I'm not sure —where should I start?
I'm back after showering.
Remember a mantis I talked about days ago?
It climbed on to my foot and almost punch me with its legs. I scream but my very dear partner was out at the balcony to smoke a cigarette.
I cried for hours from late 4 AM to early 6 AM. I confronted him about his behaviors, blah blah blah.
Well, I finally let it out. I cannot HAVE SEX with him anymore. And what he tried to make out with me. I felt "intellectual sexually abused" Because....
Okay, I offered.... unless my health is better. So, I might reconsider about intimacy.
Having a boyfriend but rarely kiss and sex.
You know, the weight on my shoulders is heavy.
My teeth, my eye, my face, and my body.
I did the ritual and he ruined it. He went in without knocking. He jokes about I worship some deity. What the hell? It's experiment!
If the deities are real, they are just higher species humanoid version. Nobody knows.
After his jest, he tries to touch me.
The weirdest part is he went in when I already finished recite about the partner looool
I didn't continue the ritual. Blow off the light and consume two black Mokala at the same. Geez, first time hahaha
I'm not sure, this will affect the result. Because usually I eat one and another one follow. But this time, two at the same time in my mouth.
I was on phone with my bestie. Thankfully, he answered the call. We talked for hour and he was actually heal me. I was upset and crying. He shared some of his sex life AGAIN lmao
How is this friendship work that one is a hoe and one is a bomb? 🤣
While, I was on call with him. My older cousin — he walked passed the room I was.
Then he walked back and asked me
"Are you crying in there?"
He tries to light up the mood outside.
I didn't lie 🤥 because I was crying. It was a past tense. He asked, right after I talked with my bestie. So, my mood was slightly better at that time.
I cried because of my partner's behavior....3-4 hours separated into two times.
Whenever, I feel .... overwhelmed or deep into my thoughts (negatively)
I would always end up clipping my nails.
Oh, lucky me! It didn't work well. I clipped too deep. Now, I have to wear a plaster on it.
What should I do next? This month is so heavy. I discovered this and that ...
And my ritual is ruined. I intended to run experiment to December.
1. Keep running an experiment. Even though, he becomes aware of my next move.
3. Keep running an experiment, but do it low-key without setting.
My knee is also hurt now. I walked to a stainless foldable table without checking the path clearly. I was deep in my own thought. He doesn't have his own time to clean the house. THE HOUSE this is not even his.
I'm gonna pursue a master degree. If everything turned out that I was wrong, I wouldn't believe or trust in theories (including those science theories) anymore!
I will be a cold-hearted girl ever.
Unless, the "variance" crash into in the right time.
I secretly hope, this will not end up as coping mechanism.
