vogue x minimalistic @luhstering - Tumblr Blog

I Never Understood It

Let me start off by saying this, I should be studying. But I’m not and instead I’m typing this. I am typing as if someone is reading this, but no one is for the love of God lol. I guess seeing the last time I wrote something out like this, it helps to resort my feelings/emotions. But rereading my last post has triggered some unwanted feelings. So I’m thinking, should I continue? Or should I suffer through this pain I’m feeling?

Once again, this post is about my boyfriend, Quan.

Today is June 23rd, 2019. Our anniversary is on August 15th, 2018. So we’re almost to our one year! It’s exciting and fun... that is until the inevitable arguments come around.

Before we made things official, I was taking Calculus 1 in summer 2 --which is basically a 4 weeks course that you can take--. Imagine just leaving your previous relationship of roughly 2 years and a half, to talking to this new guy about how stressed you are in Calculus (~not the best way to keep a guy LOL). Anyway, like I had mentioned, I was stressed and one weekend he had came over to hang out with me and he had a surprise for me.

Oh, was I surprised.

It was one of those boxes you can grab at the UPS store. It was a medium sized box. Written on it with his not-so-great handwriting were of the following:

“To: Tiffany Vo <3 From: Q”

I was confused. I didn’t know what to expect. I had opened the box in front of him and my little sister, Angel.

At last...

It was one of those comfort boxes, where he had gotten me my favorite snacks, candies, cute notes of his words of encouragement. I was flustered, not because his idea was cute, but because I felt a wash of guilt. I knew I couldn’t have accepted the gift. It was too nice of a gift.

“Oh my GOD. Look at how much candy and chips are in here!” my little sister exclaimed.

Quan was smiling and looking at me while Angel was squealing and asking if I would share with her.

I froze. The word “uncomfortable” and “embarrassed” was written all over my face. And that’s when I saw it. His face. Just a second ago, it was lit with joy and happiness, and now “embarrassed” was drowning out HIS face.

I finally mustered the words, “Aww. That’s so sweet of you. Thank you so much, but I really can’t accept this.” Of course he insisted that I keep it. But in order to make me feel better, he had said that it would be fine if I were to throw away the things. He just wanted to do something nice for me.

It’s been a while...

Welp. I didn’t know that today will be the day that I randomly log back into my tumblr. December 15th, 2018. Hm. Well... this will be interesting.

(A little side note) To be quite honest, I’m shocked that there’s still a good amount of users on here. I remember the good ‘ole days where I wanted to be featured on #fuckyeahsexyasians page. Ah, and how could I forget? The days where my parents would walk into my room, porn would pop up on my feed at such a remarkable time as would my phone freeze. Oh by the way, my parent’s talk with me was very lovely. Anyway, onto the main point....

I guess I just needed a place to type down my thoughts. Mind you I have a finsta, but the topic that I’ll be discussing about has to do with my current boyfriend, Quan.

Like I’ve expressed earlier, my boyfriend follows my finsta account and I have absolutely no problem with that. However, the only thing is, I like to write down my raw thoughts and feelings about Quan without him hearing/seeing what I have to say. Plus, I find it rather odd if I were to spill out to certain people that I’m not close with of my unconditional love for him. But alas, here I am typing this at 1:21AM to post to this side of the world. How hypocritical of me to say. Ironic.

Quan has heard me talk very highly of him countless of times before. But, for this one time, I rather that he doesn’t know what I have to say, at least for right now perhaps. What I have to say isn’t necessarily bad about him, however once he had voiced out his opinion, I felt a bit upset.

Recently he has told me that he feels that he loves me more than I love him (Oof, that stinged like a bitch) action-wise though. Let me give y’all (yes I’m from the yeehaw state, don’t judge) some background information before I proceed. He had a not-so-great reputation in the past. Apparently, he was considered a “fuckboy” and “an asshole.” Lovely words. I know. Anyway, I never knew about him during this time, but since we’ve been together, his close friends has told me that Quan is a changed man now.

Though I will never see the man he was before, I also will never see the difference as well. Not that I need to see the difference in the before and after, but the fact that he’s fallen in love and changed is definitely something I’ve questioned “why?” multiple times. He still hasn’t told me why he loves me, but rather reassured me that because he loves me, he’s the only person that can understand why he loves me. I’ll admit though, hearing that definitely made me feel better. But... then a sense of dread came over me. My chest started to feel heavy. Odd, isn’t it? That before you’re able to make sense of how and why you’re feeling a certain way, you can feel the physical hurt?

As a kid, I’ve been used to the feeling of that physical pain. And for a while, unfortunately, I would want to feel that pain. Why? Because I always felt like I deserved it. That I was unworthy to get to know. Why bother with me when there could be someone better out there for you? I’m not that special. What is even special about me? More importantly, how could you even love someone like me? And then I’ve asked the question to myself: What happens when someone you love admits their love to you, when you don’t even love yourself?

To begin, most healthy-minded individuals would feel comfort and happy when hearing these words. However, with my mind, the vicious cycle of pessimistic thoughts would continue at such lengths.

margaretzhang

[World Oceans Day]

The step that every environmental campaign misses is appreciation precedent to the conservation. We focus so heavily on the facts at hand (meaningless in isolation) that we forget to plead with the sympathies of what we have to lose (which is everything).

[excerpt from IN THE YOUTH OF OUR FURY foreword]