đšâŒïžSPOILER ALERT!! DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN DEATH NOTE.
So... I just rewatched Death Note for the first time in years.
For some reason, I deluded myself into thinking I could do a casual episode a day, maybe two. I binged the whole thing in three days. I know... rookie mistake. In my defense, itâs been a while, and thatâs what happens with the good stuffâthe kind that moves you so profoundly you canât really tell how you feel immediately after consuming it.
I was in my early teens when I watched it for the first time, probably on the edge of being too young, and to say it left an impression is a light way to put it (pun intended, if you know, you know). Itâs funny how time and space change one's perspective. Itâs not that I canât tell if it is still one of the greatest things to ever be createdâit very much is. I just think it is so in a completely different way than when I was a kid.
I used to love the shallow things about the show: the aesthetic, the clever and exciting twists, Lâs silly antics with Light, Ryukâs childish marvel at human nature, and Misaâs entire wardrobe. You are not asking but yes, there is a bunch of photos of my teenage years attempting my best at recreating Misaâs looks and no, not in a cosplay setting, that I would love nothing more but to erase from the face of the planet and maybe even brainwash anyone who witness that episode of my life.
This is not to say I wasnât also a fan of the meaningful, soul-searching gifts of this anime, because I was. I remember not being able to fathom how someone could write something like thisâbuilding and creating it with nothing but their human wit. I spent hours with my anime-loving friends discussing the questions the series presented, the moral dilemmas every character endured, and begging people who claimed not to like anime to just give this one a chance so I could have more people to talk about it. I loved it; it shaped me and heavily contributed to my criteria for the art Iâve enjoyed since then.
Thatâs why itâs so impressive to me that I only watched it once. Back then I had all the free time in the world, and when I loved something, I clung to it until I knew every detail, until I could recite every word and identify a scene just by the soundtrack. I didnât do that with this one, and Iâm almost grateful. Thereâs a chance that, despite my deep enjoyment, I was still too young and impressionable and the show was too uncomfortable to dissect with obsession. I had a very 'green' view of the world, and I believe itâs human nature to hold onto that until itâs ready to ripen.
Now itâs different. Now I watch Death Note and the discomfort isn't that queasy, 'cool' feeling that makes me want to close my eyes but forces them open anyway. I donât have to force them open anymore. I donât have a heaviness in my chest regarding the morals of the world or myself. The philosophy, the idealistic views, the naivety, and the fear of believing the worst (or romanticizing it) are fairly outgrown at this point. I am a different human, and as such, it was a different experience.
I used to think Death Note was cool; now I think it is beautiful. I watched it with different eyes and found the details my childhood didn't let me seeâlike the relationship between Light and L. I used to see them as epic rivals destined to outsmart each other in a battle of intellect. Now, I see a heartbreaking story between two kindred spirits who found each other on opposite sides of the chessboard. Two people who felt removed from the world, alone and devoid of connection, finally finding each other only to be separated by their morals and ideologies. It truly broke my heart noticing how L always knew who Light was from the beginning, just as Light recognized L as his only true counterpart until the end, in that last scene on the stairs.
This time, I also had it in me to weep for Near and Mello. I used to resent them. The first time you watch Death Note, itâs hard not to fall in love with L. He is the likable, eccentric heartbeat of the series and he is, in essence, the hero. Unlike Light, he doesnât let his intellect separate him from what is right, and he holds onto that until the end.
In this rewatch, I couldnât help but wonder: why didnât he just kill Light? He was certain Light was Kira, and by the midpoint of the series, he had abandoned most restrictions in favor of the greater good. He could have easily devised a plan to kill Light without a Death Note, and with Light gone, dealing with Misa would have been childâs play. But he doesn't. He puts his head down and implies he understands Lightâs motivations. He surrenders and gives way to his heirs to play the game on his behalf, losing the battle of wits but determined to win the ideological war.
It was hard to let go of L the first time, and it was just as hard the second. I still wanted L to appear in his crouched position, eating expensive pastries and making Light bend over backward to elude him. I longed for it, and this time I also noticed Light longed for it too after Lâs fate was sealed. Itâs not surprising that Mello and Nearâs replacing L felt offensiveânot only to Light but to the audienceâand that was only soothed by the concept of everything being planned by L in the end.
It was a surprise, however, to fall in love with them this time around. Near and Melloâs relationship is what brings the series home. They are beautifully crafted double mirrors of Light and L. Two people from the same place, built from the same material, yet they approach in life is vastly different. It felt like a dangerous recipe for history to repeat itself, until the author showed us what happens when two great minds let go of their ego and join together for the greater good.
When the series ended, I thought of something I hadn't before: Near must have been incredibly lonely from then on.
Isnât that what began it all? Wasnât Ryuk so bored and alone that he sparked the light that would consume an entire world?
All of this is to say: what a masterpiece. Iâm sure there are many details Iâm still missing, many characters Iâm not giving the right spotlight, and many gifts hidden inside this show that Iâm just not ready to see yet. Thatâs okay. Itâs as good an excuse as any to watch it again.
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