LIfe is dragging me down...
Guys... it’s all hitting me today. Everything. I don’t mean to sound like a victim, but there is a lot going on that I’ve sort of been carrying silently. I don’t want to complain, but I need to get it out.
This pandemic is frustrating. I don’t know who to believe: my gut or politicians? My gut says this thing will end, while politicians say it’s a new lifestyle. Is it just my stubborn self who doesn’t want to believe that face masks and social distance is our life for the next several years? I haven’t been to confession since March, same with receiving Holy Communion. I miss the Eucharist, I miss the Latin Mass, I miss being in His presence.
My mother’s health has done nothing but decline for the past several months. I have always pitched in and helped with the chores and cooking, but lately she’s been able to do less. It started with flare-up after flare-up, then she wasn’t able to get up until the afternoon. Because of this, I am now also primarily in charge half of the day to cook and take care of the children. I feel a certain fulfilment when I step back and look at my work; happy children and food on the counters. I put on music, drink tea, and work. And I love it, but my mother is really worrying me. What if I am losing her? I cannot lose her now; it would kill us all. She’s had these reactions that mimic allergic reactions, but we cannot figure out why. She takes benadryl, and it’s over. It’s freaking me out. The littlest tasks take all of her energy, even showering. The other day, she showed me how to garden a little bit, and after that she was so exhausted... I’m terrified.
My sister has been scaring me too. Last year, she somehow got what is called “Kawasaki’s disease.” It’s a rare disease that causes inflammation all over the body and possible aneurysms. She had one near her heart, but it cleared up. She is not out of the woods, though, and people who have had the disease mention that they get symptoms annually. She’s been very cranky the past few days, which isn’t strange for a toddler, but I know my sister. This morning, she refused to be put down, she wanted to snuggle all morning. She ended up falling asleep on the couch. She’s also been complaining about her legs, and the disease caused her legs to hurt last year. It’s freaking me out, it really is.
ON TOP OF THIS: I cannot even sit on the porch beside my house because of these dang riots. I am not allowed to for fear of what passing cars might do. Honestly, that’s my comfort; sitting on my porch and doing the liturgy of the hours and praying my rosary.
Now I’m also confused about vocation and career. Something inside me is tugging me away from getting my bachelor’s degree. But... it’s always been the plan to go further with my education. This won’t come about for another two years, but I like to have a goal. I feel like I don’t have a goal, I feel like I am wandering around without a sense of what I should be doing. Personally, I would like to get married young, without having to worry about student debt.
What broke it all and caused me to pour it out in tears in my bedroom was a letter I found when cleaning up my room. My room used to be my step dad’s, and it probably will be his again soon. But I write a lot of letters and take notes, and they get everywhere. I found a piece of notebook paper and unfolded it, but it turned out to be one from my mother to my stepdad. It was letter from two years ago stating that she wanted to make things work with him, that he is a good man (which he is of course) and that she wanted to work towards marriage, a good marriage, a good Catholic marriage in Communion with the Church. I couldn’t help it; I read it and broke down. She was willing to make things work, she did work towards it, I have seen it. But he... hasn’t really done anything. I say time and time again that I don’t want them together but... if they did make things work, I would be happy for them and the kids. But... he hasn’t improved.
Oy vae... that is a lot. I am sorry, but I needed to write this all out. Perhaps someone here can relate.
gummygunk
stormborns
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
