Jar of Moonshine @loveyourground - Tumblr Blog

how is he this good looking what the hell 😭

I wander back here when I have no where else to just put my words and not have people see or react. When I put it to paper it’s not the same. This is both more and less permanent somehow.

Sometimes I just need to say how fucking sad I am and how awful things feel and not be told anything in return.

Navigating life post-him has been as expected. He couldn’t be the friend I needed anymore. I wouldn’t change much of how it all went. Protected my heart more I suppose. I tried to do things right. Still hurts.

For a time it was a truly good reciprocal friendship. But apparently this is how it goes with him. He gets into a relationship and abandons everyone. I mourn how things were but I’m grateful to still have his family. They were all connections that felt very fated.

I need to be proud of myself for stepping back when I didn’t get what I needed out of the friendship and for being honest with him. “I am here when you want a two way friendship.” I’m not her. I’m not going to pester. I deserve more (as does she).

I told him I was over him so we could get back to being the closest of friends.

I really fooled myself for a minute there.

Hitting the text limit in an effort to drain my brain of the poison is gives and gives.

I can have the most lovely evening and still it all comes down to thinking of him.

Pretty sure he’s on another date rn? Why else wouldn’t he tell me he was going to a show? Especially after all I said last time was “oh” when he told me he met up with a girl from bumble.

I am so tired of this. This is why I don’t do feelings anymore. It’s too much. I’m going to be so heartbroken.

Less than 48 hours. Let there be no in-person chemistry. I can’t survive this.

Honestly, no, I don't want her there. If your brother could fucking stop trying to invite that'd be great. Fuck.

I hate everything.

Somehow it seems his brother is cooking for all of us on my birthday lmao

10 days. 10 days until I get to hug him. And hopefully fall out of….and into the comfort of an everlasting friendship. Exactly 10 days from this moment I’ll be walking out of the arrivals gate.

He’s changed my heart. He’s changed my life. I never want know this life without knowing him. I don’t know how I could go back.

This is going to be the hardest trip.

First, everything gets empty.

Then the feelings trickle in, the heaviness, the lack of hope, the dull grayness.

It's not even self-talk anymore, it's a deep knowing. These are facts that cannot be disputed in the highest courts. The case would fall apart in the first round of questioning.

The flood splashes against the hollow walls, echoing reminders.

"...it's always going to be like this - settle in for another round - how many times can we do this - why would things be any different - fucked it up again..."

Nothing to do but wait for the colour to come back

I did not survive this weekend and continue to build good friendships with both of them just to have this psycho come in and ruin things. I am too old for this. I am so done with this. My heart literally cannot take it.

I survived...he's almost home, she says nothing happened.

Whether it's true or not, the most important thing is that today I am breathing.

27 days until my turn.

loveyourground

The next 6 hours are going to be so fucking agonizing.

I just need to know if they hooked up. I need to prepare my heart.

loveyourground

And thanks to fucking public Spotify playlists I know they’re listening to Mayonnaise right now and for some reason that feels like a betrayal.

God I wish I wasn’t like this.

The next 6 hours are going to be so fucking agonizing.

I just need to know if they hooked up. I need to prepare my heart.

Dressed, makeup on, ready to go out and make a new friend via twitch.

I just want to lay in bed and cry and cry and cry and feel how broken my heart is.

I'm so fucking tired of all of this. I thought telling him would somehow make things better, I thought I could immediately get over him if he knew. This is painful. This next week as he goes to visit HER will be so painful. This weekend when he was hooking up with someone off tinder, it has been painful.

If I don't find a way to shut my heart off again I don't know how I can keep doing this. It's too much.

Time to go fake joy.

Trying not to be so in my head about things. Trying to let go of what I can't control. Wanting to fast forward.

People really need to stop being nice to me don’t they know I’m fragile?????? Literally everything makes me burst into tears.

Imagine being stable for more than an hour at a time?

I had a dream he was killed right before…

I woke up wanting to throw up. I had tears in my eyes.

My brain is ruining this very positive thing.

If he falls for someone else, I will be ok. I have no choice.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Jar of Moonshine