emma's little corner

miserable, depressed, and fucking confused at the same time

[luckyisepic]

it’s been a couple days. i still really like him. that’s kinda surprising due to my track record, but something about him is special

[luckyisepic]

i love my mom. i really do. but her love confuses me. this woman birthed and raised and handed me everything i needed in life, but also gave me so many issues and insecurities that i still struggle with. i love her hugs. her words stings. she smells like home. her stare makes me want to die. i can’t bring myself to hate her, but i also can’t bring myself to love her wholeheartedly without invalidating all the hurt i’ve felt. i feel suffocated when i’m near her, but i feel so alone when i’m not. i think i can live very well without her, but why would i keep living if she’s not here? i love to hate her, she loves to hate me. but beneath all that anger, manipulation, and toxicity that we like to conceal as tough love, maybe a small portion might still be innocent and pure. maybe we still have a chance at mending our broken relationship. maybe instead of being my mother, you can be my mom again.

[luckyisepic]

it’s so stupid how often you are on my mind. i get giddy when i think about you and it’s DUMB. i’m dumb. you’re dumb. having a crush is dumb af. 

[luckyisepic]

journal entry #1 - nov 10

chapter 1 is out, and i might as well make my list here. it’s currently 7:52 pm, and i haven’t done anything productive but watch an old chinese drama and write these posts. i have a shit ton of stuff to finish, and hopefully i’ll get started on them after this.

□ eat dinner □ shower □ clean out mini fridge □ english project proposal

the english project proposal will probably take me all night anyways, so that’ll be the only time-consuming item i’ll aim to finish by today. 

i’ve felt like shit for the couple of days because i recently failed (not confirmed but basically confirmed) a midterm for one of my courses. it’s not my first time failing something in life, but this one does sting just a bit more than the others, purely because the whole reason i’m taking this course is to prove that i can succeed in it. to be quite honest, i don’t even know who i’m trying to prove it to. myself? my parents? or the people around me? 

anyways, i’ve been rewatching an old chinese drama called 医馆笑传 (laughter medical center). i’ve only ever watched the first season (because i really don’t like actor changing for seasons), and i guess it’s just to remind me of those times when life was a bit simpler. 

alright! time to go eat and check off the first thing on my to-do list. 

[luckyisepic]

chapter 1: an explanation & an outline

how to run away is what i wanted to name my youtube series if i ever started one. instead of bravely facing all the shit that life likes to throw at me, i like to run away from them instead. it’s becoming a familiar routine of experiencing something, not being able to process it, finding an escape, and blocking everything out. for me, it’s easier to run than it is to face the fact that some of these things are real. but alas, who doesn’t have a bit of trauma to unpack in today’s generation. how to run away isn’t going to be me talking about how i ran from my issues, but rather my journey of learning how to run away from those unhealthy habits that got me here in the first place. 

step 1.0: recognize where you are at

as cringe and as overused as the phrase is, “it’s okay not to be okay” really does ring true (i’ve had someone say this to me irl, and i cringed visibly; nice attempt at making me feel better though). it is, genuinely, okay not to be okay (also, random side note, great kdrama to watch). you will feel like shit, you will look like shit, and you will be shitty at least several times in your life. and that’s okay. it took me so long to acknowledge that i am only human (as much as that hurts my ego), and it’s not a crime to take the time to reflect that i don’t feel okay at all. 

so, are you okay? are you not okay? are you pretending to be okay? are you pretending to not be okay? which one is it? recognizing where you are is the first step to healing. if you’re truly okay, congrats! maybe this blog isn’t for you, but i hope you stay anyways for my ✨amazing personality✨. if you’re not (even if you’re pretending you are), that’s alright! we’ll slowly start our healing process together. 

being not okay is okay. what is not okay, is using this as an excuse to justify any self-deprecating or toxic behaviour that stops you from getting better or hurts other people. just because you don’t feel okay, doesn’t mean you can take advantage of the people and situation around you. take as long as you need, but recognize the line between feeling shitty and being shitty. 

step 1.1: consider what you need

what do you need right now? do you need some more time to curl into a ball and do absolutely nothing? do you need to start picking your life up by the pieces? do you need to rebuild those relationships that you lost during this time? do you need someone to tell you what you need?

it’s hard to figure out where you are mentally, and it’s overwhelming to start considering what your next steps need to be. relax. i would suggest grabbing a notebook and a pen to write down everything you think. a pen because 1) it won’t fade, 2) you won’t try to erase anything. write down everything you need from the next immediate second, to what you need to do long-term in your life. add onto that list whenever something else pops up, small or big. this list might seem daunting, but at least it’s in front of you, visible, and a finite number of things that are possible to achieve. whenever things are stuck in your head, there seems to be an infinite amount of things one after another to do. writing them down makes you more grounded. 

step 1.2: one checked box = one accomplishment

once you have that list, find the ones that you need to do immediately, and start checking those boxes. go shower, go get some food in your system, go feed your cat, go talk to that friend go read that book. fuck all the deadlines in your life (i say that with an assignment that's overdue for almost 20 days), and do what you need to right now. deadlines are dead, but you are alive. one checked box = one accomplishment, big or small. feel proud, you deserve it. 

here are a few notes that i’ve learned while making lists of my own:

- making lists makes me feel more controlled of my own life; i can work through the day without worrying about forgetting something

- lists can very well be overwhelming if you have big things listed; break everything into multiple tasks to make the overall one seem less daunting and hard to start

- if you like to make daily lists, be realistic and list everything you need and should be able to check off without overcompensating; there were so many times i’ve lost motivation because i couldn’t finish everything on my to do list, which carried on to the next day and the day after

start now, or start later. what matters is you start at some point. it will get better, we just have to start working for it. 

[luckyisepic]

prologue: how to run away

i’ve always wanted to start a blog somewhere, documenting small parts of my life for a later 80 yr old me to come across and reminisce. but every time i opened a page in my journal, or created a new account to start writing, i always ended up bailing. maybe because starting something new is hard and i’m lazy, maybe because if someone found this and randomly traced it to my real life location i could get kidnapped, or maybe i’ll start to realize that after all these years, i haven’t done anything that warrants enough attention for me to write about, or that no one would care what a random stranger on the internet thinks about random shit. after all, with 15 yr olds winning the olympics or debuting as idols, i can’t help but feel that i am losing a race that i never wanted to participate in from the start.

i don’t know what changed my mind. probably because starting this blog might make me feel like i actually accomplished something before i turn another year older, or maybe my words could actually interest someone, but here i am, about to write my entire life and thoughts into sentences and paragraphs that are badly worded and full of grammar mistakes. 

welcome! my name is emma, i’m an 18 yr old pisces rising with a buttload of trauma and undiagnosed mental illness (i’m working on it i promise). i have the best music taste and terrible shit humour, a lot of opinions on the most random things, and i love to overshare. i hope whoever you are, reading this whenever, you can find whatever you need to keep on going, and realize that life isn’t always about the highs. the lows and flatlines are often the times that you learn what it truly means to be living.