can & won't

another idiot

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4-10-2016 1:26am

Just went back through my other tumblr like wayy back 2014 and it was incredible how different I was. I was cultivating so much fake positivity, stuff that I was criticizing other people for, and I know that somehow I was rationalizing in my head that I was better than everyone else.

 My maturity level has dramatically risen, which is nice to have a visual gauge of. Just kinda wild because I know I will continue to grow every year. I am realizing now that a lot of weird complexes I have had over the years are going away (i.e. having a problem with other peoples problems (finally)) and I keep having moments of telling myself “You’re worse than you used to be. What happened to you, you used to be so accepting, so good, so uninhibited” and the fact is that that’s not true. All the things I’m coming to terms with now are things I ignored to make myself seem like I didn’t have a lot of weird issues, or things that I was just unaware that I was doing. I still have so much to work out. And I do have more, for lack of a better term, baggage to carry with me that isn’t the fault of anyone including myself, it’s just how having life experiences go. I’m proud of the person I am, and excited to become the person I want to be. It’s ridiculous I would ever beat myself up for any of the things that happened prior to this year (2016) because it’s just a completely different world than I live in now. And as for the people that I surround myself with, I need to stop beating myself up so much about that too. The decisions I make to be around or not be around certain people are valid and Emma was right last night when she said “it’s okay not to want to be with someone”. In the past few weeks I learned an incredibly valuable lesson about the difference between “strong morals” and “inflexible asshole” and mostly i realized it was an acceptance thing. I think a lot of hate comes from feeling outcasted. Or ignorance. I’m not sure where I stand any more, but I think that’s better than being close-minded. I’m not really sure how I lucked out so much getting certain people in my life, but I know that its a blessing and not a curse than I can more easily distinguish people I don’t want to be around because if i’ve learned anything it’s that waiting for quality pays off in unimaginable ways. My whole experience the past four years has honestly felt like a dumb YA novel but like who would’ve thought I could be so so lucky and feel so lucky despite all the weird and difficult shit going on? insane. I just want to keep getting stronger and better and more genuine. I want to get called out. I want to get pushed. I want to be upset, but I also want to be happy. I want to be important. I want to be loved and more than anything I want to give love. Here’s to passing time. 

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just wrote a seven page paper about Italian transnationalism between the years 1880-1925 and I would now like nothing more than a nice pat on the back. 

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Photo one: Realizing I can now volunteer at planned parenthood

Photo two: Realizing I can finally smoke cigs to relax

Photo three: Picking popcorn out of my teeth

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late to arrive, quick to leave

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I was so tired of being upset

Always wanting something I never could get

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typically cool

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cute girl 

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skip to about 10 seconds in because it won’t let me trim the part where i’m messing around looking for lyrics

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growing year but i’m still The Best

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When I’m gone I hope the people who say they love me listen to jazz

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weekend of 11/13/15

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Living is about experiencing. And not just in the physical sense. Constantly, you need someone in your life who will take you by the wrists and tell or show, or in any way bring you towards new outlooks. Unselfish love in it’s most pure form is helping other people experience, and while everyone is deserving of love that is unhindered and raw, it should also be a goal to give back. Everyone has something to offer. Challenge yourself to always maintain a standard that will be genuine and constructive, challenge others to show you and give you what you need to improve.

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