SELF PARA FOR THE MUSE: PARK SEOL-JU.
Featuring: Yours cutely, LIM CHE-RI.
Honourable mentions: JAEWOO (@ the cosmicsens), MOON JAEHYUN.
“The results are in?” “I think so! Wait, they are!” “Who do you think is first?” “I’ll be damned if it’s not Chief Kim.” “That’s just because you have a thing for him.” “Shut up! Are you crazy? Talking loud like that, somebody might hear you.” “You’re not denying it.” “I’m not confirming it either! Don’t be a bitch, Sohee.” “I’m just messin with you. Oh, this way. Let’s go. Oh, there’s Park!” “That’s a haggard look if I’ve ever seen one, do you think she failed? She might have seen the results already.”
Haggard, what was that supposed to mean? One foot in front of the door, dragging her feet across the pristine clean hallways of SNU’s Hospital, Park Seol-ju stared right ahead as she made her way forward, her one and only goal to see if she had passed or failed her exams. One year ago, if someone asked her just how ambitious she was about her exams, she would have said, right off the bat: I’m going to be top of the class, mark my words. Top of the class. She could only scoff at the idea. Perhaps Sohee and Eunju were right, perhaps Chief Kim was number one. On the top of the world. He might have climbed there just so that he could continue looking down at the masses - at the small following of nurse, intern and resident fans he had acquired based on his stereotypically handsome looks, at the juniors who only wished they could be like him. If she was on top of the world, Seol-ju wondered, what would she do? There was no fanbase to look down upon, and she was certain that among her juniors there was only a small gaggle of individuals who might see something worth admiring inside of her.
“Oh, my God, look at that!” somebody gasped.
“Chief Kim! Congratulations,” somebody added. In her peripheral vision, Seol-ju caught Chief Kim being embraced by one of their colleagues, to which Kim responded by putting an arm back around his fellow doctor - was that Lee Myungsoo congratulating, Seolju thought? So he was number one. Taking a deep breath, Seol-ju found herself a spot in the crowd staring at the screens above and started to look for her name, not from the top down as the majority did, but from the bottom up, and as she climbed further without finding her own name, her ears started to ring, her foggy brain taking her back, much against her will, to this same exact moment, years and years ago, when she was looking at placement results of her first year of high school final exams.
Jiwon was number nine. Cheolsoo had not even made it in the top fifty. Taewoo was nearly a tie with number twenty-eight. Soo-ahn was number two. Seol-ju, who had spent days and nights preparing for the exams, eagerly searched for her name and felt a cold wave washing over her when she saw, at number three: PARK Seol-ju. Number three.
“Holy crap!” Jiwon who was right next to her exclaimed. She spun around and yelled, “Hyoju-yah, congratulations!”
Seol-ju looked up at number two: LEE Soo-ahn.
Her ears began to ring. Her heart, heavy, filled with lead, slowed down to a rhythm that was just enough for her to survive. Number one: PARK Hyo-ju. The words kept rushing through her head, at first at the pace of bewildered bees looking for their suddenly lost queen and then slowing down to the pace of her aching heart, sending waves of throbbing pain throughout her chest and abdomen.
“What? You’re kidding, no way!” Hyoju said, craning her neck to look at the screen. “CRAP!”
“Congratulations, Hyoju,” Soo-ahn, who had been on Seol-ju’s other side, said tentatively. Seolju could hear it, the strained tone of his voice, the hesitation as his eyes lingered on the older of the twins. Before walking away, he squeezed Seolju’s forearm, offering her a moment’s worth of gravity, to keep her from drifting out of her very being and into...Outer space, or wherever it would be that the winds of what she thought of as cruel, cosmic fate would take her.
That night, Hyoju and she had a fight. Hyoju had been in the bathroom, combing her freshly washed hair when Seolju approached, saying, “Cheater.”
She watched as Hyoju’s nose and forehead wrinkled in confusion. Hyoju looked at Seolju through the mirror, locking their eyes in a belligerent stare as she asked, “What are you talking about?”
“I saw you copying from Soo-ahn. I wonder what mom and dad would say if I told them that.” Just two hours ago, their parents had bombarded their younger twin with praises and excitement. And nothing but a bland congratulatory wish to their older twin. Pathetic, Seolju thought.
“I wasn’t copying. You’re finally running out of things to accuse me of, huh?” Her comb got stuck in a patch of hair, causing her to hiss through her teeth as she tried to disentangle it.
“I know what I saw. And it’s just the two of us here, Hyoju-yah, you don’t need to pretend.” Taking a step inside, Seolju reached for the scented candle glass and blew it out, sniffing the smoke that came twirling upwards in a vortex of apple and cinnamon.
“Look, if you’re so sure, why don’t you go tell mom and dad, then? Don’t stop there,” the comb finally smoothed through the patch and Hyoju could continue her fight with the left side, finding this one far more agreeable with the brushing. “Go and tell the teachers. The principal. I’m sure they’d love to investigate.”
Seol-ju paused, glancing at her sister. Her cold tone, her blatant lies, tugged at each string of Seolju’s nerves. She wanted, so hard, to grab that comb and pluck out every single strand of Hyoju’s hair. One right after the other. “You know. Maybe I just will do that. Starting with mom and dad.” With the glass in her hand still, Seolju turned around, wondering how she could prove what she had seen, when Hyoju stopped brushing and said, “You’re just mad, aren’t you? That you’re nobody’s number one anymore.”
Seolju stopped in her steps and stared ahead. “What?”
“You’re just mad that I outdid you in something that you’re always so good at.” Hyoju snorted. “Is that it? You’re mad that Jiwon and I got closer, and that Taewoo is not paying so much attention to you, so you’re just taking it out on me.”
Seolju turned around slowly, her eyes bloodshot with anger. She was simmering, and slowly but surely Hyoju was bringing her to a boil. “What. Did you say?” Her hand was squeezing the candle glass, threatening to crush it right between her fingers.
“I said you’re just jealous.”
The glass flew towards Hyoju, missing her head by half a foot. Hyoju screamed as the glass shattered against the bathroom mirror, breaking that too. That night, Seolju was grounded by her parents for the first time. One month of no hanging out with her friends, no television, no comic books, no leisure time whatsoever. She had never got a chance to prove Hyoju had only got to number one because she cheated, either. With an injured hand and a wounded pride, all Seolju could do at that time was simmer with rage.
“You’re just jealous,” Sohee giggled, the tone of her voice a perfect imitation of Hyoju. She turned around and looked at Seolju. “Congratulations, Doctor Park.”
“What?” Seolju asked in a haze as her heart beat increased. She could not find her name. Up and up she went and it was not...any...Where. Wait.
“You’re number two! You and Chief Kim really beat us all.” Sohee exclaimed.
And truly, right under Kim’s name stood: PARK Seol-ju. Number two.
She exhaled. Somebody embraced her from behind, thin arms hanging from her neck. It was Che-ri. The nurse placed a sloppy kiss on Seolju’s cheek.
“Congrats, bitch. I knew you could do it. We’re all going to celebrate tonight, you must come.”
Seolju shook her head and wrinkled her nose. “I’m not sure I’m coming.”
“Don’t be stupid, it’s a party for the Top Ten. Come on, don’t make me go there if you’re not gonna come.”
“Fine,” Seolju sighed and turned around. “I’ll see you tonight then.” As she was walking away, the texted two people:
Private Ahn 🐰 and Ugly Brat💀: I’m number two. I passed. xx
