It was a normal day in the renamed Afton household.
Which means that the household was currently a dilapidated Freddy’s. Unlike most dilapidated Freddy’s, this just felt mildly depressing and empty. Any soul that would have haunted the immediate area was gone by now, as Dave and Old Sport were busy to pick the last few springlocks out of Dave’s skin.
“How many children are we at now? This has at least been thirty! How did you even MANAGE to capture so many kids without anyone EVER noticing?”
“Hey, Old Sport, it ain’t my fault that 460,000 children go missin’ every year! I’ve only ever gotten like- yeah, 30 a year, at best! With all the police swarmin’ and all that. That ain’t nothin’ compared to children goin’ missin’ every year!”
“… we’ve only made it through ONE year’s worth of your murder?!”
“Eh, we’re makin’ pretty good progress if you ask me-“
The door to the room was very abruptly slammed open. Circus Baby stood in there and after an appropriately dramatic pause, she came inside and slammed a few pictures onto the table.
“IMPORTANT NEWS, DADS! MIKE AND SIMON ARE CURRENTLY ON THE MOVE. INTEL SAYS THIS IS THE LOCATION!”
“You don’t need to scream, we hear you just fine!” Old Sport leaned back, relaxed.
“Ooooh, pretty!” Dave picked up the images.
“Yes… too pretty.” Baby scoffed. “Don’t you notice something about these pictures?”
“Ya really got talkin’ like a crazy detective down. That Ethan guy really impressed you, didn’t he?”
“No- no! Not at all!” She huffed and turned a bit. “But just- look! There’s a church there! And travelling all the way there… isn’t it clear what is going on?!”
“Enlighten us, my body is ready.” Interested the Orange Guy leaned forward.
“They. Are. Trying to…”
A pause.
Then abruptly she ripped one of her arms up, pointing a finger into nowhere.
“MARRY!”
“WHAT!?”
“YES! AND THEY HAVEN’T INVITED US. AND FROM COMMUNICATION WITH BASE-“
“Oh, did you say hi to Jeremy for us?”
“Yeah, I did- BUT NO THE POINT. COMMUNICATION WITH BASE REVEALED: THEY HAVE ALSO NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE OPERATION. MIKE AND SIMON HAVE GONE ROGUE AND PLAN TO GET MARRIED PATHETICALLY AND ALONE WITHOUT ANY OF THEIR FRIENDS. CAN WE STAND FOR THAT!?”
Immediately, the both of them stood up. “NO SIR!”
“THAT IS WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR: OPERATION ‘BIG WEDDING, IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT’ COMMENCES N O W!”
The fact that maybe, POTENTIALLY these two were just going on a nice trip was carefully considered by Old Sport and then passionately discarded. As was the potential that they weren’t invited on purpose. Or that there were still children’s souls to save.
They waited decades- surely, they could wait some more, eh?
- - -
Mike was the first to wake up.
He was groggy and confused, but his hand immediately reached for his partner.
“Ssss- simon…?”
A cough beside him snapped him fully out of it. Simon was stirring besides him, groaning. Quickly Mike leaned over him, gently slapping his face.
“Simon?! Please- wake the fuck up.”
“… Mike…?” It came back, as groggy. Then, a soft, raspy laugh. “… you look… beautiful… am I dreaming…?”
“Christ, Si. What’s with the sentimentalities? Wake up.” Shifting on the spot, the heavy fabric around his legs confused him for a moment-
“WHAT THE FUCK.”
Jumping back, he stared down at himself, inspecting baffled the completely white and glittering wedding dress he was wearing. Now that he thought of it- Simon was wearing an elegant dark suit with a light blue tint.
“What the FUCK!?”
“Aaah… were we kidnapped?” Simon got slowly up, looking around, not caring too much about his appearance. “… you’d think now that we’re away from Freddy’s, that would be over…”
Flustered, Mike stood up straight and gritted his teeth. “… whoever the fuck did it, I’ll break their necks. You don’t fuck with a Freddy’s veteran, not if you want to live.”
Simon just snorted in response, but allowed Mike to gentle help him up- laughing a little again, as Mike carefully checked him over.
“Really- I’m fine. Don’t worry. Just a bit dizzy.”
“Good. Their deaths will be quick instead of slow then.”
They spotted a door.
Their exit?
Carefully they approached- and before Mike could try the handle, a hand wrapped itself around his. Looking back, Simon had furrowed his brow and nodded determinedly at him.
We have been through worse. Together we will get out.
They pushed open the door…
… light flooded in.
Immediate cheers from all sides and elegant organ music was playing. Glitter and white petals were falling from over them, as they tried to desperately to regain orientation.
They were in a giant church, and the benches were filled with animatronics, fellow Phone Guys who looked rather confused, and at the very front was Jeremy, in a priestly outfit, smiling and waving at them.
“CONGRATULATION!!!!”
Marion was by his side like a shadow, looking skeptical- but also raising a hand in greeting.
Old Sport was nowhere to be seen, however it turned out terrifyingly enough that it was Dave of all people on the organ, playing his heart out in the fanciest clothes he seemed to find.
Actually, all these fancy suits seemed to have a similar style…
“… did you rob a fucking wedding dress venue?!”
Baby by the front gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. “ABSOLUTELY! ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU! Well- I wanted to give BOTH of you dresses, but Jeremy said that wasn’t traditional and that we didn’t know what you would want- so eh. I’m sorry, I gave my best to make BOTH of you beautiful.”
Funtime Freddy didn’t even need to raise his voice to be audible over the cheers. “YYY---YYEAH! S-S-soo we G-GAVE it to the one who- one who- NEEDED IT THE MOST! HA-AHAHAha-A-A-A-AHAHAH!”
Simon stood up straighter. “DO NOT TALK THIS WAY ABOUT MY MIKE! OR I’LL- I’LL UH- KICK YOU OUT OF MY WEDDING, RIGHT NOW!”
“No—NOOOOO!” Funtime Freddy looked horrified. “I- I- AM SOooOO- S-SORRY! P-Pleas-eee-e! Don’t- don’t- kick m-e-e-e OUT!“
“Then watch yourself.” Simon dragged Mike a bit closer.
“… are we actually fucking doing this?” Quietly Mike whispered to him as they walked up the rows.
“… we should play along for now… and if we see a chance, we’ll get out. Take revenge, or- uh- whatever.”
“If you say so. I’m with you to the end.”
They arrived in front of Jeremy, who made a gesture to quiet the room, with Dave taking the que to play a quieter, marriage appropriate song on his instrument.
“Hey, uh- Jeremy.” Casually Simon started, clearly having a plan. “I appreciate this, but uh- you’re not a priest, right? Aren’t only priests allowed to do stuff like this? Baptism, marriage, all that? We can wait for you guys to find a proper priest…”
Sadly, Jeremy’s lovely smile broke that hope immediately. “Oh, actually, protestants are allowed to baptize themselves if no priest is there. I think as long as two witnesses are there…? But yes. Same for marriage! No worries- I gladly do it! I also made the cake!”
The promised couple turned their head around to spot a giant cake. Beautiful multiple layers of delicious goodness.
“It’s with strawberries!” Happily Jeremy said.
“I picked the motive.” Cooly Marion pointed out. “Jeremy almost made a golden Fredbear and Springbonnie cake.”
“It would have been cute.” Jerry pouted, but Marion’s eyes didn’t leave Phone Guy.
“… I thought a cool fire motive would connect with you guys better.”
And indeed, the huge red and orange cake was a piece of art with glass-like sugar tips that looked out and broke the light like a frozen fire. The rest of it looked mouth-watering filling, vanilla and chocolate pieces on top, to completement the fruity mass.
Mike nudged Simon’s side.
How about doing it for the free cake?
Simon shrugged, not opposed.
Jeremy rose his arms.
“We have gathered today, to witness the wonderful and loving union of these two people. You will know them as your friends, your employers, to some even our heroes-“
“Can we speed it up?” Mike scoffed.
Dave from above laughed. “TOLD YOU GUYS THEY WOULDN’T WANT THE WHOLE SPIEL.”
Looking a tiny bit offended, Jeremy shook his head.
“Fine, fine. Okay, so, in the name of god, pledging your lives, in sickness and in health, good times and bad times, through everything that could live throw at you- will you, Simon McCall, take Mike Schmidt as your husband?”
What was that for a question even?
Simon paused, looking into Mike’s storm-grey eyes. Those with the hint of blue, those that had looked at him so often in his life. The first time he hired him, the first time he stormed into his office complaining about the animatronics moving, the ones that had called him out relentlessly… the ones that had looked at him with untypical worry after he had fallen sick, the ones looking at him with apprehension, that slowly turned to trust… from then to now, this man had gone through all with him. Through all the disappointments, the terrors, the victories, the problems.
“Yes, I do.”
The words came out of him unintentionally seriously. But he meant them with his whole heart.
“Good! Mike, through sickness and health, through the good and the bad-“
“Yes, I do.”
Mike answered with an intensity untypical of him. A seriousness that could hardly be rivaled, only matched by Simon’s before him.
They had been through sickness and health before, through pain and joy, through everything life could do to them.
And for Simon?
He would do it all again.
Without hesitation.
Jeremy sniffled a little, clearly moved. “Then- I shall declare you husband and husband. Put the rings onto each other’s fingers and kiss, a union for all to see.”
A door to the side had opened among the cheers and cries of the audience and the glammed up Old Sport came out, holding a box. The noises of celebration became louder when he stepped beside Jeremy, between the couple and opened the box.
Mike and Simon stayed quiet however.
“… those are fucking grenades.”
Cheerful Old Sport pointed at the golden rings with each two red and a blue stone at the top of the grenades. “No worries, the rings are at this part here. All you gotta do is pull them off!”
“They will blow up if we do that.”
“Love will protect you <3”
“… how did you make that noise with your- you know what, never-fucking-mind.”
The church had gone quiet again at this point, everyone watching breathlessly.
Slowly Mike looked deep into Simon’s dial.
They nodded slowly, at the same time. Their heartbeats were in totally synchroneity.
It was time.
Both of them picked up their respective grenade slowly.
The entire church held their breath-
Within one immediate movement they pulled their respective rings over and in the same movement, Phone Guy dropped it in Old Sport’s hands while Mike chucked it with ALL power to the place were Dave was sitting, who in response JUMPED, but not AWAY, no! TOWARDS it, reaching out to catch the bomb, while Marion had already grabbed Jeremy, pulling him upwards, out of the blast radius, while Mike and Simon at the same time rushed towards the door, past the confused attendants, who made gasps of confusion-
Rolling over the ground, Dave held up his one, smiling like a maniac.
“OLD SPORT! OLD SPORT LOOK! I CAUGHT IT! THAT MEANS WE GET MARRIED NEXT! OLD SPORT-“
B O O M !
Thankfully, the grenades had simply been smoke ones that were fitted to look and to some degree sound like real ones.
However, the smoke was extensive and cough-inducing and when it cleared, Mike and Simon were gone.
“These BASTARDS!” Old Sport called out, rubbing his soot-smeared face.
“Ah, the eagerness of freshly married couples.” Dave put a hand on his chest. “Gotta say, I’m jealous.”
“Not THAT!” Disgruntled Old Sport pointed at the table that had stood by the exit. “THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CAKE!”
“What!?” Appalled Dave cried out. “Unbelievable! These fuckin’ sewer rats. Next time we ain’t gonna invite them to their weddin’, bet they’ll feel stupid then!”
- - -
Somewhere, far away, a camper stood, with two people sitting on top of it.
Each of them held a place with a big piece of deliciously expensive and sweetly flavored cake.
“You win some, you lose some.” Mike took a bit bite. “But I think we won more.”
“Where do you think they got these rings from?” Carefully Simon inspected the admittedly beautiful ring on his finger. “You think they, uh- stole it?”
“Probably.” A shrug. “But I mean- well. Do we want to be married to each other with stolen rings…?”
For a moment they looked at each other.
Then they both shrugged.
“Yeah, fucking whatever.”
“Totally fine by me.”
