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funnybleachstuff

Kisuke: Isn't the idea supposed to be "You saved my life, now I own you a debt"?

Shinji: Nope, other way around. "You saved my life, so now I am your problem. If you don't like it, then kill me"

Kisuke: What-

Shinji: God wanted me dead, now you get to find out why.

funnybleachstuff

Kisuke: Okay, you know what? Let's both apologize at the same time.

Kisuke: 1...2...3...

Soi Fon:

Kisuke:

Kisuke: See. Now I am just disappointed in the both of us.

funnybleachstuff

Kisuke, before sending Ichigo off to Soul Society: Kurosaki-san, have I ever lied to you?

Ichigo: I hardly know you.

Kisuke: Exactly.

Urahara, taping a knife to a Roomba and setting it loose: Be free, my child.

Yoruichi, entering the room with a cut on her ankle: WHO THE F-

Urahara, to Jinta and Ururu: We're not mad, we are just disappointed.

Yoruichi: No, we're mad.

Urahara: Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

Yoruichi: No, we're not!

Urahara: I'm not a mind reader, Yoruichi.

Mayuri: Who told you that?!

Urahara: I know everything. No one has to tell me.

funnybleachstuff

Yoruichi: Kisuke and I once fell off a cliff and he said "Oh no, are you alright? Are you hurt? I was so worried"

Orihime: Aw, that's sweet-

Yoruichi: To his lab flasks, not me.

incorrctbleach

Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. That’s your job right now.

Sosuke Aizen, to Ulquiorra, about Grimmjow (via incorrctbleach)

Tessai: You're in a chat room again pretending to be a woman, aren't you?

Urahara: I like the attention.

incorrctbleach

Inoue: If your soulmate dies before you meet them do you get like a backup soulmate?

Urahara: I meant questions about the mission.

Masaki: Guys, my water just broke.

Urahara: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one. Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.

lying-prophet

"Did you replace my captain's mirror with a picture of Pennywise?" - akonabides

“Its quite a likeness, right?!” Kisuke clapped his hands together while wearing a smile meant for a child on Christmas. “Now he can see what an unholy clown he is on a daily bases! Plus he and Pennywise have a loooot in common!” The blonde madman tapped a finger to his chin whilst contemplating his next big prank. “Do you think he would notice if I replaced his makeup?”

akonabides

Akon stared at the infuriating man in front of him, face expressionless. He shouldn’t be happy about the fact that Mayuri was currently having a conniption in the other room. He especially shouldn’t enjoy the idea of either of those two getting into a fight over make up.

“A bottle of sake says you can’t do it without alerting him.”

lying-prophet

Akon’s face was blank, but Kisuke thought he saw the corners of the man’s mouth twitch. The blonde shrugged about to skipped off to complete his plan when the other offered a challenge.

The blonde pretended to think, looking this way and that while scratching the back of his head, before grinning like a bird that caught the canary. He then offered his hand to the other scientist, “ Honjozo-shu still your favourite? Though I suppose it will not matter!~”

#akonabides

Urahara, to Jinta and Ururu: Ever since you were born, I have done the best I could to raise you.

Urahara: Have I been perfect? No.

Urahara: Do I know anything about children? No!

Urahara: Should I have picked up a book on parenting?! PROBABLY!

Urahara: Where was I going with this? I had a point...

lying-prophet

𝔻𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕣 [Kisuke & Mayuri]

medicine-for-the-brain

lying-prophet‌:

Kisuke had just finished getting ready to rest for the night, his chest heavy with the thought he would have to give up Mayuri tomorrow. The blonde had yet to call the one whom commissioned for the doll, but he reasoned with himself that it was too late to call and it would be better to do so in the morning. Just as Kisuke switched off his light there was a very loud clattering noise coming from his workshop. His eyes narrowed before he cautiously move to his staircase that lead down to his store front. Urahara had never had problems with being robbed before, but he was not ignorant to the idea it could happen. The doll maker let out a soft, shaky sigh before descending the stairs silently. It took him a few minutes to examine the main room in the dark. After discovering everything was as it was when he retired, the blonde turned his gaze to his workshop, fear creeping into his heart.

What if they were here for Mayuri? He shook his head to clear the thought. That was a rather silly thought. When did he begin to see his creation as a person? Kisuke’s attachment worried himself, but the more pressing fear of an intruder made it easier to push the concerning thoughts to the back of his mind. The dollmaker quietly made his way to his work area only to find Mayuri and his shipping container turned over on the floor. At this point Kisuke flicked on the lights. he was less concerned about being hurt and more concerned whether the doll had suffered any damage.

“You poor thing. It looks like someone shoved you off the table.” Kisuke immediately moved the box before shifting to lift Mayrui up. “Poor, lovely Mayuri. I wish you could tell me who did this to you. Let us make sure you are all right. You are much to delicate to take too large of a fall.” His nervousness made it easy to fall into his habits of speaking to the doll. The blonde set the doll on a chair nearby to make it easier to check for cracks.

“It looks like you are well. I am so very glad for that,” he could not help the relieved sigh that escaped as he ran his worn hands through a mangled mop of hair. “You took a few years off my life peacock. It also looks like your yukata is ripped. I will try to find you another one.”

Kisuke began to pick up the few items that were knocked over in his mad frenzy to make sure the doll was alright. After calming his nerves he turned to look back at the blue haired creation. “It seems there is no one else but you and me. I don’t think the table is too lopsided but I can check it—” In the middle of his deduction on what could have harmed the doll….it blinked. Kisuke rubbed his eyes frantically. I must be much more exhausted than I imagined. He took in a shaky breath only for it to happen again.

“I must be losing my mind.” Kisuke moved closer, gazing into the golden hues.

It took a moment for Mayuri to take stock of what had happened after his fall. Upon impact he remembered a distinct sound reverberating in his hollow head, followed by the thought that he could have come close to oblivion. He decided he didn’t like this thought and put it away to be ruminated on later. For now, there were more pressing concerns.

The prison of fabric around Mayuri had increased its strangle hold on him, now more tangled in his limbs than ever before. Glassy eyes rolled in their sockets as he thought about a solution to his predicament, but before he could attempt a second try at movement a presence made itself known. A new sensation emerged in the doll then–the feeling of something within hammering its way out of his chest. Mayuri’s instincts took over. He stayed limp and vacant where he lay.

The doll did not know what to expect, but he never for a second thought to doubt that sensation. The pounding in his chest continued as the thing moved towards him. Silent and slow it came down the stairs and emerged into the light.

Not a thing, a man.

Mayuri didn’t know how he knew it was a man, but he knew it to be so. The first feature that struck him was the size. Urahara seemed just a bit bigger in every way and something about that intrigued the doll. Without moving a digit, he studied the man as he drew closer.

The pounding in his chest increased as Urahara took hold of him and lifted him up. But this close he could see the blond hair and gray eyes and marveled at the sight. This man was nothing like the objects sitting on those shelves. This man was alive. Alive. A curious concept that popped into his mind unbidden but concrete. The doll could not comprehend the depths of that word, but he knew without a shadow of a doubt how it applied to Urahara and himself.

Still processing this influx of information Mayuri almost flinched when Urahara began to speak. And not only did he speak but he seemed to be addressing Mayuri.

The doll listened as the man nattered on. He could recognize the words by themselves, but strung together they hardly made sense. Mayuri decided he could tolerate the man’s singsong voice and focused hard on comprehension. Amidst all of Urahara’s comments there was one word that stood out above the rest: Mayuri. The doll liked the way it sounded, but the man didn’t say it enough. He just continued on with his incessant chattering.

Mayuri wished he would stop. And so he blinked. That seemed to get the man’s attention.

As if working an atrophied muscle Mayuri opened his mouth and echoed back Urahara’s very words. “I must be losing my mind.”

lying-prophet

Kisuke had thought long ago that he was a man or reason and logic. He thought himself to be in his right mind and of a sound body. However, he could not help the yelp as the doll’s mouth opened and began to speak. The blonde was so surprised he ended up tripping on the shipping container and landing on his bum, flabbergasted. He eyes were wide and confused, but a small smile curled on his lips at the irony of the situation. I have completely lost it. I told myself no good would come of talking to dolls and I still did it. Now I think the doll is talking back.

“Um, Mayuri, please tell me that I am hallucinating right now.” There was only one way to know for sure whether the porcelain creation was actually speaking back-- as absolutely ridiculous as it sounded. “I think I must be dreaming right now.” His calloused hand reached out the right the yukata on the doll, a soft sigh echoing in the room.

After a moment of silence Kisuke shook his head. “It was only a matter of time before I went absolutely mad. They say humans are social creatures, but I never did bother to spend my time out and about.” The blonde stood up and went to right the container once more as well as pick up the mess. He has several splinters and was sure his backend would be bruised tomorrow. “I think it is because I don’t want you to leave tomorrow. After all you are my most prized creation up to this point. I must be trying to give myself an excuse to not let you leave.”

The blonde turned back to look at the doll only to find that the glassy eyes were blinking and studying him. As if Kisuke was the oddity in the situation. The dollmaker cleared his throat before stepping closer to the doll. “Can....Can you actually speak?”

#dollmaker #medicine-for-the-brain

i-am-the-kenpachi

Haunted Hospital

i-am-the-kenpachi

lying-prophet‌:

“Oh, sorry Kenpachi-San,” the blonde chuckled softly at his companion’s reaction. The other did not look nearly as excited as the blonde did.

The blonde tilted his head at the other’s question before nodding slowly. “Of course though it’s not very bright.” Kisuke pulled out an old flashlight with a rather yellow hue on the glass. He then passed if off to the taller teen. His nerve were making him rather jittery and he did not trust himself to hold the light steady. “Just be careful not to fall through the floor!”

The blonde began to move through the dark hallways, the flashlight only illuminating about ten feet in front of them. The wind making the building creak and the air around them frigid. Kisuke smiled softly to himself as his brain began to pick up more and more of the shadows dancing around them. His own stomach was fluttering around as if it were struggling to stay in his body.

One wrong step and his foot wen through the floor boards, his voice caught in his throat as he let out a hiss of air. Kisuke’s hands frittered about as his brain supplied him with the idea that something was trying to drag him through the floor.

“Shit!”

Kenpachi’s attention had been on a particularly nasty gash in the wall, with his brain postulating any number of creepy reasons for its existence, when Kisuke seemed to drop from in front of him. He immediately grabbed out, managing to snag the back of his friend’s collar before bracing himself to avoid being pulled down as well.

“So, what were ya saying about fallin’ through the floor?” he asked through grit teeth, heart pounding. Fuck supernatural shit; the whole building was more likely to kill them.

lying-prophet

The yank in Kisuke’s collar brought a fresh breath of both relief and horror. For a moment he contemplated if a ghost had actually saved him when the gruff voice of his companion brought him back to reality.Reality was that Kenpachi managed to stabilize them before the ground crumbled any further which was quite the blessing considering the gaping hole in the floor boards.

The blonde pressed his hand to his chest and let out an airy sigh before offering his friend a sheepish smile. “Well, thanks for save. I was pretty sure I was gonna take the quick way down to the basement.” His hand moved of its own accord and patted the other on the shoulder. “I thought for sure something was trying to pull me down. Good thing you are much stronger than the building structure.” A joke to ease the tension.

His grey hues darted to the hole as he moved cautiously to examine the area-- a nervous smile present as his own anxiety kicked in. That would have definitely hurt. Out of the corner of his eye he caught a sign of movement, his brain panicking before he could register what made the movement. “Hey, Kenpachi-San, you didn’t invite anyone else, right?”

#haunted hospital #i-am-the-kenpachi

"Did you replace my captain's mirror with a picture of Pennywise?" - akonabides

#akonabides #Pppppffftttttt #[I died.]#[Thanks for the glorious ask!]#ask answered

Rukia: So? How's Ichigo?

Urahara: Bad news.

Chad: No...

Urahara, steps to the side to reveal Ichigo: He's still alive.

Yoruichi: [ smacks him on the back of the head ]

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