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lavenderhealing-deactivated2024

By Christine Canty

So many women I know, including myself sometimes, are ashamed of their PMS symptoms.

Even in San Francisco, the most liberal city, women come into therapy and sheepishly confess“I get really bad PMS,” as if it’s a sin or a personal flaw. They want to know how to manage it, how to be less volatile to the people around them. Sometimes PMS is the one octopus leg that they can’t wrestle down, and they think the problem is that they’re not wrestling enough.

Our embarrassment comes out of what’s called “Masculine Normativity”— the cultural belief that normal is male, and what deviates from “male” is abnormal and inferior. Masculine Normativity dictates that women should not have fluctuating moods (as if men don’t!), that we should remain roughly the same temperament week to week, month to month.

Western patriarchy adds to the shaming by insisting that there is a state called “rational”or “intellectual” that is somehow separate from “emotional” and “embodied.”

The core of sexism is this belief that women are supposed to be like men (and the reverse, men should not be like women), and when the myriad of ways that we are not like men become apparent, we are mocked, shamed, and silenced. “It’s just your PMS,” we hear. “You won’t feel this way next week.” (As if that makes it not real this week).

In fact, I’ve noticed that women are afraid of expressing pretty much any emotion because there is a mockery of each one, a caricature of THAT woman or THAT girl that we all try so hard to not be. Love or infatuation means you are silly and naive and easy to take advantage of, or else you are too needy and demanding. Rage and anger means you are a bitch, or a bitter ex. Grief means you are weak. Insistence makes you a nagging girlfriend or wife. These caricatures are all sexist tropes, tools of the patriarchy, aimed at severing a woman’s connection to her own heart and soul and intuition.

The most piercing accusation seems to be that you are PMS-ing. Culturally, that’s just understood as a bad and shameful state. Women go to great lengths to try to manage their PMS, to not have others notice it. They try to stuff their PMS-y feelings down.

Women’s Health Expert Dr. Christiane Northrup has a different take on PMS. She sees it as the MOST important week for a woman. It’s the time to attend and listen to your feelings, she asserts, not the time to explain away, ignore, or tolerate them begrudgingly.

In an interview, Dr. Northrup explained:

What I found years ago was that the women with the most severe PMS were the ones who had suffered the most abuse in childhood. The beauty of the menstrual cycle and our connection with the moon is that it literally connects us with the ebb and flow of creativity. You become very vulnerable, pre-menstrually, to the unfinished business in your life and you suffer to the degree that there is still some unfinished business in your life. Most of the unfinished business in our lives, by the way, just comes down to an iteration of the belief [that] I’m not enough and I’m not loveable.

As Bell Hooks writes:

The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings… When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.

Do you hear it? For four or five glorious and terrible days, women become less able to lie, which means we bring the gift of truth into all of our relationships. And truth is always a gift, even if it is a tearful, angry, splotchy-faced, tirading gift.

When women come into my office in more distress than usual, often I ask where in their cycle they are that week. This is not to shame them, or to suggest their PMS feelings are “not real” and they should hunker down and wait it out—but so we can use those five precious days as a time to see, hold, and mourn. PMS makes us less able to engage our usual defenses, which might mean we are in more emotional pain, but it also gives us a chance to address the very center of what’s wrong, of what has likely been very wrong for many years. PMS lets us, slowly over time, clean out the infection that we work so hard to keep bandaged up the other eighty percent of the time.

Of course, there is certainly a time and place for comforting yourself rather than exploring your feelings, for choosing to do something fun rather than start a fight, for acknowledging that this week you will feel everything at an 11 on the one-to-ten scale and your thoughts should be taken with a grain of salt. Sometimes that’s the right choice. But I do agree with Dr. Northrup that PMS is a gift that allows us to know ourselves more deeply, and to care for ourselves with ever-greater love and compassion.

Honor your PMS. Bring it to therapy. See it for the gift that it is.

luvableanna

Ty for this

lavendermuseums

I understand, we have been so conditioned to track our period, the days that we are in pain & grouchy. PMS & SEXISM

BUT to take control of your own life & direct it in the best direction, I propose you instead start tracking your OVULATION days.

Woman are like water, your sexual heath & desires will ebb & flow just like the ocean. For 2 weeks, everything he does is great, and for two weeks everything he does is irritating the shit out of you.

TODAY WE “LIVE” UNDER RULES that are no longer needed.

Only 50 yrs ago, woman couldn’t reliably have sex and not get pregnant. Not until 35 yrs ago, there was no way to verify who’s child it was.

All the rules about waiting until marriage only exist due to conditions that no longer exists.

When your body reaches sexual maturity, I’m not going to lie to you, you are going to want sex. So instead of staying ignorant about your own sexual cycles embrace it and track it.

There are only 3 days a month, your sexual needs will feel almost uncontrollable. Those hormones WILL BE FLOODING YOUR BODY because it does want you to get pregnant. Humans used to get pregnant at age 16-18 for million of years, but today, we want you concentrate on growing up first.

Keep reading

breezyofficial

hwgaff

52.

Staring ahead of me at the bathroom door, I gasped at the sharp pain that ran through me. I gritted my teeth rubbing my stomach, this cannot be happening. The pain is so severe, placing my hand over my mouth to stop me from crying aloud, moving my hand and taking in a deep breath, I need to calm down and stop crying. I am so scared to get off this toilet, I am shaking. I am so stupid because I knew I was missing a period, I am so sure I am having a miscarriage “Robyn! Oh my god! Robyn. Khari is walking, you need to come out” I jumped at Chris’ voice “oh shit, Robyn!” his voice filled with excitement, swallowing hard “I will be out, just give me a moment” biting my top lip closing my eyes “aww man, you done fell on your ass. I am so proud of you son, you need to walk for your momma man” Chris spoke from outside the bathroom “I can’t believe I got to see you walk, I am so blessed” smiling to myself as I cried silently, so much is happening and I don’t know what to do with myself, I am scared.

Placing my hands over my face, this feeling is not normal, it’s not any normal period pain. I have been so late for my period, like weeks but I thought it’s because I am just stressed “mommy!” hearing Khari shout “yeah, get yo momma out of that bathroom. The hell you doing? You really doing something so stank?” Chris is something else, hearing Khari’ little hands slapping the door “I’m coming out” I said, Chris cleared his throat “but you been in there for a while, are you ok? I saw you in pain and then locked yourself in here” Chris jiggled the door handle, I jumped up from the toilet seat. I couldn’t bring myself to even look in there, I just flushed and closed the seat “I am done” my voice broke, pulling my pants up “wow, Robyn. You crying?” quickly walking over to wash my hands, Chris is about to break that door down now.

Opening the door quickly, Chris stood staring at me. Without warning, a sob choked out from deep within me and it was like a dam broke. Chris placed his hands on my face, walking me back into the bathroom, my vision blurred, and I could feel my chest hitching as I tried to gasp in oxygen “what is wrong?” he wrapped his arm around me, bringing me towards him so that I could weep in his arms “I lost the baby Chris” he still held me against him silently, his silence all so scary. Soon enough my cries quieted down, I found his calm to be unbearable “we lost another baby” I said dully “how do you know?” he finally spoke, his hand on my cheek “I didn’t have a period for so long, I didn’t think anything of it because of everything going on” I am so hurt, this just tops it all off, my life is a shambles and I can’t keep a baby.

I can’t believe she was even pregnant, this is another set-back for Robyn and I feel so sad for her. This is her third one, I have been here for Robyn to build her back up and now this has knocked her back again. Looking down seeing Khari holding my sweat pant leg, he lifted my mobile up “aye, give that back” Robyn stepped back, Khari dropped my phone on the floor “why thank you” leaning down and picking my phone up, looking up and seeing wetness between Robyn legs. Wearing black pants doesn’t really help but this doesn’t look part of the pants, touching between Robyn’ thighs “what you doing?” Robyn said, touching the wetness and moving my hand back “Robyn you bleeding, you not put anything on” the look of shame fell on Robyn’ face “it’s cool, honestly. You want me to get something for you? I’ll get some new pants and call the doctor ok? Everything is going to be ok” Grabbing Khari arm to get him off my leg, walking over to wash my hands “Chris” Robyn sobbed out, drying off my hands “I’m here, just lets’ get you cleaned up ok? I am not going anywhere” she nodded, picking up Khari from the floor.

Waiting for Robyn to leave the bathroom so we can go to the doctors “you done chose the wrong time to walk Khari” shaking my leg nervously, I wish this never happened to her. She deserved this pregnancy and she deserved to be a mother again, I just feel like am not enough for her to support her but I will try my best. This baby would have been the best thing for her but I guess not, staring at the bathroom door. Getting my phone out of my pocket, I need to speak to someone. Dialling my mom’ number but Robyn walked out of the bathroom so I disconnected the call quickly “come on beautiful” getting up from the bed “don’t Chris, I am just such a mess. I can’t even hold a child, what is wrong with me?” her words hurt me, she is blaming herself for something she couldn’t have stopped at all “stop this” Robyn shook her head “I lost three babies! How you think I feel” sighing heavily “and I have been there for all three! I know the feeling too, they were my babies too” Robyn’ face fell, I been through this journey with her.

The doctor saw us straight away when we walked in “did you have any suspicion that you might have been Robyn?” her doctor said “I was late for my period, I didn’t feel anything to know I was pregnant” Robyn’ doctor gestured her to lay down “I have spoken to you about this, you are very much prone to miscarriages since you have had two. Your age affects this too, we shall see what is happening but you need to be careful. Your body can only go through so many miscarriages, this is a lot of emotion that your body goes through” he doesn’t sound happy “did you see anything different?” he asked me “her emotions were everywhere, she ate a lot and I did notice she was getting more spots and her face was getting chubby. I thought she was comfort eating, we have been going through some things. She never told me her periods were missing, I would have said something then” the doctor nodded “understandable, and women tend to keep a lot away from their husbands. If you please lay down, we can see what is happening” Khari was looking around in shock, I done put him in a stroller, I can’t deal with him everywhere right now.

The doctor remained silent as he did a scan “same situation as before Robyn, empty sack. I am sorry to tell you this but you was pregnant, from what I can see you was looking like going on eight weeks” closing my eyes taking in a deep breath, I didn’t think I would have felt like this but I do. I feel like shit, this is fucked up “was it my fault?” Robyn choked out “there is no trauma at all, everything looks fine and ready” looking over at the doctor “can stress do it too? I feel like I failed Robyn, I saw signs and things. She’s been through so much and I should have been there” the doctor moved the monitor “it can play a part, it is the most crucial part of the pregnancy. I don’t feel as if you should blame each other” moving my head away from Robyn “Robyn has a healthy womb and there is no doubt she can’t get pregnant but it’s actually keeping the baby, again I would wait. Let your body get over the trauma of loss, I am sorry Robyn” I feel so sad for Robyn, rubbing my eyes.

Robyn sat at the side of me, the doctor walked out to get some tablets for Robyn. I don’t know what to say to Robyn, I failed her too “please don’t tell anybody Chris, I don’t want people to know my failures. That I can’t hold babies” holding on to Robyn’ hand “please stop saying that, you can have babies. We just needed to be more visual, you have been through so much Robyn and I do not blame you. You are so strong” Khari threw his pacifier out, sitting up in his stroller “mommy” Khari held Robyn’ hand “Robyn, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that this has happened” looking at Robyn’ face, biting on her upper lip, her eyes brimming with tears looking at Khari “look at you both” she said as tears fell “I am hurt and upset, I feel like I have failed but looking at you both brings me so much joy” Robyn rested her head on my shoulder, Khari looked on sad “mommy” his lip poked out “I will put this on my momma, I promise that you will have another child” Khari started crying “baby don’t cry” Robyn moved her head “I believe you Chris” Robyn unbuckled Khari out of his stroller and picked him out, made me a smile seeing Khari hugging Robyn close “who am I to be selfish, I do have my prince” Khari moved his head back, Robyn sniffled as a tear fell, Khari placed his hands on Robyn’ eyes, I chuckled “what you doing” I said, he love his mom too much.

Driving back home, the car ride is pretty much silent for the most part “I know you don’t want to hear this but trust me, just like Khari is the blessing we wanted. This child boy or girl will be the biggest blessing. God is testing us, the world is testing us but we will show the world. I love you, I love you the mother of my first born, you are the definition of a woman” looking at the side of me, Robyn giggled blushing “stop it, stop saying nice things. I need to change some ways, I need to appreciate the blessing I have got, look at what I got. My big man and little man that can’t do enough for me, both holding my hand. Like I said Chris, I always come back fighting. Just keep this between us” I appreciate she wants to keep this between us “I love you so much” Robyn reached over placing her hand on my leg “I love you too Chris, my everything” I still feel a little sad about what happened but god got us, he will bless us.