out loud but you’ll feel it

instead they tell you “everything happens for a reason”

or “it’s all in Gods plan”

they’ll tell you all the verses because they think it’ll help

they’ll tell you how strong you are and to keep going

but no one really tells you the truth

and the truth is…

-3.13.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

i’m no good at happy poems

no matter how many times I restart

they don’t come to me

don’t sound natural

can’t find a flow

I used to think it was because I wasn’t happy

couldn’t write what wasn’t true

no good at make believe

but i’m happy now

singing songs when I shouldn’t and looking forward to things that don’t matter much

i’m living not just surviving

but I can’t write about it

it won’t come out

maybe my body is trying to protect me

keep all the good locked up so it won’t leave this time

won’t escape

won’t remember it doesn’t belong here

but I wish I could write about frolicking

and dancing to the songs in my head

but maybe i’ll just enjoy it

maybe my writing was just me trying to get the emotions to leave and now I don’t want them to

so maybe this is the end of my writing

but knowing life i’m sure i’ll write again

- 2.22.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I went out of my way. I didn’t feel considered. I didn’t feel respected. I didn’t feel loved. I did it anyway. I felt worse after. I will not repeat that mistake.

5.19.25

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I do not want this, I never asked

all this thinking and wondering

questioning and anticipation

this unknown feeling

the only thing I am sure of is, that I am unsure

unsure if it is one sided,

or if you’re simply just as scared as me to initiate it

I do not want this

turning a corner and hoping you’re there

irrationally irritated when you are not

I did not pick these feelings out in the store

or search for them

they simply came

and it wasn’t my imagination

it was your actions and your words

your constant reminders and encouragement

and still I am unsure

unsure if you are as curious as me or just nice

offering a helping hand because you are capable

or offering a shoulder simply because you have two

I am unsure and I hate it

and only you can free me

so please whatever the answer be

unlock my chains and lift my burden

because I never asked for this

and there is no reason to keep something I cannot use

-2.2.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I say that I love you

and no one believes it

they can’t fathom that I could love someone i’ve never seen naked

except I have

in the way you tell me about your past and how it shaped you

explaining all the things you unlearned to be better

you strip to your bones

explaining the strained relationship with your mother

and how it led to your hesitancy to trust people

you show me your most secret parts

and you let me in

always asking the why and how come of my favorites

and trying them all

never making me ask twice about anything

and always making room for my feelings

you see me in the way i’ve always wanted to be seen supported and loved

so I strip down too

telling you how my greatest fears are not dreams but memories that I can’t escape

sharing with you my hopes and plans for the future

adding you to them and adjusting

I feel safe with you

there are no butterflies just a stillness and peace

a feeling of home and comfort

the desire to never leave

and all this without ever touching you

what more could I ask of love?

[lovetobelostnotfound]

you feel like home to me

like warm sheets on a rainy night

or curling up in front of the fireplace

your presence is calming

like a sandalwood candle burning in the living room

or the smell of fresh laundry

your smile is contagious

always jumping from your face to mine

I love you

the stolen glances and ever so light brushes as we pass

I crave you

like homemade chili on a winter night

fall with me

off this cliff of reality and into each other

1.22.26

[thehopefulquotes]

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.”

— Unknown

[lovetobelostnotfound]

she walks up to me and barks

words I can’t hear, in a language I can’t understand

but with an attitude I can’t mistake

“i’ve messed up” I say

except what could I have messed up with this strange women?

she waves a friend and over they leave

I don’t know who she is but she clearly knows me

I think of her later trying to understand how I could have offended someone I didn’t know so badly

before I go to bed I see I have a friend request

the same girl from before

more confused than ever I look through her page

trying to find something in common

maybe we went to school together

or a past job

10 minutes later I find it

and my heart sinks

a picture captioned “forever and always”

and I realize it isn’t her who I know

but instead the man in the picture

I roll over and look at him

then back to the picture that’s dated only a month ago

I delete the request

my husband

how could he be her “forever and always”

I walk to kitchen and pour my favorite tequila

and open her page again

I get back to the picture from before

I scroll further back

and there’s more

date nights and holiday pictures

three years worth of memories

I look down at my ring

five years of marriage, ruined in day

I pour another drink and cry

I take off my ring and crawl into bed

he holds me

I don’t shout or push him off instead I sink deeper

one last night of a lie

one last memory of our own

1.31.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I haven’t cried in a while

I take walks now

look at the flowers and watch them bloom

let my heart match the melodies I hear from the birds

I make breakfast in the morning

and drink tea on the porch

im happier now

I think its because I stopped looking back and being mad at myself

I let go of the people hurting me

and allowed myself room to heal

I like me now

I spend time by myself

I color and paint again

I write poems that i’m not scared to reread

I laugh

I guess all it took was a little time

and to give myself the grace I reserved for others

im proud of me

I don’t self sabotage

I make plans and follow them

i’m reaching my goals

i’m so thankful I didn’t quit this life earlier

because everyone was right

it got better

and how sad it would’ve been to miss the best part

1.26.26

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I do not like being drunk

I like the absence it gives me

the freedom from worry

I do not wish to be a drunk

I wish to forget the things that haunt me

the death of my sister

the abandoning of my child to join the military

the loveless marriage I have entered

I do not wish to be a drunk

but name something that can help me

and I will run to it

I will embrace it with both arms

you name me a drunk

without knowing I do not love the taste

I do not crave the hangovers and the anger that follow

I crave the moments and maybe hour at most

that follow

that let me be foolish

with no worry

with no judgement

I crave the company

that do not blame me for the sins of my family

or the consequences I could not control

I am not a drunk

I am a broken fool

with nothing else to use to feel at ease

nothing else to make me okay with everything I could not predict

everything I could not control

everything I fought against and yet still happened

you claim I love the taste

but instead I miss the absence of it

when I had all these freedoms without it

when I had the company of the people I am now forced to remember

when I had no worries as a child

I am not a drunk

but name me something that can help such as this and i’ll go

but you can’t

so I crave the bottle

because the bottle doesn’t call me broken

it calls me survivor

it calls me strong

and if you could think of everything I had to go through to get here

maybe you and the bottle would agree

maybe I am what it calls me

or maybe i’m weak because I only hear it from the bottle

either way

I am not better

and therefore I must do what it takes to survive

so the bottle I run to

and it embraces me

who am I to turn away from love

when I have lost so much

who I am to lose more

8.10.24

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I fell in love with a soldier

a moving thing

I fell in love with a man

who claimed to be simple

I fell in love

but really I think i just grew attached

think I tried to lose myself in him

as I so often do with men

try and make them the thing I need

my missing piece

but it never works

I guess because i’m the only one falling in love

or growing attached

or maybe because they realize they are already complete without me

and i’m the only one needing something

and no one wants the needy girl

so I move on

losing more and more of myself

needing to find a bigger piece to complete me from the next man

I am only now a shadow of what I once was

before I loved

or grew attached

I am only a shell of myself

and this time I think is my last time

searching for anything

because they always fail me

and I can’t afford to lose anything else to men

-date unknown-

[lovetobelostnotfound]

I almost fell in love again

except I couldn’t because I wasn’t as naive this time

and even though you kept saying you loved me, I knew to look at your actions closer

I wanted to believe you but something felt too similar

similar to the last time I felt butterflies and my heart was racing

that love which so closely mirrors anxiety and the heartbreak that gave me depression

I almost fell in love again and maybe I should’ve

let myself fall again even harder this time but I just learned how to walk again and so this time I left the first time

the first time I felt unappreciated, the first time you lied

I almost fell in love again except it wasn’t love and thank God I didn’t

10.13.25