hi there.
wow it’s been a couple of years since i’ve seen you. how’ve you been? how’s your heart doing? mine’s okay. sort of. it feels on the surface fine but drowning inside but i don’t exactly feel it outside type of fine.
i think i may have chipped my tooth. maybe. i don’t know. but it kind of happened as i was rolling pistachios in my mouth, while i tried to eat just the skin off but not the nut itself, you know. my oral fixation is really bad these days, and i think my ed might be coming back just a little bit to join my returning agoraphobic tendencies.
it’s weird to have some of the gang back together. even if they’re getting closer but only in the background. i don’t really want to welcome them again, but i think i might have to if they decide to come and stay. i’m not sure how i feel about that.
i am looking for a therapist to help me feel more comfortable hosting them - should it come to that. there’s 4 i’m looking at right now and i think i feel good about it.
some other things i worry about is getting my new lenses for my eyes, and a job. one that won’t be another catalyst of a downward spiral when it comes to my physical health, like all my other ones.
that aside, my hives are still with me. we’ve grown to be good roommmates, them and i. i think we understand each other well and that made our relationship less turbulent and hostile, although it can get a little prickly here and there still. but it’s nothing we can’t handle. we’ve been living with each other for near 7 years now after all.
other than that, i’m trying to care still. care about myself and everything that comes with caring about a person. my family and friends suffer the most every time and i really can’t run away from the guilt that my life comes with. and guilt is the one person i really don’t know how to be friends with still. guilt still feels too much like a foe, or a once lover turned... something else. and i don’t know how to exist with them around without wanting to throw my life away to be solely with them.
so needless to say, life for me isn’t too unfamiliar from when we last met. but it is at the same time. i’m still struggling to breathe, and i ache. but i’d like to think i’ll die trying. and maybe that’s alright.
anyhow. it looks like i’ll be here to visit for a little bit.
thank you for having me.












