Sides of me.

I'm the one you thought you knew.

[lunatic-me]

The best feeling on earth is to see you sleeping safe and sound in your bed at the end of the day, surrounded by pillows and soft blankets.

[lunatic-me]

"We've got what we wanted."

This is what we wanted, crystallized into this shape of a tiny human falling asleep in our arms, still having fever and on the way to see doctor.

Thank you for recovering so fast on my birthday. I'm thankful that you are well. You are the biggest gift anyone can give me.

[movielosophy]

Joy of Life 2 | Slipped.

[lunatic-me]

Another funny thing is, he's supposed to be "super sick" 🤣

[lunatic-me]

Súp Lơ ơi why do you grow up so fast?

Time passes slow and fast at the same time. Slow because it seemed like so many things happened, I got to see so many changes in you. But also too fast because there's not enough time...

[lunatic-me]

Súp Lơ ơi, I love you so much. I just wanna hug you but you are not interested :(

I want to protect you, I want you to always be happy and healthy and never have to suffer a day in your life. I want to shield you from any misery.

But life is not simple you know. One day you will grow up and grow out of my protection. You will enter the society and I want you to understand that not everyone has your best interest at heart. Not everyone is nice. I don't wish for you to experience it but it's life. I will always love you though. My baby

[fuckyeahchinesegarden]

persimmon trees in winter

[girlfictions]

and let the history books name joe biden, rishi sunak, justin trudeau, emmanuel macron, ursula von der leyen and every other world leader who did not step in to prevent the genocide of palestine as cold-blooded murderers. may they face a shred of the immeasurable pain and suffering they allowed to be committed against 2.2. million innocent lives.

[lunatic-me]

Today as I was holding my baby, I thought about the horrific suffering of countless Palestine mothers.

I remember that in Harry Potter, his mother was able to save him because she sacrificed her life for him and in the process, casted a protection spell on him.

I can't help but wonder how many mothers in this world would desperately wish to be able to have that magic, to be able to trade their life for their babies.

[lunatic-me]

To My Sup Lo

The other day your dad suddenly mentioned that you probably will love toasts growing up, because these weekend rituals have created happy memories for you. When I heard that, I teared up. Because I suddenly think, one day all you have left of us is gonna be just memories. Would you miss us baby? Would you remember us whenever you eat toast?

It's getting more consistent now, the way your face light up and bloom into a huge smile whenever you see me. Those are some of my favourite moments. You were beaming. Your smiles are so pure.

[lunatic-me]

It's creeping up to me again now. The feeling of lost, the anxiety, the fear of uncertainty, the sadness of feeling left behind, the shame of not being able to live up to expectation, of not being as good as everyone else.

By right by now I should be mature enough to be able to shrug it off. But I'm still that same insecure girl years ago. I thought I've got better, but the change with the whole industry and all the talk around attribution made me feel disillusioned. I don't think I'm fit for marketing anymore. I need something else, but I don't know what it is.

Mid life crisis indeed.

[lunatic-me]

It's been a long day. I'm slowly sinking into a dark place.

But it's ok if I calm down and take 1 step at a time.

I can do it again.

[lunatic-me]

You were 1 day old and then 1 week old and now the app told me you are 10 days old.

Insane. The days were incredibly long but also short.

I'd thought of doing sth fun for your 1 week old day. Then I'd thought of doing sth for your first new year day.

Both days went by and I barely had time to sleep. I barely have time for this post.

But let it be known that you have really funny expressions. That I love you so much but sometimes you were so difficult. That I'm grateful for the 2 of you.

What will 2023 bring? It's full of uncertainties, and I'm not a fan of uncertainties. I'm always a ball of anxiety. And 2023 is like playing life on Hard mode.

I always play games on Easy mode. Go easy on me please?

[lunatic-me]

You are now officially 1 week into this world. How has your stay been so far? It must have been scary and tiring. You may not be aware, but you have your dad and I and our family and friends. We will do our best to take care of you. You will grow, you will be the healthiest and happiest baby.

We love you very much. So much. So very much.

And I can't wait for you to grow enough to know.

[lunatic-me]

It's been such a long day. I started my day before 6AM and until now I still can't sleep. Couldn't sleep during the day as well, I kept drifting in and out of my sleep, waking up at the fainted sound.

Such a long long day.

I can't believe it's just day 1. This day packs a punch. It was so intense. It was chock full of emotions.

I can't believe it's finally here.

You are , without a doubt, so beautiful.

I remember hearing your cry without seeing you. And at that moment I couldn't stop my tears. It's not even just "pure happiness" like what many people say.

When I hear your cry, I thought to myself, "she's here. She's real. Very very real. I can even hear her cry. She's finally entering my world, crying. And I will be responsible for her. I brought her into this world full of uncertainties, I will protect her and guide her"

Ain't nothing like that avalanche of thoughts and emotions.

[lunatic-me]

I think right now I have a lot of doubts. That all those positive quotes, all those "things will be fine", "you are loved", "you are better than you think" tumblr posts are mostly just BS written by some romantic teenagers who barely get to experience life, who don't understand that life doesn't get better just because time passes and things change. Things sure change, but not always for the better. And things sure change, but your situation doesn't always change, if you do nothing about it.

It's just reality.

Also, am I better than what I think?

I know I suffer from crippling imposter syndrome, that much is true, and I am aware of it. But I also know I'm nowhere so good as some people say. It is nice and sweet of them to try to balance my self doubts.

But maybe this is what i need:

Lazy and unimaginative

Somehow it comforts me. To be called out like that was a slap in the face but it also helped me to make peace with myself.

And I do know that I'm getting better. Until now I still do not have any big vision in mind. No life goals of sort (maybe I should start thinking about it). But I am getting better and that comforts me.

Maybe that's my life goals. Just keep improving myself. Not just in the career or professional sense. But just knowing that I'm becoming a better version of myself. More mature, more understanding, more loving, more happy.

2. Just experience life. Don't take it too seriously.

Or just accept life as series of lessons.

[lunatic-me]

I really did not know why the news that I'm leaving would affect some people that much, like Ams and S. They themselves say they don't know why, but they were so impacted.

there are certain people, their presence around - there's no need of working together/no need to meet up or talk too frequently, but simply being there somewhere is enough. That presence will be enough to make you calm and focused, and make you feel that, things will be fine. Nothing will be too wrong. And you are that person for me in Sephora. I will definitely miss you

I really did not know. I do have some people to look up to , who make me feel assured, but I did not know I myself have that kind of influence. So thank you for sharing. The past 2 years, I've been through so much up and down (more down than up), self doubts, anxiety, fear, depression (not like they have stopped and I'm all good now...), but I was concerned whether I affect people around me with negative energy. I'm glad I didn't.

[lunatic-me]

It is surprising that someone I don't work with directly, could teach me so much for such a short time. Too bad I'm leaving soon. I hope my new place will have similar people who can teach me a lot. I thought we would have got along well.

But also reading that post was like a slap in the face. It was harsh but true, and necessary.

Lazy and unimaginative

Somehow this is what I needed to hear, to walk out of the comfort zone and start from scratch. More than all the positive affirmations.

Just remember not to give up on trying. I can get tired, and I can rest, but not give up.

At least I'm taking steps. Baby steps, but they are still steps.

Doing my best.