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Like i get that that doesn’t happen always but like what if

It rwally stresses me out when I see pottery pieces before firing on social media because I always worry it blew up in the kiln and that the artist couldn’t post the finished product

do we think csa ruins you forever or just for like a while

#dont tell me to do trauma therapy about it #it’s the right answer but i’m busy trying other things #like anorexia and forcing myself to have sex and running too much and rape fantasies #currently none of it is working but you know what it could work at some point maybe if i keep starving and being self destructive

The person who is responsible for the horseimage twitter page is the only one who gets every part of me to my core

#theres a horse image for every life event and it is perfectly described with subtle melancholic vibes

waowwwww

Im going to my oarents’ house thats like 30 minutes away theyre not even home. Just to fucking weigh myself. And also get my water bottle i guessssss

trauma may have made me into a sexually fucked up person

#celibate but insane #i should do the opposite #having sex but sane #i think i would be better off if i legit had the most boring sex with a safe person who did not make me feel like i would be choked to death #just. s thought

woman-becomer

imagine a goat with a hat

STOP-

what hat did you give the goat what is the instinctual hat you gave to this goat

#party hat #like a blue and white striped one with a little bit of confetti at the top

I also don’t want to run. Like at all. Idk

#very uncharacteristic of me.

I just feel so deeply unreal rn like everything feels so so so not like reality

#i have had.#400 calories. today. not hungry. it’s 8 pm.#idk how much i had yesterday but i didn’t eat until 8 pm and then i had tomatoes and yogurt #not together. though. like obviously.#so maybe 1000 at most.#idk. it’s just weird.#i look at myself and i’m thin. like i’m skinny.#not worryingly skinny but i’m skinny.#idk why i don’t eat.#or i do know. but i don’t know why it’s so easy to not eat.

Ok so basically im traumatized, anorexic and fucking GROSS and im trying to be normal but it’s going so badly

#cried a bit about chronic mental illness #then thought about being raped #then cried about my sexual issues that are because of csa #and now I want to eat something because I’m a fatass.#I’m not a fatass literally because I weighed myself and am on track with what I expected my weight to be.#so once I’m back home I’ll be back on my weight loss #I’ll be 45 kg in septmebrr #Anyway. I want to eat something because I’m a fatass.#and I feel like it’s the only thing I can do to make things feel better.#lowkey

If my body was on pinterest and all the suggested related images were of midsize fashion i think i would crash out and kms fr

#thin girl on pinterest. then. all suggested images. are of midsize fashion #aka #fat women?#sorry but #if the bmi scale is soooo rude #then i think we can also say #that the pinterest algorithm is ruthless #lowkey.

The good thi g is that im just tryi g to starve rn and not really get fucked

#it’s good because at least it’s less depraved

wouldnt it be so slay if I could fix my brain instead of this

#i want someone to hurt me lmfao #like jesus christ #edgelord pervert and gross

ok so realistically i’ll be at my goal weight in early fall

#anorexia hours gang gang #it’s just a few more kg like i think 4 or 5 #buttttttt it slows down the lower you get #since i lost like legit a kg a week for the first while for this relapse #i think i need ti lower my expectations

ok so the funny thing about csa right

#is that no matter what you do #you can’t undo it.#so the damage is done.#lol lmao etc.#and all you can do is like………..#trauma therapy? self destruction? leaning into your messed up sexuality?#like i wasnt even #i wasnt even that bad #that young #that violated #and yet it is this fucking bad #jesssddudddsssssss

Ok time to clean up this blog jesus fuckign christ

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