ams🧚🏼‍♀️

photo archive w some notes for u

[lowbeamm]

the end of the year makes me reflect on all of my growth and all of my pain,

this year was so fucking hard, so many days where i thought i couldn’t bare the pain anymore , maybe i’d be better off if i didn’t exist. i never knew the pain would be able to go away. im filled with a lot of unprocessed guilt and shame from hurting the ones i wanted to keep close.

i wish i could’ve have gotten the right treatment sooner, i wish i could have realized sooner. i hope you understand, i hope you could still love me the way i always loved you, even if i couldn’t express it. living with this mental illness consumed my life for so long, and now that ive gained more control im left with the guilt from my past

i hope you forgive me, as i am so sorry for everything i’ve cause you, you’ve given me more than what i deserve

[lowbeamm]

so unbearable, i dont want to do anything anymore. i don’t want to be here

[lowbeamm]

this emotional roller coaster is so tiring, i wish i could just end the thoughts. i wish i could just sink into my bed and no one will find me again. maybe then someone can see me and think of me. my brain feels so messed up i just want to feel that consistent love. but im exhausting to be with. why can’t i feel okay, why do i need this why do i need anything. i wish i could do nothing, nothing means anything at the end

[lowbeamm]

days like today where i reflect on my past, and feel like i ripped open my healing wounds. maybe its because i dwell in it too much, am i overthinking it? or is it the suppression, the subconscious feelings that i have lost the memories of.

i think of my relationships with the people around me, i wish i wasn’t who i am because of what i cause. im ashamed. i wish i could let the guilt go, i wish i could think normally. i wish i could just hold myself.

but i love who i am sometimes, maybe not all the time like everyone else. but still, i see how i impact others and it makes me feel more real, it makes me feel good that i can make other people happy. it makes me feel like i am doing things right in many ways, that im not a bad person because of this. i’ve made so many mistakes, but i know that my heart has a lot of room left for love for myself and others

[lowbeamm]

[lowbeamm]

godspeed, i know you’re gonna be amazing. even if you never liked me or didn’t want me anymore, i always thought of you. i still want you to be happy. even if i can’t be there to see it happen

[lowbeamm]

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[lowbeamm]

these days i ask myself if its worth it, it hurts me so much

[lowbeamm]

2019

[lowbeamm]

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[lowbeamm]