Your Hoe Phase: A Guide for Relative Success.
Hello there! And welcome to Your Hoe Phase: A Guide for Relative Success. I'm Bety, your friendly neighborhood slut. I'll be advising you and giving you tips on nearly successfully navigating this newfound- at times, scary- sexual awakening you're raging through, colloquially known as, the "Hoe Phase".
"Why only 'nearly' successful, why not fully successful?" you may ask?
Because humans are messy, sloppy fucks with a penchant for fucking shit up, Sharon. Now, shall we begin?
For starters "What the actual fucking fuck is a 'Hoe Phase'?!". Well calm your tits, Barbara, and let's explore this vast dripping pit of wonder:
A "Hoe Phase", "Slut Phase", "Vaginal Life Crisis", "Mommy's Special Time To Play With HER Friends" is simply a sexual/erotic awakening one identifying as a woman goes through for a variety of reasons:
Sexual maturation/exploration/curiosity
Recent break up/divorce/'rebounding'
Because fuck it, why not?
Note: Men don't actually have 'Hoe Phases', they simply whore and our dystopian patriarchy rewards them for their troubles. Moving on.
The "Hoe Phase" is an exciting, often times enlightening, erotic moment in a woman's life where she wants to run through the town like a village bike. "YOU GET A TURN! AND YOU GET A TURN! EVERYONE GETS A TURN!!" Think of Super Mario nabbing that shining, dancing star and plowing through that level at top speed, glowing and glistening (nearly flying, I might add) leaving nothing in his wake but limp bodies and, presumably, bodily fluids. Yes,THAT feeling. However, this, more times than not, is trampled by the anxiety and fear of judgement one may receive for wanting to throw your vagina (or parts likewise) out like candy. In these instances, it is important to remember these magical words:
"Fuck Bitches. Get money."
In other words, forget the naysayers! If you wanna toss pussy (or parts likewise) like candy, DO IT. Because, believe me, people will eat that shit up. Go to fucking town.
"But what do I do if I want to be low key about my sexcapades?"
Then be fucking low key about it, Susan. Geez.
So, I take it you're pretty hot about about this new adventure into Fucksville, New Sexico. Well take it easy, champ, you'll need some tools before you go:
A vagina (or parts likewise)/anus/mouth (yours and/or others will do)
Hands with working fingers (yours and/or others will do, again)
A dildo and/or vibrator with working batteries (optional)
A penis with a man that works
A face with a working tongue
Copious amounts of porn (for rainy days)
"How do these tools work?"
Figure it out, Nancy. Fuck.
"But where do I find potential partners?"
Excellent question! This largely depends on your personal preference and forte. Some prefer the sleek, abstractness of social media while others prefer the more rugged footwork of bars and clubs. While mixing and matching the two can be a given both still come with individual pros and cons. Pros for social media pick ups are likely to include more time for intimate, one-on-one conversations. Cons? You could be chatting with an axe murderer. Pros for picking up someone in a bar and/or club could include seeing them in person and real time. Cons? You could be picking up an axe murderer.
Now, Peggy, before you get your knickers in a twist remember: no matter how sopping Dr. Jekyll has your panties, the "Hoe Phase" and all it's cavernous enlightenments should never ever negate standard safety procedures. When it comes to your safety, your gut and reason take priority over your pussy (or parts likewise).
Travel in packs everywhere (at least in groups of 2) NEVER EVER ABANDON YOUR FRIENDS UNLESS YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THEY ARE SAFE. Not even, sloppy Stacy. You knew she was sloppy before you brought her out. Handle that shit.
If you must go alone, text someone you trust all the information you know about the situation you're going into. Every. Detail. You. Know. And update them if something changes.
Make sure your phone is charged. Fucking duh.
Watch your drink and how much you drink regardless of whether you're alone or in a group.
Know where the exits, security, and employees are regardless of whether youre alone or in a group.
Always have an alternative way home. Uber/Lyft/your friend/relative who would totally fucking choke you because you woke them up at god-knows-what time are all acceptable.
Never. Go. Any. Where. Or. Do. Any. Thing. That. Makes. You. Uncomfortable. Ever. (Anyone pressuring you to do otherwise is someone you should get away from ASAP, even if it's coming from "friends".)
Condoms! (Because it's still safety)
"Golly, that sounds kind of sketchy. So should I try my luck at work or school instead?"
Interesting question, Skipper. When it comes to people like coworkers, classmates or even teammates, I like to reference this endearing phrase:
"Don't shit where you eat. ...or...only shit, like, once but no more."
Settings like work, school and even routine recreation are places you go to nearly every day for long periods of time and the people you see there nearly every day usually encounter you in a somewhat close capacity. One bad dittle and these places can easily become awkward spaces you dread going into daily, if not worse. This clause extends to family and close friends of coworkers, classmates and teammates.
"Gee, I don't know. Joe Schmoe from accounting doesn't seem like the type to-"
Fucking everyone, everyone, EVERYONE kisses and tells, Skipper. Don't fight me on this, dammit. It may not be maliciously- hell, it could even be on accident, but be prepared, it will probably get out.
Now, I know "But you said, ' ...or...only shit, like, once but no more.'" is what your thinking.
Rest assured, Becky, you can fuck Joe Schmoe from accounting until every last heifer comes home (just don't tell Skipper). If it's a one time thing or a one person thing, again, you see that person everyday. No one can really hold it against you- though some will- for wanting to spill your ink all over that company/school provided/team pen. And this is all totally within the area of keeping it hush-hush. If instead, you wanna take the village bike for a spin around the job, school and during extracurriculars, by god, let no [hu]man stop you!
"Boy, I'm going to be easier than I thought! ...but wait, isn't there anyone I should refrain from dittling skittles with?"
Oh, Lucy, you silly goose- of COURSE there are partners you shouldn't bang:
Inanimate objects not made for the specific purpose of sexual acts
Relatives immediate and otherwise
People who do not respect your boundaries sexually and otherwise
People already in relationships
People who demand you disclose your number of sexual partners
Joe Schmoe from accounting
People you've already fucked's relatives and close friends
Mermaids (the jury is still out on locating an actual vagina or parts likewise, but... I guess her mouth and hands still work...so..)
People who demand a relationship
That which dwells in the dreaded FRIENDZONE (and other pity fucks including people who friendzoned you)
That kid in high school who never texted you back
"Shucks, I'm interested in servin up some good ol' fashioned pussy (or parts likewise) right now! What should I do?"
Watch porn. Do it. Watch it.
Explore your sexuality, what you like, what turns you on and leaves you ashamed in a puddle of your own lust. Push your own envelope and click on something you've always been curious about and would be willing to try. No one's there except you. Go hide that picture of your grandparents under the sink (god rest their souls) and click that bondage video. Click that deepthroat video that's always left you mystified about the boundaries of esophageal endurance. Masturbate! This is your HOE PHASE, bitch, don't be shy!
Note: If you use Google Chrome as a browser, go 'Incognito' to keep porn from being saved to your history but be aware it doesn't bypass parental blocks
Also Note: Pornhub.com is one of the most awesomest porn sites to explore. They have so many specific categories you can choose from, it's almost worth surfing just to see what other people are into enough to warrant their own categories.
Always make your intentions with new partners clear right off the bat.
This just reduces a lot of unnecessary fallout. Trust me. Of course some people may get hurt but if you make your intentions clear in the beginning and stick to them, it takes much of the guilt and responsibility off your shoulders in regards to breaking off something you never really had any intentions of going anywhere in the first place.
That being said, keep sexual partners at arms' distance if you are in fact keeping the relationship a casual/sexual friendship.
Don't go on into details about your life, hopes, dreams, fears, work and other personal shit nor start doing in-too-deep couple shit with someone you only plan on rubbing genitals with. It's never good to blur your own lines and boundaries but it's twice as fucked when you do it to someone else in the process.
Don't hold yourself back from trying new things you really want to try and do (obviously different from being uncomfortable and not wanting to do it, in that case, DON'T.)
The "Hoe Phase" is essentially your practice/exploration time. See what works. See what doesn't. Carry the fuck on. Literally. Different partners are into different things; some people are really uncomfortable with erotic asphyxiation (choking). If you really want to try it and they don't, grab your fuck and carry it on to someone who is willing to go there with you. And keep the other in your back pocket for those Hallmark Nicholas Sparks marathons.
Remember: This is your Hoe Phase. Don't take no shit and no prisoners.
If you want your pussy (or parts likewise) tongue tickled, tell them. If they "don't eat pussy (or parts likewise)" or they want head first, show yourself or that reject to the door.
There is plenty of dick in the sea. ...or, ya know, parts likewise.
"But how do I end my Hoe Phase if I just want to stop?"
Then just fucking stop, Karen. Christ.
Alright bitch! Your friendly neighborhood slut is off! I hope you remember everything you learned here today and are fearless in your insatiable pursuits of all things sexually appealing to you! Now go out there and spread your legs as wide as your smile. Go to fucking town!
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