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East of Eden, Zhang JiaCheng

summer’s here

not sure if/how i’ll continue using this space, but don’t really know where else to put some of these semi private/public thoughts yet.

anyways, its a funny thing to reach places you could have only dreamed of years before, only to face continual confusion and unease. these two years have been filled with new beginnings and somewhat premature endings, all strung on an underlying thread of guilt for work unfinished. I haven’t felt settled at any point in these last two years, and now that I’m finally at a place where I’ve been aiming to be, I have so much to still process and low key trauma to work through that I wonder if it was all even worth it. It seems as though I should have a better understanding of how the world works at this point, and in some ways I do, but in my day to day, I’m not always sure. I’ve disappointed myself and others in this past year while falling into a new and unyielding form of depression I had yet to experience until this point. it’d be a stretch to say i’m at a good place, but I know I’m doing better and working to continue growing with intentionality.

i honestly don’t know my purpose in writing this other than to process and make sense of the mess of this year. I’m realizing how values shift and relationships can change, but I don’t want to get so lost in the ways of navigating this world that I lose sight of the possibilities that still remain and honest connections that can be made.

trying to find a way to continue growing without becoming hardened by the posturing and games that come with finding your place in this world

shoutout to a year that’s left me with a numbness and confusion that I have yet to find my way out of. both personally and in the larger world it seems as though things are unraveling while I struggle to uncover a sense of agency to face these processes.

How do I find my way back to a semblance of grounding? How do I sustainably grow to contribute meaningful value from and to the spaces I inhabit? How do I find my way back to a self I can feel proud of? How do I balance the responsibilities I have to myself, my family and my communities?

I’ve been asking myself these questions throughout this past year and continue to hold them close in the new year.

oessa

Kangertittivaq, Greenland / google street view 70.2822289,-25.9314502

I am still strong!! And I will find my way!!!

rainekeiko

Tracee Ellis Ross Out & About

gizemvdrawing-deactivated201810

I finally finished my latest personal piece! :-D I’ve never really drawn so many characters in a single picture before. It was so much fun!!

Morning Commute

gizemvdrawing-deactivated201810

I just got the news today that I won SIlVER MEDAL this year from Society of Illustration 60 competition for my piece Morning Commute in Uncommissioned Category!!!!! It’s such a big news for me! Thanks so much to the juries!!!

i find myself back here too often, looking down into something that i’m not sure will give me any more answers. i have to pull back. “nothing good happens after midnight.” and the incessant staring isn’t helping.