honestly the best feeling ever is realizing you’re not sad anymore over something you thought you would never get over
This blog has seen me go through a lot. I honestly can’t believe I can still log into it. Since the last time I was here, I am a new person.
There were so many things I thought I’d never get over. So much angry I was holding on to, it made me a different person. So many drugs I don’t know what I was truly thinking or feeling. It feels like there was endless amounts of toxicity in my life and very few rays of sunshine.
I am now over a year sober from hard drugs and almost two months sober from alcohol, and this is the best I’ve felt in so long. I have since been broken up with and lied to by someone I thought I loved deeply and handled it with dignity and grace. I have never lost myself because of someone else, ever again. I have forgiven the people who did me wrong, I now see that they were hurting just as much as I was. I wish we would have worked together instead of tearing each other to the ground.
I was lost when I was running this blog. I randomly chose a major but never saw myself working. I didn’t think I would be able to stay sober throughout the day to hold down a career. I just wanted to get married and be a xan and wine housewife. Then I just wanted to be a festival girl. Doing what I needed to do to get to the next show and the drugs I needed to enjoy it. I thought I would die still sad about how Mitch didn’t want to be with me, still angry about the girls who did me dirty.
in 2016 I moved to the mountains of Colorado for an internship, required for me to graduate. I thought it would be a good way for me to move to Denver and continue my goal of attending non-stop shows and banging hot DJ’s.
Much to my surprise, I fell in love with my job, with my town, with the people I was around. I discovered skiing could make me feel even better than sex and drugs.
I found a job I preferred to do sober. A town that I didn’t want people to see me as a burnout. People who supported me and wanted to see me do well. People who are honest with me. People who lifted me up to their level, as opposed to tearing me down to make themselves feel better.
Moving to Winter Park and working for NSCD saved my life.
Now, three years later, I am supervising the whole program. I have 30 staff who work directly under me and every day I get to love them and support them so they can help people with a variety of disabilities feel the therapeutic benefits of skiing, of feeling free on the mountain.
Three years later I still get goosebumps while skiing and looking around at where I am. I can’t believe how happy and empowered it makes me feel.
I cry at least once a week because of the impact I get to help make on the lives of people with disabilities and their families.
I am thankful for the lows that got me here, but even more thankful that they have passed. I am so thankful for the people like my family, Austin, Aspyn, Cesilee, Genna, and Jacob who have been by my side through it all. I am so thankful for everyone who loved me when I didn’t love myself.
I am so thankful to be where I am today and to be who I am today.
So thank you for following my journey, thank you for letting me know that I wasn’t alone, thank you for helping me feel valid in my feelings.
This is my goodbye <3
