I feel empty but not in the good way

TW: disordered eating and worldviews - 21 - pro recovery

[lowcalheavyweight]

I got ADHD diagnosis, was kinda wild

Went to see pshyc for the first time because my anxiety is getting so bad and she slapped adhd tests in front of me.

Like I knew I had symptoms but basically everything matched and after second meeting i was written meds, feel like they don't do much or just make it worse tho

It was hilarious reading the information slip and it saying it's prohibited to take it when you have a restrictive ed.

Basically, the whole point of this post is that haha it has appetite surpressing effects but for fucks sake you also have to eat something while you take them and i'm so conflicted 💀💀

[lowcalheavyweight]

The worst feeling when you have to accept that you can't lose those 10 kg in the next two weeks..

[lowcalheavyweight]

Me at home, all the control over food is on me, if I want to eat I make it: om nom nom I can't stop

Me at work and visiting, food is not under my control, I am given and expected to eat, going to lunch is mandatory: I am pure and clear, I am strong and resilient and won't give in to cravings, fasting is easy again

😭😭fuck my life aha😭😭

[chzrrybuznzy]

Eating within your budget is easy until it hits 6pm

[1-800-fuck-my-life]

i love how so many ed/ana tips are just so fucking expensive

like, ma'am, im trying to lose WEIGHT not MONEY pls

[lowcalheavyweight]

This is like literally the archilles' heel for me!!

I so want the clean and pure aesthetic! I want to buy blocks of 5 cal vitamine waters and the konjack stuff and have fresh low cal stuff, but one thing I needed to stop was ordering or eating out.

Somehow, my brain also percives grocery shopping as unnecessary spending so now my whole thing is to not buy anything myself.

There is a pantry full of dry ingridients and all the stuff I want from store must be normal and casual enough for me to ask my grandparents to bring when they ask what to buy. (Aka canned crushed tomatoes, banger soup - no cals)

But yeah, this is just portion control and self-aware cooking.

It does help that the first step on fosing control and bingeing is cooking the food so I am able to stop before I really get there more often than not, but it's not the nice cute aesthetic thing, doesn't make me feel fragile and petite or even worried about cause, I'm literally cooking.

Also, my cravings get ridiculous and super long lasting, i have had a sweet ice coffee haunt my brain for weeks 🤮

[lowcalheavyweight]

Warrior crunch is a great protein bar

It's SO big even if it's like 250+ cals it's sweet and huge so all my cravings are satisfuedd an I fon't even eant to finish the whole thing. Tastes pretty good too, don't feel chalky or taste weird.

Absolute magic

[lowcalheavyweight]

Hungry

Planning tomorrows lunch

The moment I have to start logging it into tracking app I have to confront that too much low calorie is high calorie

I can't stop thinking about snacks, even low cal like blueberries and milk, but milk is kinda high cal too i guess so like.. maybe an egg? Also kinda high, same for cottage cheese. I should drink a little broth, that will be good.

[lowcalheavyweight]

Every time i get back into the "lower weight is better weight" thing i go through the stages of grief.

Right now in the denial, i have had two meals today, breakfast was so meticulously thought through, kept me full was amazing, dinner is somethin family made but it's just chicken breast and stewed vegetables. I did not see them make it so logged it as "chicken stew" suddenly I'm over even my "normal weight loss cals" from the app

Wtf

These two, super healthy and minmaxed meals, are too much

My heart is breaking and my brain is getting back into the grind..

[lowcalheavyweight]

Not me coming back to get triggered cause i think i'm losing control and starting to gain, but it's just sad people telling other people about sad stuff.

Do I have to dig out my dedication (pants that I don't fit into) and determination (go weigh myself in front of my grandma) to think starving is a good idea again?? Smh

[lowcalheavyweight]

We got a new scale!

Motivation is back and goal is real again!!

Been fastin for 33h right now cause I'm seeing my long distance girlfriend tomorrow in flesh and I need to be the best I can.

Would like to be at least 3 kg lighter but that's not going to happen in 21h

They have been complimenting me on stuff like hipbones and they like to see the sideview aka the thin waist so obvs motivation to make sure I don't yoyo back up and keep going for my goal.

Also does anybody know whats the timeframe for usual "yoyo effect?" It's been years of consistent losing, does the "baseline pull" still work??

[lowcalheavyweight]

My scale is broken and I think somebody moved it, the weight changes have been so drastic in a short amount of time and stuff that should be true suddenly isn't

I just want to be sure of something for once

[that-house]

feelin' this one today lads

[ilikerottenmilk]

[lowcalheavyweight]

The only spo i go nuts for

[lowcalheavyweight]

So it's been like a while, to be exact around 10 days since I decided I needed to let myself eat without mentally restricting so hard cause binges were way too easy to come. Still, even without the mental shackles there were multiple times I ate unil I was having physical symtoms of a panick attack and overall not a great look

And with all that I weighed myself yesterday. And it was lower than it was 10 days ago. I don't know how I managed that and somehow that was so much more triggering than maintaining or gaining a little bit. And now I want to jump straight into "at least a kg loss in a week" but because I still lost weight that means I haven't done a maintanence week in so long and that's kinda bad sooo :')

I can't believe I got triggered so hard only to have to look the facts in the face and realise, "the best and quickest way to lose weight is to eat even more for a week"

[faescreekk]

“empty stomach or empty wallet?” so real

[lowcalheavyweight]

I'm maybe slowly falling in love

And they like muscle and abs and all that stuff

So now i'm thinking a future where I'm doing good with them is pretty nice

Can't do it right away tho

[kunterbuntes-schwarz-deactivate]

I wish i could eat like I ate as a kid. No worries, no calories. Just food.

[thatdayindecember]

YES HELLO THIS IS VERY MUCH POSSIBLE

I've been in recovery for 6 months now and I raaaarely even think about calories anymore. I'd say about 90-95% of the time, I don't worry about food or calories. I just eat whatever I/my body wants. IT IS GREAT

I know how annoying this sounds, but it's true: if I can do this, so can you. I was trapped in different ed's for almost 2 decades (yes I'm that old lmao).