the way our horizons meet

Lydia Coral. Eighteen years young. There isn't a damn thing wrong with me. " Who you are is who you are. We’re liars. We’re thieves. We’re addicts. We take our happiness for granted until we hurt ourselves or someone else. We hold grudges. And when faced with our mistakes, we reinvent the past. We reinvent ourselves. At least we try. We’re prideful, and we’re lustful, and we’re incredibly flawed. And eventually, our flaws catch up to us." disclaimer; this is a roleplay blog. nothing's real, this person doesn't exist, and i own nothing unless iotherwise stated. also i'm not melissa benoist if you haven't figured that out yet, i'm just using her perfect face.

[lydia-coral]

I'm Fallin' In, I'm Going There Again | Nikki/Lydia

[nikkicorday-deactivated20160218]

Nikki shrank back, sad and suddenly shy in front of her girlfriend. “O-okay,” she whispered. She was confused and scared by Lydia’s sudden strange behaviour. Something was obviously so wrong, and it hurt Nikki so much to feel so helpless. Feeling helpless was one of the things she hated most and was frankly one of the scariest things she felt. She hated how powerless she could be.

When Lydia told her to leave, she felt the air escape from her chest. Her vision blurred, and she felt herself slipping, but she held on with everything she had to stay awake and conscious. Now was not the time to fall asleep. Nikki took a deep breath and the wave of sleepiness passed to her extreme relief. She swallowed hard and faced Lydia. “I’m not gonna leave if I can’t be sure you’ll be safe… Please, Lydia, please…” The sentence had begun confidently, but as Nikki’s chest tightened, her words crumbled away.

[lydia-coral]

Lydia wished she had her cell phone. She also wished Nikki would leave. She knew this wasn't going to end the way anyone would want it, and she knew it was going to take a nice long talk with Erica, with a few 'I told you so's thrown in from her every so often, to calm her down again. 

Dammit Nikki now is not the time to get confident and stick with my ass! Lydia thought desperately. Can't you tell it's not safe?! "I'm not going to be safe, Nikki!" Lydia yelled, frustrated. "I'm not ever going to be safe! Someway, somehow I'm always going to be a danger to myself! To you! To everyone!" Her other fist clenched, and her breathed became slightly more labored, the anger slowly taking over. "I'm not safe!" she repeated. This would be the perfect time for security to show up. Kind of like in the movies whenever something's about to go wrong. Unfortunately, this isn't a movie. This is your life. 

Clenching her jaw, Lydia's eyes closed, shaking her head.  Before she could stop herself, she pushed herself away from the wall, her fist swinging. She prayed to whatever or whoever would listen that she'd connect with the wall, but when her fist made contact, she knew she was nowhere close to the wall. Instantly the rage went away, replaced by intense fear that was evident in her eyes as she realized her worst fear had come true. No...no...no, no, no....dammit...why didn't she listen to me?! I told her this was going to happen! 

[lydia-coral]

I'm Fallin' In, I'm Going There Again | Nikki/Lydia

[nikkicorday-deactivated20160218]

"I— I’m sorry," Nikki said quickly, as if she’d been slapped. She looked down at the floor and felt her face flush. Her throat felt funny, and she cleared her throat quietly to try to get rid of the weird feeling. It didn’t help, so she spoke instead. "We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but… Is there anything I can do?" she asked softly.

She missed Lydia so much. How could she believe Lydia that nothing was wrong when she was acting so strange and unfamiliar? Nikki couldn’t help wondering if she did something wrong, and she bit her tongue to keep herself from blurting the question. Lydia would probably get frustrated with her, and that wouldn’t do either of them any good.

[lydia-coral]

Her fist clenched, before she could stop it. "There's nothing anyone can do." she muttered. Because you won't let anyone help you. Because I don't deserve anyone's help. Fucking hell. I thought the first low was bad. This is even worse, because it's both stages in one; the depression, the anger...and now it's just intensified. 

Her fist doesn't unclench. You're breaking your girlfriend you idiot. She knows Nikki's confused, and she knows Nikki's hurt, and she knows Nikki's concerned. A small part of her felt guilty, and did care...but there was the part of her that was overwhelmingly in more control that that small part. Lydia's well aware she's liable to do something at this point, and that's why she forced out quietly, "You should go." 

[kels-clarke]

"I…I don’t know. I guess I just never really thought about impacting someone’s life."

[lydia-coral]

"Well you did. You should be proud of yourself." 

[kels-clarke]

"That’s just…kind of surprising." 

[lydia-coral]

"Why is that surprising? Not like I had much good going for my childhood before you came along. Didn't have a great one afterward either." 

[kels-clarke]

"R-Really?" 

[lydia-coral]

"Yeah."

[lydia-coral]

I'm Fallin' In, I'm Going There Again | Nikki/Lydia

[nikkicorday-deactivated20160218]

Nikki shook her head. “I don’t believe that, Lydia.” She studied Lydia’s glassy eyes and was confused. They looked so different, darker, almost scared. Nikki forced herself to blink and stop staring, and she turned her head, looking away. Lydia was being so different, and Nikki might have never seen her acting this way. Maybe before she really knew Lydia, but it was different then because she didn’t know anything about her and what she could be upset about. For all she knew back then, Lydia could have been at the asylum for anything, schizophrenia even. Everyone at Parkwood had something to be upset about, it just didn’t mean much to Nikki if she didn’t know them. But now she knew Lydia and if Lydia was upset, it mattered to Nikki.

Nikki turned to face Lydia again. “If it’s nothing, why have you been avoiding me? I miss you… You just… stopped talking all of a sudden.” She tilted her head with concern. “You can talk to me Lydia, you know you can trust me.” Nikki played with her fingers in her lap, anxious that Lydia was upset with her.

[lydia-coral]

I wish you would. Lydia thought bitterly. Note to self; next time pick a populated area to affect your second-hand smoke with. Her focus moved to her feet, and stayed there. It's not her fault you dumbass. You're the one being all distant and quiet and mysterious and scaring the fuck out of her. What has she done wrong? "Been there for me. That's what." she muttered to herself, answering herself aloud. 

"I never said I couldn't trust you. I know what I've done, what I've been doing. You're not the only one I've been avoiding. I have about thirty missed calls from Erica I really should get to." It comes out harsher than she intends. "Can we just drop it? Please? I don't want to talk about it ." 

[kels-clarke]

"Well, that’s more time we can spend together? Actually, you know what-nevermind-ignore me." 

[lydia-coral]

"I'd...I'd um...I'd like that. I miss you...you were the only good thing about my shitty childhood. " 

[lydia-coral]

I'm Fallin' In, I'm Going There Again | Nikki/Lydia

[nikkicorday-deactivated20160218]

Nikki sighed one last time, having caught her breath finally. She was quiet for a few minute, just missing Lydia’s presence and happy it was back and sitting next to her. “Something’s bothering you…” she trailed off, frowning. Lydia never ignored her for this long before. She’d always at least text or call to tell her she didn’t want to be around people or something. It felt strange to Nikki, like she was walking and suddenly found herself staring at a blank wall. Everything felt normal until Lydia cut herself out of Nikki’s week. Come to think of it, Lydia had been more distant for a while now. They’d both been sick and that distanced them for a little while, although they were closer again when they were both feeling better. It just scared her that Lydia didn’t tell her anything at all.

It scared her more that Lydia still wasn’t talking. She always talked; to Nikki at least. Nikki blinked confusedly and swallowed hard before breaking the silence. “What is it?… Come on, I wanna help, okay?” She kept her voice gentle and spoke slowly, careful not to give Lydia reason to shy away.

[lydia-coral]

For some reason, Lydia was slowly growing more irritated at Nikki's presence, and she wasn't quite sure why. Slowly, she inched away, shaking her head. "It's nothing." she mumbled. Lydia knew she was being stupid, maybe a little selfish, but she couldn't bring herself to get Nikki involved in her problems. It didn't matter that she knew Nikki was in it for the long haul, that that was what the unspoken agreement was when they got into a relationship. Lydia wanted to shelter Nikki from the darker side of her problems. The bulimia she didn't care if Nikki knew about, because as far as Lydia was concerned she'd taken care of that on her own through her newly found dependency of sorts to pot. 

But the bipolar disorder was another story, especially when she wasn't in control. That was her major reason for being here, the entire reason for a lot of her issues growing up. It wasn't as easy as Lydia was sure she'd made it seem up until this point, when she was out of control. That was the darker side, the side she didn't want Nikki to see or experience. That was when Lydia was at her most dangerous. 

"I said it's nothing." 

[kels-clarke]

"Oh…do you, um, know when you’re going to be discharged?"

[lydia-coral]

"Probably not for a while...especially after they find out my medication isn't working again." 

[kels-clarke]

"I’m glad that you picked this day too. How long have you been here?" 

[lydia-coral]

"Um...let's see...we relocated here in the winter...at least I think it was the winter, it was cold enough...before that, at the old place, it'd only been a couple months I think...I actually have no idea how long it's been. I stopped keeping track." 

[kels-clarke]

"I’m not a hallucination, I promise." 

[lydia-coral]

"Good...because that means I picked a good day to be sober..." 

[kels-clarke]

"I…I’m sorry." 

[lydia-coral]

"Stop....stop apologizing...and just hug me already so I know this isn't some weird hallucination where I'm talking to myself, and you're actually here.." 

[kels-clarke]

"I can’t say that I blame you, I probably wouldn’t be so happy to see me either. Why don’t you tell anyone about your medication?" 

[lydia-coral]

"It's not that I'm not happy to see you. Part of me is. Part of me's not. But the part of me that's not has a lot more to do with your parents than you. Because there's no point in telling anyone about my medication. All they'll do is try to find a new one, and at some point I'm sure that one will quit working." 

[kels-clarke]

"I-I’m sorry, Lydia, I didn’t know you were here."

[lydia-coral]

"I know. I mean...I figured. It's just...I'm an irritable little shit lately, okay? That's the only excuse I have. Blame the medication that's not working anymore. "

[kels-clarke]

"I’m, uh, interning." 

[lydia-coral]

"Interning...oh, you're interning...great, fantastic...Is there any other cruel jokes the universe wants to throw at me this week?!"

[kels-clarke]

"Hi to you too." 

[lydia-coral]

"Yeah yeah, hi. What are you doing here, Kelsey?" 

[kels-clarke]

"Oh my god…d-did I hit my head or something?" 

[lydia-coral]

"If there was ever a moment to wish I was high right now, it'd be this one."