find energy in words @lunatwix - Tumblr Blog

hi there.

wow it’s been a couple of years since i’ve seen you. how’ve you been? how’s your heart doing? mine’s okay. sort of. it feels on the surface fine but drowning inside but i don’t exactly feel it outside type of fine.

i think i may have chipped my tooth. maybe. i don’t know. but it kind of happened as i was rolling pistachios in my mouth, while i tried to eat just the skin off but not the nut itself, you know. my oral fixation is really bad these days, and i think my ed might be coming back just a little bit to join my returning agoraphobic tendencies.

it’s weird to have some of the gang back together. even if they’re getting closer but only in the background. i don’t really want to welcome them again, but i think i might have to if they decide to come and stay. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

i am looking for a therapist to help me feel more comfortable hosting them - should it come to that. there’s 4 i’m looking at right now and i think i feel good about it.

some other things i worry about is getting my new lenses for my eyes, and a job. one that won’t be another catalyst of a downward spiral when it comes to my physical health, like all my other ones.

that aside, my hives are still with me. we’ve grown to be good roommmates, them and i. i think we understand each other well and that made our relationship less turbulent and hostile, although it can get a little prickly here and there still. but it’s nothing we can’t handle. we’ve been living with each other for near 7 years now after all.

other than that, i’m trying to care still. care about myself and everything that comes with caring about a person. my family and friends suffer the most every time and i really can’t run away from the guilt that my life comes with. and guilt is the one person i really don’t know how to be friends with still. guilt still feels too much like a foe, or a once lover turned... something else. and i don’t know how to exist with them around without wanting to throw my life away to be solely with them.

so needless to say, life for me isn’t too unfamiliar from when we last met. but it is at the same time. i’m still struggling to breathe, and i ache. but i’d like to think i’ll die trying. and maybe that’s alright.

anyhow. it looks like i’ll be here to visit for a little bit.

thank you for having me.

#self

often times, i’m still crippled by fear and failure, and guilt. i don’t feel some days, and when i do, it’s sadness and anxiety. so tittering between both has been hard to manage. i’ve accepted that as something that will accompany me for a long time, and that’s okay. i’m trying to learn how to live beside it, though i forget that’s what i’m trying to do sometimes. being aware and conscious of what i need help for and then asking for help is one thing i still need improvement on,

but mostly it’s realistically looking at myself and admitting what i can and cannot do anymore. i’m not saying that i can’t do anything, it’s just,

i always want to be able to do everything, but i can’t do what i used to handle anymore. it’s unrealistic. i can’t carry 100kg again if i haven’t worked out for a year due to injury. i’m not saying i can’t get to that level again, i suppose it’s more like my training has to change.

i used to hate it, even now. i can’t reach that same bar i set before, and i’ve been trying to get back up to my old record. i thought to myself that i can’t scrap that, start fresh, and make a new one, i can’t set the bar lower. if i do, i gave up too easily, i didn’t try hard enough, i didn’t want it bad enough, i didn’t believe in myself, i was lazy.

for the past 2-3 years, i wanted to prove i still could. i thought, it’s fine if i can’t pick up 100kg as quick, as efficiently, in the same exact way that i used to. if i just did it slowly and kindly, i could still get there. but everything i’m familiar with, it doesn’t work anymore. and i ended up injuring myself further.

i’ve decided that i should try something else: admitting and grieving what i lost.

it’s okay, heart. it’s okay that you can’t finish what you started. you’re not in the same place anymore. you lost your limbs, which is fine too, but you’ve been in denial as though you still have them.

#self #latepost #i should really put the dates down because i don't remember when i wrote this #still relevant though haha

pussiesaregod

the reason i like staying up late so much is because between the hours of 1am-5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything from me. i could stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. it’s so silent and calm. i love it

#morning #fave #thoughts #expectations #this is so true for me

ilovebrucewillis

lunatwix

The Earth’s clouds reflecting moonlight, creating a faint, reddish glow at a beach in northern France. Beyond the clouds lie cosmic dust and star clouds of the Milky Way. The constellation Sagittarius can be seen peaking above the horizon and Jupiter is shining visibly on the right, amongst the stars of the Scorpius constellation.

Photo credit & copyright: Laurent Laveder (July, 2007)

#morning #pink #orange #purple

mitten

♡ follow @devin.nyc on instagram ♡

#bodies #blurred

deeplovephotography

#blurred #rooms #cozy #pink #purple #orange

i came here to write something but i don’t really know what to jot down. so i’m just going to keep typing out my thoughts anyway because, thoughts are still thoughts. they still help somehow anyway. the latest post i had before i visited tumblr again was “people who don’t express themselves die a little at a time,” or something like that. and i definitely feel that. i feel so... full. and i want to feel more relaxed, more or less, relatively empty. but not in a bad way just. less of a need to burst, or feel like i’m going to explode.

i think this is good for now. this served the purpose that it was supposed to.

thanks. off to bed now.

#self