Sem título

[livethroughth1ss]

girl activity: read my dark vanessa every time something goes wrong

[luluvlana]

DAMN THIS BOOK IS PERSONAL ASF TO ME

Well. Im re-reading my dark vanessa by kate elizabeth russll. I readed at the furst time when i was around 12 or 14yo. And now im reading again after passed by some SA and one of them including my math teacher who was 70yo and i was 15yo and a boy that was 17yo and i was 15/16yo and this two abuses to me descobre-se perfectly a combo for what Strane is. The ghosting, the tests, the fetishs, the pedo, the grooming,the touch. Everything in this book. Im like im 17% and im so attached to it emotionally because it feels like its from inside of me and putted on paper looks like the author readed my diary and made vanessa because the trauma response, the abuser behavior, some events,everything is kust the same as the abuses i suffered and its maming me so attached and triggered and happy and hraling all at the same time and revolting too and AAAAAAAAAAA i coul make a whole essay about each detail in this book and i pretend to do it because honestly i need to make it perosnal and explain because even the little phrases has a lot of healing and guilty and i feel everything that vanessa feels and thinks and writes. Damn

[luluvlana]

zuicide maybe

im thinking about it now. Would be good. I would stop to suffer. My mom wouldnt have to worry about me anymore,my grandparents wouldnt have expends with me, no one will really care about me enough to care because people are so selfish and im tired of always think about them before they think about me. Im tired. Im so much tired.

[luluvlana]

7 abuses

Well my history teacher had stranger behaviors when i was in middle school,like call me her daughter,give me money, make innaprorpiate jokes about the boys in my class and be too close to me.

That boy..it wasnt consensual to me and didnt have even an aftercare

The math teacher..he was 70yo,i didnt ask for that, now its occuring the legal consequences

The old man in bus that touched my ass and later said sorry and touched my arm just like my last abuser used to touch

Other old man in a bus that putted his hand on my pocket,was fixated looking at me, laughed and was joking very stranger

someone i thogut was my friend online and that later while i was regressed statted to talk about romantic things with me and ask for perosnal info and pics

When I was playing a card games on plato and regressed and an old man from indonesia sended on chat that wanted to have sex with me even after i clarify i was minor and he said other disgusting stuff i reported his profile and blocked him

And after this all, im still 17yo.

[luluvlana]

he said it was consensual

CNC without safeword and aftercare its just non consensual even if I consented (manipulated). I have to repeat it to me to don't blame me bevause he said it was consensual because i consented and disnt tell him that i wanted to stop but i knew the entire time that if I didn't he would ghosting me. I tried to set safeword 2 times before this traumatic event and in the two he ignored me and things happened on his way. CNC,somno and free use, this three things together without any aftercare. He said something disgusting, he jerked off, then later i think we did foot fetish with pics and he jerked and cummed again. Without no one aftercare. And it makes me so so mad because he was older than me he was the responsible and even that he admitted the guilty now it doesnt make things better because it traumatized me so much that i cant talk ou feel any touch or topic related to sexual or intimacy more than kiss on cheek.

[luluvlana]

bad friend

I asked my friend to go home with me a day before the hearing against my second abuser because i needed her support. She said no because she was going home with her boyfriend. They go home together everyday. Im not worth of nothing.

[luluvlana]

can i considerate him the 3th abuser?

an old man on bus. I stand up and he sited on the sit I was. I felt something in my ass looked like his leg. He toiched my arm and said sorry. He touched my arm the same way my second abuser (my ex-teacher) used to touch.

[luluvlana]

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

no it was not casual when you didnt give me a safeword and just said that would like to r@p3 me anytime, anywhere even if i was sleeping. And also was not casual when you made me feel that you just care about me if I sexualized me for you. I was 15yo, i didnt know how to say no because i thought you were my friend. I was idiot.

[luluvlana]

talk with my first abuser

I talked with him on the last day of school, it was thursday day 5

At first i was trembling, i coudlnt look at him and i was suttering and i almost cryed. He was listening well and all..he looked guilty like apologize. Later i vomited and talked with him in the spare class and he apologized but also said in a way that i dunno i just felt like he was guilting me. I dunno. I hate it. I still hate him. I still feel me dirty the entire time. He said that was struggling with mental health in the time when happened the abuse and that he didnt know that I ft me bad and all.. I just dont want to talk about it and i hate to feel me that i overexagerated it. He made me feel like this. I felt me guilty for feel me abused.

[luluvlana]

reveal

I told my friend that his friend (my first abuser) did shit with me and my friend took my side. I was worried that no because this friend is a man and we know that men protect men..

[luluvlana]

I still cant feel me safe

[luluvlana]

Feeling little but still remembering bad things. :(. Just wanted be protected. I hate see my two abusers everyday at school. Baby needs be princess alone forever or with plushie that walk and hug baby needs hug

[luluvlana]

healing maybe

The teacher (my second abuser) was reproted by me to my mom and she was in school and all. Now he doesn't teach my class anymore and it already let me better and we will do everything to don't let him hurt anyone like he hurted me

[luluvlana]

once I fix me he is gonna miss me

I was "healing" Well until he offers me lanche at lanche time like if I forgived him while I'm still aTTAUMATIZEDA I HATE HIM

[luluvlana]

vacation

i hate vacations, im skipping meals, not organizing routine and cant ourt of bed. im so exausthed and even the way a man in bus smiled to me troggered me because i remembered of how my math teacher smiled while he was SA me. i hate think about forgive my first SAer i hate trhow upo i hate tremble i hate be scared i hate losed my teenhood my girlhood my fuckj m,agic cube bro

[guess-who-relapsed]

[luluvlana]

Me

[luluvlana]

dirty and doubt

feeling dirty after hypersexualize remmebering what he said. I hate him. And the other too. I ahte how i trusted them. I was supposed to feel me safe with them. The first was my male friend and second its still my math teacher. I hate need to cope it all alone withour support because everyone of my friends act like:"omg i feel sorry but GET UP HEAL" and om not heal unril i need my time and no one looks truly want to hear me or help me :(