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lover ⋆˚࿔ megan skiendiel

lover ➤ megan skiendiel x fem reader

synopsis ; you and megan are made for each other—that much has always been obvious, since the moment you met. the problem is that you're both idiots and are too blind to see it. dumb and dumber, like two peas in a pod.

but that's alright, because whatever is meant for you, will always be for you. love always wins in the end. + a collection of intimate letters to megan from you

“can we always be this close forever and ever?”

warnings/contains ; brief lara x r, (i'm so sorry bby for what i'm abt to put u thru 🥹🥹) fluff, angst, a lil insecurity, bsfs to lovers (best trope fight me), y/n & megan lowkey ragebaiting readers, s l o w b u r n, maphinz mentioned!!

word count ; 23.2k 🥶 (is this tuff)

a/n ; been dead for a month so i'm returning w/ a long ass fic... 😵 this one's for all the girls out there who romanticize from afar and who deserve their happy ending too 🤗 p.s. the letters are essential to the story! don't skip 'em 🤞

it was a getting to know each other session for one of your extracurriculars activities when you first laid eyes on megan skiendiel.

you were at the first meeting of your high school's drama club, and you sat nervously in a circle on the stage of the auditorium, scanning the people around you.

you felt a little awkward with these kinds of exchanges (which was ironic considering you the fact that you're in student government and on cheer), so you were relieved when the club leaders introduced the 'pal program', which is where new members would be paired up with a more seasoned person who'd show them around, help them get settled in, and in a way, be a friend.

"megan skiendiel with y/n l/n," the club secretary said, pointing at you.

you looked around, trying to find who this 'megan' person was, eventually realizing that someone from the other side of the stage stood up from her seat to walk over to you.

suddenly, you hear your peers whispering amongst themselves, and you heard one of the girls muttering that this was 'unfair', a scowl fixated on her face.

what exactly is unfair?

before you could delve deeper into your thoughts, a girl with long black hair dyed pink at the ends and brown eyes was standing in front of you. she had porcelain skin and a swan-like neck emphasized by the necklace she was wearing.

what the hell is she so pretty for?

before you could open your mouth to speak, the girl in front of you let out a small chuckle so heavenly your mind had a hard time trying to comprehend how it was possible that not only was this person beautiful, but she had the voice of an angel too.

oh, and she was standing right in front of you too.

how the fuck did that happen?

"do you usually openly gawk at people like this?" she asked, immediately breaking your train of thoughts.

your mouth went open, before it closed again. seeing your reaction and how you were practically stammering for words, megan let out a fit of giggles and extended her arm, hand outstretched.

"megan meiyok skiendiel. people usually just call me megan, or mei, but you can call me yours," she grinned before sending a flirtatious wink your way.

you stared at her waiting hand, and then back up at her face. it was as if your brain shut down and you were rebooting. a pretty girl was talking to you and flirting with you, and you probably looked like a dumbass staring openly at her.

what the hell is wrong with you?

"oh, so you're the shy type," megan mused, withdrawing her hand. now you felt regretful because you're left wondering how her hand feels. her hands must be soft. wait. what?

you shook your head, trying to maintain a calm composure as you met megan's curious gaze, smiling at her as you thankfully gained some of your confidence back.

"y/n l/n. you can call me y/n. and no, you can't call me yours."

megan snickered, crossing her arms. "that sucks. i hope to change that."

you remember feeling your face heat up and the way your heart drummed against your chest rhythmically as megan shot you a playful grin.

something is wrong with you indeed.

that was how you met megan.

you met each other at the drama club where she shamelessly flirted with you. she'd compliment you on the smallest things, like the new hairstyle you tried out, the cute bracelet on your wrist, and even the new charm dangling on your bag. you always pretended to be annoyed, but you know it's a futile attempt since you always blush whenever she does and megan lets you know with her smirk.

as much as you want to smack megan upside the head every time she lets you know she's right, you couldn't deny that you liked the attention. getting this kind of attentiveness from a drop-dead gorgeous girl was, in a way, extremely delightful. you feel even more satisfied knowing that everyone else are all over her but megan barely gives them the time of the day.

you and megan grew incredibly close, talking to each other outside of the drama club. you had lunch together, hang out on the school, the weekends, and some nights, she'd have dinner at your place with your family. she'd talk to your father about surfing and water-skiing when she helped clean up the table afterwards.

it was during one of those convos that you realized who exactly megan was.

megan was the only daughter of the skiendiel family, holders of numerous beach lodges across hawaii and the caribbeans.

maybe this was what that girl meant by this being unfair. because how could one be so beautiful, angelic-sounding, and so outrageously rich?

and at that moment, megan decided to turn her head in your direction to give you a small smile before she turned back to your father, going on about another time that she went jet-skiing and flew off and tumbled into the sea.

your heart felt like it was going to explode.

something is definitely wrong with you.

it took some time for you to finally figure out what was wrong with you every time megan looked at you, smiled at you, or simply just glanced your way.

you like her.

but it was a thought that you didn't want to entertain, not when you had built the greatest friendship anyone could've asked for with megan. you didn't want to ruin the bond over these emotions.

besides, you thought megan would be more suited to be with someone in her league. maybe the head cheerleader, or the cute barista worker in the café down the block, or even the resident rebel girl who sits in the back of the class with her feet up on the table.

anyone, literally anyone, but you.

"hello? earth to y/n?" megan waved her hand in front of your face, snapping you out of it.

"what?" you asked, sounding a little annoyed as you swat her hand away.

"someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," she teased.

"shut up, megan."

megan feigned hurt, making a show of raising her hand to her chest and gasping loudly. "grouchy and rude!"

you knew it was a joke, but you couldn't help but feel bad for lashing out. "sorry, meimei. were you saying something?"

"i actually wanted to ask you a question."

"and what question might that be?"

megan poked her tongue against the side of her cheek, as if contemplating the most difficult decision of her life. seeing the way she's acting made you think maybe she did have something important to ask you.

your raised your eyebrows at her, gaze probing, trying to get the words out of her. but it was as if megan suddenly became mute and left her brain at home because she looked like she was trying so hard to think of something, the way her face was scrunched up.

"so do you want to ask me later or—"

"no!"

you tilted your head, surprised by the outburst. megan was so weird. she was such a loser sometimes.

a loser trapped in a hot body, that is.

"why are you so tensed?" you laughed. "are you going to ask me to marry you or what?"

you were trying to lighten the mood, but truth be told, if megan really did propose to you, you'd drag her to the courthouse and sign the marriage papers right there and then. you'd make your paper rings along the way.

however, megan spit out another frantic 'no', which made you laugh. but you had to pretend that it didn't tug at your heartstrings a bit.

"fine, fine. don't find it too weird, okay?"

you just nodded, swallowing in anticipation. it must be really serious to get megan worked up like that.

she let out a sign, looking down a the ground before facing you with tender eyes, opening her mouth again to speak.

"what's your favorite flower, y/n?"

your eyes widened. all that just to ask you your favorite flower? oh god. you really wanted to smack megan upside the head now.

megan must've noticed your reaction, and she smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. "please stop imagining ways you're going to bash my head open. answer my question, sweetheart."

that damn pet name always had you in a chokehold.

"forget me nots," you smiled.

"oh?" she seemed to take a mental note of it, biting her lip. "any particular reason?"

"my parents had a long-distance relationship when they were in college and my dad would always surprise her with a bouquet of it whenever they see each other."

"that's beautiful," megan hummed in response.

but there was something about the way megan asked you about your favorite flower that made your heart drum against your chest once more.

it was that flower incident that started the letters you began to write for megan. and you say for megan and not to megan because you don't actually send the letters to her.

m,

i don’t know why the simplest things you do send my heart into overdrive.

like, seriously.

in the past, it was simply because you had looked my way and your eyes would light up when you see me.

but now it was because you had asked me my favorite flower, and no one has ever asked me that before.

i don’t know why the simplest things you do have the most lasting impressions on me, and why they have the biggest impacts, why i end up thinking about your actions for days on end.

it was cliché, falling for your own best friend.

but how could i not?

had it been anyone else, i would’ve taken a shot and confessed. but this was you that we’re talking about. and i don’t want to lose my best friend because of this silly crush.

i often think about what it would be like if i just told you everything, or better yet, if you returned them at all. but you deserve someone who is in your league, and i will never be that.

still, it would be nice, wouldn’t it? somewhere, someday, in another life.

i hope another version of us in another world isn’t as hopeless as i.

x lover

maybe one day, you'd have the courage to send these letters to megan.

you tapped your fingers against the table as you hummed along to the music playing in your headphones, lost in your own world.

you were in the library, trying your best to study and understand the math questions spread out in front of you. you had an exam later this week, but it was as if you're reading something in arabic instead.

you don't understand arabic.

but at the rate things were going, you figured you had better luck learning the language than you do understanding these forsaken formulas. you groaned, flipping through the pages of your textbook, feeling even more hopeless the more you look through it.

you were so concentrated on the music in your ears more than the content you're supposed to be learning that you didn't realize that somebody took the seat opposite yours until you had a nagging sense that they were staring at you.

you were right. someone is staring at you.

megan looked like a deer caught in headlights when you lifted your head to meet her eye, before she shook her head and grinned cheekily. you rolled your eyes, but the familiar hammering in your chest said otherwise.

"what ya doingggg?" megan sing-songed, trying to reach over to take your stuff. you swatted her hand away, earning a frown from her.

"i'm studying for my math test," you told her.

she brightened at once. "i love math!"

"but you're not very good at it."

"we're in the same boat!" she huffed, pouting.

"at least i know my multiplication table. what's eight times nine?"

"sixty-four," megan said confidently.

you stared at her.

"what?" megan blinked, tilting her head like a confused puppy.

"eight times nine is seventy-two."

megan's face went blank. she blinked once. twice. then she narrowed her eyes at you like you were the one who got it wrong.

"no it's not," she insisted. "eight times nine is sixty-four."

you sighed, deciding to give up. there's no way you'll able to get it through megan's thick skull.

"how did you even find me here?" you asked, trying to change the topic.

"i put a tracking device on you."

your eyes widened. see, megan installing a tracker on you wouldn't be so out of character for her. it's something you truly believed she was capable of doing. had it not been her own laughter betraying her, you would've believed it hook, line, and sinker.

"your face!" megan cackled. "oh my god, you should've seen the look on your face!"

you were about to throw your textbook across the table at her when the librarian materialized out of absolutely nowhere, glaring at megan with piercing eyes. she seem to cower in fear, which made you laugh out.

in the end, you and megan were both kicked out. you gathered your belongings, still trying to hold in your laughter. megan was tugging on your arm, ushering you to get out of the library faster.

"come on, sweetheart. that woman is terrifying," megan said, casting a glance over the retreating figure of the librarian.

it didn't take a second for megan to drag you out the moment you zipped up your bag. the moment you were out the doors into the hallway, megan broke into a run, forcing you to speed up with her.

then everything slowed.

you've never been a big believer on clichés, even if you loved watching romantic movies.

but you certainly felt like you were in one right now.

everything else around you blurred and all you could see was megan's hair flying against her shoulders, and when she turned to look at you, you could only see the pure ecstasy and joy in her eyes. they reflected galaxies in them and her smile—gosh, it was contagious.

you felt like you could've ran forever.

how exactly you were not supposed to fall in love with megan?

after slowing down from your run, you and megan walked to an ice cream parlor nearby. she offered to buy you ice cream after getting the both of you kicked out of the library and making you run through the school hallways. of course you didn't refuse her.

you decided to sit down while megan placed the order at the counter. she said that she will decide on the flavors she wants you to try, and before you could even argue and tell her that you only wanted a vanilla ice cream cone, she already had her back turned, marching over to the counter.

you observed megan as she asked the staff to let her try some of the flavors. her eyes lit up at most of them, but for some she looked like she was trying to hold in a vomit. you laughed to yourself as you watched her, entertained at how she's going through almost every single flavor on display. the staff was helping her, and they appeared amused at how megan is going about this as well.

megan is the most ridiculous person you know.

the staff tried to make conversation with her, probably recommending megan their best sellers. soon enough, they were engaged in conversation, both of them laughing while megan was probably trying to describe something in her animated, over-exaggerated way she always does.

and then you felt something tug at your chest.

suddenly, the smile that was on your face morphed into a frown. the longer you watched them lost in their own conversation made your chest tightened. had it not been for the next person in line, you felt that they would have continued to talk for hours.

you shook out of it when you noticed megan sauntering back, grinning.

"a watermelon sorbet for the math witch!" she exclaimed, handing you a cup.

you glared at her before accepting it and picking up the spoon and digging in. that glare was replaced with a smile because you liked what megan got for you.

"i remember you told me that you liked watermelons," she said, sitting down and eating her own ice cream.

"thank you," you replied. "that's very thoughtful of you. i wouldn't have expected you to remember that."

megan's face turned into that of confusion. "but i remember everything about you. am i not supposed to?"

your heart begun to race again. before you could reply, megan continued, and you never thought your heart could break like this.

"i mean... we're friends, right? and friends remember what they tell each other."

you gave megan a tight-lipped smile, shoving another spoonful of sorbet in your mouth. it didn't taste so sweet anymore.

megan was right. you were just friends.

m,

there is a song by the 1975 that goes, ‘i don’t want to be your friend, i wanna kiss your neck’, and i don’t think any other song lyric has ever accurately captured what i felt for you as much as this. because it’s true. i don’t want to be your friend. i don’t want to be just your friend.

i don't know when these feelings began. i know that i found you undeniably pretty the first time we met. but, dare i say, love? i don't know when that started.

it's bad enough that i fell in love with one of my friends, but you have no idea the kind of hell it is to realize that that is all we will ever be.

friends.

megan, i don't want to fall in love with you. and it's not because you're a horrible person or because you have made it your life's mission to annoy me for the rest of my life, but it's because i can't keep looking at you and keep longing for more than you could ever give. it is unfair to the both of us to want more. it is unfair for me to ask for more, and it is unfair for you to give in to me just because i know you would never refuse.

megan skiendel, you have me wrapped around your finger. you are the sun in my sky and all i could do is fall deeper into your light, blinding and burning as it may be.

how exactly do you expect me not to fall in love with you?

x lover

"what's wrong, megan? is there something on my face?"

you were in your bedroom, writing an essay for your advanced placement literature class. every now and then, you'd look up from your laptop to look at megan, who was draped over your beanbag chair.

when you had sneaked a glance for the umpteenth time, you were a bit surprised to find megan already looking at you.

"nothing," megan beamed. "you just look like everything i've ever wanted."

you scoffed. she was such a natural flirt.

"darling, you do know that your cute little lines wouldn't work on me, right?"

"so you think my lines are cute. are they as cute as me?"

"no." you pretended to turn back to your laptop.

"wow. you're really hurting my feelings, miss l/n."

"can you find someone more interesting to disturb?"

"not when you're the most interesting person i know."

you decided that you had enough and picked up your pillow, hurling it across the room. you had impeccable aim. it hit megan square in the face, and she shrieked in horror. you doubled over, laughing.

"i'm going to get you for that!" megan leaped from her seat and sprinted over, tackling you. you landed flat on your bed, and you wrestled with her, disregarding the notes on the mattress that would surely be crumpled. you liked your notes clean and organized, but at the moment, you simply didn't care.

soon enough, megan was on top of you, holding both your wrists on top of your head. you were laughing so much that you didn't even realize how compromising your position looked, until your sister yoonchae opened the door and gasped loudly, immediately exiting and shutting the door.

on any other day, you would've probably hid in embarrassment, but today, you just didn't seem to mind. you never really seem to care about anything else when megan is involved.

"my cousin is having her wedding next week. will you please come with me? i'm not taking no for an answer."

"okay."

"really?" megan let go of your wrists, astonished, as if she wasn't threatening you seconds ago.

"yeah. come on now, we have some explaining to do for my sister."

growing up as the only daughter of a multi-millionaire, it wasn't really all that surprising that megan didn't have much people to play with as a young child. most of the time, she would be left to herself in her massive house. so that's when her cousin, sophia, would come over to play. megan would always hold back tears every time sophia had to leave and go home at the end of the day.

"sophia is like the sister i never had," megan explained as you both entered the venue.

you focused on the wedding and looked around. it's a small, intimate garden wedding. there couldn't have been more than thirty people here, already making you feel a little out of place because you're sure everyone here is a close friend or a family member, of which you were neither.

still, it would be too rude to just bail and wait at the banquet dinner, where you were told that they were expecting upwards of four-hundred guests. and so you sat there, admiring how tastefully decorated this small space is.

soon enough, the wedding march started to play and the whole wedding entourage started to walk down the aisle. standing next to the person officiating the wedding, was one man and one insanely attractive woman.

wow, sophia's groom has a best woman, that's so cool.

but then the man walked away to find his seat amongst the crowd, leaving sophia alone.

just then, everyone quieted down. a beautiful bride walked down the aisle, and that's when it hit you that sophia was marrying a woman.

"i didn't tell you?" megan whispered in your ear.

"no, you did not."

"well, that's manon, sophia's partner of four years."

you nodded slowly in understanding, and you couldn't stop the words from spilling out of your mouth: "manon is fine."

megan clamped her hand over her mouth, trying to stop herself from laughing, before elbowing you in the ribs.

"you better not let sophia hear that."

the wedding went well. even for someone who is meeting the couple for the first time, one could've tell just how madly in love they are with one another. you can see it in the way they look at each other, in the way they hold each other, even in the way they spoke their vows to one another. the whole thing was beautiful, emphasized by the fact that they're celebrating their union amongst the people nearest and dearest to their hearts.

"that was nice, wasn't it?" megan said as you walked with her to the dinner banquet together.

"it was," you said, smiling at her.

"have you ever thought about your own wedding?"

"of course i have, mei. i'm a hopeless romantic."

"right, right. well, what do you imagine your wedding to be like?"

and just like that, you were stupefied.

see, if anyone asked you about your plans for your wedding, the answer is simple. you wanted it to be grand but romantic. like the wedding aisle scene from crazy rich asians. surrounded by your closest friends and family.

but as you looked at megan, all you could think about was 'i just want to get married to you.'

"y/n—"

"megan!" somebody squealed.

suddenly, there was a girl in a white dress trying to run towards you, another girl tailing behind her with a wide smile on her face. it didn't register immediately, but when you had a better look at the two people now hugging your best friend, you realized that this is sophia and manon.

"get off me," megan grunted, making everybody laugh.

"wait, where are my manners? sophia, manon, this is y/n, my best friend. y/n, this is sophia and manon, the disgustingly married couple."

"it's so nice to meet you, y/n. megan has told me so much about you." sophia said, leaning in for a hug.

"that's right. our little megs here could never shut up about you," manon added.

megan glared at the couple, crossing her arms.

"don't worry, you guys. megan talks about you two a lot too. it's nice to meet you as well. congratulations on the wedding. thanks for having me, it was beautiful."

"of course, sweetie," manon giggled. "but my wife and i better be invited to your wedding. we'll be expecting our invitations soon, right, megan?"

"fuck off, manon."

"well," sophia said as she grabbed manon's hand. "we have to go mingle with all the other guests. but we should catch up soon, okay? both of you. we should all go out for dinner one day."

"of course," you and megan both said in unison.

"ooh," manon teased, earning another glare from megan, to which she only laughed before being dragged away by her wife.

you smiled at their retreating figures, feeling completely happy and proud of a couple you just met mere moments ago. you were so happy for the both of them, they seemed so in love and they looked so good together. you could only wish you could find something like that for yourself in this lifetime.

"hey, sweetheart?"

"hm?"

"let's make a deal."

"and what deal might that be?"

"when we are both thirty and if we're still single, let's just marry each other."

you pretended to be nonchalant about it so you just said, "hm, okay," when in reality you swore your heart was beating so quickly you were about to go into cardiac arrest.

m,

it's such a cliché, isn't it?

two best friends, one falls in love with the other even if they know it's completely unrequited, but they still hold out hope that one day, they'd look at them with love that surpasses anything of a platonic sense.

i used to think that that would never be me, that i would only fall in love with someone who loves me back, who gives me their all, who returns every bit of my affection. but here i am now, in love with someone who doesn't see me the way i see them.

let's get this out of the way now: i am in love with you.

megan, how am i supposed to not be smitten with you?

to make matters worse, you took me to a wedding… and then you told me that we should just get married. you showed me that a love you only usually see in movies and books, actually exists in real life. you showed me that there will always be people to celebrate your love, to cheer you on, to wholeheartedly want the best and nothing less. and then you told me that we should just get married.

i don't know what i should have felt in that moment. should i have been happy that you see me as a potential partner, or should i be sad because i was your last resort? either way, i just want you to know that it took every ounce of willpower i had in my system to not just kiss you right then and there.

i just want to kiss you. gosh, i do.

the truth is, megan, is that i don't think i really care anymore what kind of wedding it would be. it could be in a run-down warehouse that i got someone to fix up, it could be at a massive church, or it could even be a garden wedding like sophia and manon's, an intimate celebration among family and close friends. i don't care, and it really doesn't matter anymore.

because in the wedding i imagine, i only see you waiting for me at the other end of the aisle.

x lover

you and megan graduated high school a year after sophia and manon's wedding.

that was almost four years ago. you and megan are college seniors now. not much has happened in the last few years. megan went on to become an english major, and you ended up taking law. you had classes in different faculties, had a different set of friends, and had different levels of workload.

despite the difference, some things have remained the same: megan is still the most beautiful girl in the entire school, and you were still the idiot helplessly in love with her.

it's strange. you had thought that after high school, you would meet someone in college that would sweep you off your feet and make you fall in love, ultimately making you forget about your feelings for your best friend.

many have tried, many have come close, but no one has ever surpassed the emotions you had for megan. you used to blame it on the fact that it's because you always see her, making moving on so difficult. but you've come to accept that even if megan decided to go to another university to study, the kind of feelings you had for her would be able to go the distance.

besides, if megan really did decide to study in a different university, you didn't trust yourself not to follow her.

"do you really have to go, y/n?" you hear megan say from your living room.

you were in the midst of packing for an exchange program to london. it's nothing you really planned, but when one of your professors said that we can do a semester in a university in europe, you decided that maybe you needed a change of scenery.

you didn't think you would be accepted. there were at least a hundred people who signed up for the program, and only twenty people would get to go. you were just fortunate enough to be part of that twenty.

"i do, megan," you say as you continued to fold up your clothes.

megan just huffed before returning to her game, giving you the chance to steal longing glances at the girl you're going to miss the most.

you sighed. it is also because of this girl that you decided to go.

just a few days before your professor talked about the exchange program, you saw megan hugging another figure you've never seen before. they were standing at the corner of the university plaza, just tightly hugging each other as if it were only them in that space.

it broke your heart. but you remember staying there, still as a statue, watching them hold each other. you only remember wanting to be that person before walking away, unable to look any longer.

that night, as you sat across megan at the dinner table, she did not mention anything about the plaza or the person or the hug. you remembered excusing yourself right after that, walked to your room, and curled up in bed.

you don't remember when when fell asleep, or if you cried yourself to sleep because of how heavy my heart felt. all you remember was waking up in the middle of the night to find a glass of water and medicine tablets siting on your bedside table with a note from megan.

let me take care of you

x m

when you woke up, you were surprised to find megan sleeping on a chair across the room, arms crossed over her chest as her head fell to the side. and you remember crying. you are so in love with her, but you knew that she didn't love you back in the way you want her to. in the way you needed her to.

you had looked at the note, and then at her, and ended up soaking the yellow post-it with megan's handwriting with your tears because you knew that megan's heart belonged somewhere else.

she soon woke up to find you in tears, immediately jolting up and bolting from her seat and held you as you cried. megan never asked you about why you cried that night, but she did ask if anything hurt. and you only remember wishing you could tell her that loving her hurt so, so much.

one semester usually lasts about four months, but you enjoyed your time in london, so much to the point that you decided to spend your two month winter break there before going back home.

you do miss home. you do miss your family and your friends. and of course, you miss megan. but time apart from them has done you some good. for the first time in your life, you had no one else to rely on but yourself. at first, it was difficult, because you were so used to having people around to help you out whenever you needed it, but in the end, learning how to do things on your own and learning how to do those things properly felt liberating, freeing.

being apart really has done you some good. you've even convinced yourself that you don't feel for megan as much, if at all.

megan surprised you with a ticket to london the last time you talked with her on facetime, so here you were now, in the airport, trying to find her amongst the crowds.

and then you looked to the arrival hall, and saw megan running over to you, looking more beautiful and more radiant than you remember, holding on to her huge luggage. when your eyes met and megan flashed that perfect smile that you've fallen in love with over and over again in the past, you couldn't help but question myself if you ever really moved on from her because here she is now in front of you, and your heart was still beating erratically against your chest.

and when you were engulfed in a tight hug, all you remember thinking was how futile all this 'moving on' had been because in this moment, you had never been more in love with your best friend.

m,

i so badly want to say that these six months helped me to finally let you go, to finally let go of the love i have for you, to finally be able to start fresh, and to finally see you as someone who is just a friend and nothing more.

but as you move your body closer to mine in an attempt to get a little bit more comfortable on these cramped airplane seats, i couldn't help but think in that moment that i hadn't thought of home ever since you arrived, and i remember thinking that home is wherever you are.

i so badly want to tell you that these six months allowed me to let you go. but the truth is, all these six months ever did was cement the fact that wherever i am in the world, whoever else i spend my time with, and whatever i may think… the truth is that i have never stopped being in love with you.

and i don't think i ever will.

x lover

things were never the same after you both graduated from university.

sure, you still lived two blocks away from one another when you moved back to the town you both grew up in. that old little diner you loved frequenting was there too, seemingly immortalized because it looked the same even after all these years. and, oh god, you are still in love with your best friend.

for a time, you convinced yourself that this was enough. that even if you never admitted the true nature of your emotions to megan, at least you would still have her close in proximity, that you would still get to hold her close, that you would still somehow have her.

and you knew that one day, you would need to learn how to outgrow her. you knew that one day, she wouldn't be so easily accessible to you, not so easily within reach, not at your beck and call. but it was something you thought was far out in the future, something that you don't have to worry about now because you have her, although not in the way you truly want her. for now, you've convinced myself, that this, whatever it is, is enough.

but it hasn't even been a week since you got back from university dorm when megan got a call that would take her hours away from home for a better opportunity.

"i don't know, y/n, what do you think?"

"you should go, megan."

you wanted to be selfish. you really did. you wanted to ask her to forgo of whatever opportunities the world has to offer her to stay back here with you.

to stay for you.

to choose you.

but when you look at this town and you look at her, you realize that she was always made for something bigger, that she was always meant to be something greater. and as much as you wanted to be selfish, as much as you wanted to tell her to never leave, you just couldn't.

all because you knew that if you asked her to stay, she would.

and how could you live with that? how do you live with the idea of you being the sole reason that she never reached her full potential? how do you live with the idea that you withheld opportunities from her, that you stopped her from being the best version of herself that she could be?

and so you let her. as much as it physically pained you, as much as you could feel the way your heart constricted against your chest, as much as you felt the pain from all the air leaving your lungs, you let her.

as much as you didn't want her to, you let her.

because at the end of the day, who were you, really?

just megan's best friend.

"do you really think i should go, y/n?"

you're sitting with megan in her childhood bedroom, helping her pack up for her big move to los angeles.

"of course, megs."

"you know, you never look me in the eye when i ask you that question."

"what question?" you asked as you turned around to face her again. you tried to act dumb with her, hoping she would grow impatient and let it go, but it surprised you to find megan standing there with wide, almost watery eyes, glistening under the light.

megan never cries.

and as much as you wanted to bolt from where you were standing to engulf her in a hug, you just couldn't. so you just stood there, staring at her, watching.

"i'm going to ask you again, but this time, i want you to look me in the eye when you answer me," she said.

you couldn't find the words, so you just nodded at her, urging her to continue but at the same time, feeling fear slowly seep into your system.

why did you feel so scared?

"two questions, y/n," she began. "the first one: do you really think i should go?"

megan continued to hold your gaze, never breaking away. you couldn't find it in you to look away either.

"why are you being so serious, megan?" you tried to joke with her, hoping she would break out of that serious look on her face and crack a smile.

she doesn't.

and so you thought about it, the weight of what she was asking you.

did you really think she should go?

the answer is simple: yes, you do.

all because you know that megan can be the very best version of herself if she leaves this town, if she pursues things bigger than herself, if she opens herself up to opportunities she would never find here.

"yes. i do think you should go." and you meant it. this town doesn't do much good for someone like megan, someone whose light is bright and blinding, someone far bigger than this place.

she nodded at you, but the expression painted on her face didn't change at all. in all the years you've known megan, this might be the first time you've ever seen her so serious.

megan is rarely serious. and even when she is, she breaks out of it quickly enough.

this megan, asking you about leaving, is one you've never seen before.

"do you want me to go, y/n?"

the truth is, you don't.

if there was any way you could give megan all the opportunities without her having to leave, you would hand it to her on a silver platter.

but you knew that you couldn't.

so even if the answer you really wanted to tell her was at the tip of your tongue, you decided to muster up all the energy you had left to lie to her face.

"yes, megan," you began. "you deserve to get out there to show everybody what you've got."

but it seems that megan wasn't content with the answer you gave her.

"but do you want me to go?" she tried to press again.

you don't.

"of course i want you to go, megan."

liar.

"you really want me to leave?" she asked again.

of course not.

"yes."

no.

"okay then," she finally conceded. "looks like l.a. needs to be ready for megan skiendiel!" she exclaimed, cracking a smile as soon as she finished saying it.

"oh, they'll never be ready," you smiled at her.

and neither will you.

m,

when i tagged along with you and your family to drop you off at the airport, i expected there to be some (a lot) of tears shed.

and then we heard the speakers blare the final call for your flight to los angeles. i want you to know that in that moment, i did not want to let you go. there was nothing more i wanted than to hold you, to beg you to not leave, to ask you to renounce of all of this and come back home with me.

but as usual, i couldn't find it in my heart to be brave enough or to be selfish enough to ask that much of you.

i remember watching how you slowly disappeared from view, how the pink ends of your hair were the last thing to vanish around the corner, how i stood there for the longest time just trying to see if you would have turned around and changed your mind. and i wonder, was this how you felt when i left for london about a year ago, when you asked me if i really needed to go?

because all i felt in that moment was an overwhelming sense of longing for someone who hasn't even left yet. i felt my heart breaking apart at the seams, i felt the entire world weigh down on me, and i felt like the only way i could breathe again was if i saw even just a shadow of you again.

i stood there for so long, megan, hoping that you would have changed your mind and turned around. but how could i have expected that of you when i was the one who told you that you shouldn't let chances slip away? why did it feel like with this chance you took, it felt like my own chance of telling you that i loved you slipped away too?

this might be too much of a stretch, but i want you to know that if you did turn around, i would not have let you go.

megan, when you held me in that airport just before the speakers blared out about the gates closing for your flight, i want you to know that there was nothing i wanted more than to keep you in my arms so that you'd miss your flight completely and didn't have to go. it's childish, i know, but it was my pathetic attempt at keeping you here.

at keeping you close.

at keeping you within reach.

and now, i sit here, wondering what else i could have done to stop you from going.

if i told you that i wanted you to stay, would you really have stayed?

if i told you that i didn't want you to go, would you forget about l.a. and its endless opportunities just to be here with me?

but more importantly, if i told you i loved you, would you have chosen me?

the last thing you told me before you walked away from us was that you loved me. i can still hear it in my head.

"y/n, i love you always," you said. and although the words were stuck in my throat, although the words were just begging to be let out, i once again took the coward's route and bit it back.

"go on, your plane's going to leave you behind," i tried to joke with you.

i should have told you that i loved you then, i know. but as usual, it's only in these letters that i'm ever brave, so i am telling you now. i love you. i wish you didn't have to go. i love you. i wish you stayed with me. i love you. i only want the best for you.

i love you.

my heart is yours for always and forever.

i love you.

x lover

you missed megan.

you've kept in touch by constantly texting and calling each other, having nightly facetimes together, and sending random photos to each other throughout the day, but even the constant communication wasn't enough especially because you were so used to always having her close in the last decade that you've known her.

this isn't the first time you've been apart, but this might be one of the longest. and even if you just want to take the next flight out to l.a. every time you get bouts of missing her (which is always), you don't want to seem like the clingy best friend (you've really grown to hate that term) and so with that, you decided to give it some time.

some time to let her get settled in, some time for her to get used to her new environment, some time for her to get used to her new life.

five months.

you gave it five months.

it should be long enough for megan to get settled in a brand new city, right?

once five months rolled in, you packed your bags and took the next flight out to los angeles. you've been planning it for a few weeks now. you wanted to go there to surprise her so you didn't bother telling megan that you would be coming or that she would be seeing you soon. you wanted to see the genuine surprise on her face when she opens the front door to her apartment and sees you standing there.

would she be glad to see you?

oh crap. what if she isn't going to be happy to see you?

fuck. you're sitting in a plane that's about to land in two hours and you're starting to doubt if megan would be glad to see you again.

what if she has a mountain of work that she needs to do and she wouldn't have time to see you?

oh my god, you did not think this through.

"flight attendants, please prepare for landing," you suddenly heard the pilot's voice through the speakers.

didn't you have two hours left before you land?

soon enough, you were slowly inching your way to the arrival terminal when the wheels hit the ground. you thought that when you get here, you would be the first one out of your seat, first one bolting out of the plane because you so badly just wanted to be with megan.

but you remained glued to your seat not wanting to get out, not even realizing how long you've been sitting there until one of the cabin crew approached you and said that you were the last one on the plane.

you walked shakily out of the plane, your legs feeling like jelly. you didn't even remember when exactly you got out or when you were standing at the carousel waiting for your luggage. everything felt like a daze.

you finally got back to your senses was when you walked out of the arrival gates, looking around for the sign that would lead you to the taxi bay. you shook any negative thoughts you had, thinking that it was too late to back out now, and that even if megan wasn't going to be happy to see you, she would be decent enough to not hurt you.

you kept walking straight out of the arrival gates and towards the large directory you saw, hoping that a visual would help you find the taxi area easier.

that was, until somebody suddenly tapped your shoulder, making you turn your head so fast you were afraid something snapped.

you expected it to be a robber, or a kidnapper, or someone who only had bad intentions. you were so prepared to hand your bag over, to beg for your life.

instead, when you turned to look behind you, you only saw the face you've missed the most with the warmest smile gracing her features.

you remained statued there, the realization not sinking in just yet.

and then she threw her arms around you. gone were your premonitions, your fears, and any negativity clouding your thoughts. because here you are now, hours away from home, and feeling like you were being ridiculous this entire time because here is megan, with you in her arms.

the idea hasn't sunk into you yet, but it was only when megan pulled away, when she flashed you that perfect grin that you've missed so dearly and fallen for over and over again in the past, that you realized just how badly you missed her.

soon, tears were falling out of your eyes, each one cascading faster than the last down your face.

"megan, what the hell are you doing here?!" you complained to her as you furiously tried to wipe away tears.

she only smiled cheekily at you with her hands behind her back like an innocent child. "your sister told me about your little adventure to l.a." her grin widened. "i don't think she trusted you to get here safely on your own."

you only groaned before your own laughter betrayed you, laughing about the ridiculousness of this all. you were supposed to surprise megan, not the other way around.

and if that wasn't enough? megan suddenly pulled her hands out from her back and showed you the prettiest bouquet of flowers you've ever seen.

"these are for you," she said as you looked between her and the bouquet. "forget-me-nots."

she smiled as she handed you the flowers. this isn't the first time megan ever got you flowers, not the first time you've ever received a bouquet from her.

but this is the first time megan got you a bouquet of your favorite flowers.

and it transported you back to ten years ago, sitting across megan at a school lunch table where she randomly asked you what your favorite flowers were. you didn't remember ever bringing it up ever again, nor did you ever remember her asking you about it ever again, or if this is simply pure coincidence.

your lips started to quiver as the tears started to pool at the edge of your eyes, but before they could even fall, megan smiled gently as she took your hand.

"i remember everything about you. i think i always will."

you spent a week in los angeles with megan as your lovely tour guide. you went to every tourist attraction there possibly is—universal studious, the santa monica pier, and even walks on hike trails to see the hollywood sign.

you ate at greasy diners, michelin-starred restaurants, and had drinks at bars that sold one drink at a ridiculously high price. you remember walking out of that cocktail bar completely exasperated, truly not understanding how a small serving of a mojito would cost you that much. megan only laughed at you, telling you that this is los angeles, and los angeles is expensive.

on your last night in l.a., your best friend decided that she wanted to be chef megan ramsay, whipping up a storm in the kitchen and asking you to just sit still in the living room as she prepared your meal. every few minutes, you'd either hear metal bowls falling to the floor, or megan yelping out loud. and each time, you would bolt up from your seat to see what was going on, only to find her already at the doorway, ready to push you out.

"sit there! don't come in here!" she would say as she turns you around and shoves you out.

soon enough, she walked out of the kitchen, with sweat all over her face, hair sticking out of her messy bun, and patches of sauce all over her apron.

"dinner is ready!" she exclaimed as she set down two plates on the table.

you walked over to the dining room, megan pulling a seat out for you and motioning for you to sit down.

"five star service for my vip guest!" she said. you laughed out loud as you watched her take the seat opposite yours, grinning.

you soon dug into your food, complimenting megan every now and then to make her feel good about her cooking even if it was a simple meal like this. you spent dinner just talking about how you liked the city so far, what your favorite attraction was, and that maybe the next time you visit, you can drive to another state together.

after dinner and cleaning up the mess megan created in the kitchen, you both sat down on her living room floor, a bottle of wine sitting between the two of you as you talked about anything and everything you could think of.

but a bottle of wine became two, and then two became three.

and the next thing you knew, you and megan were laughing your heads off even if you didn't really know what you were laughing about, even if there wasn't anything funny at all.

"this is nice," she said. "i wish you didn't have to leave."

"i have a job to get back to," you chuckled, leaning on the couch as well as you faced her.

megan only smiled at you, her body still with her eyes closed. "i still wish you didn't have to go."

and then silence.

megan still had her head leaned on the couch, her head facing you, a small smile on her face.

"or that i didn't have to go," she continued as her eyes fluttered open.

"i wish you didn't have to go too," you said to her.

"then why did you tell me to go?" she asked, eyes suddenly shining brightly under the light, a small smile on her face.

"i don't know," you whispered. "i really don't know."

"i missed you," she said quietly. "i really missed you."

you both were talking in such hushed voices, as if afraid that if either of you spoke any louder, you would be letting out more than you were willing to let on.

the truth is, when you decided to come to los angeles to visit megan, you also decided that you would finally tell her how you felt about her. that you have loved her all this time, that you couldn't possibly go on any longer with just keeping these feelings locked up.

you were so adamant that this would finally be it. but here you are now, drunk and looking at her, resisting the urge to just grab her face and kiss her.

this should have been it. this should have been that moment. this should have been the part where you finally told her that you loved her.

instead, you took the coward's route again.

"i'll facetime you more often then," you joked.

you could only watched as megan took a deep breath before closing her eyes again, her head tilted away from you.

"yeah," she said. "facetime. of course."

m,

i was supposed to tell you i loved you, megan. i really was. but when you questioned me why i asked you to go, i started to question myself.

did i really love you if i was able to let you go that easily? and so as usual, i swallowed the words back down.

i wish i was brave for you. and the fact that i'm not, probably means that i don't deserve you.

maybe it's time i accept the fact that there is just no place for you and i, together, and happily in love, in this world. maybe it is something that will forever remain a fantasy, a what if, a chance i just never took. you would be the love of my life, the center of my universe, but also, the one that got away, the one i allowed to slip right through my fingers.

i allow you to slip through my fingers each time, anyway.

and megan, i realize now that maybe, i needed this. maybe i needed this trip to make myself realize that you deserve someone bolder, someone less afraid.

in other words, someone who isn't me.

because if all it is is eight letters, it shouldn't be this hard to say.

x lover

a year has passed since the first time you stepped foot in los angeles.

it was your fifth time in california now, and you've given up on trying to surprise megan because some way and somehow, she finds out about it before you even land.

"i'd tell you to not pick me up at the airport, but we both know you couldn't resist me," you told her while on a video call, walking to your gate that would take you to her in a few hours.

"of course," she laughed. "we'll have dinner together when you get here." you absentmindedly nodded at her as she said one other thing you didn't quite catch because the connection was awful at the airport.

"thank you, i'll see you in a bit," you said as you waved goodbye to her on the call. she waved back to you as well, a smile on her face you couldn't help but think suited her so perfectly well.

the past year has been a lot easier. you've gotten somewhat used to not having megan around physically because she makes up for it with her constant calls and messages, which are things that have become highlights of your days. you feel like a little lovesick puppy, waiting on your phone every evening to tell megan about your day.

she always listened intently to your stories, something you appreciated even if you knew that all you ever did was drone on and on. she would laugh when she thinks something is funny, she would give you her opinions when you asked for it, and she would allow you to just talk as much as you wanted even if there have been times that she has been late to work because she just couldn't find it in her heart to tell you to stop.

you had to set a timer for yourself and her on your calls so that she would stop being late to work.

the past year has been much easier. you've gotten used to the physical distance, but it doesn't lessen the ache in your heart every time you had to part again.

and while those are things that you've been able to manage, there has only been one other thing that has been really weighing you down: the fact that even after all this time, you have not told megan that you were in love with her.

each time you visit california, you come with the determination that 'this time' you would tell megan you love her.

and yet, you chose to disappoint both yourself and the universe when the chance is literally right there, all yours for the taking.

it shouldn't be this hard to tell someone you love them, and yet here you are, in love with your best friend for over a decade, and still haven't told her a peep about it.

still, you knew that you couldn't be a coward forever.

and so as you step onto the plane that would take you to her once again, you decided that today is the day you finally tell her that you loved her.

there is no turning back now.

you took a cab that would take you to her apartment, got your things out of the trunk, and took the lift up to her unit. upon opening the door, what greeted you was a small bouquet of your favorite flowers with a small note on it,

sorry i couldn't come pick you up at the airport today. :( i'll see you tonight! x m p.s. there's food in the fridge if you're hungry

the note made you smile. megan had always taken good care of you, even when she wasn't physically there.

the thought made your grin widen. you were more adamant to swallow down any fear or doubt you had in your mind about telling her how you felt about her. today is the day, you reminded yourself.

today is the day you tell megan that you love her.

megan came back to her apartment a few hours after you got in, trapping you in a bear hug the moment she saw you.

she only let go when you told her you were going to take a shower, and even then, it didn't seem like she wanted to let you go. she only did so when you told her that you don't have a problem with her walking into the shower room with you, which instantly made her face turn red in embarrassment.

"i just missed you," you remember her saying as she pouted.

gosh, you just wanted to kiss her. it would hurt so much if she told you she didn't feel the same way.

soon enough, you were walking together into a restaurant megan made a reservation for. it was an upscale pasta bar she discovered a few weeks ago, saying that she got really lucky that she managed to score a dinner reservation here because the seats fill up fast.

"you've outdone yourself this time," you said, looking around. the restaurant had high ceilings, large windows, and a very posh-looking bar at the very far end of the restaurant. the servers wore black ties, the food were served on expensive china, and the menu only had a few items listed on it, further enhancing the extravagance of this place.

"well, i live to please," she said as she turned around to wink at you.

a waiter soon led you to the table. you were still looking around and admiring this very beautiful place. there was a wine cellar near the bar, and there was a cheese cart going around the tables as well. you were already thinking of what drink to order for tonight when you suddenly stopped at a table. it had three seats and a man was already occupying one of them.

you were about to ask if you were led to the wrong table, but when the man stood up to greet megan with a kiss, you felt your stomach drop down to the floor as your heart shattered into tiny, little fragments in your chest.

you looked at megan, who had her hands around the man's neck, kissing him back, not quite sure what was going on here and yet, being unable to stop yourself from staring at them. it must have only been a few seconds, but they felt like lightyears to you. and that was when megan seem to finally remember that you were standing right there.

"oh, y/n, this is jonah, my boyfriend," she said as she looked between the both of you. "and jonah, baby, this is y/n, my best friend."

best friend.

you've really grown to fucking hate that term.

jonah extended his hand for you to take, and you were just thankful that you still had the decency to shake it as you forced a smile.

"it's so nice to finally meet you," he said. "mei here has told me so much about you!"

you only smiled weakly at him.

soon, you all sat down, with megan sitting opposite you, giving you a full, unfiltered view of her sending lovestruck gazes to her boyfriend.

jonah was attractive, as much as you hated to admit it.

you wanted to loathe him. but how could you, when he has done nothing wrong?

and so you sat there throughout the entire meal, watching them look at each other with hearts in their eyes. you didn't miss the way megan would subtly plant a kiss on his cheek when she leaned in to whisper something in his ear, or the way they would intertwine their fingers under the table.

there was nothing you could do except sit there and stare. you feel like throwing up.

and then it hit you like a tidal wave. you had all these years, all these chances, all this time to tell megan you loved her, only for you to use none of them because you were so clouded by fear that you couldn't think about anything else.

to the point that you forgot there was a possibility of someone new, someone brave, someone bolder, entering megan's life to make her the happiest she'll ever be.

jonah took his shot while you let them all slip away.

now, there were no more chances left for you to take.

m,

maybe this is the chapter in the book i finally end, the one where i finally accept that we are just not meant to be happily in love and together in this life.

it hurts so much right now. i couldn't even explain the pain i'm feeling right now as i look at you. but it is in the same look on your face, happiness very much evident in your features, that i know someday, i will learn to let you go. and i will learn to let you go because i will finally, someday soon, accept that i am not the happiness or the love that you seek.

maybe one day, when all of this is said and done, i will be able to look at this part of my life and laugh about how ridiculous it all was. maybe then, i'd even tell you that i loved you all this time but i was a coward. and we'd both smile and laugh, not because of missed chances, but because we were just both young and ridiculous.

i wish i was the reason for why you're so happy, but we all know it's not about me, and it was never about me.

i'm ending this letter with the words i wanted to tell you tonight, the same words that kept dying in my mouth, the same ones i kept swallowing back down out of fear and cowardice all this time.

i love you, megan. and i hope that another version of you and i exists in a parallel universe out there where we are both happy and in love, all because i truly believe that my feelings for you, my love for you, is so large and magnificent that this universe alone couldn't possibly contain it.

i believe my love for you could permeate through other universes. and if this universe wasn't for us, then i hope to find you in the next one. i promise to meet you there.

there is simply no other way to say it, i am just too late.

x lover

"y/n! are you ready to— hey, why aren't you ready yet?"

megan gave you a questioning look when she walked into the living room of her one-bedroom apartment, head tilted to the side with her brows furrowed as she looked between your hand resting on a luggage handle and you.

she was decked out in head to toe merch from favorite soccer team, holding on tightly to two tickets she managed to snag for the both of us. spain versus portugal, the ticket read. "and why do you have your luggage and passport out?"

the tone she used broke your heart. it was like a child asking when their dog will wake up, even after watching it get hit by a car.

and you feel like the parent that has to break down the truth that their pet dog isn't ever going to wake up ever again.

you knew that she knew the answer, but you're forced to break it down to her.

you sighed deeply.

in your version of an ideal world, megan would see you out with all your things and just help get a taxi to drop you off at the airport, no questions asked. she would think that something happened and that you didn't want to talk about it, skirting around knowing something was wrong but not being courageous enough to push for the reason now.

she would help out with your luggage out of the apartment, help putting it inside the trunk, hug you goodbye, tell you to call her when you land safely back home, and simply leave it at that.

but of course that isn't what happened. nothing ever goes the way you rehearsed it in your head.

because here you are now, standing in the middle of megan's living room with your luggage and passport out, being questioned for why they're all out in the first place.

you knew this was going to happen, so of course you came up with a lie as to why you suddenly had to cut this trip short.

"work thing. they called me up last night, said they needed my help," you said as you looked down at your feet, tapping them gently against her wine-stained carpet.

usually, when megan hears you talk about work, she simply leaves it as it is. no further questions asked, not much opinion shared, and just accepts whatever you tell her no matter what it is. it had been the same for years, anyway. so when you told her that you needed to go back home because of work, you expected her to just nod and let you go.

it surprised you when she didn't. you looked up from the ground to see that there was a look of annoyance on her face, something you rarely see directed at me, but one you could recognize, nonetheless.

"y/n," she said sternly. the tone made you grip onto my luggage handle tighter. "you're telling me that they couldn't find anyone at all to do the job? and that they need you, of all people, to fly back to help them with their problem?"

you hummed, trying your best to be nonchalant about it even when your heart was beating out of your chest. you were so afraid she could hear it too.

"…yes."

the annoyed look on megan's face quickly morphed into one of anger. the sight made you swallow, scaring me because you've never seen this side of her before and you didn't know what you just brought upon yourself.

"fucking bullshit," she fumed under her breath.

you were about to defend yourself, create this whole elaborate story about how the documents are in your work laptop at home and that they need you to turn it on, about how it's confidential data and only a select few have access to it, and how time is of the essence and that you will make it up to her next time.

but then she cut you off.

"i don't know what kind of idiot you take me for. but i'm not stupid, y/n."

there was poison laced in those words, which somehow infuriated you rather than making you feel guilty. so instead of caving in and apologizing to her, you decided that you needed to take it out on her too. but before you could even get the first word out of your mouth, you saw a tear roll down megan's cheek, completely cementing you to where you were standing, not daring to move a muscle.

soon enough, tears were cascading down her face, with her furiously wiping them with the sleeve of her oversized jersey. and all you wanted to do was throw your arms around her and hold her, keep her close and tell her that you changed your mind and that you weren't going anywhere.

but you were stumped. so you just stood there, watching her, not knowing what to do because these kinds of situations don't come with instructions.

it was at this moment where you wished you were just brave enough to tell her the truth: you couldn't keep staying in los angeles with her because your heart could no longer take it, seeing her with somebody else.

"you're a terrible liar, y/n. don't think i haven't noticed how you've been acting since you got here," she said, pain evident in her voice, reeling you back into reality.

"i've tried to look past it and reduce it down to you being tired from travel. and here i am, the idiot that i am, still trying to look past it all and pulling out all the stops just to spend time with you. but here you are, standing here now with all your stuff, ready to leave."

megan bit her lip, before she forced herself to meet your eye. she let out a heavy breath before her shoulders slumped, as if she had conceded to the conclusion she came to herself.

"if you don't want to be with me, y/n, you could have just said that from the very beginning."

she turned herself around to walk out of the room, disappearing into the hallway and then hearing the front door unlock and then shut with a loud thud.

"you're wrong," you mumbled out shakily as you let out a humorless chuckle.

your head fell, your vision starting to blur because you finally allowed the tears to form in your eyes.

"there is nothing i have ever wanted more than to be with you from the very beginning."

m,

where do i even begin?

do i start with telling you where i'm writing this? because that part is easy. i'm at an airport lounge, sitting by a window with all these planes taking off as my view. each time i watch them fly out into the skies, i feel a sense of liberation. maybe it's because they're no longer limited by the the confined spaces of land, but are up in the endless sky to wander and explore, everything down on earth looking so minuscule and irrelevant compared to the vastness of space they tread on.

when i watch these massive jets take off, i often imagine myself as an airplane, as funny as that sounds. eternally bound by the rules and shackles i've set upon myself, not truly breaking free to wander and explore limitlessly. there had been so many missed opportunities because of my timidity, the most obvious of them all being the one where i missed my chance on what you and i could have been had i only been a little bit more brave in my pursuit of you.

but is it really considered a pursuit when i never made myself known a worthy choice?

the realization, of me not trying hard enough, makes me want to cry. but i think i've ran out of tears to shed when i left your apartment earlier today, letting them all out as i stood there alone with my passport in my hand and my luggage standing right next to me.

i should have followed you. chased you down the street, pull on your arm, make a very bold declaration about how i've loved you all these years and that you are wrong in your conclusion that i do not want to be with you, for whatever reason you may think, for any reason at all, because the truth is, i have loved you since time immemorial and i no longer remember who i was before these feelings came about.

believe me when i say that i'm happy that you found someone as brave as him. and for now, i will concede to him. he is the better person now, the one who put his whole heart out on the line for you, the one you truly deserve.

but if reincarnated souls are real, then i hope that you meet me in the next lifetime, megan. because in that next one, i promise that i will find you and that i will no longer be afraid.

i promise there wouldn't be any more missed chances to tell you just how deeply i feel for you, how immensely i love you that the intensity shakes me to the core and scares me sometimes. i promise that if you meet me in the next lifetime, megan, i won't be late.

i promise i won't be late anymore.

x lover

it's been a whole year since you last step foot inside megan's apartment.

after your very dramatic departure the last time you there, you and megan somehow managed to patch things up.

you reached out to her first, three whole days after you landed back home. you sent her a long message about how sorry you were for leaving so soon, about how you will make it up to her, and about how she can take all the time she needs away from you and that you understood.

you expected megan to give you the silent treatment for at least a few weeks minimum.

she replied to you not even two minutes after you sent your message.

"forgiven. can't ever be angry at you. i'm sorry for how i acted too. i didn't mean to lash out." her text message read.

at the very beginning, you both found it a little awkward to still be talking to each other so casually as if you didn't just leave the country without another word said to her, or as if she didn't just raise her voice at you and cry.

but somehow, you moved past it. there's an unspoken rule where the two of you don't talk about that day at all, both agreeing to never mention it ever again.

m,

i have not written to you in a while.

the last letter i wrote to you was written when i was halfway across the world, hurt beyond repair and left all alone to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

it's cliché, i know, but it's true.

i don't know how we managed to go back to who we both were after that encounter. i was just so sure that i lost you, that i screwed up so bad this time that there was no going back with you. i thought that what i did is something you would have found ridiculous to the point that you would find it difficult to forgive, or that you would come to the realization that you don't need to deal with me for the rest of your life and this was just an opportunity that presented itself ever so perfectly in cutting me out of your life completely.

and yet here we are, a year later. i'm still your best friend, we still have weekly facetime calls, and you are still the love of my life.

i have not gone back to cali since a year ago, and i know i always say it's because i have no time to go. that is true, but only partly, because i know that i could always make time if i really wanted to.

the truth is, however, is that as much as i miss you and want to hold you in my arms again, i don't think i'm prepared to go through the pain of seeing you and her again. the thought alone is enough to hurt me. i feel that seeing it with my own two eyes, right in front of me, would be enough to break me completely.

and so i do what i do best: i hide.

i hide behind the premise of work, i hide behind this wall i've put up, and i hide behind the physical distance between us to save me from feeling any more pain because i am so afraid of breaking again.

the past year, honestly, did not feel like a year. all the days and months seemed to have blended into each other, stretching in my mind, and it's as if i can never remember anything else but that night in new york where i just broke and lost all sense of self because in my mind, that is where i feel like i've lost myself the most. it is my end all be all.

but maybe, in a way, the past year has been kind to me too. what was once a gaping hole in my heart is now closed up, just a dull ache every now and then when you remind me that there is someone you love.

maybe being away from you, being apart physically, helped in healing that part that had been broken for so long because right now, i can actually see myself getting over it.

i can actually see myself getting over you.

it was something i never thought was possible in the past, but here i am now, awaiting a foreseeable future where i love you no longer.

maybe seeing you with somebody else, as much as it pained me, actually did me some good.

because for the first time in my life, i can finally see the light at the end of this long, gruesome tunnel that i've been stuck in for so long.

today, i love you.

i love you with every part of me, with every fiber of my being, with every beat of my heart.

but maybe tomorrow or even the day after, when my heart has finally grown weary from all the years i've spent loving you from afar and in silence, it would finally learn to give up all hope it has ever had of you and i finding our way to each other.

and when that day comes, megan, i'll finally be happy for you without having to wish that i was the one you were spending all your intimate moments with.

but today, i love you.

and i still hate seeing you with somebody else.

and i wish i was the girl of your dreams.

i love you, megan.

but my heart is tired and i wish i was the one you loved.

x lover

her name is lara raj.

an assistant at the company you worked at, she's someone you've known for the past year and a half and always thought was attractive but never thought of her as anything more than a friend and a colleague, just someone you could have after work dinner and drinks with and nothing more.

but then you started interacting more. it started with her asking you out to lunch one day at work. and what was supposed to be a one-time thing ended up being a habit. sometimes, you go with other friends, but most of the time, it's just you two.

you enjoy her company. you really do. she makes you laugh, you have great conversations, and your interests align with one another, making it not at all difficult to become close. it didn't take too long before lara started hinting on being more than friends, sending you flowers and offering to drive you to work and back home every now and then. she isn't your girlfriend.

not yet, anyway. but you’ve been seeing each other for a while, and you haven’t rejected a single one of her attempts to win you over.

and when you're with her, you realize that your mind no longer drifts and no longer yearns for megan.

it must have been a month of seeing lara when you told megan about her. you weren't really planning on telling her about lara just yet because you weren't exactly anything, but when megan saw a bouquet of roses sitting in a vase behind you while you were on your weekly facetime call, you had to come clean.

"nice flowers. who got them for you? a secret admirer?" megan snickered.

"not so secret, actually…" you grinned.

megan furrowed her brows in confusion on the screen. "what exactly do you mean?" she asked. her tone was rather flat and not at all teasing like she normally is.

"i've actually… been seeing someone," you began. "from work. i've been seeing someone from work." you don't know why saying that out loud to megan felt like you committed a crime. it was as if you were terrified to see her reaction to you telling her about a potential love interest.

"oh," she said, no excitement or even a hint of happiness in her tone. "who's the lucky dog?"

you rolled your eyes and facepalmed. "it's a girl named lara. she's an assistant at work."

"rara? what kind of name is that?"

"lara. she gets me flowers and drives me to work and back home, and she tells me that i'm pretty."

"hmph. i get you flowers too, y/n. and i used to drive you everywhere you wanted. and i always tell you you're pretty when you ask!" megan tried to argue.

"well, you're not here anymore to do any of those things, aren't you?"

"whatever," she huffed, rolling her eyes. "i bet she drives you around in a beat up 1999 toyota that stalls every ten minutes."

"for your information, she drives a 2022 volkswagen."

megan crossed her arms. "seriously? you're telling me that you're seeing someone who drives you around in a car that costs less than my side mirror?"

"megan," you said, laughing. "i could care less about the vehicle as long as i get to wherever i want."

you didn't know why the tone megan used when saying that felt like she was trying to one-up lara. it's not like you would suddenly replace her as your best friend just because you started dating someone.

"the difference, megan, that i am dating her and not you," you teased.

"then date me."

your eyes widened in surprise.

"woah," she said, looking at anywhere but the camera on her device. "where did that come from?" she chuckled nervously before looking up to meet your eyes on screen once again.

you had to smile at her, pretending that you didn't just feel your heart break in your chest once again.

that weekend, lara planned a day out for you, inviting you to go to an arcade with her to rewind a bit.

"you've been really stressed lately," she said. "i thought that this would help you, even if just for a little bit."

you remembered smiling gratefully at her, accepting her invitation. she then told you that she would pick you up at your house at five pm and that you should just be ready for a whole day of fun.

the day of the arcade date came and as you were getting ready, the doorbell suddenly rang. you looked at your phone to check the time. you still had a little bit of time before five pm. but when the doorbell wouldn't stop ringing, you started to grow annoyed and forced yourself to get up and get the door to see who was trying to ragebait you.

you prepared to argue with the person on the other side of the door, but when you swung it open and found megan, of all people, standing there with an innocent grin on her face, all your thoughts flew out the window.

"ooh, bad time?" she asked as she eyed you up. "where you going?"

you continued to stare at her, your line of vision shifting between the bright look on her face and her luggage that was next to her, completely bewildered about what was happening because this was the last thing you expected to greet you on a saturday afternoon.

just when you were about to speak, lara's car rounded the corner, slowing to a stop outside your house. megan must've noticed as well, because she suddenly turned to look behind her. you didn't miss the way a scowl immediately form on her face soon after.

lara let herself out of her car, a bouquet of tulips in one hand while her free hand waved at you. she walked towards your front door, a wide smile on her face, as if you were the only one she could see.

"hey, gorgeous," she beamed as she handed you the bouquet. "are you ready to go?"

you were about to open your mouth to formulate a response, but was interrupted by a rather exaggerated cough.

"excuse me? who the fuck are you?" megan butted in. you almost forgot she was there. "and why are you giving y/n flowers?"

lara stared blankly at megan, scratching the nape of her neck as she looked into your best friend's blazing eyes. if looks could kill, lara would probably drop dead to the pavement right now. "uh…"

"what?" megan asked before turning to you, her eyebrows furrowed and forehead tensed. "y/n, why is this stranger giving you flowers?"

megan didn't even give you any time to answer her question, because she turned away to examine the flowers and then back at lara.

"and tulips? seriously, man? y/n fucking hates tulips."

megan continued to stare lara down, and you could only watch as the latter seem to cower in fear at the way your best friend was glaring at her.

"i'm sorry," she apologized profusely. "i didn't know."

"yeah, yeah. whatever. get the fuck out of here," she said dismissively.

lara looked like she was about to make a run for it, but before she could take a step, you reached out for her hand and tried to smile as gently as you could to her. you could feel megan burning holes into the back of your head.

"i'm ready, just give me a minute," you told lara.

"where exactly are you going?" megan asked. when you turned to look at her, she had her arms crossed against her chest and an eyebrow raised at you.

"megan, this is lara, and we planned out a day at the arcade today."

"oh. okay," she said. you thought she finally conceded to defeat.

how wrong you were.

"i'm calling shotgun," she continued as she took hurried steps to lara's parked car, opening the passenger door and sitting down inside.

lara just stared at you with wide eyes.

"that's megan," you sighed before motioning for her to help you get her luggage inside your house. "that's my best friend."

"isn't she in california?" she asked.

"she was in cali," you corrected her. "and now she's in your car."

m,

i've accepted the fact that i did this to myself: that i caused myself this pain, that i only had myself to blame for the hurt i had to endure, that it was my fault for not telling you i loved you out of fear that you would get scared and leave me alone.

thinking about it now, how unfair it was for me to think so low of you because i know now that you would never leave me, regardless of what i tell you.

even if i was going to tell you that i loved you far more than a best friend should.

but here i am now, megan. crawling out of the cage i put myself in all these years by bravely opening my heart out to someone new.

she does everything you used to do for me.

she makes me laugh, she makes me smile, she buys me flowers, she makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

she holds my hand, gives me her jacket when i'm cold, and goes out of her way to make me happy.

she would send me songs in the middle of the day just because she says it reminds her of me, she would randomly check up on me throughout the day, and she would even keep my favorite snacks in her bag just in case i need a pick-me-up.

the only difference between you and her, megan, is that she actually sees me as someone more than just a friend.

she sees me as a partner, a love interest, a future.

all the things i could have only hoped you would see me as.

if someone were to ask me if i liked lara as anything more than a friend, the answer is simple: yes, i do. i do like her as more than a friend.

but as unfair as this may sound, the reason i see her as such is because when she touches me, when she holds me, and when she makes me laugh that tears form in my eyes, she is almost exactly like you.

it's a fucked up thing to be saying, i know. but this is how i'm moving on from you: by compromising.

i compromise and accept the way i feel about her because she is as close to you as i will ever get.

i don't imagine your face in my mind when i am with her, let us get that out of the way. but the way she acts around me and the way she speaks to me is the exact same way you do: gentle and loving.

the only difference, again, is that with lara, my affection is returned.

but then you returned out of the blue.

right then and there, was a comparison between you, the love of my life, the only love i've ever known; and lara, a potential love interest.

and megan, the answer was so obvious.

my heart, my stupid, dumb heart, will always choose you.

because it suddenly did not matter that lara makes me feel like the only girl in the world, because with you, i am reminded that i am the entire universe.

because it suddenly did not matter that she calls me beautiful, because when you look at me, i feel like i'm the only one you ever see, the only one worth looking at, something that the word 'beautiful' couldn't encapsulate completely.

and because it suddenly did not matter that i felt something for her, because when you suddenly appeared out of nowhere that saturday afternoon, my heart, my mind, my body, and all my senses reminded me that megan, you are the one i love.

it does not matter that lara loves me, or that i see her as a potential partner, or that i feel my love for you has dwindled down when she came into the picture.

because the truth is, megan, you have made a home out of my heart.

and my heart, my stupid, dumb heart, will always welcome you back home with open arms.

maybe i really am doomed to be in love with you for the rest of my life.

x lover

"so, megan, why are you back home all of a sudden?"

megan chuckled, shaking her head amusedly. "am i not allowed to come back home anymore?"

"you know that's not what i meant, dummy," you said as you playfully punched her arm.

"i needed to take a break," she began. "just so happened that my mom was hosting a party. i've been rejecting her invitations for two whole years now, and maybe a part of me felt guilty. it all just seemed to have worked out, you know? i needed a break, mom wanted me home for a party. all that equalled a much-deserved vacation."

megan shrugged before she shifted her attention back on the television. you were in her living room, sitting together on the couch. she didn't bother to have the volume on, relying completely on the subtitles on the bottom of the screen to make out the story instead.

"ah," you say, a little deflated. "if you needed a vacation so badly, you could have just went to switzerland or something. they do retreats there, don't they?"

"yeah, i guess."

"you could have even taken jonah with you," you tried to sound as uncaring and nonchalant as you could.

but then you saw the way megan visibly freeze at the mention of the name.

that was not the reaction you were expecting.

"hey," you reached out for her hand that was resting on her lap. "what's wrong?"

megan took in a deep breath before she intertwined your fingers together, her thumb rubbing circles against your hand in a way that instantly brought you a sense of comfort you knew only with her.

"jonah and i," she began, inhaling sharply. "jonah and i have broken up."

"what?!" you exclaimed. "and you're only telling me about this now?!"

"i didn't think it was important," she said.

"of course it's important, megan! i would have wanted to know about these things!" you say as she lowered her head, avoiding your gaze.

"i'm sorry for not telling you," she said, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze. "but it really wasn't that big a deal. we just decided we weren't a good match after all. we still talk to each other sometimes. there's no hard feelings. we're still friends."

"megan, come on. 'not a good match'? you guys were all over each other the last time i saw you both."

"what do you want me to say, y/n?" she chuckled lightly to herself. "sometimes physical compatibility isn't enough to make a relationship work."

"but love is," you tried to reason. "you loved jonah, didn't you?"

fuck, that hurt to say out loud.

megan retracted her grip from your hand to take the glass of wine she had, chugging all of it in one mouthful before she took the remote to finally pause the movie you were watching.

"y/n, let me ask you something," she said. her tone was gentle, but you felt an underlying sense of dread.

"have you ever been in love?"

have you ever been in love?

"of course," you told her. "of course i have been in love."

"lara?" she asked, her voice barley a whisper. one side of your mouth tug up at a pathetic attempt at a smile. you didn't say anything and just shrugged.

no.

not her.

i'm in love with you.

nobody else.

"i was in love once, too," megan breathed out.

you watched as she rested her head on the end of the couch, her eyes never leaving yours.

"but love isn't always enough, sweetheart. and that is the god awful truth."

i was in love once, too.

fuck.

m,

it was a confession, wasn't it?

i want to blame it on whatever god is out there, on fate, the universe. why am i only finding out about this now?

why are you only admitting to me now that there was a time in your life that you once reciprocated my emotions, that you were once in love with me too?

do you know how much it hurts, megan? do you know how much it hurts to find out that i had a chance and that i never even knew i did? do you think i would have kept all these emotions to myself, allowed myself to go through all that pain, had i known that once upon a time, you felt for me as much as i felt for you too?

why only now, megan?

why only now that i'm finally learning to open my heart up to someone new?

why only now that we're older and tired and my heart is weary from all the years i've spent loving you from afar?

and why only now? why only now when you're finally done with loving me in the way i've always wanted you to, in the way i've always needed you to?

do you even have any idea, any inkling at all, just how much it hurts? do you know how much it hurts to realize that you once loved me too, and that we never gave each other a chance to nurture that love, to grow it into something that would keep us warm at night?

do you know how many times i've had my heart broken over you? i never knew a heart was capable of shattering that much, and there you were, doing it so effortlessly and with ease all these years. i don't even think you know just how many nights i've spent crying my eyes out because the girl i'm in love with, the only one i've ever loved, does not see me the way i see her.

and now i find out that there was a time that you did?

why did you not say anything?

why did you not do anything?

and why is it that even after all of this, i am still the only one hurting?

how is it that you've managed to move on, and yet here i am, still stuck and in love with you, so much to the point that my heart just refuses to let anyone else in?

i wish you knew i love you, but what's the point?

today, megan, i love you. i love you so much that it drives me insane, that it makes me want to kiss you, that it makes me want to drag you out to the nearest courthouse to marry you.

but maybe tomorrow, when i've finally wrapped my head around all of this, maybe that love will learn to eventually mellow out. from what was once a bright, burning flame, will now turn into ashes on the ground, a faint reminder that i once loved you with a fire that could not be put out. because at least now i know, megan. at least now i know that you and i were just not meant to be together in this lifetime. but as always, i'll wish to get it right in the next.

looking back at it all, i believe that we could have been something great, you and i.

i guess i just wish we never let those chances slip away.

maybe we'll get it right in the next one.

maybe next time, we'll be brave.

x lover

after the last letter you wrote to megan, nothing much has changed. you went and fell back into your normal routines, with you going back to work and megan using every chance she could get to travel the world.

she'd been away a lot in the last two years, something you found to be both a blessing and a curse. a blessing because you had no more reasons to fall deeper into her, but also a curse because she was always on your mind.

megan just got back from a two-week long vacation in china, never shutting up about the amazing dumplings they had over there and that you should both visit together next time.

it's a beautiful autumn day today. the skies were the most perfect shade of blue, the leaves were a multicolor of brown, orange, and red. almost everybody you saw had a cup of hot chocolate in their hand. a lot of people were making plans for upcoming vacation getaways, or road trips, and then there's the rest who were just happy enough to spend it under the sun, wherever that may be.

for you, you found utmost joy in just being able to sit down by yourself at this park nearby. just as you sat down on a bench that overlooked a small lake there, your phone started ringing.

on any other occasion, you would have been annoyed because of the interruption, but you couldn't stop the corners of your mouth from going up when you saw the caller id.

"hey you," the voice on the other line chirped.

"hello to you too," you greeted back.

"are you doing anything tonight?"

"hmm," you thought it over. "i don't think so, no. why?"

"wanted to take you out tonight. is that alright?"

you smiled at the request, nodding a little as you answered. "of course."

"perfect. i'll see you tonight."

you and lara had been dating for two years now. she asked you to be her girlfriend not long after the arcade date that megan had crashed.

to be honest, there are still some moments where you feel guilty being with her. you do feel something for lara, that's for sure, but it could not be compared to the magnitude of your emotions for megan. still, you had to try. in the beginning, there was a lot of self-loathing because you felt that you were being unfair to someone who loved you sincerely.

but it didn't take long before you learned to love her back. before you knew it, you were celebrating your first anniversary. and now, your second anniversary. and you no longer find yourself cringing at the idea of spending your entire life with her.

it also helped that megan was away a lot, forever going on her escapades abroad.

maybe absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

it was half past seven by the time you and lara walked into this french restaurant that just opened up recently. you heard great reviews about the place, with people from other cities coming over just to give it a try. it was an overnight sensation from the moment they first opened their doors.

you were sitting across lara at the dinner table, and after placing your orders, you realized that she looked all nervous and fidgety. there was an uncomfortable atmosphere that surrounded her, which made you feel a little nervous yourself. you reached out for her hand that was resting on the table, immediately making her look at you with wide eyes, as if you just caught her completely off guard.

"are you alright?" you asked her, your thumb caressing her hand.

lara smiled gently at you from across the table, giving your hand a small squeeze before she nodded. "there's something i want to ask you," she said. "but let's save that for after dinner?"

you wanted her to just spit out whatever she needed to say, but the more sensible part of you just decided to just nod even if your curiosity was getting the best of you.

the food soon arrived, and even if it looked scrumptious, you didn't have an appetite for it. for some reason, the idea of lara wanting to 'ask you something' at the end of this meal scared you out of your wits, so much to the point that you had a difficult time trying to make conversation with her throughout the night. it was only when the final plate on the table was cleared was when you finally felt yourself be able to breathe again, but it was short-lived because she was already opening her mouth to speak.

"y/n, i love you," she began. "and i have dreamed of futures with you."

you only sat there with anticipation coursing through your veins, your heart pounding against your chest. you didn't even realize just how cold your hands have gotten until she intertwined her fingers with yours together, her hand providing you warmth.

lara took a deep breath and paused, gathering herself.

"all i really wanted to ask you tonight was that, if you've ever dreamed of a future with me too?"

you only continued to stare at her. lara's eyes looked at you with nothing but tenderness, but there was also a hint curiosity in them too.

"what? of course i've thought of a future together," you said, sounding more defensive than you would have liked.

lara shook her head, a small smile on her face like she knew something that you didn't.

"it's easy to think of futures, love," she told you. "but have you ever dreamed of it?"

the truth is, you have not dreamed of it. you have thought of a future with her, one where you get married and retire somewhere quiet, but it is not your dream. still, you did not want to break the heart of the woman sitting in front of you, and so you chose silence instead.

she must have understood because she withdrew her hand soon after.

"i met up with megan after she came back from one of her trips recently," she admitted. "and i asked her about marrying you."

you wanted to say something, but it was as if your throat closed up and you couldn't utter a single word in response, so you just stared at lara, letting her continue.

"i always used to think that she was always just really protective of you, that she has made it her entire life's mission to keep you away from harm," she added. "when i met up with her, i was confused as to why i even thought of it, of why i felt like i had to ask for her permission to do the things i wanted to do. i wanted to ask you to marry me, it shouldn't have been that hard. and yet there i was, feeling so small and undeserving."

"why would you feel that way?"

"because i thought the world of you and i used to think that was enough," she said. "but megan... megan must have thought you to be the entire galaxy."

lara's eyes were shining brightly, swimming with unshed tears, betraying the smile that she had on her face.

"i never saw it before," she continued. "but then i saw how she looked at you. and then i saw how you looked at her."

you felt like your heart was getting squeezed. you couldn't breathe.

"so now, y/n, i'll ask you again. have you ever dreamed of a future with me?"

you so badly wanted to say yes, force out a fantasy in your mind where you truly believe that you want to be with lara for the rest of your life. that you dreamed of being together forever, that you dreamed of living under one roof with her, that you dreamed of an entire life ahead of the both of you.

and then megan comes raging through your thoughts.

her warm, chocolate eyes. the slop of her nose. her long hair, dyed pink at the ends. the way her breath feels against your skin. the way your skin burns every time she hugs you. the way she laughs. the way she smiles. the way she makes you feel.

and then you realized that you couldn't force yourself to dream of a tangible future with lara when megan was right there, always right there, your love for her invading every single part of your heart that you had tried to convince yourself she no longer owns.

everything was too overwhelming, that you couldn't do anything but sob. tears were actively running down your face, dampening the fabric of the top you decided to wear for the night.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry," you kept repeating, over and over again, until you could taste your own salty tears. and even when you knew that you just broke lara's heart, there she was, holding you against her chest.

the rest of the night was a blur, and the only thing you truly remember was the last thing lara had said to you.

"y/n, when you find something you truly love, don't you ever let it go."

you don't recall how you tumbled back home or how you found yourself collapsing on your bed. and truth be told, you didn't really want to remember. it was a horrible feeling to break someone's heart, guilt completely washing over you as you think back to the last two years you spent with lara.

you loved her, for sure, but it really was nothing compared to the kind of love you've always had for megan. because if it was anything like it, if it was even just a small fraction of it, you would not have chosen to break her heart.

and yet here you are, feeling like a teenager having their heart broken for the first time, burying her head into her pillows as she continues to cry over a love that isn't hers.

you weren't even supposed to notice it, but when you moved your head, something sitting on your desk caught your eye. curiosity evidently got the best of you. you forced yourself to stand up to walk over to the mysterious envelope on top of your desk.

'for y/n. because i have to let you know,' it read.

it was in megan's handwriting.

you didn't even hesitate before opening it up, to find that it was a letter from her.

sweetheart,

before i start, i guess a congratulatory message is in place.

congratulations! you're an engaged woman now.

who would've imagined? my best friend in the entire world, my sidekick, my go-to, my ride or die. where once we were inseparable, i now have to give way to someone else.

it may not seem like it because of what's about to come for you in this letter, but i'm happy for you.

i really am.

but by the time you read this, i would be on a plane that would take me back to california. and you may feel sad, or even betrayed, but i think above all, you would first be wondering why.

i know i'll have to come clean to you eventually, but believe me when i say that this isn't how i imagined this would go.

let me start this off by saying this: i love you, y/n.

and believe me when i say that i used to imagine telling you this in a multitude of ways.

and yet here i am now, not even giving you the chance to make me change my mind. all because i know that all it would take is one word from you and i would forgo of this all. just like that time when i left for los angeles the first time. do you remember that? i wanted so badly for you to stop me from going, to tell me to stay right here, to never leave your side. and i still remember the heartbreak i felt when i looked into your eyes to find no trace of hesitation when you told me i should go.

i know you told me to go because you wanted me to see more of the world, but y/n, if only you knew that i could care less about the world. not when my axis revolved around you, not when i think the entire world of you, and especially not when you held all these galaxies in your eyes.

the world didn't matter. it couldn't. not when the only world i wanted to be in was the one in which you existed close to me.

y/n, i want you to know that i'm leaving today not because i want to leave you behind (i never want to be away from you), but because i am physically incapable of pretending that this does not hurt me at all.

because it does.

it really, really, really (can i say that enough times to truly show you the scale of how i feel?) hurts.

it all began when lara asked to meet with me a few months ago to tell me that she was going to ask you to marry her, completely catching me off guard and not hearing anything else she said that day because the bomb she dropped on me kept ringing in my ears.

"i'm going to ask y/n to marry me," she admitted to me.

and i remember sitting in that downtown café with her, watered down iced lattes sitting on the table between us, feeling my heart break apart at the very fine threads that held it because i just knew in that moment that this is where i lose you, that this is where i give you up.

this is where every single hope, every single fantasy, and every single dream i had of you and i, together and blissfully in love, is given up.

isn't it amazing, though? how despite the fact that i wanted so badly to tell her to fuck off, scream at the very top of my lungs at her until it burns my throat, i set all that aside just because when it comes to you, i could never be selfish?

when it comes to you, my innate ability to refuse just does not seem to exist.

and so even if it pained me, ripped my entire heart apart, i told her everything you once told me about this dream wedding you once imagined.

do you remember that? because i do. i wasn't lying when i told you i remember everything about you, but now that i think about it, maybe that's my curse: no detail that involves you escapes me, making the pain that much more unbearable and heavy.

i'm sorry i couldn't be there to witness it, but i hope she did everything right. and even if she didn't, i hope you don't make her feel too bad about it.

lara loves you, y/n. sometimes, i'm afraid, more than i love you. because she was brave. because she put herself out there for you. because she was able to show it to you in all the ways i was simply too afraid to.

but then i think about how people say love is the most selfless act.

and y/n, when it comes to you, i can never be selfish. i love you that much. i love you so much that i am willing to give way. i love you, y/n. and i don't love you the way two best friends love one another, it's more than that.

i love you more than universes combined, than all the stars in the sky, than all the galaxies in space. i love you in the quiet, in the mundane, in the ordinary. i even love you in the noise, in the chaos, in the absolutely magnificent.

i love you, y/n. more than i've ever loved anything or anyone in my life.

to cut it short, i am in love with you. i have been for a while now. and i'm sorry that this is how you find out. you've always been one for grandeur, for bold declarations, for obvious intentions. and i'm sorry that even when i'm putting my whole heart on the line, i choose to do it this simply instead: still hiding behind these words even when i'm bearing my whole heart out to you, to let you know that i have loved you all this time.

that i have never loved anybody else.

that there was never anybody else.

and that, i'm afraid, there will never be anybody else.

i'm ending this letter with a quote from one of my favorite books by lemony snicket, all because i cannot think of a better way to articulate these emotions i've kept from you. it is one i often go back to, and one that immediately makes my mind dart back to you:

"i will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close… i will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory.

i will love you no matter where you go and who you see, i will love you if you don't marry me. i will love you if you marry someone else— and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all.

that is how i will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way."

i like to imagine that sometimes: you and i in a universe far away from this one, where we got it all right, happily in love now and forevermore.

but i love you in this world, y/n, the one where i was too afraid to ask for more from you.

if it's any consolation, i'm certain that i love you in every other world, in every other universe, in every sense of the word, with every beat of my heart, and with every fiber of my entire being. you are the love of my life, y/n. i just hope another version of me in another version of the world got it right.

and i know that i once told you that love isn't always enough. but you do not know how badly i wish it was for us.

i love you.

x m

fuck.

there are moments in life where you thoroughly convince yourself that you're the protagonist of your own romantic comedy.

there's moments that aren't really moments, but rather, feelings. like the way your heart beats rapidly against your chest, the way your skin feels like it's crawling when the very subject of your emotions touches you, or even the way your entire soul feels at ease every time they're near.

and then there's moments like yours: driving recklessly, honking violently, peering your head out the window of my car to shout at everyone to move out of my way.

you had one hand on the steering wheel, your other hand dialing megan's number over and over again, hoping that she'd pick up at least one of your calls. the longer the ringing went on, the more you felt your heart break, the more tears threatened to escape, the more desperate you began to feel.

on any other day, you'd laugh at the ridiculousness of this all. you were in your car, veering through traffic, trying your very best to get to the love of your life before she leaves you behind.

you had to admit: there was a certain elation you felt after reading megan's letter. instantly, you felt lighter, as if you didn't just break someone's heart mere moments before. there was something in your soul that felt peace, like it told you 'finally, we're here'.

but that feeling of elation was quickly replaced by desperation. you had to find her, to have her, to be with her.

by the time you got to the airport, you were a disheveled mess. there were tear streak stains on your face from crying earlier on and your hair was all over the place. your hand grasped on tightly to the letter megan left in your room, the edges crumpled and ruined. you must have looked like a mental hospital escapee, but in that moment, how you looked didn't matter.

you scoured the whole place. you'd peek your head in every single restaurant littered all over the terminal. you'd look as far as you possibly could through the departure gates to see if you could catch even a glimpse of her.

it was only when you were close to finish scoping through all the establishments at the airport, that you saw a familiar silhouette move at the very far end of the hall.

megan was wearing an oversized grey hoodie, the one you got her a few years ago. she had her head down, one hand on her suitcase. she looked troubled, but you didn't think you've ever been so glad to see her.

and so you ran.

you ran until your own lungs felt like they were going to burn and collapse, until your leg muscles felt like they were about to give out, until you were chasing after your own breath, until the tears that were only threatening to form in my eyes moments earlier started to blur your vision.

by the time megan caught sight of you, she looked like she had just seen a ghost. she stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes wide, and her lips were parted in confusion. as you inched closer towards her, you could see that her eyes were red and puffy, and there was nothing you wanted more than to just throw your arms around her and tell her that she got it all wrong.

you practically leaped into her arms, sobbing against her shoulder as she held you. megan was patting your back and holding you securely. you would have been content enough to stay here with her holding you close, but you knew that you had to stop her from going anywhere first.

there were so many things you wanted to ask her, so many things you wanted to tell her. you wanted to ask her why she's going, you wanted to tell her to not go, you wanted to pour your entire heart out to her. instead, all you managed to squeak out was just one single word.

"why?" you managed to choke out.

"why?" megan asked dumbly, sounding genuinely confused.

the words were at the very tip of your tongue. you wanted to tell her to stop, tell her to come back home with you, come back home to you, tell her to forget about all of this. but you were preoccupied with crying, not being able to do anything but point at her suitcase that was just right next to her.

"why?" you asked again.

"ah," she chuckled. "you mean the luggage?"

megan had a smile on her face. her eyes were kind. there was nothing you wanted more than to swim in them, those warm pools of honey that had always kept you at peace, that gave you comfort, that always had a way of making you fall in love with her, over and over again, over the last few years.

even now that you're standing at a crowded airport with people giving you dirty looks, megan was looking at you as if you were the only one in the world.

"there's somewhere i have to be," she told you.

"don't," you choked out in between sobs. "don't go."

you felt like you were going faint.

yet she just smiled at you, breaking your heart even more.

"congratulations on the engagement," she told you. no, no, no. "send me an invite to the wedding?"

your head was starting to hurt from the amount of times i've had to shake my head at her. no, megan. you got it all wrong.

"no…"

"no?" she chuckled. "i'm not invited to the wedding?"

she was smiling but the stray tear that rolled down her own face betrayed her. you're not sure how much more your heart can possibly break.

"why do you keep running away from me?"

you watched as megan opened her mouth only to end up closing it again. it was as if what she wanted to tell you was just right there, but she chose to bite it back down instead.

something about megan falling silent infuriated you, a sudden sense of rage coursing through you. why is she still choosing silence even now?

"why is running away your answer to everything?" you spat out. "why would you do that to me? did you not think, even for a single moment, how i would have felt if i found this much later? did you not think about me at all?"

megan only stared at you, her bottom lip quivering a little at the sight of you directing all your pent-up anger at her because of all the years you both wasted.

"why would you write me a letter like this?" you accused, showing her the crumpled up piece of paper that you've been tightly grasping in your hand. you were spitting out words that you know would cut her deep, but you just couldn't stop.

you couldn't stop because of the years you and megan wasted.

you couldn't stop because you felt completely blindsided.

you couldn't stop because you've spent so much time apart, or with different people, or in different parts of the world when you and megan should have just been close. always close.

you couldn't stop because even now that you know your love had always been reciprocated, megan chose to leave you behind again.

"you write me a letter like this, confessing your undying love for me, and yet here you are, running away from me? did you even mean a single word here?"

you were so angry. at the world. at the universe. at the missed chances. at the wasted opportunities. at megan. at yourself. at everything.

and then megan finally allowed herself to cry, and you heard her mumble an almost inaudible "i'm sorry" as her entire body started to shake.

"you've given up on me," your voice cracked. "you didn't even try to fight for me. you just gave me away."

"you didn't even want to hear what i have to say," you continued, finally allowing yourself to sob that you tried so hard to swallow back down.

you watched as megan tried to will away her own tears, forcing herself to look away from you. in that moment, you were so afraid that she would turn around and head for the gates, for the plane, for california. you were afraid that you were going to lose her once and for all, that she was done with you.

all your fears came true when the speakers blared about a flight to los angeles, megan's hands suddenly finding their way to her suitcase handle.

"you're leaving me," you breathed, all the air leaving your lungs.

megan just nodded at you, a smile on her face as her tears continued to fall out of her eyes. you watched the way she took a deep breath, the way she looked down, the way she straightened her posture, and eventually, the way she looked up again to meet your eyes, a sudden determination written over her face that was not there before.

but your hand was quick to grab her by the arm, locking her in place.

"do you not want to hear what i have to say?"

"y/n, what are you even doing here? you should be with lara to celebr—"

"i love you," you admitted, cutting her off and effectively making her eyes almost bulge out of their own sockets. "and i have loved you since we were kids, not understanding the scale of my emotions for you. all i knew back then was that there was nobody else i wanted to be around but you."

megan looked statued, as if she was prepared to hear anything but your abrupt confession.

"i loved you when we were in university, playing house and thinking that i could have loved you for the rest of my life," you said, wiping the tears away from your eyes.

"i loved you when i went to london. i loved you when you left for los angeles. i loved you when i left you behind in that studio apartment you had because seeing you with someone else hurt that i could just not be around you. i loved you when i was with her. i loved you when i told you about my dream wedding so many years ago that i wanted only you to fulfill."

megan just continued to stare, looking like she was trying to process every single word you were saying to her but at the same time, not truly understanding the weight of it all.

"and megan," you croaked. "when lara asked me about futures, at the very brink of asking me to marry her, i realized that i could not keep deluding myself into thinking that she is the one i want. not when you're here. not when the only future i wanted was the one with you in it, not when i wanted you to be the one to love me for the rest of my life, and especially not when it has been so long and there has never been anyone else. it was only ever you."

by the time you uttered the last word, you felt so tired. you felt your knees giving out, and your body sank to the floor because you were just so drained.

just before you could totally hit the ground, however, a familiar warmth enveloped you. you had not even wrapped your head around everything, all your thoughts muffled and blurred as it tried to make sense of what was happening instead: a pair of lips pressed against yours, slowly and gently and lovingly. you felt yourself fall into it completely, suddenly feeling all your exhaustion leave your body as it gets replaced by a sense of comfort instead.

kissing megan felt like your soul has finally found peace, like something deep within you said 'it's been a long time coming, but you're finally here'. it felt like everything suddenly fell into place, like everything is right where it's supposed to be, like you've finally reached the end of this gruesome tunnel and have found the light.

and with the way she's kissing you, the way she's holding you close, the way you could feel her smile against you, you believed that she feels the same way too.

and in that moment, in that one glorious, shining moment where you finally felt like everything finally fell into place, one thing became clear to you:

you are finally exactly where you needed to be.

sweetheart,

this is a reality i never thought would have ever been mine. it wasn't long ago when i used to only dream of this, anyway.

never would i have ever imagined, in my wildest dreams, that i would have married my best friend.

but there you are, anyway. there's a gold band shining on your ring finger. it made me immediately look at my own hand, the same identical band on mine to symbolize that i will love you forevermore.

the symbolism of our everlasting love suddenly me transported back to our wedding day. i remember telling you that i wanted a rolex as a wedding gift from my (then) soon-to-be wife. i've been eyeing that watch for some time, and i remember joking to you that it's the least you could give to me for officially taking me off the market.

i remember how you hit my shoulder harshly before storming off and locking me out of our shared bedroom for the rest of the night.

a few hours before the ceremony (and before i got to call you mrs skiendiel, something i still get giddy over), i remember receiving a velvet box. i was over the moon, thinking that you actually got me the rolex i wanted.

instead, when i opened the box up, all i saw were pieces of papers, all folded up neatly. some of them have yellowed edges, some of them were written in pink ink.

i don't remember what i thought when i first opened the box up, but when i picked up one of the letters (the one dated almost 15 years ago, when we were in high school) and started to read through it, i realized that they were letters you've written for me from way back when. as i was reading them, only one thing became clear to me:

you've always been in love with me, the same way i've always been in love with you.

and i remember wanting to laugh at it all because it took us so long to find our way to one another. 15 years, baby.

15 years of being with different people, 15 years of hidden desires, 15 years of secretly yearning for each other, 15 years that we've wasted because we both never spoke up.

in that moment, all i truly remember was knowing that i'm never going to waste even a single moment with you. from thereafter, i just knew that there would be nothing that would ever get in my way in showing you the way i love you.

not anyone, not anything, not even myself.

i would no longer be clouded by fear, or by self-doubt. because all that matters is you, y/n. you are all that has ever mattered to me. and i swore it upon myself that i would never give you a reason to ever second-guess that.

by the time i finished reading though it all, i was a sobbing mess with red, puffy eyes.

i remember laughing as the tears continued to roll down my cheeks, my make-up artist scrambling to get me ready again because i was getting married in mere moments and yet there i was, a disheveled mess because my wife decided that this was the perfect time to make me the most emotional.

i also remember standing at that altar, waiting for you to come through the doors. i was so happy, y/n, you couldn't imagine just how much. and then the waterworks started again. and i remember how you laughed as you walked towards me, tears rolling down your own face.

i don't think i've ever loved you more.

but of course, that would be a lie because i love you more with every brand new day spent with you.

i love you everyday. that comprises of every single second, every single day, and every single moment granted to us.

i loved you in my youth, far too confused and unaware of the intensity of my emotions for you.

i love you now, enjoying the peace and tranquility that only you could provide.

and i will love you when we're old and grey, frail and weak knees as we watch the sun dip below the horizon from our front porch.

i love you during all of the seasons, i love you with every fiber of my being, i love you with every single beat of my heart.

i love you in every planet both discovered and not. i love you in every universe, in this one and in every alternate one you so strongly believe in.

i love you in this world and the next, and even every single one thereafter. there is nobody else, and i never want anybody else. there will never be anyone else.

i am so thankful that we got it right.

i love you.

x m

a/n ; i think i may have a thing for airport confessions...😰 and that wraps up my longest fic of all time 🤗 thank you for reading until the end.