Late September, 1800
En route to Berlin
Lucy’s focus had retreated to a singular point, a single point of light amidst the turmoil of waves, of horses, of strange beds. The boat rocked as she slept, waking her in the utter blackness of her berth, and the light remained. Singular and bright, held only in her mind. Her hand fell to her swollen stomach, palm flat against a kick. Home.
She would believe it so much that it came true.
Frances was different, but less different than Lucy expected.
Marriage had felt like a rebirth to her, a baptism separating her life before and her life after. She was no longer Lucy Needham of Edinburgh, but instead Princess Lucy of Potsdam. It felt, occasionally, as though she were slipping into a life crafted for a mirror image, a woman with her same measurements, similar tastes, but not her.
Lucy watched the new couple from across the small dining room. Olivia was a pleasant dining partner, she did not expect to be entertained. It left Lucy open to watch, mindlessly placing roast chicken on her tongue.
She was still Frances, to the tips of her fingers. Not for the first time, Lucy wondered how she did it.
The only time she felt at home was with Sebastian.
Lucy exhaled as they stepped off the boat, wincing as the earth stubbornly insisted upon swaying. It was a cruelty, arriving back to solid ground to find it mutable and transient. With a heavy swallow, she crossed the dock and accepted help into the waiting carriage.
As the horses kicked into motion, nausea swept over her. The road became uneven within minutes.
Focus, said the quiet voice in her mind. White light drowned out the trees.
Days blurred. Lucy had never once, not even by accident, considered herself a submissive sort. The loss of her autonomy worried her when she lingered on the thought for too long. But she was submissive then: she stayed with Isla, or Frances, or the physician, and she ate her meals with vegetables first and not so much meat as to imbalance her.
Her companions felt transient, figures that she spoke to through glass. Frances, especially, though Lucy did not feel a tinge of sadness at the thought. She enjoyed watching her, blonde and lithe and imperious. They were foils more than they were similar. Marriage wore well upon Frances, and that made Lucy smile.
She found herself talking to her only true companion as the day stretched long over the carriage. Light came into it, slanted. Isla dozed. She spoke as though she had some authority, narrating to her baby where they were, and what it looked like, and what it meant for her -- for the baby -- for them. They were in Prussia, now. Their country.
Rain delayed their progress by two days, and slowed it by four.
The last night held them less than ten miles outside Berlin, Olivia demanding a stop. Lucy woke from a light dream to find her carriage halted.
The rain pelted the top of her carriage, Lucy poking her head out the flap in the door. Just beyond, oil lamps burned brightly, beckoning her in. Olivia’s face was in shadow.
“It is late,” said the Queen. “It would be better for us--” there was a hardness in her eyes, a silent reminder of their agreement. Lucy had promised. “--to rest.”
The princess set her jaw, determination within her.
She felt her heart twist in ache, the thought of another night alone more than she could bear.
She had been relentless, refusing all else, even her own preferences in the hope of getting home. It was within reach. Rain was only water, and the weather had not turned bitter. The wind swept, and promised a change.
A long moment passed, the two locked in a conversation neither sound nor light could catch.
The door to Lucy’s carriage swung open, rain pelting her skirt. The Queen climbed inside.
The lamps were low, staff scattered at the arrival. The rain had only worsened as they drove closer, until it torrented, gusting sideways as the carriage pulled to a stop. A man was halfway up the curved staircase before Lucy’s feet hit the ground.
“Wait.” She said. “Do not--” Sebastian was here. Here, within her own measure to reach. “Do not wake him.”
Isla pulled a sponge over Lucy’s skin, washing away nights of half-sleep, days in a carriage, forever on the road. Her hair fell down, past her shoulders, auburn waves unbraided. She undressed, dressed again. Somewhere in the middle, her hands began to shake.
The bedroom was dark, rain hitting the windows in a waterfall.
Lucy stopped just past the threshold, the door pulled shut behind her. Even in the darkness, he was golden, peaceful, perfect.
Tears coated her cheeks like rain to the cobblestones. Lucy could not say how long she stood, staring.
The mattress was soft, and accepted her with ease. His hand was warm between her own. She could not wake him, could not find the words to do it, the thing to say.
So instead, she slipped between the quilt, tugged an untouched pillow beneath her head. His ring drew a glimmer of light as she drew his hand to her chest, tucking it beneath her chin.
Home. She thought. The baby did not kick, but turned, pressure changing against her abdomen. We are home.