just another teenage girl

dedicated to all forms of writing

[luveluxx]

we can’t ever seem to get the timing right, can we?

[luveluxx]

J

he’s the low hanging bass in a string quartet

he’s a book with a cracked spine

he’s the whip of waves against a cliff side

I think he’s etched in my young life

he’s beckoned to wince and wane

and at times when my fire is all but put out

he ignites it again

I replay moments of him in my head

the words on his lips

his cheek in the palm of my hand

the feeling of his buzz cut beneath my fingertips

I think of the pills he used to deal

the hearts he used to break

the red of his car when we were young

railroad tracks hanging over our heads

I remember his young face

it’s always been worn

but the delicate outline of him is still there

his boyish smile has never truly faded

not when he looks at me

[luveluxx]

maybe we’re two flames meant to burn together until there is nothing more than ash and dust

[luveluxx]

I’ll always say I’m sorry because I am my mother’s daughter.

[luveluxx]

I never want to write for him again, but my pen dispenses both of our blood.

[luveluxx]

Am I sick for wanting it back? I’ve never felt a violence so sweet before.

[luveluxx]

I feel like nobody believes me or understands what happened to me. It feels like everyone pushes it under the rug. But here I am a year later, still remembering his violence.

[luveluxx]

I saw him again for the first time in months. I recognized him just by his hands. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t run away. Then unconsciously, I was brought back to the time when he had me, a feeling I’ve been trying to forget since I left him. I would shake in fear in his presence, wonder what I did wrong, and lay down to die in him. I hate him.

[luveluxx]

I saw him for the creature he was and he decided to linger in shadows instead of letting me nurture the beast that he is

[luveluxx]

he said that when we are old and gray, he demands to go first. I protest for I know my intrinsic soul bound to love and all things good would die with him.

[luveluxx]

suddenly I looked at him and saw the rest of my life. just like this: in the car, his one hand on the wheel, the other holding my hand. our kids asleep in the back seat. something I have never pictured for myself before.

[luveluxx]

when I’m obsessed with a yt guy again so that means mitski is my #1 artist

[luveluxx]

What happens when he finds out I’m more broken than he thinks? Will he run, or will he stay?

[luveluxx]

I’ve been waiting my whole life for somebody to see me. Like really see me. Reach into my soul and touch every dark and light part of me. And you, you do. You reach in with your hand and leave a golden imprint in my life. And together we make a bronze sunrise with my silver hand in you.

[luveluxx]

I hope it was thrilling, enthralled in it all. Just know, I’m not that kind of person. Are you?

[luveluxx]

My knees eventually buckle and next my body lays on the snow o’er the grass we laid. So cold like a never ending nightmare. On the cusp of always pulling away, passing through, but I am still here. On this pure whiteness, my body the antithesis. Rugged, run through, messed up, beaten, bloody, unable. My hands shake, my throat closes through, I can’t feel who I am anymore. And yet the snow still falls.

[luveluxx]

when I first met you, I remember liking that you were a little bit broken, like I was. it was only later on when I discovered that your wounds were in fact still open, bleeding onto my life.